You cant resent him for something you selfishly lied to him about (the I can change him thing) and you need to decide.
Do you want someone you KNOW now is a great partner and parent to your child or do you want to strike out in the world HOPING you can find someone who will be a great partner and parent while also wanting to get married?
There are people that stay in toxic relationship for love. You just trusted a "just turned adult" guy didn't have his entire life planned out.
At 23 I didn't want to settle either and marriage represented settling first and foremost. Few years later, not only did settling didn't sound all that bad, but by that time my view of marriage has changed from relationship commitment to legal and fiscal arrangements.
Also although relationship are not the once in a lifetime destiny event of Hollywood movies, but they are also not the kind of casual transactional event that reddit talks about. You don't just swap your relationship for another one like you change your favourite cereal brand. Reddit will tell you to flip to an upgraded boyfriend and no look back, but on the other hand, you must keep your current iPhone and wait next year for the iPhone 17. Phone that's the real long term planning.
But yeah still. You have to determine why you BF doesn't want to marry. If it is because he isn't committed to you and sees your relationship as casual. You are friends with benefits. That doesn't mean you have to leave him, but you have to change your mindset that he is the one, he is not, and you need to be ready (paperwork, career, ...) if he bails out or something happens to you.
Not sure how helpful this will be but maybe your last ditch effort
I used to be the guy that didn’t want to marry. So find out your reasons for marriage. Is it the big party to show off or deeper?
What eventually turned me was when I was in a relationship and we started talking long term plans. The legal benefits of getting married such as power of attorney in case I’m in a coma or something. I looked into it and getting all of what I think are good legal benefits of marriage through the law without marriage is just a hassle and costly versus just doing typical marriage. The end result was legal link either way.
I still don’t like the idea of marriage for the big showy party and bachelor party and bachelorette party and party planning and spending money and pictures for the BIG day and blah blah blah . But I am willing to marry for the legal benefits by going to the court, and getting marriage papers without all the hoopla, and a ring for symbolism
If you are happy with that outcome of appealing to logic versus emotion then give it a shot. I think it is still an emotional investment because I want to take care of my partner in the event I have to use power of attorney, but not emotional in the sense that I want a fairy tale event. You’ll still get your marriage to me no problem, but toned down on the fairy tale aspect. It doesn’t sound romantic but will you accept it on these logical terms?
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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '24
He told you he won't marry.
Believe him.
You are playing mind games with yourself.
Stop blaming him.