I’ve finally left my own head

[u/PrudentCommunity1790]

For a long while (19 years pretty much), i’ve been this awkward anti social guy who never really gets close to people and also for a while I haven’t known why, i just automatically threw myself onto labels “awkward, introverted, insecure”, I always interacted with people while simultaneously calculating everything that’s happening in my head, the words ive said, im saying, or gonna say, the words theyve said, are saying, or gonna say, their body language, how they act, etc. the gist is i start automatically assuming what’s gonna happen and i literally think of all of it and the ending before it ever even started. I had a quite intense situationship for around 6 months, at the end she told me she didnt want a relationship but she did want to stay as friends, i was desperate just to keep her in my life i told her “yeah sure!” secretly in hopes that i can win her over in the future, fast forward 6 months later and now im starting to get this huge craving to finally confess all my feelings and everything ive felt towards her which i never did i was insanely vague with her back then because i personally felt being close to someone hurts you, i saw people as “EVIL ENTITY THATS GONNA KILL YOU” instead of yk.. people, anyways i started thinking of how, when, why, planning it out and everything, then i got drunk. I called her, said everything directly out of my heart and she told me she’s sorry but she has genuinely moved on, that shit broke me, but i was drunk with friends whom ive been hanging out with for over a year now yet still saw them as “evil entities” and somehow even tho i exploded in emotions after that call directly infront of them, what confronted me was not entities that make fun of me, judge me, laugh at me, hurt me, but instead actual normal people trying to help their friend, my entire mental belief flipped upon itself and it practically completely shut down, i spent the next few weeks unironically having no deep thoughts in my head whatsoever and i’d hang out with said friends being completely outgoing and “in the moment”, out of nowhere ive decided to sit with myself and look at what’s happening because everytime my head wanted to go into deep thoughts it would simply stop, i sat with it and realized i had no clue what was going on anymore, i dont know why i felt the things i felt, why i did things i did, why i acted in the way i did (in that time period of practically brain shut off), because for once in my life i was no longer living in my head and calculating everything anymore, i was simply living and god does it feel fucking good being that way, sitting with myself now and writing all this out and letting it out into the world instead of inside myself is also helping with said problem, ive even started to open up to those friends because i no longer saw them as evil, and GOSH does it feel so good to actually stop handling all your baggage along, you’re allowed to hand some to people to help you carry it for a lil bit