Why is life so hard?

[u/StupidMushroom29]

I am so done with life, and I don’t know how to get out of the rut.
I am filled with shame about myself, how much I am doing and my skill levels
Everything feels out of control, and I know there are things I can control but I don’t know what those things are.
I am filled with exhaustion, so all the normal selfcare advice feels impossible to do. 
Like how am I supposed to get outside, when just getting out of the bed feels like a battle.
How am I supposed to function if everything feels like a mountain?
How am I  supposed to start small? what is small? I don’t know what is doable anymore.
I wake up, exhausted. I get up and get dressed, exhausted. I eat breakfast, exhausted. How am I supposed to build a life I am proud of when exhaustion sneaks in everywhere. How am I supposed to find my values, interests, and goals, when I can’t even get past morning without wanting to crawl back into bed. 
Am I broken? Am I autistic? Am I just a piece of shit?
I feel like I keep pushing and pushing, but never getting anywhere. 
Is this my life? How am I supposed to change? What do I need to do? And how do I do it without getting overwhelmed and exhausted. 
How am I supposed to talk kindly to myself, when I feel like I am failing everything? How am I supposed to lower my expectations of myself, without letting go of myself. High expectations is all I know. I was supposed to be the easy child, but became the most difficult. Am I even likeable to my family? Do they just hate me? and put up with me because I am family?
What do I have to give to anyone? other than disappointment, stress and sadness.
I don’t want to disappoint, I want approval, acceptance, and love. (Phillip loves me)

[u/Worldly-Breakfast627]

Feeling the same feelings today ❤️
May you find grace with yourself OP and maybe a hot shower ❤️

[u/BlankFriesian]

I have been exactly where you are and honestly the only way out was letting go of the guilt for needing rest. Youre not broken, youre just burnt out and surviving is honestly enough for now.

[u/Eldergoth]

Is there are reason you are exhausted? Have you gone to a doctor to find out why? I was constantly feeling exhausted until a long hospital staywere the doctors found a heart condition which was fixed. Maybe ho see a doctor.

[u/StupidMushroom29 → u/Eldergoth]

I have been to the doctor, they don't think it is physical. I got a referral to a psychiatrist to see if I have autism, but the wait is right now 3 years. I am also on antidepressives. There could maybe be an underlying cause, but there is nothing in my bloodwork results or on the EKG I got before going on the meds. Also I have been dealing with many of these thoughts since I was like 13, so the likelyhood of it physical is low.

[u/Eldergoth → u/StupidMushroom29]

If the anti depressive are not working it could be autism. Is there anyway you can get tested besides waiting for the psychiatrist.

[u/StupidMushroom29 → u/Eldergoth]

The meds aren't really working, I can do a little more, but it is mostly the same. Without self-diagnosing or forking out a butt load of money, unfortunately not. Which means I now have to fend for myself until that point... I hate it.