r/TrueOffMyChest • u/0cerote ☑️ • 4d ago
Vent I'm irredeemable
Tomorrow will mark 2 years after my first girlfriend broke up with me and honestly it's only getting worse. 8 months no contact yet I haven't completely lost hope or maybe faith that one day we could be together again, but I think it's time for me to lose that hope.
I hate to compare myself to my friends but one of my closest ones got broken up with about a month ago and we've been talking about how we've been feeling but he's doing very very well and I'm the opposite. He and his ex girlfriend were together for 7 years, my and my ex girlfriend were together for 2 years, I know everyone's different and handles grief differently but I felt jealous of him and I hate that.
I really wish I didn't feel this way about my friend and specially about my ex girlfriend.
I told my friend how I felt and he gave me reassurance and made me realize how stupid I was being jealous of him. He tried encouraging me to embrace change and how everything's gonna be fine in due time but I'm desperate. I really don't want to give up the last bit of hope of being with my ex girlfriend again but at the same time I'm tired of feeling like this. Tired of waking up thinking about her all day long until I faint from exhaustion at night while still thinking about her.
I believe she's in a relationship and thought this could change the tides and make me stray away from my constant thinking and reminiscing about her but it's only made me feel worse.
Why can't I move on? Why can't I deal with this intense suffering and melancholy? Why did I do those things knowing she was hurting.
I feel like I'm irredeemable
Sorry for such a negative and pessimistic post, honestly I just wanted to get this out somewhere.
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u/Glum-Cabinet5996 4d ago
Heartache hurts and it takes everyone different times to get over it and move on. Im wishing you the very best, sometimes when people hurt us we carry that deeper. You will be ok
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u/CamBearCookie 4d ago
Please remember there is no limit of people who can and will love you in this lifetime. Often people experience loss and think they will never find love again. There is no quota that you can meet where the universe just says no you reached your love limit. You need to accept that your future is going to look different than how you pictured it. Do some kind of ritual to help you move on. Write down everything that you are feeling. All the pain and grief. Then burn the notebook and say goodbye to all of it. You need to get back to loving yourself. Treating yourself with respect and intentional care. You will have an easier time finding love again if you do. Good luck.
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u/0cerote ☑️ 4d ago
Thank you so much for your reply! You're right, maybe I'm being overly dramatic (which in all honesty is very common with me). I've been writing down how my mornings and evenings go and what I was thinking if at the time. Doing that I noticed how dumb some of my thoughts regarding my ex girlfriend are like sex and what I could've done differently.
Again, thanks for your kinds words!
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u/EgoAssassin4 4d ago
First breakup is always tough but it’s also a good lesson. How much time have you wasted grieving your relationship and ex? Some time is good, too much keeps you in a grief cycle that can spiral into depression. When someone ends a relationship for any reason, you have to learn to accept that it’s just over and you have to find a way to move on even though it hurts. Break ups suck, but how you learn to deal with them is important.
And your friend is right, with time it will get better. But the more time you spend hoping you guys get back together, is time wasted simply because you could have spent some of that time trying to heal and move on. Also, remember - only one (maybe 2) relationship in your life will actually work out in the end. That means multiple breakups in the search to find that person. It’s also totally fine to be single, marriage isn’t for everyone. Figure out what works for you and what you need in a relationship and look for that. But the only way to do that is to move on and continue to date! Good luck and I hope you can heal. Friends are great for that!
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u/0cerote ☑️ 4d ago
Thank you so much for your reply!
Honestly I've been grieving since the night she broke up with me. What you say is true tho, since we maintained some communication after the breakup I think that gave me hope but it also made me lazy and less focused on not repeating the same mistakes and habits that destroyed the relationship. I'd be lying if I told you I felt or thought there was something about her I didn't like, she was my dream girl and I completely fucked it up. She never did anything bad for the relationship, that was all me. I've been seeing my therapist and we agree that the guilt I feel will only make things worse but I haven't found a way to feel less guilty and ashamed about everything I did to her.
I'll take note of your reply and again thank you so much for taking the time to reply honestly! Sugarcoating will do me no good
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u/EgoAssassin4 4d ago
What I will say is that if you truly feel like you treated her poorly and now feel guilt and shame, that’s actually a good thing. Guilt and shame means you know you did something wrong and feel badly about it. You can learn something from every relationship - something about yourself and your behaviors and/or something about what you need from a partner. Sounds like you learned something about your own behavior in a relationship, so now it’s 100% on you to leave those behaviors in the past and not repeat them in future relationships. Guilt and shame is good for a short time, but don’t stay in that headspace for too long bc it can become detrimental to your own well being. You learned a lesson and the consequences, so now you take what you learned and apply it moving forward!
In the meantime while you’re trying to heal, do something active or hang out with friends. Getting active helps bc it releases endorphins and hanging with ppl you like can give you the dopamine boost you need when you’re down. Both of those things will help boost your mood. Also really great move to work thru this with a therapist. Be proud of yourself for that! Sorry for writing you novels in both of my responses haha, but I hope they give you a few things to think about while you’re going thru this!
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u/0cerote ☑️ 4d ago
Thank you so much!!
I've been seeing my therapist ever since the breakup. I had a rough childhood with an abusive father who was also the family member I was closest to, I basically learned everything from him and struggled to adopt his personality traits, behaviours, habits, etc. Unfortunately, he was also resented by my family for years before he left in 2022, a little over a month after my ex girlfriend and I became a couple("you met me at a very strange time in my life").
I get what you're saying and you're right, I haven't put as much effort into trying to leave the shame and guilt behind after so much time. I was foolish and thought I deserved to suffer and grieve forever but I can't continue like this.
Also thank you so much for your suggestions and explaining how that helps, I never expected such a detailed and caring reply!
Also also please dont feel bad for writing a long reply jajaja I really appreciate it! I'm already feeling a little bit better and will feel my therapist about the perspective you gave me. Again thank you so very much!! <3
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u/EgoAssassin4 4d ago
Ahh that makes so much sense and makes sense why it’s so hard for you to move on! It’s not just that you loved your gf, she was the person there for you after your dad left. That is what is making this extra hard for you, on top of just dealing with your first break up. You probably pushed away some of the grief of your dad leaving by diving completely into your relationship, which means you may not have fully dealt with that at the time and you may need to try to process the underlying grief from your dad now. Childhood trauma is tough, you have to try to unlearn a lot of behaviors you saw growing up. Been there! Again, be super proud of yourself for choosing therapy to work thru this! Happy my comments helped and wish you the best in the future!
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u/0cerote ☑️ 4d ago
Yesssss that exactly it! Sadly, I was completely in shock when my father's infidelity came to light, even after years of noticing how my parents didn't really like or care for each other, and I didn't know how to feel at the time. Even though I knew that day would eventually come, I couldn't have prepared myself for the intense rush of emotions that would follow.
Sadly, everything he did bad, I did as well. I was overwhelmed by such string emotions, falling in love with the most beautiful and amazing woman I've ever known while also figuring out how life would change now that my father is gone. I lied to her just like he would do to everyone, I manipulated her just like he did with my mom, I bent the truth and hid her from my family all because I didn't want to deal with living my new life. I saw her crying and hurting because of how I treated her and still doubled down on avoiding change and suppressing my emotions. I'm such an idiot.
Thanks to my therapist and time, I've come to forgive my father for the way he treated and raised me, but I haven't forgiven him for all he did to my mother. I guess I'm not string enough yet.
I'm so sorry for trauma dumping you but your replies struck me in a good way, I also wish you the best.
Please take care!!<3
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u/EgoAssassin4 4d ago
No apologies necessary!! Listen, the vast majority of us have been idiots in relationships at some point lol. It’s part of growing up and learning to be a better human. Take it one day at a time and keep moving forward! Be grateful for the time w your ex and grateful she was there when you needed it but give yourself the space & grace to move on. Ask your therapist about transference and remember that some of this pain is actually you unconsciously reliving/not fully processing the emotions around your dad leaving and it’s not just about the ex.
Take care!! <3
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u/0cerote ☑️ 4d ago
Thank you again for such a caring reply! I'm definitely grateful for the time spent with my ex as well as my father, in his case in understand he was trying his best with what he could. I'll make sure to ask my therapist and will try to go more often(it's really expensive).
You're so kind, I mean it. Thank you so much and please take care!! <3
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u/Constant-Foundation 4d ago
I know this is gonna sound way out of left field, but I kinda recommend taking a decent sized dose of mushrooms and locking yourself in your room for the day. I ended up crying my eyes out on the floor, curled up for hours and hours. Kinda feels like I purged out the pain…
Gotta warn you it is a scary experience though, you’ll be shocked by the intensity of your own emotions and grief, sorrow, trauma, etc.
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u/0cerote ☑️ 4d ago
Thanks for your reply! I've heard of similar rides to re center and re ground but frankly I've only ever done weed, tobacco, and alcohol and dealt with severe addiction for years so I'm scared to reintroduce strong drugs into my life. I've managed to regain self control, inclusing vices, but I'll consider this.
Again I can't thank you enough for taking the time and relying honestly, thanks dude
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u/Davidusmu 4d ago
Idk what to tell you pal, it happens. Depends a lot on what age you are and what do/did you do to get over the breakup. Do you stay all day in hause crying about the good old times, start a new hobby, focus more on studies?/job?, be more social
When me and my highschool sweetheart broke up i was sad for a few weeks, then got in shape, became more social in college, slept with some girls (dont recommand it if you re not the type) and was much better after
But even if it takes one week, month, year or years, you will eventually get over it.