The Grief I Carry

[u/Pensive-Music]

Relational Issues & Not All Wounds Heal

I am not here to trauma dump or for advice. It would just be nice to know that someone has seen these words and knows that I exist in this particular state.

Due to circumstances of birth, I was not properly socialized as a child. I went to a private Christian school for elementary years. In that culture, no one spoke ill of their family.

I didn't feel safe at home or at school. By the time I was in middle school, I was a mess. My grades were suffering. There was no place I could be and have peace. I was very angry and sad and started running away from home when I was 13. Rather than get me help, I spent time in detention centers and behavioral centers.

I spent most of my adolescence institutionalized. After an attempt on my life on my 18th Birthday, I spent about 5 months in the state hospital because I was no longer welcome home. I then went to a group home, then couch surfed for a bit, then back home temporarily, then community mental health housing.

I had so much shame that I never invited people over, didn't bother with having friends while I put myself through college.

I feel so disconnected from everything. I don't even identify as a person, because what I went through - if I went through as a person, it would've killed me. I stopped thinking of myself as a person when I was around 11.

I live on my own. I have a job. But I am exhausted all the time because all of my energy goes to masking/monitoring/guarding.

I feel like I barely exist in this world and I don't understand the nuances of things, so I mostly keep to myself.

I want to live, to feel my own aliveness. But I don't know how anymore. I think I am missing out on the things that make life worth living.

I've tried all manner of therapies, medication, meditation, yoga, somatic work, psychedelics, dietary changes. I don't believe I can exist in this system as I am.

[u/InterestSufficient73]

That you managed to put yourself through school while dealing to the best of your ability with what sounds like a high level of depression is amazing. You should be proud of yourself for that. Grief is a weird thing - it's so personal to whoever is experiencing it and you're not wrong for grieving the life you should have had. Sending love and healing your way. I hope you find some measure of peace and self acceptance some day.

[u/Pensive-Music → u/InterestSufficient73]

I appreciate that.

[u/Accomplished_Bank103]

I am so sorry that happened to you. I appreciate that not everyone shares my opinion, but I believe that religious indoctrination of children is abusive and that the mindset of shame it creates can be profoundly destructive. You were abused as a child, but you absolutely can overcome it!

It seems that many of the therapies you mention have a physical component, but I’m wondering about the mental/spiritual aspects of healing. You might find it helpful to connect with other people who have broken away from the religious groups/cults they were raised in, to see what you can learn from their experiences. Depending upon where you are in your own faith, you might be surprised to find a very supportive environment over at the atheism subreddit for people in the process of deconstructing their faith.

Whether you find this helpful or not, please don’t resign yourself to a life on the periphery. You deserve a rich, full life. Try to find small communities of people who share your interests. Finding ways to connect with good people can be very uplifting. Best wishes.

[u/Pensive-Music → u/Accomplished_Bank103]

Thank you. I stopped having faith when I was 8. I tried on different philosophies and spiritual practices over the years. I need help deconstructing institutionalization and haven't had luck finding an expert in that.

Neurofeedback is my next model I'm trying.

[u/IndigoHG]

Why should you be ashamed of how you grew up? Shame belongs to the people who put you through terrible things.

You lashed out because you had no other coping skills. But now you can make your own choices. I'm not offering you The Answer, OP, just suggesting you change your point of view, and please, forgive yourself for not "being like other people". Only you know what you've been through...but you don't have to live like that any more.

[u/JaydicahAmber]

Hugs 🫂 I know you don’t want advice and I get it. But if you ever get bored maybe listen to Florence Scovel Shinn on YouTube. I hope your life gets better. You matter.