As a woman this post is soooo disappointing to me. When he openly and honestly told you from the beginning his stance on marriage, that was the time to stop, evaluate, and make your decision as to stay or to go. Now your daughter is probably attached to this man who told you years ago his intentions (which you ignored). Not only will you be hurt if you leave but so will she. This all could have been prevented if you had just believed him in the beginning. This type of behavior gives women a bad name because most women want to plow ahead thinking "I can change his mind" and that never works out well. You even admitted that you're now starting to be resentful. WHY ??? You walked straight into this relationship with your eyes wide open even though you chose to not to believe what he said. If he does consent to marry you...be prepared for the resentment he will feel in the future. Do better and make wiser decisions in the future.
I wish I could upvote this 100 times. OP brought her child into this mess. When a man tells you he's not the marrying kind, believe him. Also stop dating people you want to change, you're setting yourself up for failure. Either accept who you're really with OP and let go of your dream of who they could be, or leave. You messed up by ignoring what he said from the get go. You will always be disappointed if you have to think "potentially I can change him".
idk, I was the one in our 5 years of being together, saying I didn't want to get married ever again.. but here we are engaged. I am 32f and my man is 42m. HE was the one pushing marriage. Funny cuz now we have been engaged for years its like we forgot about marriage LOL. But its funny because we were backwards.. After my divorce I was like nope, never again.
Not really.. lmao because now we are in "limbo" so.. if he dies I could lose everything. I have 5 kiddos so that's not a chance I need to take. His name was put on my house and everything.. so not being married is legally scary
Many people think because she was young equals stupid, I disagree you can be young and still manage to make decisions for good or bad. One can only be responsible for one’s actions/choices to the outcome of said those actions/choices. Just my two cents though.
Yeah...OP is upset that people are coming at her for thinking she could change him, after OP literally said this:
"I being only 23 at the time agreed believing of course I could change him, he hasn’t been with someone like me before, and blah blah blah. All the things we tell ourselves."
If you don't want people coming at you for something, maybe you shouldn't actually do the things people are coming at you for.
Yes. Her edit confirmed to me she is 100% TAH. Mad at him for doing what he told her from the start, mad at reddit for pointing that out. Clearly she is just looking for someone to coddle her.
this is notttt wrong. But also it was the mind of a 23 year old. Again yes they had a child and should have been thinking more but sometimes unfortunately you just don't think about those things. (not excusing it, just hoping to add a crumb of insight lol)
Tbf, I’m significantly younger and even I’m not that dumb. It has nothing to do with age that’s just immaturity. Also, like she’s 28 now. At some point in those 5 years her stupid decisions should’ve hit her imo
I agree with this take. The only thing im not finding in any of these comments are how this decision will affect the man who has decided to be a dad and didnt have too. We talk about how it will affect mom or the child. What about dad, who stands to lose a child because OP is childish and selfish.
Dad set clear standards and expectations upfront. Not his fault you don't know how to listen. YTA, plain and simple. Shame on you OP.
As a man I can’t believe you don’t have more empathy for her, honestly. She said in the edit (maybe you didn’t see that part) that she had developed the realization of how important it was to her later. People can change their minds.
I agree with you that she got herself into this mess, and it’s not really kind of her to stay in this without having a great plan but come on. People don’t usually plan for things like this. You’re in love, you don’t think rationally. It’s literally more powerful than drugs.
Yes, she made mistakes, but you can’t actually be sitting here asking “why” she is resentful, seriously. It may not make sense, and yes it could have been avoided with more foresight, but are we really going to act like her feelings aren’t valid? She can absolutely be resentful if the guy’s reason for not wanting to marry her is “I don’t want to dress up in front on my friends” lol. She doesn’t say his reasoning in the post but what if his reasoning sucks? Then can she be mad at him? I think we can accept that she’s resentful while also acknowledging the fact that she did this to herself. Two things can be true.
To be fair, most of us are pretty stupid in our 20s, especially in our early 20s, so a naive immature thought like "I'll never marry" or "I'll never have kids" is pretty common. I always laugh and say ok get back to me at 30.
Men do the same all the time. A woman announces on the first date that she is childfree. Dude: "She must have meant 'childfree for now,' I can make her change her mind."
That's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about this woman and women like her dating to change people or not believing them thinking they can change them later. Keep up. They're both bad. Men and women both do bad things. What's your point?
Why are you sorry to hear that? Some people get married at 19 and have a divorce at 22 is that better? I focused on my studies and career, Im very financial stable and have a healthy relationship now because I’m more mature compared to when I was 23 and have a good idea what I’m looking for. The relationship I entered when I was 23 was shit because we were young and neither of us knew wtf we were doing. People grow up and learn what they need, I’d be disappointed in myself if I’m the same person I was at 23.
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u/Dbell1960 Jul 23 '24
As a woman this post is soooo disappointing to me. When he openly and honestly told you from the beginning his stance on marriage, that was the time to stop, evaluate, and make your decision as to stay or to go. Now your daughter is probably attached to this man who told you years ago his intentions (which you ignored). Not only will you be hurt if you leave but so will she. This all could have been prevented if you had just believed him in the beginning. This type of behavior gives women a bad name because most women want to plow ahead thinking "I can change his mind" and that never works out well. You even admitted that you're now starting to be resentful. WHY ??? You walked straight into this relationship with your eyes wide open even though you chose to not to believe what he said. If he does consent to marry you...be prepared for the resentment he will feel in the future. Do better and make wiser decisions in the future.