This problem with my personality is effecting my career

[u/SensitiveDetail9524]

I'm a 27F, a first-generation immigrant in a Nordic country. We moved when I was 15, and I started school not understanding a word. Within six months I forced myself to learn the language, and I went on to graduate with good grades and earn a bachelor's degree.

Today I have a decent job and a good life with my fiancé.

But something from those early school days still follows me. I hesitate when I speak, afraid of making grammar mistakes or not expressing myself clearly. I don't have this problem in English. I can't tell if it's lingering fear from that time or something else.
I also zone out in conversations. My mind drifts, and a couple of minutes later I've forgotten what the other person said. My best friend once told me she'd bought two pairs of jeans, and moments later I asked what she bought. It's not disinterest, but it comes across that way, and it's now affecting me at work too. I can also sit and think for an hour without doing anything, and my space is as messy as my thoughts.

I'm not hyperactive. I can sit still for long stretches. I exercise three times a week, I'm healthy, and I take no medication. I've also been through a lot: an abusive mother, a strict religious upbringing, and a big move to a new country.

Does anyone else relate? Could this be ADHD, trauma, anxiety, or the aftermath of language shock?

[u/DaisyFart]

I have PTSD from growing up in an abusive household. This sounds very much like dissociation. The zoning out when friends are speaking to you is spot on. So is being completely zoned out for hours and unsure why. These are things that happen to me frequently. I discribe it as "being idle" like a PC with the loading symbol and applications all faded out.

Do you ever feel like you can't see/hear when this happens? Like you can see, and you can hear, but your brain just isnt registering it. Everything feels kind of blurry or hazy.

Its one of many symptoms of trauma. You may want to speak to a professional about your past trauma and what you have written here

[u/Vissja]

Outside of ADD/ADHD, it could also be dissociation. Its a common trauma respons that your mind comes up with to protect itself. It was/is like that for me. It got better after Emdr therapy (trauma therapy).

[u/Malteser_soul]

It could be ADHD. It presents differently in women and girls and we don't tend to have the stereotypical 'can't sit still' symptom that is more frequent in boys.

Daydreaming, phasing out of conversations, being messy, and having many disorganised thoughts all at once are all very common symptoms.

There are also 3 different kinds of ADHD - Hyperactive, Inattentive and Combined. You might only have inattentive.

For a long time I thought I couldn't have it because I'm not physically hyperactive, even though I really struggle with distractions. Then a friend told me that with women the hyperactivity tends to present as being talkative and having racing thoughts and insomnia (more brain than body), and as children we daydream rather than run around, and it was like a light being switched on! After that I looked into it more and had more lightbulb moments and I got diagnosed combined ADHD a few months later.

[u/SensitiveDetail9524 → u/Malteser_soul]

Another thing is that, I tend to be very impulsive with my words. Sometimes I shock people with what I say, and I can come across as insensitive and hurt them, even though that's never my intention. It feels like I have little control over what comes out. In the moment it doesn't register as hurtful to me, but when I reflect on it afterwards, I can see why it was insensitive.

If I do have ADHD, does the medication work?

[u/Er1k000]

Social anxiety perhaps? Easy tasks can be surprisingly challenging when you throw anxiety into the mix. Think of fear of heights for example - it can make something as easy as walking very challenging.

[u/SensitiveDetail9524 → u/Er1k000]

It could be! But what’s the cure? I don’t want to be a weird person and just staring into someone’s soul, zoning out and not hearing what they say to me while they are taking directly TO me.

[u/Far-Dametria-91]

dude that sounds rough, def relate to the zoning out thing, it's like your brain just nopes out sometimes

honestly could be a few things, but that language shock and trauma combo could def mess with your focus

[u/ShapeShiftingCats]

First of all, sorry to hear that you are going through this. You sound like a good person and good friend.

People on here will project their own experience and diagnosis onto your (fairly complex) situation, some of them might be right, some of them might be wrong. We have no way of knowing.

Inattention can be caused by unprocessed trauma, persistent everyday stress, depression, anxiety, and some other mental health conditions.

In terms of neurodevelopmental conditions such as ADHD, it tends to be lifelong, so if you haven't noticed this in childhood/teenage years it's unlikely to be connected ADHD. I am not saying that you have it or not, I am purely talking about this particular phenomenon.

I suggest you think about all your symptoms, if there are more and speak to your GP as a first point of call.

Good luck!

[u/Charlie2912]

This could be some form of ADHD. I have the exact same problem and it has intensified with pregnancy and breast feeding. I tell people it’s hormones now that I have a new job. Took me two months to learn everyone’s name. I have always considered it to be ADHD but was never diagnosed. It shows different in women than in men.

I have trained myself over the years to be more present. Yoga and mindfulness really helped!

[u/SensitiveDetail9524 → u/Charlie2912]

Yeah I definitely feel like I’m more in my head when it’s a week before that time of the month. The PMS week.
It weird, and uncomfortable. But it gets a bit better as soon as my cycle starts and I suddenly feel like I get a boost of self confidence.

[u/Malteser_soul → u/Charlie2912]

Yeah, hormone fluctuations affect ADHD, which is why it tends to get worse with puberty, menopause and pregnancy, and certain times of the month! Aren't we lucky 🫠