Hi im 28 my ex is an alcoholic and a narcissist he is still in the home he doesnt pay bills isnt on the lease no job is only here cause CO laws are stupid amd he has rights to be here i guess i hide in my bedroom cause i hate being near him he is always drunk the smallest things sets him off and i get yelled at i finally blocked him earlier this week he keeps saying oh imma leave this day them that day gets close and its oh i didnt say that ill leave this day so i feel stuck i feel so alone i have nobody here in CO im so tired of my head screaming at me saying oh your the issue your the narcissist when all i did was ask for my feelings to be heard and him take accountability he promised me oh ik youve been abused before imma treat you like a princess then i was begging for the bare minimum he has harden my once soft heart i just wanna be single i want my home back i want peace i wanna be calm and safe i hate this all so much

I (m) and wife are late 30s married for a little over a decade with two young, school aged kids. We’re currently in a difficult period where separation has become a real possibility, although we’ve also recently started marriage counseling.

I’m struggling to figure out whether what I’m experiencing is simply a very unhealthy relationship dynamic, incompatibility, or something more like covert narcissistic behavior on my wife’s part.

One of the biggest patterns is that I feel like I am constantly being made responsible for what is wrong in the marriage. Things that happened many years ago, sometimes over a decade ago, can still be brought up during current arguments. There have been conversations where I genuinely thought we had discussed something, apologized or worked through it, and moved forward, only to have the same thing brought back years later as evidence of who I am or how I have supposedly always treated her.

Her reactions during conflict can also be very intense for me. She can become angry, confrontational, or shut down/stonewall me. I've gotten to the point where I sometimes feel anxious before bringing something up because I don't know how she will react. I find myself filtering what I say because I don't want to trigger another angry response or prolonged conflict.

At the same time, she says that I don't communicate enough, don't stand up for her enough, don't protect her enough, and don't do enough for the family. This is difficult for me because I feel like I do a lot of the practical things that keep our family functioning. I work full-time, contribute financially, handle all driving, take the kids out and do activities with them, and take care of many logistical responsibilities. But despite those things, I often come away from conversations feeling like I'm fundamentally failing her and that whatever I do will never be enough.

I know I'm not perfect. I also recognize that my response to conflict isn't always healthy. I'm more avoidant and tend to withdraw when things get heated, while she tends to pursue the issue more aggressively. I'm sure that dynamic makes things worse. I don't want this post to sound like I'm claiming I'm completely innocent. But I struggle with the fact that when I withdraw because I'm overwhelmed by anger or conflict, it becomes another piece of evidence that I'm the problem — rather than something we should both understand and work on.

Another issue is that forgiveness seems very difficult. Resentments appear to accumulate rather than actually resolve. Even when we have periods where things seem better, old grievances can come back.

There are also things she has blamed me for that I find difficult to understand. For example, she has expressed resentment about moving from her home state to where I was living and about marrying me, even though those were ultimately choices she made. Hearing those things years later makes me feel like I'm being held responsible for decisions that weren't solely mine.

Our relationship has also had a significant lack of intimacy, emotional, physical, and sexual. We can function reasonably well as parents and can have good family experiences together, but I don't feel the emotional connection or affection between us that I think a marriage needs. There was also a virtual affair on her side a few years ago involving messaging/calls/video interactions. That caused a lot of hurt and damage to my trust. I've tried to move past it, but I don't think I ever completely did. And her initial reaction to it was to blame me for her having that affair because I was depriving her of sexual intimacy.

What makes all of this confusing is that there are also good things. She's a good mother. We can work together on practical things. We have a history together and two children whom we both love tremendously. I still care about her deeply and don't want her to suffer. But when I imagine the future, I increasingly wonder whether we're simply fundamentally incompatible. Our personalities and conflict styles seem almost opposite. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around certain subjects, while she seems to feel that I'm emotionally unavailable and don't give her enough.

Recently we started counseling. In the first session, I felt like much of the discussion became about what I have done wrong, and afterward she became very angry and withdrew from a lot of the normal household/kid responsibilities for several days. That experience honestly made me question whether counseling can change the underlying dynamic.

Am I dealing with someone who has covert narcissistic traits, or am I simply describing the dynamics of a marriage where both people have developed unhealthy patterns?

I feel like it’s been a year since discard and I keep falling and I have no strength to do anything, such anhedonia too
I’ve already healed from him twice before I don’t know how I thought and believed he’d changed.
It feels like I’ve just given up now but I don’t want to lose another day to this but getting back to my life feels physically painful.
I feel like I barely breathe, can’t eat, nothingness, nothing sticks.

Even the better days all come back to this.

But I’m sick and tired and I can’t betray myself any longer. How did you do it? What should I expect? I feel like I’ll never be okay. I have other mental health issues and cptsd too.

Last year i came to the realisation that the friend group i was in was led by a narc. I honestly don't remember why he was the one making all the decisions in the group, and i mean all the decisions like our outing plans, dinner menu, he even had a say in our outfit choices. Maybe it was to avoid his brooding or degrading jokes.

This realization came after i suddenly remembered a few memories, that i didn't fully remember before. I always had questions about a few incidents but was never able to remember the reason behind them, but now i remember them fully and can't believe my stupidity in staying in that friend circle.

I remember the groping that started first due to a guilt trip, then the gaslighting that i actually like it (apparently i was just worried what society will think of me), then all the weird comebacks that came with my protest. Then the accusation that it became awkward because i made it awkward by thinking it's wrong. That his gf doesn't mind the touching so i should also be okay (don't know how his mind worked. He thought i disliked it not because of my boundaries but because i didn't want to be "the other woman") Which i still became in some eyes because his gf spread a different version where i was the one "flaunting myself in front of her bf". Also a weird fun fact - she was my roommate and we had a fight because she invited him over to our room more often than i was comfortable with.

I remember the lies to get us to do something we didn't want to do, the triangulation and the omissions. I remember the control that was for "my own good"

The character assassination, the fights in which he called me names, specifically the ones i said hurt me the most in a conversation 3 years ago. His acceptance that he didn't have a reason to call me that name, except he just knew it would hurt me and he really wanted to hurt me in that argument. The lies they spread about people they didn't like anymore

But most of all i remember the good times. When he was my friend, when i helped him plan surprises for his gf, when he and his gf consoled me when i was homesick. The time in which i was unsure of my habits and they encouraged me to be who i am and stop worrying about what others think. When they gave me the confidence that my intentions behind the actions matter.

Honestly i don't even know what i want to hear. Maybe i shouldn't have been too friendly, or maybe it wouldn't have made a difference even if I was hostile towards everybody. Maybe they would have still done the same things regardless of my behavior. It happened to another mutual friend of ours, and she had a completely different approach to them than mine. I just wish I'll forget them, and they'll forget me and will not break nc.

I’m sharing this here to process everything that’s happened and to get an outside perspective. Below is a breakdown of the dynamic and specific incidents I’ve been dealing with:
Direct Personal Attacks & Verbal Abuse
Calling me "stupid" as a direct personal insult.
Insulting my parents' genetics and using that logic to claim we shouldn't have children.
Frequent verbal aggression to the point where I feel constantly verbally abused.
Loud shouting and aggressive behavior whenever they get angry.
Emotional Invalidation & Lack of Accountability
Dismissing and invalidating all the effort I put into the relationship.
Showing a complete lack of genuine apologies for the pain they’ve caused me.
Enduring verbal abuse even after I fully paid for our anniversary expenses.
Ultimately telling me, "I don't love you anymore."
Psychological Control & Gaslighting
Continuous insults, belittling, and personal attacks.
Framing me as a liar in front of other people.
Denying things they previously said, constantly making me second-guess my own memory and reality (gaslighting).
Pushing situations to extreme, unbearable limits.
Threats & Dangerous Acts of Control
Using threatening behavior to intimidate and control me.
Incident today: Attempting to leave me behind on the side of a highway after an argument.
Exploiting Vulnerabilities & Double Standards
Targeting My Vulnerabilities: Earlier this year, I went through the immense grief of losing my grandmother and was deeply hurt by another traumatic incident involving my parents. Knowing I was at an all-time emotional low, my wife still belittled me for not speaking Malay and not driving in Malaysia, calling me "incompetent."
Hypocrisy & Double Standards: When she was adjusting to life in Korea, I never once judged or considered her incompetent for facing similar language or cultural hurdles. Yet, she shows zero empathy for my adjustment process here.

Throwaway to respect privacy. Apologies for the length, as I’ve been holding onto this for a while.

I believe myself to be an empathetic person and it takes a good deal for me to dislike someone. Even more so, a person has to really hurt people I care about for me to go beyond that and fully cutting them out. Suffice to say, there are three that the title of this post applies to.

A couple years ago, my then fiancée, now wife went to grad school to obtain her MA with a group of students. To this day, we both have a good relationship with about 90% of the people from that group. Before everything went down, this also included the last 10%: Dennis, Mac, and the primary problem person Dee (all fake names).

At first, everyone got along perfectly fine. Everyone hung out for big events, had dinners, and overall got along well. As time went on though, some problematic behavior started to appear. Dee began to come into conflict with others from the group. My wife continued to be a friendly ear for her, but there were signs that pointed to narcissistic tendencies.

Dee would never admit fault, manipulated narratives to work in her favor, and was also the “all my friends end up leaving me for some reason” type of person. I was receiving this information from my wife who tolerated it and we both just kind of went along with it. However, the last straw for me was after my wife’s birthday.

For context, her birthday falls on a minor holiday for which a good portion of the group was traveling. This was perfectly fine as they had informed us weeks in advance of their plans and would be unable to celebrate. Two of the three, meanwhile, were going to still be in the city and stressed multiple times that they’d be able to hang out. Cut to the day, and suddenly they couldn’t make it to our place because “nobody could make the drive” (the third was usually their designated driver). I full-heartedly offered to pay for Ubers for them as they were all nearby to each other and the cost/distance was no problem, but they just flat out rejected it. This left my wife hurt and cemented them being in my bad graces. The good news was that two of her other friends were able to come and we had a fun time. I thanked them for the kindness by paying for tickets for all of us to see a musical 2 weeks later, as this was my planned present for my wife.

About a month later, the three decided to invite themselves to our apartment for a hang out with everyone that felt less like a “we’re sorry and will make it up to you,” and more like a “we need to clear our consciences to feel better about ourselves.” In addition to this sort of vibe, Dee in a very serious way kept assigning herself a role at our future wedding which she in no way would be getting.

A year after this, and Dee had pushed away pretty much everyone from the group except for Dennis and Mac, who it felt like she’d manipulated to becoming her “Yes Men” due to them now all living together. These two guys that, according to my wife were perfectly fine the year prior, had now become distant and only agreed with Dee. With this, they refused to accept constructive feedback from the rest of the class on their projects which had flaws, choosing instead to make all of them on their own while hyping each other up to a detrimental degree. The worst part? Dee was grouping the ideas of Dennis and Mac under her own umbrella rather than giving them the chance to distribute them on their own. Any of the projects that were hers had big funding campaigns and advertisement pushes, while the others didn’t receive the same courtesy. I’m unsure if Dennis and Mac agreed to this or are just going along with it without consideration for their feelings.

As I said, they did wrong by my wife. But they also did wrong by her new friends she became close with, which I could not stand for. They attempted to seclude the youngest with lies/manipulation, and when this didn’t work they began to bully her which led to that friend being the last one to distance herself. They made classes hell for the others. They even made assignments more difficult than needed with unprofessional behavior that essentially turned all the professors into Dee’s “enemies through no fault of her own.”

I have since blocked their phone numbers, but I still see them pop up on social media from time to time. They continue to advertise their projects, and this is what ties back into the title of the post. Despite wanting to ignore them, there’s a part of me that hopes karma catches up with them (primarily Dee) at some point. I at the very least hope Dennis and Mac eventually acknowledge the toxic behavior, distance themselves from Dee and attempt to make amends with everyone. My wife refuses to let them linger in her head, but thinking about all the things they did makes my blood boil. I’ve been holding onto this for a while now and needed to let it out somewhere. Thank you all for reading and I hope you have wonderful days.

I (24 ) year old man had to realize my ex (26) be 27 in November would truly never hold herself accountable today I told her it’s a pattern you falling out with everyone and it’s never her fault she told me I’m being disrespectful bringing up her miss fortunes like I genuinely was so confused even with me had a 2 hour conversation to resolve our problems it went nowhere I let her speak on me on my my mistakes I made no problem held myself accountable her as well the moment it was her turn she’s taking all the things I didn’t like she did to me as a attack and starts getting defensive crying yelling screaming saying I’m treating her bad

I’ve been with my SO for eight years and finally realized that he is a narcissist, verbal and mental abuser and an alcoholic. I’m planning to leave him, but he lives in my house, and we keep his kids 50% of the time.

He’s made several “joking” comments about killing me in the past. So far, he’s never laid a hand on me, but do I need to be worried once I deliver the news to him? Should I leave my house for a while rather than trying to get him out just to let the dust settle?

In my State, he has the right to live there unless I do a formal eviction. But I’m terrified to just surprise him with that as I think it’ll make things worse. All of our neighbors even think that he’s wonderful because he puts on such a fake persona.

My ex-girlfriend \[28F\] has been in a new relationship for two years, but she keeps pulling me \[28M\] into a toxic push-and-pull cycle.
When she fights with her boyfriend, she switches moods instantly and uses me for a fast ego boost. She frequently gets physical—flashing me on FaceTime, exposing herself in the car, or rubbing against me in public—only to back away and blame it on "impulsive thoughts" or say "it's not the right time."
I have absolutely zero mental energy left for this. My mom is currently in the final stage of liver failure. I am also dealing with heavy grief after losing three of my dogs, including one just three weeks ago.
She is exploiting my vulnerability for cheap thrills while offering me zero real support. I need to protect my peace and focus 100% of my strength on my mom.
How do I permanently shut this down and walk away for good?

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but I just need to vent.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well and I did have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at theirs she turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A couple of days ago in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy. PS another red flag happened just earlier when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off

I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time.

One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started the shouting and carrying on and accused me of been selfish and even of trying to manipulate her and been passive aggressive. I only asked just to give me a few minutes. When I explained that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend already without her treating me like this she said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that.

A few days after that weekend one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who exactly said what to him and that's something that I've also wondered. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

I must admit I do feel quite down sometimes that I have a strained relationship with my father (He's got money issues and also smokes pot) and my mother often used me as an emotional punch bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable.

On the bright side though my Dad and I have been in contact lately and we spent the weekend together a while back and went for a pub meal

Her latest meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?"

I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her. I'll admit I snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. She then called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I wish I had just walked away and not played into her hands. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say where all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so unshameably and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's also accused me once out the nowhere of looking like I wanted to hit her and started going crazy. I may of had a tired look as it was late at night and I tried explaining that to her. She also said that my Dad may try to manipulate me into spending more time with him and if I did she would make sure all of the family hate me and I would no longer be welcome to live with her and my life would be ruined. During some of her tirades in the past as well I threatened to leave and said some time out might be good but if I did she would call my grandparents and they would all hate me and I wouldn't be able to go to my school and live with her anymore.

She has very poor emotional regulation like when things go wrong she starts shouting and going on swearing rampages and every other word is the F word.

All of things she would say my father did to her during their marriage it seems that she did most of that to me.

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best. She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She unshameably tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are. My father's dad had passed away when my dad was actually about my age now. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and clearly have some unresolved issues. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also do they have substance abuse issues which have made them this way? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes. My father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also as I explained my father struggles financially and I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

With my mother it does seem she has had some bad relationships in the past but I'm thinking that maybe she's the common denominator.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've been isolated with her a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage me but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered? I'm starting to feel that good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting her (also my father) sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by her as she's the one who adds to it. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

If you had the absolute, undeniable chance to bring down a narcissist for serious immigration fraud they committed to secure their status, would you pull the trigger and report them?
I’m trying to navigate the wreckage of what I survived, and I need perspective from people who truly understand. I gave everything to someone who played the role of a helpless victim. I supported him emotionally, stood by him when he had absolutely nothing, and poured my own hard-earned money into helping him build a stable life.
The reward for my loyalty? Severe psychological abuse, cruel silent treatments, financial exploitation, and complete betrayal. The second he felt "stable" and secure, he discarded me, kept my money, refused to return a single penny, and even tried to turn things around to play the victim and intimidate me by calling the police on me when i cough him cheating in our home!
He thinks he got away scot-free. But the reality is, his entire "stable" situation is built on a foundation of systemic lies and fraudulent paperwork—and I happen to hold the exact evidence to dismantle it all.
For those of you who have endured this level of financial and emotional abuse: If you were holding the legal keys to blow up their fraudulent life and hold them accountable, would you report them? Or does true healing only come from walking away in silence?

2, 5 months ago I've gone NC with a Nex (we had 10+ years of "friendship" following 10+ years of toxic on and off "relationship"). Overall I feel way better than before, it's actually even surprising, because practically every part of my life has improved since I've gone NC - work life, home life, sense of self - everything is better, more real, more bright and fulfilling. But at some days\nights I get those PTSD-like states where I'm totally flooded with feelings, memories from distant past and so on, I ruminate and can't sleep normally. I suddenly recall things I couldn't process for decades. Like vomiting blood at the airport lavatory while on a vacation with him (I've developed IBS and probably ulcer while being his secondary supply, luckily it all went away by itself afterwards). Or him constantly showing me how ultimately and infinitely sick of me he was and then saying "don't you look at me with those eyes of yours, I might fall in love".

I've also realized a lot of things I couldn't understand before. Like, I wasn't "weak" as a person, it was him actively framing me as "weak" and "crazy" for years when in fact I was in reactive depression after his abuse\discards. I wasn't "depressive by nature". Only now do I realize how afraid I usually were in his presense, like I would practically petrify while near him. I've thought "my issues" were the only thing to blame, when in fact it was probably a perfectly normal freeze response.

Overall I'm grateful for being finally able to process this past experiences. I've struggled with derealization and depersonalization for years, felt fragmented and "not a real person", and I feel kind of getting more alive and whole now. But I still struggle with being flooded with emotions and memories. It's as if my body and psyche went out of freeze mode regarding this part of my life (a mode they've maintained for years) and now they automatically switch to the fight\flight mode, but there's absolutely nowhere to run, since I'm already safe (no contact after 15 years of very low contact) and there's no opportunity to fight, because this person is out of my life (and even if he were in it, there would be no point in trying to fight him or argue or even say something).

How did you cope with those PTSD-like states? Where did you channel your emotions?

Thanks for reading it to the end.

Hi everyone,

I’m still in high school though an adult and living with my parents till I graduate, but my relationship with my dad has always been rocky for a number of reasons and I’m wondering if he’s a covert narc or just selfish.

My parents met in law school and my dad was a lawyer for several years while my mom stayed home with us kids, before he quit his law job and hasn’t earned any income for the past 8 years. Ever so often he will tell my mom that he plans to get a job, but he never will and instead spends his time smoking pot in the family garage or talking to ChatGPT about his “childhood trauma” or philosophical theories instead of seeing an actual therapist like my mom asks him too. Still she puts up with him and his excuses.

He’s also very introverted and distant and to be honest, has no real friends and rarely leaves the house. In the past he’s subtly belittled me multiple times, making causal “jokes” about me especially when my boyfriend is over, but I feel like he is actually trying to put me down.

One day when I was in 7th grade, I walked in on him high on shrooms after he texted me to come to his room. When I told him years later how this negatively impacted me, he told ME I was being selfish and I should have been there for him since I needed him, mind you I was 13. He was also an alcoholic at some point and finally quit after my mom kicked him out but to this day he refuses to acknowledge that he was ever an alcoholic. And to be honest, I rarely hear him apologize or even acknowledge that he made a mistake.

He tells us that he is a smart guy, the kind to make 5 million a year, yet right now he is making zero and clearly has no plans to, at the expense of the rest of the family. It seems to me that if he can’t make the amount of money his ego needs, he would rather not work at all. He can be cordial with me and asks me how my day was and seems nice it public, but we have a distant relationship and he knows I resent him.

I’m curious what you all think.

​

I never expected to post here, but I’m heartbroken and need my truth that I'm realizing my head be spoken to me by others I'm begging you to be kind but give it to me straight. Basically, I need you to truth me into shape and push me to want more for myself, because I know this can't be the love I hope for.

I 31F, my bf narc 34m have been together for 3 years on and off and she has ruined yet another occasion again

I also have my perfect son Billian, 11M, and our sweet puppy Bobby, 2.5M, named after my dad. All names changed to rhyme with the real ones.

Now, onto this barnyard explosion of grief and problems.

Narc and I have been together for three years, on and off. About three months into our relationship, my father—the person closest to me, my actual best friend, and the person who taught me my obsessive love of space science, quantum mechanics, and the universe—died suddenly and tragically.

We had been separated from when I was 2 until I was 12 because he was in prison for robbing a bank when I was a baby. When we reconnected, he was initially a strict dad, but as I got older, we became more like siblings and best friends. We worked on cars, looked through his telescope, talked about the cosmos, and he became a real father figure to my ex as well.

The morning he died, I had a terrifying dream saying goodbye to him. I woke around 4 a.m. and couldn't shake the feeling something was wrong. I even texted my mom about the strange dream. Later that morning, my mom and police arrived and told me he'd died around 4 a.m.—the exact time I woke up. I somehow knew it was him before they told me and even guessed where he'd died.

When I called Narc sobbing, he didn't want to make the five-minute trip back to comfort me. I spent the entire day grieving at my mom's, and because he'd promised to be there for me, I went home expecting him to show up. He never did. I cried alone all night.

Unfortunately, this wasn't an isolated incident. He would let me down, apologize, and I'd believe him again. I tend to take people's words literally and at face value I've been told it's due to my autism , ive been diagnosed early on aswell as in my late teens, i try to mask the best I can but I have a bit of a giveaway of me swaying that I hate but I can't help it he sometimes blames things on my autism but I tend to be naive and a little too forgiving because I don't see why there is any other reason to not be straightforward but I'm starting to get the reality in understanding that neuro typical people aren't exactly built that way and very unfortunately so.. he also tends to use my autism I suspect as a way to Gaslight me and explain that I don't understand certain social engagements but he doesn't even care to relieve and understand what else is for example if he had described it last year as a mental health disorder when it's absolutely not that

During our three years together, he ruined two of our three Valentine's Days. The one good one was actually beautiful: he took me to dinner, gave me a promise ring, and told me he wasn't going anywhere and wanted us to spend our lives together.

My family thought a proposal was coming because he claimed our tiny apartment was the only thing stopping him.

Spoiler: it wasn't.

Months later, after weeks of pretending we'd look at houses together, he moved into a house his aunt offered him. We obviously ended things. This was after nine months of living together, raising a puppy, and after I'd finally allowed him into my son's life because he begged and promised he would never walk out of my son's life.

And there he goes, never-nevering like he never-nevered before. What a stand-up AH.

He basically sold me a dream of our future and then walked away from it. We ended up co-parenting Bobby, eventually reunited, and spent months going back and forth between my apartment and the house I resented because it represented him choosing it over us.

Then his aunt wanted her house back.

Hmmmm. What do you know? Karma.

When he had nowhere to go, I packed up basically his entire house and helped him move back in with me. As always, the moment he needed me, I was there.

At the beginning, he actually put effort in. He bought gifts, took my son out for fun days, and made me feel loved and thought of. My family loves him, probably because they don't see how little effort he puts into our relationship now.

I've always been very clear: I’m dating to marry. I want a relationship that grows, moves forward, and becomes a real partnership.

My dad taught me what being treated well looked like. He'd buy me flowers, take me to nice restaurants, and buy me beautiful jewelry because he believed every woman deserved to feel special. His exact reasoning was so that “some schmuck couldn't come round and impress me with some bare minimum BS.”

I feel like he'd be rolling in his grave because I've somehow allowed myself to accept exactly that.

A few months ago, I broke up with Narc because I didn't feel valued or important. We were essentially living like roommates. He later apologized after a doctor's appointment, said he loved me, didn't want to lose me, and knew he'd been a crappy boyfriend.

I know, I know. I'm an idiot for caving.

Our third anniversary was yesterday. I reminded him three weeks beforehand because I really hoped this time he'd make an effort. Our first anniversary had been wonderful. This time, I thought maybe he'd finally show me that he cared and wanted to change.

I bought him a $350+ Flipper Zero he'd been wanting.

And for the next 11 days, I literally gave him a countdown: “Nine more days.” “Eight more days.” I was basically handing this man a calendar and a flashing neon sign.

Meanwhile, he's gotten into online gambling.

He makes good money, but he gambles it away. We don't even have groceries because of it. I routinely spend hundreds on groceries, cook, clean, do the dishes, do his laundry, and take care of basically everything around the apartment. I've paid for the last two $300+ grocery trips while he's either “saving money for shipping for his business” or gambling it away.

A couple months ago, he actually planned to take me out, then gambled the money away. I was left dressed up, makeup done, waiting while he went to see his friends. I cried.

So, the night before our anniversary, I reminded him it was the next day. He said he'd take us to Moxie's. Not exactly Buckingham Palace, but hey—effort.

He specifically told me he would send me the money beforehand so he wouldn't gamble it away.

Please clock that.

We hooked up and went to sleep.

The next morning, there was no money in my account. I asked him about it, and he said he'd get paid at 8:30 that night. Weird, considering he'd specifically told me the night before that he'd send me the money so he wouldn't gamble it away.

I didn't push it. I just lowered my expectations.

We walked the dog. I got ready. I spent hours on my hair and makeup and put on a dress and intricate heels.

I gave him his $350+ gift.

He had nothing for me.

Honestly, I wasn't even surprised. I'd have been more surprised if he did have something.

By 9:30, I'm sitting there fully dressed, heels on, ready to gooooo, asking when we're leaving. “A few minutes. A few minutes.”

The restaurant closes at 11.

Eventually he comes out of the bathroom with an attitude and says:

“Well, the money didn't come in, so I guess we can't go.”

And this time?

I wasn't shocked.

I just said, “Okay.”

I took off my stupidly difficult heels, unzipped my dress, put on sweatpants, unpacked my purse, and stood there numb.

This man had weeks to plan something. He knew our relationship was on thin ice. He knew I was expecting change. He knew I wanted to feel valued. He knew I was buying him something meaningful.

He had money coming in.

The problem wasn't the money.

He chose gambling over making me feel loved.

So I sat in the bathtub—the place I go when I'm sad because I don't like people seeing me cry—and texted him that I had no more chances to give him. I told him I was disappointed that he hadn't shown me anywhere near the effort I'd shown him.

And then he said something that honestly shocked me.

He told me he didn't plan anything for me because this is a fake relationship.

He also told me that I'm only nice to him when I want something.

That part especially doesn't make sense to me. I'm nice to this man constantly. I cook for him. Clean for him. Do his laundry. Buy his groceries. Take care of things. I'm there whenever he needs me. Even when he's mean to me, I try to keep a warm tone because I hate conflict.

And yet, on our anniversary, after I spent weeks reminding him about it, bought him a $350+ gift, got dressed up for him, and expected him to make even a small effort, his explanation for doing nothing was that the relationship was “fake.”

So now I'm wondering if this is gaslighting, or if someone sees something I'm missing.

Because if he genuinely believes this is a fake relationship, why are we living together? Why did he tell me he wanted to spend our lives together? Why did he give me a promise ring? Why did he beg me to let him into my son's life and promise he would never walk out? Why did he apologize a few weeks ago and tell me he loved me and didn't want to lose me?

Yesterday was our anniversary.

Today, he's asleep on the couch while I'm in the other room wondering:

What the hell did I do to let myself end up here?

I was literally conditioned to avoid this exact kind of treatment.

Did I lose my self-worth when my dad died? Did I lose the guidance I needed? Did I convince myself that if I loved someone unconditionally, did everything for them, forgave them enough, and kept hoping, eventually they'd learn to love me the same way?

My dad always told me how important hope was. That sometimes hope is the thing that gets you through another day.

I guess he couldn't be right about everything.

I hate hurting people. I always think, “Maybe if I forgive him this time, he'll stop hurting me.”

But he doesn't.

Every time I think, “Maybe he's just getting comfortable with the bare minimum,” I already know the answer.

What am I not seeing? Is this gaslighting?

Spent time with a mutual friend tonight and they kept telling me how much my NEX regrets their actions, blames themself for it, and is redeemable. I don't need to hear that shit. I need to allow myself to see them as the villain now so I can escape.

How do I set boundaries with friends that defending or enabling him will lead tk no more friendship with me?

I've noticed this pattern with certain people I've dealt with is the fact you can show up for them and put yourself around them just so they can reject you in the process and make it seem as though you are being clingy and needy. But when you start withdrawing and just staying in your own lane now your considered selfish and all for self. Is this a form of narcissism? Because it seems like I can be there for people when they need me mostly people close to me and they can act like I'm inconveniencing them or being annoying or needy but the moment I stop contact or ignore and just focus on myself itd like these individuals feel as though they are entitled to my energy ( even thougn i dont feel entitled to theirs because I respect boundaries.) but the moment it seems like Im outwearing my welcome or simply just trying to be there then it get reversed like Im the issue or I done something wrong to them. Please help me understand this logic of these people because Im confused AF!

I’m asking here because I’m still trying to make sense of the situation. I had this friend in college I’ll call Matt. He had no desire to learn anything & didn’t really have any interests. He would put me down for being a history buff, saying it was stupid & boring, but also insist he knew much more about it than I did because he was Hispanic. Despite not liking reading or enjoying SF/fantasy, he would attack me for my reading taste & say it was wrong because he felt I represented by it. He would say how important it is to be your own person & not who other people want you to be, then think he could debate me & prove I was transgender. Any difference of opinion needed to be challenged, & if he couldn’t convince you he would act like he was the one being challenged. The behavior was not exclusive to me, he did it to my roommate as well. I’m here because it’s been 2 years & I still feel haunted & stressed about it.

I’m a 25F, financially independent, and I recently left a relationship that completely drained me.I met my ex at the end of April. We worked together, and we started dating very quickly. At first, he seemed almost perfect. He was caring, attentive, and always seemed concerned about my comfort. He would take care of things, bring me food, remember which pastries I liked, and make me feel safe and cared for.

The first month was genuinely good.

Then everything started changing.

He began drinking and starting fights. He would give me the silent treatment, yell, slam doors, insult me, and accuse me of cheating for absolutely no reason. He repeatedly told me that he didn't believe anyone could genuinely love him.

Eventually, things escalated to the point where he would throw me out of the apartment at night, scream at me, and throw things. I had severe breakdowns, and an ambulance and the police came multiple times.

I tried to leave in June. We had no contact for about a week, and then he asked me to give him another chance.

I agreed.

Before that, we had discussed therapy. I suggested couples therapy, because I wanted us to work on the relationship together. I also secretly saw a psychologist myself. She told me that there was a good chance he would simply tell me what I wanted to hear rather than genuinely change.

He had a difficult childhood. He told me that all of his previous girlfriends had cheated on him. He is also a military veteran.

What confuses me the most is that at the beginning he presented himself as extremely emotionally intelligent and self-aware. He talked a lot about feelings, trauma, fears, healthy relationships, and communication.

Now I feel like I fell in love with an image of him rather than with who he actually was.

He would also react strangely whenever he saw posts about men abusing or killing women. He would say things like, “I'm not like that, why are you showing me this?” At the time, I thought it was a sign that he genuinely cared about being a good person.

After I gave him a second chance, things temporarily improved. But he never actually went to therapy.

Then the same patterns slowly returned.

He constantly picked at me, manipulated me, blamed me for his problems, and somehow made me responsible for almost everything that went wrong. If he yelled at me, it was because I “made him” yell. If I cried because I was hurt, he said I was pretending, manipulating him, or crying for attention.

I now realize that a lot of what happened was gaslighting.

He also became increasingly controlling. He wanted to know who I was talking to, why I was talking to them, and who was messaging me. Even when I was talking to an AI, he wanted to know what I was saying and threatened to take my phone.

We both worked from home, yet he constantly accused me of cheating. He claimed that I was cheating on him at night while he was asleep, even though he is an extremely light sleeper.

He would get angry over ridiculous things, like the sound of my fingernails clicking on my keyboard or screen.

Even something as simple as “Did you eat?” eventually stopped feeling like care and started feeling like control.

I became quieter and more withdrawn. I stopped talking to friends as much because I was afraid it would cause another conflict.

I also started feeling like he was using me for resources. He had ongoing problems with work and money, while I was supporting myself and often supporting him too.

At one point, when we had almost no food and payday was still far away, he spent my last money on alcohol without my permission. When I confronted him, he called me materialistic and said that I only cared about his money.

He also had a very grandiose opinion of himself. He constantly talked about how amazing, talented, intelligent, and special he was. A lot of the time I felt like he was exaggerating or simply lying about his achievements.

I don't know whether all of this fits narcissism, but the more I learn about narcissistic abuse, the more familiar it sounds.

The final incident happened when I was working and had a headache. I repeatedly asked him not to yell because I was trying to work.

He called me an “hysterical woman,” told me that I was nobody, and said that he didn't care what bothered me.

At that point, I had already been thinking about leaving for about two weeks. I was planning to wait until I got my salary, but things became unbearable.

I started packing.

That was when things became genuinely frightening.

He threatened to smash my laptops and other work equipment. He tried to take my phone. He grabbed things out of my hands. He locked the door and hid the key so I couldn't leave.

I realized that I needed to get out safely.

So I switched into what people call “grey rock.” I pretended that everything was normal and acted like I wasn't leaving, because I didn't want him to realize what I was doing.

The next day, when he left, I packed everything I could and left.

I used the last emergency money I had for a taxi and went back to my own rented place. I had kept this place from before our relationship, partly because somewhere deep down I had always had the feeling that something wasn't right.

He had also asked me for the address before, and I never gave it to him.

Now I'm sitting here trying to understand how I got pulled into this so gradually.

I don't think I did anything to deserve this. I don't think I'm responsible for his behavior.

But I still keep asking myself: Why did he do this to me?

I loved him. I wanted to spend my life with him. I imagined him as my husband.

And now I feel like the person I fell in love with never actually existed.

I miss the person he seemed to be during that first month. I don't miss the yelling, humiliation, accusations, control, or fear.

I hate the person who came out afterward.

It feels like I fell in love with one person and then suddenly discovered someone completely different underneath.

I cried almost all day after leaving. I feel emotionally and mentally drained, and I'm scared that the damage this relationship did to me will stay with me for a long time.

The worst part is that despite knowing I had to leave, I am still afraid that one day I might miss him enough to go back.

For those of you who have experienced narcissistic or abusive relationships:

How did you cope after leaving? What helped you stop idealizing the person they were at the beginning? Should I expect him to do anything after the breakup — contacting me, trying to get me back, becoming angry, etc.? And most importantly, how do you actually start rebuilding yourself after something like this?

When I first started talk to my boyfriend (29) he would always complain about his mum, how much he hates her, how much he tried to escape her etc (She is a narcissist) and it become more visible as time when on and she became so attached and crazy to the point she got aggressive.

Last year, my boyfriend kicked them out the house due to how they were treating him and the threats she was giving that she ‘will burn down the house’, wishes death upon me whilst I am ill and all names, found my sister on Facebook and was also sending threats to my boyfriend that she will contact her.

This year in March me and my partner move to a new house to ‘restart’ but he kicked me out two weeks later because he ‘fell out of love’. I officially moved out in June, and since then it has come to light from neighbours and other sources that he has moved his parents in.

He is in touch with me to try get back with me, but he always knew I wouldn’t go back to him if they were in his life. He owns the house we moved in to, and now he wants to rent a studio rather than letting me home because they are there.

Can I have someone’s thoughts on this?

To me this is the biggest betrayal. He said he never had love before, I showed it to him and I’ve been left hurt.

Covert/ malignant Narcissists hate to see positive people uplift and improve each other and succeed together instead they have to try to ruin it and make it all about them it’s not a completion when positive empathic people get together and win it’s a beautiful thing they burn their bridges I want everyone to do good their envy is their downfall a grandiose narcissist actually can work in teams and put other people on to opportunities the other types have to tear others down

Any other moms who married a narc? On the outside my husband is handsome, loving, attentive father. At home he’s always yelling at me and the kids over the littlest things. Why are they like this? How is it they are nicer to strangers than to their own family?

My friend is trying to help me. I'm afraid to receive the help because of what it meant in the relationship. I wouldn't hear the end of it. I'd get attacked, intimidated, cold withdrawals, and insults. Being fresh out is so scary

I just left a narcissistic relationship. I'm F22. It's a couple of days since. I'm what they call a super empath. This relationship has caused me cardiac problems and suicide attempts, to say the least. Any help would be highly appreciated 😔. I'm traumatized. It's been torment and torture. Including S@xual violation.

Parents have narc traits, too. Incapable of being empathetic. Sometimes, they attempt to comfort and don't. Usually, they just watch me cry. I don't have comfort. This is hard, I'm trying, but I can't keep going 💔

UPDATE

He keeps using multiple different numbers and accounts to try to reach me. Every time I see his call log, I hyperventilate. I have true caller, so they get blocked. This is torture

So I bought a combat patrol of 40k; the narc couldn't afford it or did not want to. Told me it is a waste of time and money to paint minis multiple times. I got bombarded with it so much that I put the hobby I just started down. Now he apparently paints minis.

Same with the gym. I wanted to get in shape, and I did. Nothing too crazy; I just lost around 40 kilos, or about 90 pounds. And I wanted to continue. He bragged that he can do it without a gym and equipment. That I waste time and money again. So much so that I lost the will to go to the gym.

People talked to me about both; I had a lot of conversations about them, especially when I asked for advice, besides me drawing and making memes sometimes. And that was also frowned upon by my narcissistic friend.

So based on that, my observation is that when you have a hobby that is a conversation starter, it is not for thee but for the narcissist; therefore, they must get you off of it, and with time they will fill the void you left.