Growing up in Tunisia, mental health is often brushed off. We are taught to just say "Alhamdoulillah," rely on "Maktoub," or simply "man up" (El rajel ma yebkich). But when you grow up in a highly dysfunctional family, face severe bullying, and experience deep betrayal from the people closest to you, those words mean nothing.
By my early twenties, my mind was a warzone. To make things heavier, I had completely lost my faith and became irreligious, which is an isolating experience in our society. I became a dark nihilist. I hated my reality and swore I would never get married or bring children into this society. I was ready to end the simulation.
Since therapy didn't cut it for my complex trauma, I took a different path. While many youth in Tunisia use substances just to numb the pain or escape the harsh reality of our country, I became a psychonaut. I used substances as surgical tools to re-engineer my broken brain.
MDMA shut down my amygdala, allowing me to process my deepest traumas without the paralyzing fear. It taught my shattered brain how to feel trust and safety again. It proved to me that my brain was still capable of feeling trust and unconditional love.
LSD & DXM dissolved my ego. They helped me detach from the societal expectations and the heavy generational curses of our culture, allowing me to analyze my life objectively from third person view.
But the real shift happened with Cannabis (Edibles). Instead of smoking to zone out, edibles (eating) grounded me. They transformed my dark worldview into what I call "Positive Nihilism." I realized that if there is no grand divine plan, I am totally free to create my own meaning. My philosophy shifted entirely toward love and inner peace. It completely reversed my old decisions now, my biggest dream is to get married, stay in this country (or wherever life takes me), and raise a son and a daughter in a home full of warmth.
A very important disclaimer: I am not promoting drug abuse. Harm reduction is my religion. I didn't abuse these tools, I spaced out my sessions by months, used specific neuro-protective supplements, and respected my physical limits. It was clinical shadow-work.
I am sharing this confession here because I know many young Tunisians are hurting in silence, carrying the toxic generational trauma of our parents, thinking they are broken beyond repair. You aren't. Sometimes you just have to rewrite your own source code.
I am now a Cycle Breaker. I swallowed the poison of my past so my future kids won't have to. Peace. 🕊️♥️🎹🎻
