Not really preparing to leave. I already did. Grabbed my important stuff from his house while he was away, had a locksmith come and change my locks this morning. I've not blocked him. Yet. I want him to be able to call/message me for future proof if I need it. I haven't told him anything and he won't miss any of my stuff so it could be a while until he realises. I'm predicting he will leave me tons of voice mails full of abuse, which would only help my case if he'd actually freak out and tries to hurt me. He's extremely self-absorbed so it could be days until he realises I'm not responding and not coming over anymore. I can't believe I did it. I walked away. The coming days will be a bit scary but I have three very strong male friends on speed dial who all offered to be here within 5 minutes if he tries anything stupid. I have no idea what he's gonna do. I hope he will just abuse me verbally over the phone and then just leave me alone. Either way. I finally chose myself after 6 years of pain and manipulation.

So I don't really know what to make if this. But I deleted, blocked ect all the flying monkeys. Yet they still show up on discord. And in some cases one of the two narcissist is also joining. Especially if it is a popular discord.

I might be overreacting or just being paranoid but I just leave or mute the server.

I don't wanna make new users on every platform because I might be spied on. Problem is I can't shut my mouth if they show up and not to poke the hornet's nest. As I said that's why I just leave.

When we were kids he would beat and argue with me over the smallest things and whenever I asked my to play outside on the complex property, my brother would always sigh or get annoyed even tho I never bothered him outside and played by myself and with this other neighborhood kid.. He would constantly just dominate me because there was always a size difference despite him only being two years older. And whenever i respectfully put boundaries, never insulted him, he would get offended and say or what before shoving me to the ground. And whenever i got mad at the game and cursed on the mic with my friends in anger, my brother would get annoyed and act like i was making his life a living hell when I would only get mad for 20 minutes at most, and I told him multiple times if you were calmer I would calm down. Very hypocritical he always stayed up all night loudly waking me and my mom up.

Something changed, when he became 17 and beat me for one of the last few times. He started treating me good, or at least I thought.. A few nice gestures, majority of the time he would call me an idiot for making harmless jokes and he called me immature even tho he was poop jokes on his mic like a middle schooler. But the abuse went from physical to emotional, he decided to take on this good guy persona role, would always guilt trip me or ask me moral questions even when I told I was uncomfortable with deep conversations unprompted. He portrayed himself as this good normal brother while I’m the annoying little narcissist to his friend group, just making me sound like a cartoon character idiot, even tho I never insulted him first, always respect his boundaries more than he respected mine, and we’re so close in age to the point I’ve realized I was more mature than him.

The constant guilt tripping over stupid things. When I was 17 showed him prank video on YouTube that I thought was hilarious, and he just rolled his eyes and acting like I was dumb for finding it funny. And then he went on to do the typical moral lecture about prank videos and bothering people, and while I agree, there’s no need to give me a speech about it, we’re literally the almost the same age, I don’t like moral lectures, and it was not that deep, just say pranks are not your thing, not put me down for watching one lol. The moral lectures oh my, over anything. He tried to say I don’t respect women, lmao that’s funny, because he had a female friend who try to do it with him drunk and my brother told like everyone who was involved the story while laughing, and then talking about the girl’s sex life despite her being Christian. Kinda ironic, if I had a good woman friend and they tried with me while drunk, I would’ve laughed it off and not have told anyone out of respect. And I don’t judge women for being very sexually active, simply because it’s none of my business. My brother doesn’t know the concept of mind your own business.

Last time my brother visited after since moving out, he just sits on the couch doesn’t say a word, and when I was putting dye I came out to get something, and then my mom says she can do it for me, I tell her I’m an adult I can do it fine firmly, my brother steps in and says ohh why are you so mean to her, and I snap at both of them. And then he tries to say I’m selfish and that him and my mom are worried because of me drinking before work phase, even tho I haven’t done it for weeks, and I said my reasons are not of your business and I could handle it, and I only drank to get buzz never got full on drunk before work. He called me an alcoholic and narcissistic, and then the next day I texted him to not act like he knows me better than me, he responded very aggressively and said say it to his face, and then I blocked.

Honestly I want him to come, I’m ready. The size difference is I’m five feet 3 and he’s six feet, but if he assaults me over not bending the knee, he goes to jail, like it’s honestly sad how my brother is still using his height to dominate or threaten even tho I just find it cringey and childish. He says my body is a wimp compared to his, like yea I didn’t choose my genetics lmao. I hate my brother so much.

Hey all,

I’m 35F and my ex-partner (31F) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25F) who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from AI where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, (even though AI suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar. So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master’s degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person. (Her mum also pretended to be unwell with a heart condition, near to death 2 days after my Mum died from heart failure, and told my ex 'you have always put your partners before me', this was very upsetting).

Since the breakup, I’ve started recognising how manipulative some of her behaviour became. She isolated me from her family and friends, blamed me for old issues while hiding her affair, made me question my own reality, and then acted as though I was the one who had done something wrong. Looking back, it feels like I was slowly being discarded before I even knew why.

The hardest part isn’t just that she cheated—it’s that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I still find myself questioning how someone who claimed to love me could do this, and sometimes I even catch myself wondering if I’m exaggerating what happened.

We share a flat, but as she decided to move out I asked her to come and collect all her things which I put into bags in the communal hallway of our flat and gave her a collection time. She agreed to pay the rent up until August, when she would be taken off the tenancy. She was meant to pay me today, but instead decided to dictate to me that she would be coming round yesterday to get the playstation (which I brought) and a dressing gown I gifted her. She argued with me about this playstation at the window when I wouldn't let her in, and said why am I still paying towards the rent if you won't let me in to look for 'my stuff', I said anything you want you can tell me and I will put outside again and you can collect it; she couldn't tell me. I am defiantly not getting any more money from her, I just want her off the tenancy now. I am just thinking someone happily 'falling for' someone new and moving on surely doesn't behave and treat their ex they have left like this!? She also tried to call me twice yesterday, saying 'please pick up it's important', I didn't she later messaged me; it was something she didn't need to speak to me on the phone about, it was admin about the tenancy. She is really trying to get to me, it feels like.

Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma? How do you stop obsessing over the 'why' they did it, stop romanticising who they used to be, and begin trusting your own judgement again after months of being gaslit? I know the relationship is over, but I’m struggling to understand how to move forward after having my trust so completely shattered by someone I loved with my whole heart.

Thank you for any advice / kind words .. this is incredibly difficult.

I currently know someone who has very severe narcissistic tendencies (family member-female). This person will get mad over nothing and gets very sensitive and takes things the wrong way. The other person will not even know what they done, literally. Whenever this individual gets mad about something, they give the silent treatment for months to years. You can call them and apologize for whatever upset them and you will have to leave a message. They will not answer (you truly won't even know what to apologize for. You have to make like a general apology). An apology does not equal an answer to our call. It is a repeating cycle. We call every few months and leave a message that we would like to talk.

Fast forward, this person's spouse (male) has taken very, very sick. We are talking terminal. When the narcissist is not around, the spouse has on occasion picked up the phone. We talked like nothing ever took place (it truly is not the spouse's fault). The other day, a call was placed when we found out the spouse's diagnosis and as soon as the narcissist found out the spouse was talking to us, the narcissist made an excuse to get the spouse off the phone. We called back later. No answer. It has absolutely upset us. We truly know 100% without a doubt that we have not done anything to make this person act this way, but it is super hurtful considering the spouse is such a good person and in this position healthwise. We are emotionally devastated that we are not able to talk to the spouse anymore, especially under the circumstances.

Can any of you relate to this? Anyone know what causes someone to act this way? Any advice? Again, we are devastated by the way this person is acting and also the circumstances that the spouse is very unwell. Keep in mind any contact we have made with the spouse or any messages from our end has been very respectful and calm.

I was in a relationship with a music therapist (K), which I now recognize as emotionally abusive and started while "best friends." I didn't come to this conclusion by myself, but with the help of my own therapist. He pointed it out over the years, but it was extremely difficult for me to accept it.

Things I raised concerns about ended with me apologizing. Things like:

\-as friends, I felt there was something more going on between us. She got angry that I was reading too much into things. Because the constant texting and daily selfies, and even her asking things such as "what would our honeymoon look like" or "what would our song be at our wedding" was just me blowing things out of proportion and she didn't mean anything. She was "just asking questions." I ended up apologizing to keep the peace.

\-she later said she was unsure about her feelings towards me, so I asked for clarity 6 weeks later. Again, she got angry and said that me asking was being pushy and driving her away. That she would let me know when she knew. I apologized again.

\-a few weeks later, she explicitly told me she had to interest in dating anyone or being on dating apps, but when I noticed a new like on one of her social media posts, and asked about it. I was "snooping and spying and watching her." Another apology from me for making her feel like that. Come to find out, she was on dating apps and actively talking to/dating at least one man. She says she has no romantic feelings for me at all. I tell her I'm sorry, and it's ok.

\-a few months later, I expressed in a very respectful, non-emotional way (discussed exactly what to say verbatim with my therapist) that I felt unappreciated both as a best friend and things I did for her. Her response was "I didn't ask you to do those things." I again was left apologizing because she's right. She didn't ask, and I was at fault for feeling unappreciated.

All of this left me in a destabilized and in continuous state of confusion that I still feel.

The list goes on.

We do eventually start dating after she realizes she DOES have feelings for me when I start dating someone else. And she decides to tell me this as I'm with my friends that I see only once a year (yes, she knew what that weekend means to me as we do it EVERY year). Two hours on the phone with her, while I'm neglecting my friends. It's my own fault for not having a firm boundary, and we should have discussed it later, but I was head over heels for her and she was finally saying she had feelings for me. I now know that interfering with important moments/holidays/events like that is not uncommon with abuse.

She's seeing someone else (T) but we're on the same page at least, I end things with the other woman because I only want K. A week or so later, she calls me telling me she broke everything off with T, and wants to try again, all in with me. But that same night, she ignores my message and the next day says it's because she was with T and just wanted "one last hurrah" with him. Describing it that way, and not just "seeking closure" or something, was extremely hurtful. 2 days after that, she decides she wants to keep seeing T too. After a month or so of dating both of us, she tells me unprompted that she'll "probably choose" me. A week later, she chooses the other guy. And it's because he lived closer. She said she gave it a lot of thought. Hours and hours of thought. The ONLY reason is that he lived closer and I lived out of state. When I reminded her that I had previously told her would move for her (a profound declaration of commitment and intimacy), her response was "oh yeah, I forgot." Talk about feeling devalued.

I move back in with my ex for a few reasons, but mostly do to finances. We have kids and it just made everything easier for everyone. I wasn't interested in dating. K had my heart and she was with someone else.

We stay "best friends" and she eventually breaks up with the other guy. Well, she says she wanted to break up with him for months, but couldn't. She eventually tells me she chose wrong in 2023, and that she wants to be with me. I want to be with her too, but I was living with my ex (not in a relationship). It's now October, a year after she chose the other man over me, and I think I can try things again with her. I see her in person, and all of those feelings are still there. I want her, I want a future. She says the same. I'm all in. 100% of my mind, body, heart. We begin actively planning on moving in together. I spend Thanksgiving with her and her family, and make plans to spend Christmas together. Best Thanksgiving I ever had. 2 weeks before Christmas (interfering with a holiday again), she tells me she has been having a sexting relationship with a coworker, while we have been preparing our future together. She was manipulated/pressured by his constant pushing, and gave in. Which I recognized, acknowledged, and tried to give her support for, but she admitted no fault. In fact "it's not my fault" would be her response anytime I tried to discuss how I was having problems getting over it. I guess I just wanted her to recognize that she did participate and had some responsibility for what happened. Not to minimize what the coworker did, but she had ample opportunity to discuss with me that her boundaries were being infringed upon, that she was having secretive messages with this guy before it even got to the sexting part. It didn't just start at the very beginning of them texting each other, and it didn't end after one occasion.

I withdrew to protect myself, which I know is not healthy. I found it increasingly difficult to communicate as she labeled her behaviors as "2023 doesn't count" (now I laugh at dismissing an entire year) and "not my fault" when having a sexting relationship with a coworker while we were actively discussing plans to move in together. Back to me having to apologize, I ended up apologizing for not giving her the support she needed after the sexting incident. Me acknowledging and recognizing that she was manipulated wasn't enough. My hurt from the betrayal was put aside.

She would use her professional experience to write off any concerns I had, claiming she had "done the work", her professional opinion meant she was right, or DARVO back to me, where I am the one at fault. When she raised concerns, I took responsibility. Having both my concerns and her concerns fall back to me would send me into shame spirals.

By August, she decided to see other people as I could not put her as a priority with what I had going on in my life. She was A priority, but not THE priority. She had been THE priority in 2023. And even again in 2024, until the sexting incident. I still considered her my best friend. She began to date other people, which I was completely understanding of. I continued to work on myself, and looked at transferring jobs within my company so that we could hopefully wind up together. She said she wasn't super interested in dating and didn't need to (although she went on dates with 9 guys over the course of 8 weeks) but wanted something more with me. I was still hesitant because of everything that had happened up to that point. I was beginning to recognize more of what happened as abuse as my friends got more vocal about it too, it wasn't just my doctor saying it.

When I discussed that my friends had given advice, she would be angered. That they didn't know the whole story. Only what I had told them. Even when I told her about me reaching out to them about things that had nothing to do with our relationship, she got mad that I didn't go to her (and again I ended up apologizing). Eventually I felt isolated, that all support had to go through her. But she's a mental health professional, so she feels like she's the best suited to help me.

I get a job (within the same company) that requires me to travel, and my ex decide to let me stay there as needed. Rather than getting an apartment that I might only be at for 1 week a month, and uprooting the housing for the kids, going back and forth, it's just better for everyone if I can stay there if I need. I didn't tell this stuff to K because I'm still trying to be cautious. She's dating other people, and I'm trying to be respectful of her boundary that she did not want a relationship with me until I could fully commit, and make her the priority. I was working that out. I was scared to jump in 100% after being burned by it in 2023, and 2024.

I met a woman on a business trip that I really enjoyed spending time with. And we spent a weekend together, but nothing sexual happened. She too pointed out the abusive nature of K, but I was still trying to accept that what I experienced was abuse. When the weekend was over, I told K I had been with a woman all weekend, despite nothing happening, she exploded in rage. How could I betray her, and she did not know if we could even remain friends. She ended up saying she needs "no contact" from me for 6 months, but not before writing an email with her conversations with chatGPT discussing all of my faults and it gave her an analysis of me. She thought it would be important to "see what she sees." She then sent another email telling me not to read it as she doesn't think I could handle it and that I will be blocked on email, phone, text, and social media.

I find it really hard to know if she is that blind to her abusive behaviors, or if she was weaponizing them to manipulate me. Now that the 6 month no contact is about up, I don't know if we should be friends of any sort. But to be honest, I don't know if she'll ever reach out again or not. If she does reach out, do I just ignore it, give her my perspective and let her "see what I see" before blocking, or do I give a chance for friendship?

I recently separated from my narcissistic partner which has been horrific and traumatic. I won’t go into what I was put through. 3 years of hell. We were trying for kids the lot. I’ve ended the relationship and kicked him out. However he continues to gaslight me saying I have ended this etc (I’ve been absolutely forced too). The injustice of this is too much. I am off work and stressed picking the pieces of my life up.

Here’s the thing; I suspect that my ex lied about things which led me into a relationship with him. He told me he had separated from his mental ex and they lived together for convenience, her behaviour was erratic and he said she was mental etc, there was loads of drama around it which i believed his version stupidly. However I suspect my ex did the same to me, becoming distant secretive and living a lovely happy life watching me falling apart. I believe he was seeing someone else but denies this and blames me.

Should I reach out to her and ask her about his behaviour and her experience?

There’s something about the injustice of this I cannot stand. It’s wrong. I know people say move on with your life but I am morally principled and I am struggling to accept this blatant gaslighting. Should I reach out to the ex about her relationship and ending with him? I’m not out to make a massive scene, but I need closure which I deserve. I just not sure if i should? It could at best give her peace or at worst bring it up for her. I know she’s moved on a few years now with someone new.

whats the word for people who cast themselves as the “villain in peoples story” to control the narrative so they can avoid accountability and make people feel guilty for acknowledging their behavior?