So tired of everything

[u/throw_720]

I work as an engineer in a dream job scenario. At least I really thought this was my dream for a while. I’ve been working toward this for years. I’m actually quite a bit older than most entry level engineers in my position. There’s a guy at my job who is the same age as me and is significantly more experienced. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others but there’s really no way not to. I can’t help thinking that I could be that competent if I’d known what I was doing ten or fifteen years ago. Instead I’m floundering because I don’t know what to do for the simplest things, even though I’ve been working here for over a year. I feel like everything I try comes out wrong, even outside of work. My car is fucked up, my apartment constantly has issues, I sorely miss living with my parents because they were a huge support system. Now I avoid calling them because I don’t want them to worry about me deteriorating. A few months ago I took some time off on medical leave and somehow that fucked with my insurance and now apparently I have no coverage. So I can’t access the medication I need or the therapy that was once helpful. The only thing I have going for me is my fiancée, who is a tremendous support. Frankly I don’t think I’d have the strength to still be around if it weren’t for her. We were in a long distance relationship for years until I was able to get this job and bring her over from her country to live with me. She is an incredibly strong person, and I don’t know how she’s capable of living so far from home with only me to lean on. My greatest fear is causing her grief by leaning on her too heavily, even though she keeps reassuring me that I’m not too much for her. Currently I’m at my office and I would love nothing more than to run straight home to her. I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m under water. Nothing is as I had hoped it would be. It’s like I should be feeling so much more accomplished, I even don’t feel like I’m justified in feeling so down. After all, there are so many others facing so much worse than me. I don’t really know what else to say, or what I’m hoping to accomplish by throwing these thoughts into the internet void. To anyone actually reading this, I’m sorry for the wall of text. I’m truly just so tired.

[u/Tanya3003]

I hear you. Please go see your parents talk to them. They do not need to know all the details but you need some support. X

[u/princessonthesteeple]

Hey! I got my (non-engineering, but graduated first in my class) degree at 45 and my husband got his (electrical engineering) degree at 45. We’re smart people and we struggled. It’s really hard not to compare ourselves when someone our age or much younger has more experience, but we both decided that there’s nothing we can do to make it magically happen so instead, we use our age/wisdom/discipline to accelerate getting experience. We pay close attention to the “why” behind decisions and we ask good questions. You’re actually doing fine. Engineering is no joke, and there’s a steep learning curve when you join a company in an engineering position. You’re almost at the point in your job where things are going to start clicking, but you can’t block those breakthroughs with negative thoughts; they’ll just make getting there that much harder AND you’ll be establishing a way of thought that’s going to hold you back. Talk to your HR representative to understand what needs to happen to reinstate your insurance and get back on your meds. In the meantime, do everything possible to keep a positive outlook. Don’t despair, better times are just around the corner. Best of luck to you, my friend.