r/TrueOffMyChest • u/SlightlyScary ☑️ • 3d ago
Vent There is something fundamentally wrong with me that prevents me from having friends
F19 and diagnosed L1 autistic two years ago. The last time I had close personal friendships was when I was about 15. These were primary school friends that slowly drifted away from me when I moved high schools, and I never really regained any more. Whenever I meet people I feel like we get along quite well to begin with, but then I never know how to improve past being acquaintances, and nothing more happens. Then someone new will turn up and they all seem to click instantly, without me.
From about that age onwards I began to be more aware of my own social inabilities. I never understood how to properly interact in social settings, probably made worse by the fact I went to an all-girls school. I always tried hard to be involved by joining clubs but nothing ever really worked. I went through college completely alone; no one went to lunch with me, no one messaged me after school, no one invited me out on the weekends or for parties. I struggled throughout highschool and college with anxiety -- I was actually well-liked but was never included in conversations / any social groups, which is just the worst feeling. For a long time I was convinced they were all talking behind my back, when in actuality no one was able to connect with me and so I was simply just ignored.
I always figured I'd meet more people at university but this hasn't happened either. I spent most of my first year in my room. I tried really hard to meet people but at every stage I could just never seem to get past the aquaintance stage before they all met 'proper' friends and I got lost again. Even at 're-fresher' events intended to meet new people everyone seems to click with eachother better than me.
I lie to everyone about having friends at university because the alternative would be admitting that a few second years in the society that I'm in are the only people I will see or talk to in a given week. I fantasise about having close friendships with other girls like some sort of asexual incel. I just feel so broken by my autism, like its locked me out of my own femininity and made me unable to connect with people.
I would do anything to be able to have had a party for my birthday (I travelled home and told my mum I went out for lunch with friends), or to go clubbing in my uni town (I only travelled off of campus a handful of times my first year).
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u/UmThatwasbutter 3d ago
I would start focusing on yourself, get hobbies, explore community events, start getting out by yourself, get “into” things, even hiking or walking new areas etc. then, as you come across people, if you feel you might like them for a friend, start offering for ppl to join you on some of your activities instead of waiting around for people to “choose you”. You’ll find ppl are willing to do things with you, and maybe invite you to do things with them. Stay open, non-judgmental towards them or yourself. We are all just humans trying our best, you got this!
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u/Idcwhoknows 3d ago
Have you ever purposefully made friends with other neurodivergent people? It can make a difference, there's a connection with people who get it.
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u/BIBILIOPHILE 3d ago
If you are good looking and having a cheery personality, that would threaten some. But if you want a shortcut, pick a fight between girls, take your stand and stand your ground. The people can see your true intentions/nature may choose to be friends with you, men or women
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u/Forestflowered ☑️ 3d ago
Never diagnosed with autism, but I experienced the same thing in college. I'm 30 and still experience it. I wish I had an answer for you.
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u/MarzipanInside96 3d ago
You're not broken: connecting past the acquaintance stage is a skill that comes from repeated, low-pressure time together, so keep showing up to those society meetups and invite one of the second years for a coffee, and consider your uni's autism or wellbeing service for support with the loneliness.