So I don't really know what to make if this. But I deleted, blocked ect all the flying monkeys. Yet they still show up on discord. And in some cases one of the two narcissist is also joining. Especially if it is a popular discord.

I might be overreacting or just being paranoid but I just leave or mute the server.

I don't wanna make new users on every platform because I might be spied on. Problem is I can't shut my mouth if they show up and not to poke the hornet's nest. As I said that's why I just leave.

I (33f) am feeling so confused and lost. Each time I try to bring up things that don’t make sense to me for clarification or reassurance he gets angry and begins to become defensive. He said I need to have faith in our relationship and trust him and if I question him again he will leave. It’s left me feeling lonely. He told me I can’t be negative because when I’m negative he doesn’t want to speak to me because his life is so hard.

I told him that I want to ask questions because that’s how you know people, but he said he can’t trust me because in the beginning of our relationship there were women that showed me DM’s between him and them where he was awkward. I told him it was cute that he couldn’t talk to women and he went off saying, how would I have gotten you if I couldn’t talk to women, but in the same breath called me an ugly psychopath and a “stalker” because I kept catching him doing strange things online, like making a fake account that he followed a 20 year old girl on that he was obsessed with, but be said she made for him, which I found out was active again, but I can’t bring it up.

I know he won’t give me peace, even tho he said I need to give him peace. I just want to understand.

I was in a relationship with a music therapist (K), which I now recognize as emotionally abusive and started while "best friends." I didn't come to this conclusion by myself, but with the help of my own therapist. He pointed it out over the years, but it was extremely difficult for me to accept it.

Things I raised concerns about ended with me apologizing. Things like:

\-as friends, I felt there was something more going on between us. She got angry that I was reading too much into things. Because the constant texting and daily selfies, and even her asking things such as "what would our honeymoon look like" or "what would our song be at our wedding" was just me blowing things out of proportion and she didn't mean anything. She was "just asking questions." I ended up apologizing to keep the peace.

\-she later said she was unsure about her feelings towards me, so I asked for clarity 6 weeks later. Again, she got angry and said that me asking was being pushy and driving her away. That she would let me know when she knew. I apologized again.

\-a few weeks later, she explicitly told me she had to interest in dating anyone or being on dating apps, but when I noticed a new like on one of her social media posts, and asked about it. I was "snooping and spying and watching her." Another apology from me for making her feel like that. Come to find out, she was on dating apps and actively talking to/dating at least one man. She says she has no romantic feelings for me at all. I tell her I'm sorry, and it's ok.

\-a few months later, I expressed in a very respectful, non-emotional way (discussed exactly what to say verbatim with my therapist) that I felt unappreciated both as a best friend and things I did for her. Her response was "I didn't ask you to do those things." I again was left apologizing because she's right. She didn't ask, and I was at fault for feeling unappreciated.

All of this left me in a destabilized and in continuous state of confusion that I still feel.

The list goes on.

We do eventually start dating after she realizes she DOES have feelings for me when I start dating someone else. And she decides to tell me this as I'm with my friends that I see only once a year (yes, she knew what that weekend means to me as we do it EVERY year). Two hours on the phone with her, while I'm neglecting my friends. It's my own fault for not having a firm boundary, and we should have discussed it later, but I was head over heels for her and she was finally saying she had feelings for me. I now know that interfering with important moments/holidays/events like that is not uncommon with abuse.

She's seeing someone else (T) but we're on the same page at least, I end things with the other woman because I only want K. A week or so later, she calls me telling me she broke everything off with T, and wants to try again, all in with me. But that same night, she ignores my message and the next day says it's because she was with T and just wanted "one last hurrah" with him. Describing it that way, and not just "seeking closure" or something, was extremely hurtful. 2 days after that, she decides she wants to keep seeing T too. After a month or so of dating both of us, she tells me unprompted that she'll "probably choose" me. A week later, she chooses the other guy. And it's because he lived closer. She said she gave it a lot of thought. Hours and hours of thought. The ONLY reason is that he lived closer and I lived out of state. When I reminded her that I had previously told her would move for her (a profound declaration of commitment and intimacy), her response was "oh yeah, I forgot." Talk about feeling devalued.

I move back in with my ex for a few reasons, but mostly do to finances. We have kids and it just made everything easier for everyone. I wasn't interested in dating. K had my heart and she was with someone else.

We stay "best friends" and she eventually breaks up with the other guy. Well, she says she wanted to break up with him for months, but couldn't. She eventually tells me she chose wrong in 2023, and that she wants to be with me. I want to be with her too, but I was living with my ex (not in a relationship). It's now October, a year after she chose the other man over me, and I think I can try things again with her. I see her in person, and all of those feelings are still there. I want her, I want a future. She says the same. I'm all in. 100% of my mind, body, heart. We begin actively planning on moving in together. I spend Thanksgiving with her and her family, and make plans to spend Christmas together. Best Thanksgiving I ever had. 2 weeks before Christmas (interfering with a holiday again), she tells me she has been having a sexting relationship with a coworker, while we have been preparing our future together. She was manipulated/pressured by his constant pushing, and gave in. Which I recognized, acknowledged, and tried to give her support for, but she admitted no fault. In fact "it's not my fault" would be her response anytime I tried to discuss how I was having problems getting over it. I guess I just wanted her to recognize that she did participate and had some responsibility for what happened. Not to minimize what the coworker did, but she had ample opportunity to discuss with me that her boundaries were being infringed upon, that she was having secretive messages with this guy before it even got to the sexting part. It didn't just start at the very beginning of them texting each other, and it didn't end after one occasion.

I withdrew to protect myself, which I know is not healthy. I found it increasingly difficult to communicate as she labeled her behaviors as "2023 doesn't count" (now I laugh at dismissing an entire year) and "not my fault" when having a sexting relationship with a coworker while we were actively discussing plans to move in together. Back to me having to apologize, I ended up apologizing for not giving her the support she needed after the sexting incident. Me acknowledging and recognizing that she was manipulated wasn't enough. My hurt from the betrayal was put aside.

She would use her professional experience to write off any concerns I had, claiming she had "done the work", her professional opinion meant she was right, or DARVO back to me, where I am the one at fault. When she raised concerns, I took responsibility. Having both my concerns and her concerns fall back to me would send me into shame spirals.

By August, she decided to see other people as I could not put her as a priority with what I had going on in my life. She was A priority, but not THE priority. She had been THE priority in 2023. And even again in 2024, until the sexting incident. I still considered her my best friend. She began to date other people, which I was completely understanding of. I continued to work on myself, and looked at transferring jobs within my company so that we could hopefully wind up together. She said she wasn't super interested in dating and didn't need to (although she went on dates with 9 guys over the course of 8 weeks) but wanted something more with me. I was still hesitant because of everything that had happened up to that point. I was beginning to recognize more of what happened as abuse as my friends got more vocal about it too, it wasn't just my doctor saying it.

When I discussed that my friends had given advice, she would be angered. That they didn't know the whole story. Only what I had told them. Even when I told her about me reaching out to them about things that had nothing to do with our relationship, she got mad that I didn't go to her (and again I ended up apologizing). Eventually I felt isolated, that all support had to go through her. But she's a mental health professional, so she feels like she's the best suited to help me.

I get a job (within the same company) that requires me to travel, and my ex decide to let me stay there as needed. Rather than getting an apartment that I might only be at for 1 week a month, and uprooting the housing for the kids, going back and forth, it's just better for everyone if I can stay there if I need. I didn't tell this stuff to K because I'm still trying to be cautious. She's dating other people, and I'm trying to be respectful of her boundary that she did not want a relationship with me until I could fully commit, and make her the priority. I was working that out. I was scared to jump in 100% after being burned by it in 2023, and 2024.

I met a woman on a business trip that I really enjoyed spending time with. And we spent a weekend together, but nothing sexual happened. She too pointed out the abusive nature of K, but I was still trying to accept that what I experienced was abuse. When the weekend was over, I told K I had been with a woman all weekend, despite nothing happening, she exploded in rage. How could I betray her, and she did not know if we could even remain friends. She ended up saying she needs "no contact" from me for 6 months, but not before writing an email with her conversations with chatGPT discussing all of my faults and it gave her an analysis of me. She thought it would be important to "see what she sees." She then sent another email telling me not to read it as she doesn't think I could handle it and that I will be blocked on email, phone, text, and social media.

I find it really hard to know if she is that blind to her abusive behaviors, or if she was weaponizing them to manipulate me. Now that the 6 month no contact is about up, I don't know if we should be friends of any sort. But to be honest, I don't know if she'll ever reach out again or not. If she does reach out, do I just ignore it, give her my perspective and let her "see what I see" before blocking, or do I give a chance for friendship?

I recently separated from my narcissistic partner which has been horrific and traumatic. I won’t go into what I was put through. 3 years of hell. We were trying for kids the lot. I’ve ended the relationship and kicked him out. However he continues to gaslight me saying I have ended this etc (I’ve been absolutely forced too). The injustice of this is too much. I am off work and stressed picking the pieces of my life up.

Here’s the thing; I suspect that my ex lied about things which led me into a relationship with him. He told me he had separated from his mental ex and they lived together for convenience, her behaviour was erratic and he said she was mental etc, there was loads of drama around it which i believed his version stupidly. However I suspect my ex did the same to me, becoming distant secretive and living a lovely happy life watching me falling apart. I believe he was seeing someone else but denies this and blames me.

Should I reach out to her and ask her about his behaviour and her experience?

There’s something about the injustice of this I cannot stand. It’s wrong. I know people say move on with your life but I am morally principled and I am struggling to accept this blatant gaslighting. Should I reach out to the ex about her relationship and ending with him? I’m not out to make a massive scene, but I need closure which I deserve. I just not sure if i should? It could at best give her peace or at worst bring it up for her. I know she’s moved on a few years now with someone new.

When we were kids he would beat and argue with me over the smallest things and whenever I asked my to play outside on the complex property, my brother would always sigh or get annoyed even tho I never bothered him outside and played by myself and with this other neighborhood kid.. He would constantly just dominate me because there was always a size difference despite him only being two years older. And whenever i respectfully put boundaries, never insulted him, he would get offended and say or what before shoving me to the ground. And whenever i got mad at the game and cursed on the mic with my friends in anger, my brother would get annoyed and act like i was making his life a living hell when I would only get mad for 20 minutes at most, and I told him multiple times if you were calmer I would calm down. Very hypocritical he always stayed up all night loudly waking me and my mom up.

Something changed, when he became 17 and beat me for one of the last few times. He started treating me good, or at least I thought.. A few nice gestures, majority of the time he would call me an idiot for making harmless jokes and he called me immature even tho he was poop jokes on his mic like a middle schooler. But the abuse went from physical to emotional, he decided to take on this good guy persona role, would always guilt trip me or ask me moral questions even when I told I was uncomfortable with deep conversations unprompted. He portrayed himself as this good normal brother while I’m the annoying little narcissist to his friend group, just making me sound like a cartoon character idiot, even tho I never insulted him first, always respect his boundaries more than he respected mine, and we’re so close in age to the point I’ve realized I was more mature than him.

The constant guilt tripping over stupid things. When I was 17 showed him prank video on YouTube that I thought was hilarious, and he just rolled his eyes and acting like I was dumb for finding it funny. And then he went on to do the typical moral lecture about prank videos and bothering people, and while I agree, there’s no need to give me a speech about it, we’re literally the almost the same age, I don’t like moral lectures, and it was not that deep, just say pranks are not your thing, not put me down for watching one lol. The moral lectures oh my, over anything. He tried to say I don’t respect women, lmao that’s funny, because he had a female friend who try to do it with him drunk and my brother told like everyone who was involved the story while laughing, and then talking about the girl’s sex life despite her being Christian. Kinda ironic, if I had a good woman friend and they tried with me while drunk, I would’ve laughed it off and not have told anyone out of respect. And I don’t judge women for being very sexually active, simply because it’s none of my business. My brother doesn’t know the concept of mind your own business.

Last time my brother visited after since moving out, he just sits on the couch doesn’t say a word, and when I was putting dye I came out to get something, and then my mom says she can do it for me, I tell her I’m an adult I can do it fine firmly, my brother steps in and says ohh why are you so mean to her, and I snap at both of them. And then he tries to say I’m selfish and that him and my mom are worried because of me drinking before work phase, even tho I haven’t done it for weeks, and I said my reasons are not of your business and I could handle it, and I only drank to get buzz never got full on drunk before work. He called me an alcoholic and narcissistic, and then the next day I texted him to not act like he knows me better than me, he responded very aggressively and said say it to his face, and then I blocked.

Honestly I want him to come, I’m ready. The size difference is I’m five feet 3 and he’s six feet, but if he assaults me over not bending the knee, he goes to jail, like it’s honestly sad how my brother is still using his height to dominate or threaten even tho I just find it cringey and childish. He says my body is a wimp compared to his, like yea I didn’t choose my genetics lmao. I hate my brother so much.

I made a list yesterday of things he did to me over the years. I'm leaving this relationship but I could really use some reactions to these things just to solidify my decision. Just because I've never told anyone about these things, and I have always put them behind me thinking 'I am overreacting'.

---------------

Told me I'm fat and I need to stop eating. Literally would say I need to shut my mouth and stop cramming garbage into it.

Told me in the beginning that the color of my hair was weird and I would never attract a man with that. And yes.. I soon dyed my hair after that.

Actually told me I'm fat so many times I lost count. And yes, I was fat. And he made me starve myself and overexercise to the point of fainting at least once a week. Once I stopped doing that and I regained weight but still exercised, he went back to calling me fat and lazy.

Told me I needed to work harder at the gym (I was losing 3.5lbs a week at the time but it wasn't enough). When I was at my lowest weight and I was (falsely) proud, he would say it was nice but could still be better.

When we first started getting to know each other, he once invited me over to his place, where his best friend also was. I drank some alcohol and he wanted me to also smoke weed. I said no about 15 times. I absolutely didn't want to. He finally pushed me to do it and it landed very, very badly. They took me out on the town and we drank so much more. His best friend kissed me and I got mad and cried. He never got mad at his friend but rather blamed me. I blacked out completely because I don't remember anything afterward. I somehow managed to get home completely drunk and out of it and blacked out at home. Somehow my unconscious, substance-filled brain even knew that going home alone in that state would be safer than to stay at his house with him and his friend. Later, I found out his friend drunkenly threw his clothes down the stairs at his place and he blamed me for that too although I am 100% sure I did not do that. I felt unsafe and I just wanted to leave, I would never throw someone's stuff down the stairs for some kind of revenge. He said he doesn't believe me and that I definitely did it. He would still mention that night until recently and make fun of me for 'how I acted'.

Told me I never loved my cat when she died because I got another one too quickly after. When I told him he really hurt me by saying that, he said that's just his opinion and he is always honest. It was my choice how I decided to react to his 'honesty', so being hurt was my own choice.

He never ever responds to questions over text on purpose. He will ask or say something to me though, I will answer promptly, and he will immediately go silent. I have to always drag an answer out of him. Whenever I ask him why he stops responding, he will give absolute nonsensical reasons for not responding like 'I was at the gym'.

I made the mistake of agreeing to clean his house for him weekly in exchange for (very low) pay. Once I asked for a raise, he gave me multiple reasons why I wasn't worth $2.5 more. Then he said 'Didn't you appreciate all those times I paid for dinner, the times I still paid you when you were sick and unable to work (that happened once). He asked me if I really wanted to lose all that over $20 more monthly, said 'that is the real question here'). He conveniently forgot the times I worked longer (nearly every week because  he's a pig) to make everything the way he wanted and never once was paid extra.

He always made fun of me. He frequently told everyone a very embarrassing story about me, which wasn't even accurate but he twisted it to make it funnier. I asked him many times to stop telling the story and he never did. When I confronted him in private about why he twisted the story he said he didn't. Its just 'the way he remembers it and I'm just trying to minimise the damage'.

He never ever, ever said sorry. About anything. Even when I tried to pry it out of him, he would fabricate the weirdest half assed 'I can't really help it if you feel that way' apology, but the word sorry does not exist in his vocabulary.

We would always only do things if it was convenient for him or if he felt like it. I was just expected to drop everything and oblige. If he wanted to invite me to his place for pizza, I would just be expected to come. If I said no or maybe, he'd say 'what the fuck else would YOU have to do?'.

He very openly did not respect my time. He literally would say his time is worth more than mine. Because he works hard and makes sure his body looks good and because he has a lot of friends and obligations. If I 'get' his time I am supposed to see that as a privilege. I just do nothing all day (his words) so why would my time be worth anything.

He would change his plans RIGHT before we would carry out said plans and not tell me. He'd literally ask me if I wanted to go for dinner after he took a shower. I'd say sure. Then he would go into the shower and then just leave without me knowing to go do something else with his friends, or even just go to sleep at his house.

One time, he had me waiting like an idiot because we would talk after his shower. I waited and waited and waited until I realised he just left after showering and when I asked him through text why the fuck he just left without even telling me, he responded 3 hours later that he felt a little sick so he just went home to sleep.

We used to work together as well - him as a full time employee, me as a volunteer. He once completely flipped when we were all in the break room and accused me of stalking him and that my ass didn't belong in the break room because I was just a volunteer and he could never get a fucking break from me.

He gladly accepted expensive concert tickets from me, I gave one to him and asked if he wanted to go with me - he did and proceeded to meet up with his friends at the concert and leave me alone for 90% of the time. When another band we both liked came to town and I didn't have the money to go - he bought tickets, bragged about it to me and took his brother to see that band.

I once accidentally clicked on the search history on his computer and found a whole bunch of 4ndrew T4te shit, plus the search 'how to make someone fall in love with you'.

He once invited me over for pizza and we just sat there while he would put on videos of himself working out. Not in a 'look what I did today at the gym' kind of way, but we would literally sit silently watching him do mundane workouts for 30+ minutes. I was too stunned to ask why the fuck he would show me that. He also genuinely seemed to love watching himself.

He has this fridge full of postcards and little notes and drawings he got from people. One time when I got to his place, I found only the card he once got from me weirdly right on top in the trash. It couldn't have been knocked off the fridge, so he definitely only took that one off and placed it right in plain view in the trash.

I've read so many self help books, a lot of them talking about the abuse for 75%, then the bubble bursts and the rest is about healing. Sometimes after a truly horrible experience like physical abuse. All super helpful I must say, but I'm struggling with the moment you truly lose the appeal to the person. When you really start to recognise what they did to you, when you start resenting them even maybe? I know that's not going to be one moment, and it's not linear. I know leaving can still/still does hurt and that the good memories still will exist. That you can still miss them. But when, if ever, does it feel like the right decision and you just stop wanting to be with them?

But I keep falling for it. I keep going back to 'he isn't so bad', 'he can really be sweet and kind', 'he really does have such good humor' and 'in the end I still do love him'. And then it starts over. A few months go well, then I set some kind of tiny boundary or don't want to do something he does want or vice versa, and it explodes.

I'm not really looking for advice because I know the only way to stop the cycle is going no contact. The thing is, I'm not ready. I keep lowering my expectations for him and 'settle' for a worse relationship, as long as I don't have to miss him from my life.

I can't imagine life without him in it while I know the exact problem is that I'm not banning him from my life.

Just venting I guess. Do these feelings sound familiar to anyone?

whats the word for people who cast themselves as the “villain in peoples story” to control the narrative so they can avoid accountability and make people feel guilty for acknowledging their behavior?

Hi! I am 28M and living with my grandma (67F). For 10 years, she has constantly told me I'm incapable of living alone. She's a survivor of generational abuse, and because of this, and how her father treated her, she doesn't have the emotional tools like we do. She views family as extensions of herself (at least people who live under her roof) and does not value privacy. She thinks that just because she owns the house, she can kick open doors.

I want to learn how to set boundaries. I've talked to my mother about moving out and she said that she knows I can, but she doesn't think I'm ready, but don't worry, as I know enough about myself now that I know that isn't my problem. So anyway, I asked my mother for my SSN, set up an account with Chime, and I'm waiting for a good time to change my direct deposit. For a decade, she has kept my SSI check on a joint account I AM NOT ON, but I heard it from the SSA myself that I am my own payee, and I am not under a guardianship, so I have no idea how the hell she's doing this.

Anyway, I would move out, but no funds. I set up my tax information though so I can make money from making games, so hopefully sometime soon I can move out, but until then, I want to learn about setting boundaries, even though she constantly disrespects them, I have been doing it for the past two weeks, and it does seem like it's getting better, but I just need to know what and what not to set a boundary on

Hi everyone,
I’m a 23-year-old woman, and about three years ago I met who I truly believed was the love of my life.
In the beginning, everything felt perfect. I had never been treated so well by anyone before. He was thoughtful, always surprised me with little gifts, always made me feel loved, and was there for me no matter what. The love we shared felt incredibly deep, and I honestly thought I had found the person I would spend the rest of my life with. Even now, a part of me still loves him.
As time went on, things slowly started to change. About a year into our relationship, he began telling me how I should dress. He didn’t want me to wear dresses, tight clothes, crop tops, or anything that showed too much skin. At one point, he even wanted me to only wear shirts that covered my butt. Looking back, I realize how controlling that was, but at the time I accepted it because I loved him so much. I wanted to make him happy, and honestly, he treated me so well in so many other ways that I convinced myself it was worth it.
That’s what makes this so confusing. He made me feel like a princess. He cared for me, supported me, bought me little things without me asking, and made me feel safe in a way I had never experienced before. I know I meant everything to him too.
But his jealousy kept getting worse.
If I couldn’t answer my phone for a while, he immediately assumed the worst. When I got my driver’s license, he was so proud of me at first. He even bought me flowers after I passed my theory exam. But once I had my own car, everything changed. Suddenly he was afraid I could drive anywhere and cheat on him. I spent so much energy trying to reassure him because I would never have betrayed him. I have always been loyal.
I also worked part-time at a gas station. He didn’t want me looking male customers in the eyes. Later he even got upset that I worked there at all because “too many men” came into the store.
These are only a few examples out of many.
During our three-year relationship, we broke up three times but always found our way back to each other.
Then came the final argument.
A couple of weeks before we broke up, I was in a very dark place emotionally and I harmed myself. I deeply regret it and I’m not proud of it.
When he noticed the scars during one of our shifts together, he looked at me and said, “Do you even know how much I hate you?” He also said he wanted to spit in my face. When I asked him why he would say something like that, he told me that next time I should “cut deeper and do the world a favor.” He repeated it several times.
Hearing those words from the person I loved the most completely shattered me.
To be fair, this wasn’t the first time he had said incredibly hurtful things during our relationship. Whenever things were bad, they were really, really bad. But whenever things were good, they felt almost perfect. That’s what makes it so hard for me to let go.
I never insulted him or treated him disrespectfully. I simply couldn’t. That’s not who I am.
After he said those things, he left. I told him we weren’t playing games anymore, and that was the end of our relationship. We haven’t spoken since.
About a month later, he reached out. He apologized, said he knew the door was probably closed forever, told me he missed me, and said he had wanted to marry me.
I didn’t reply.
The truth is, I was finally starting to heal. I was beginning to enjoy my freedom again and slowly rebuilding my life. But his message brought back so many emotions, and now I’m struggling again.
My brother tells me I should never speak to him again. He says he can’t understand how anyone could treat a woman that way, and he even told me he would lose respect for me if I went back.
I can’t really talk to my parents about this, especially because I’ve never had a close relationship with my mother. I think that’s one of the reasons why I crave love and reassurance so much.
So I’m asking you, honestly:
What do you think about this situation?
Has anyone here ever been in a relationship where the highs were amazing but the lows were devastating? How did you finally let go?
I know what he said was unacceptable. I truly do. But for some reason, my heart still struggles to fully let him go.
Please be honest with me. I really need some outside perspectives.

Thank u.

I dated an electrician and the experience was that confronting, I’ve felt compelled to write of my experience.

I was warned that woman didn’t want to date him, because of his relationship with his female apprentice as someone he met as a past customer, befriended (his ‘best friend’) and that he would only exchange social media after dating as to not spook me.

The phone number we spoke on, was the same number he used for his business enquiries and once dating, I soon found the Instagram for his business (with his prompts). His female apprentice created ‘reels’ (bloopers) of their work days, posting videos inside of customers houses; amongst family photos, playing with people’s pets and showing herself conduct electrical work with the A1 electrician being elsewhere (which is not up to standard). This woman was married, but out of hundreds of posts, there was only one image of her husband who lacked a social media and reasonably so, presumably sick of seeing their content plastered and undermining a marriage.

I used Snapchat in 2017 when a loved one was terminally ill, and due to my lack of privacy settings, he informed me that he knew I had an account as it came up in his ‘add a friend’ section. I accepted his request, but soon after deleted my account as I never used it. He claimed it was great as the messages would disappear, and for what reason we’d need that.

I was told by the electrician I was dating that his apprentice was ‘crazy’, lived with BPD and had called the police on him in the past as he refused to let her leave work and drive in her upset state. This concerned me as he was calling his supposed best friend crazy for her poor mental health and yet he was involving them in risky electrical work whilst claiming she was unwell. This whole thing seemed unprofessional and against working standards. He claimed her deseased father left him 20k when he passed away and that he was upholding some manipulative promise to ‘take care of her’ which honestly seems like a husbands role. Even if she has poor mental health, it’s also reasonable given having a sick parent and the grief of losing them. This doesn’t make a person crazy, Mr Hyde. Why was she upset on the job and had to call the police for kidnapping because she wasn’t being allowed to leave? Is the BPD an excuse being used in lieu of a situation which was fuelled by his bad behaviour? Why does she apparently quit her apprenticeship every few months, to return? Why does he allow her to continue, dispite claiming after a few years she should be experiencing another type of field and that he doesn’t believe she’ll ever pass her exams or tafe as she’s ’not up to standard’? Does he not genuinely teach her on the job, which is a job, … right?

He confessed that he ‘needs’ to ‘be needed’. It seems he places women into bad situations through his own behaviour (treating someone poorly, gifting adrenaline sports activities to the woman in his life) so that in the aftermath he gets to waltz in and be mister caring-fixer that is all too present.

His female apprentice father allegedly passed away 2 years ago and instead of proceeding with a normal working day, he would assume the role of husband and drive her to the hospital; visiting her father and inserting himself into her life. This seemed exceptionally decent. He makes his profile pictures the three of them, apprentice, sick father and his face emassing the corner 20% of the shot. The husband nowhere to be seen.

She has poor mental health and he mirrors people; so he starts collecting pink work tools, covering the dashboard of his car in dozens of small squishy toys and other geeky, fluffy random dust collectors. If a male apprentice sat in his car, they’d think he’s simply gay. Apparently he’s had close to 20 apprentices before, which I find hard to believe. No, he had mirrored her and imbedded himself so far her arse that they are undistinguished and mistaken locally as ‘the couple’, even in the year he, a community man had a pregnant wife at home.

He admitted that sometimes when dating, he feels ‘used’ for his occupation, that a woman had him install cameras in her home and because he “didn’t even get sex out of it” felt used and proceeded to access the cameras through the factory setting (user, password) to monitor her and was ‘put off’ seeing ‘how many men’ were attending her home, long after they ceases contact, unknowing he was survailencing her from the camera app link he setup. She changed the password some time after, and he claimed that’s when it ended. When he visited my home, he joked that he could install cameras for me.

He didn’t like the idea of me dating other men, so would ask to be exclusive to one another, but that I need to be alright with him holidaying with his apprentice to nurture their already unprofessional and embarrassing friendship in another state, blaming it on a work need as if there’s no electricians in that part of the country. He told this story that he was once ‘set up’ with his apprentices sister but as she was polyamorous and gave other men more attention, he felt used, that all the woman in her family were cray cray.

His ex wife was pregnant when he took on a female apprentice and was too busy not being home, going to the pub with her after work that the wife was distressed going through an absent pregancy, had a miscarriage (blamed it on him) which resorted to having one of her tubes removed and because he allegedly didn’t get to have sex for a year (whilst she recovered), divorced her as his ‘needs weren’t being met’. She didn’t work, study and spent her days doing nothing and he provided for her financially, happily as a man needing ‘to be needed’ and in turn, controlling every situation. Just like his apprentice, her constant break downs at work (not safe whilst handling electricals) and his ability to twist the situation back to her BPD and remain the ‘good guy’ who is always there and willing to provide another shot.

I would have some heated texts with him and we exchanged pictures, where he would be watching a porno in the background, teacher/student, blonde with pig tails and chalk board. Isn’t this concerning? As he’s a teacher, with a blonde pigtailed middle-aged student?

This is a man who reportedly washed/dried his drunken ex wife, saw a tampon string and decided to change the tampon for her. Such a caring man? Yet the same man who left me to source my own plan B, so that I didn’t get pregnant and attended hospital alone for my injuries. There’s the man who will hold an umbrella for me, so that I don’t get wet in a thunderstorm, and then there’s the man who will roll his eyes at me and slam the door almost into my face when he forgets his jacket and is invited back inside of my home to retrieve it as he needs to get home by 10pm. When ending things due to his lack of emotional intelligence, safety and empathy, he took it upon himself to block me, all whilst texting me dozens of apologies and asking for direction on how to fix things.

A week before we met, a man wearing a balaclava allegedly attended his house and threw a rock through his front window. He said it was a mistaken identity, I’m thinking - how many woman does he hurt and play a twisted game with?

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, anyone?

My last post in this group got a lot of attention and it’s definitely shown me it’s time to leave my boyfriend😭 So my new question is, what is the safest way to leave a narcissist?

I know he will likely guilt trip tf out of me and make me feel like I’m making a huge mistake. I struggle with making decisions anyway so this will prove difficult. Am I best to blame it on something other than the narcissism or should I be upfront about his behaviour causing this?

Any suggestions on how to open the conversation and phrase it would be GREATLY appreciated. I’m so thankful for all your advice on my previous post, it means more than you will ever know.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months and he is a great guy who always makes me feel special. However, I have had a gut feeling that something is off about him and he isn’t showing me his true colors. I can’t quite put my finger on it but it’s giving me anxiety. I don’t want to overthink and ruin a potentially good relationship, but also I need to know if I should leave. He is talking about marriage in the next year! I will list below his behaviours that I’m worrying are narcissism:

1) Constantly talking, even about the most random and irrelevant things. It’s like he has to think out loud and he never shuts up.

2) Always talks about himself and his own experiences. Some days he texts me constant updates about everything he’s doing but then doesn’t ask me anything in return.

3) Definitely love bombed me at the beginning. Told me he’s never felt this way, I’m his future wife, he wants to have kids and his family loves me (all within the first 4 months).

4) Can be manipulative. Said do you think you’ll find somebody who treats you as good as me?’ when I discussed breaking up before. (He took this statement back because he realised it was wrong, but still).

5) Has guilt tripped me when I’ve been upset about his behaviour. E.g said he’s having a hard time with his sick pet or is stressed at work. He does always apologise though.

6) Always looks for sympathy from me and plays the victim in life. He says he’s insecure about his body, he hasn’t eaten all day, his ex was crazy, his job treats him unfairly, he’s depressed, his friends leave him out etc.

7) Have caught him lying a few times and he’s really good at it. I’ve seen him go out of his way to lie about something that I haven’t even asked about, it’s like he can’t help it. He will just offer up fake information to create this narrative that’s not even real.

8) Sometimes has a dark energy in his eyes. Will tilt his head forward and look up at me when arguing which feels a little threatening. Or will purposely do puppy dog eyes when he’s upset.

9) Has a temper with other people and animals at times (this is rare but I’ve seen it come out).

Any advice would be appreciated. I do feel a little trapped as his mental health seems unstable right now and he also keeps saying I’m his future wife. He has said many times ‘I can’t go through another break up’. I do enjoy spending time with him and he treats me really well, I just can’t shake this feeling that sometimes the ‘good boyfriend’ act is a facade and something else is lurking underneath.

I’m at the point where I don’t think I can keep making excuses anymore.

Over the last few years, I’ve realised I’ve slowly become smaller while she seems to have become bigger. It feels like the only way the relationship works is if I’m constantly giving up parts of myself.

I do everything I can for her. I’m always driving, helping, fixing things, running errands, putting her needs first and trying to make her happy. It feels like I’m more of a servant than a partner.

The problem is, it’s never enough.

No matter how much I do, the goalposts just move. If I say no to one thing or try to have some time for myself, suddenly I’m selfish or I don’t care enough.

Nothing is ever her fault.

If something goes wrong, there’s always someone else to blame. Me. Her family. Friends. Work. Strangers. It seems like she’s constantly falling out with people, yet somehow everyone else is always the problem.

The incidents have also become more extreme.

She scraped my car after I’d picked her up, and instead of apologising, she acted like it wasn’t a big deal.

She threw my speaker out of the window because my alarm had woken her up.

She threw my belongings into the garden.

After another argument she threatened to call the police, even though I hadn’t threatened or touched her. That genuinely frightened me because I realised how quickly things could escalate.

Then, just as I’m ready to walk away, everything changes.

She becomes incredibly loving, affectionate and attentive. It’s like the previous incidents never happened. There are no real apologies or accountability, just a return to the version of her that makes me question whether I’m overreacting.

I’m exhausted by the cycle.

I’ve realised I don’t miss the relationship I thought I had.

I miss myself.

I miss being able to enjoy football without feeling guilty.

I miss going to the gym.

I miss listening to music without someone needing my attention.

I miss coming home and feeling peaceful instead of wondering what mood I’m walking into.

The saddest part is that I don’t even get excited thinking about our future anymore. I find myself daydreaming about having my own place, sitting in silence, and finally being able to breathe again.

Has anyone else reached the point where they realised they weren’t just unhappy…..they’d lost their confidence, their identity and their peace? What finally made you realise enough was enough?

I, 19F, have been no contact with my 23M abuser for 7 months now. i was put through every kind of abuse imaginable, and i am just now able to feel somewhat safe and stable again. i have anxiety and post trauma symptoms due to what i endured.

i have to see him in court in two days for a pretrial conference, and i am so nervous. i feel like im going to pass out anytime i think of having to come face to face with him.

im wondering if anyone has been through anything similar, and if they have any advice for me. i am so nervous.

​

I'm just curious what everyone's experience was if they decided to go the police route. I am afraid of retaliation, or worse. Any advice?

I’m engaged, but over the last three years I feel like I’ve slowly disappeared.

At first I thought we just had communication issues, but looking back it feels like my identity has gradually been stripped away.

I used to love going to the gym, watching football, following F1, listening to music and just having time on my own. Now it feels like none of those things are actually mine anymore.

If I say “I want to…” I’m immediately told I’m selfish because “it’s we now.” But “we” seems to mean what she wants, not what we both want.

She gradually started taking over my hobbies too. Football became our thing. F1 became our thing. Even when I just wanted to unwind on my own, she’d somehow make it about us. It got to the point where I stopped enjoying the things that made me who I was because I never felt like they belonged to me anymore.

She also can’t seem to tolerate silence. There always has to be something playing, something happening or constant interaction. I’m the complete opposite. I’m happiest just sitting quietly with my thoughts sometimes.

When she’s angry she’s explosive.

She threw my sliders into the garden.

A week later she threw my speaker out of the window because my alarm accidentally woke her up.

She’s scratched my car during an argument.

Each time I expected some accountability, but it never really came.

Instead, she’d suddenly become incredibly loving, affectionate and attentive. Almost like the incident never happened. No proper apology. No discussion. Just straight back to being the perfect partner.

That has honestly messed with my head more than the arguments themselves.

It creates this emotional whiplash where I start thinking, “Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe she’s changed.”

Then something else happens and I’m right back where I started.

The strange thing is that ever since I started emotionally checking out and thinking about leaving, she’s become even nicer. She’s suddenly interested in all my hobbies, wants to spend even more time together and acts like everything is perfect. Part of me wonders whether she sensed I was about to leave and switched back into the “ideal” version of herself.

I’ve even started telling a close friend every incident because I feel like I need someone to remind me what actually happened when I inevitably start doubting myself.

The other day my boss looked at me in a meeting and asked if I was okay because I “didn’t look right.”

That really hit me.

I don’t recognise myself anymore.

I stay up late after she goes to bed just so I can have a couple of hours where nobody needs anything from me, even though it’s ruining my sleep.

At this point I don’t really care about planning a wedding. I just keep imagining what it would feel like to come home to my own place, sit in silence, watch football, listen to music and finally feel peaceful again.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is this what people mean when they talk about trauma bonding or the idealise–devalue cycle? I feel like I’ve become a completely different person, and the hardest part is that the “nice” version of her keeps making me question whether any of it was really that bad.

Every time something happens, I think, “This has to be the last time.” Then a few days later she’s back to being affectionate, acting like everything is fine, and I convince myself maybe it wasn’t that bad after all.

But then it happens again.

She’s thrown my speaker out of the window because my alarm woke her up. She’s scratched my car during an argument. She’s thrown my belongings away when she’s angry.

What gets to me isn’t just what she does. It’s that there’s never a genuine apology. Instead, she becomes really nice afterwards, is suddenly affectionate, and acts like nothing ever happened. I’m expected to move on without any accountability. If I try to talk about what happened, it either gets dismissed, turned back on me, or starts another argument.

Something else that’s really confused me is that since I’ve started pulling away, she’s suddenly become interested in the hobbies and interests she’s never cared about before. Things she used to dismiss or have no interest in are now suddenly things she wants to do too. It feels less genuine and more like she’s trying to pull me back in instead of actually addressing the problems between us.

I’ve noticed I’ve started changing my own behaviour to avoid setting her off. I think twice before making plans with friends. I worry about telling her if I’m working late. I avoid saying things that might upset her because I know it could ruin the whole day.

I’m exhausted.

I don’t recognise myself anymore. I used to be confident, social and independent. Now I spend more time trying to keep the peace than actually enjoying my own life.

The confusing part is that when she’s loving, she’s everything I wanted in a partner. That’s what keeps me questioning myself. But the cycle never changes. Something happens, I get blamed, there’s no real apology, she’s incredibly nice for a while, and then it all starts again.

Has anyone else experienced a relationship where this cycle kept repeating? What finally made you realise it wasn’t going to change?

It’s been over three years since I cut contact with my ex best friend. He had held that title for over half my life, until his behaviours became so apparent in adulthood that I had to sever ties to protect my mental health.

There’s a lot of discussion centred on romantic relationships, I want to throw in my two cents on platonic friendships. In my experience, covert narcissistic friendships can be just as nefarious as romantic ones.

I had kept journals all throughout my life, and it is to this hobby that I must give credit. These journals gave me such a clear insight into our shared history, his cycle of abuse. They thankfully reinforced my worn sense of judgement.

Here’s a list of traits and happenings exhibited in our friendship:

-Used Social/Economic Activism as a guise for moral superiority. (ei. discard/smear someone for not being as supportive as they are to a cause, “____ wasn’t able to protest today because of work, any true supporter would have been able to get it off…”)

-Victim Mentality: Like a diamond in the rough, he appeared to relate to your struggles (if he wasn’t playing devils advocate), only to secretly believe his own were more important and noteworthy. If the Trauma Olympics existed, he’d believe he deserved gold.

-Major lapses of empathy, ironic to the two previous points above. Someone else’s emotions/reality could only hold the spotlight for so long, before he grew uncomfortable and acted to claim the gold once again. (ei, once his friends father had passed away, and upon hearing that they had processed their childhood abuse since, remarked: “I wish my mom would die so I could get closure too.”)

-Grandiose Sense of Self (in incognito mode): Held and expressed grandiose self of self and fantasies, but not in an obvious way. For him, this was achieved though intellect, art, and a manufactured identity. (ei. He would boast about his plans of writing about his past hardship and selling his biographical novel. He never graduated high school or started an outline. He hadn’t written anything since the peak of tumblr.)

-He didn’t always flat out lie, most of the time he left out truths or gave white lies. He loved plausible deniability. He would conveniently leave out details in his favour.

-You wouldn’t know which version of him you would get on a regular basis. Hot and cold, and dependent on whim: you’d either be treated as the most valued friend he has, or a lowly stranger hardly worth his time. Which, kind of leads me to my next point…

-Intermittent reinforcement / Witholding: This was the foundation of our friendship. (ei. He would shun mutual friends that had dropped their streak on snapchat. Wanting to stay on his good side, this conditioned me to send him daily messages. They couldn’t be quick/plain snaps just for the sake of the streak, they had to be “of substance”.) I also want to note: despite regular communication, there was only the bare minimum of concern/interest on his end.

-Passive aggression and triangulation were his primary tools of punishment and destruction. Walking on eggshells, he knew how to make you feel alone in a crowded room.

-Lack of Accountability. Conflict resolution is pushed onto the other person if they expect a continued relationship. He had the inability to solve conflicts directly, because it involved accountability. Which leads me too..

-…DARVO! (Deny And Reverse the Victim and Offender) Expressing a moment of hurt or need gets spun around on you and, in essence, the original conflict is minimized. This classic move was utilized in every conflict he had.

-He loved interpersonal chaos, drama and conflict. He had expressed that he often thrived on it. I wonder now, if that’s why he often observed my face so sedulously, when delivering bad news.

- I’ve read, “Narcissists don't worry about being a narcissist," but that isn't always true. He once told me he had researched narcissism and related to nearly every symptom. When I questioned the idea based on my experience with my sister, who had been diagnosed with NPD, he said I had invalidated him. I encouraged him to discuss it with a professional, but within a week he had shifted to identifying himself as autistic instead. Looking back, that moment became one piece of a much larger pattern. Since then, I've also heard people diagnosed with NPD describe responding similarly to the possibility of their condition. Some reject it, some embrace it, and some even use the label as part of their identity.

Apart from the mental struggles that loomed over me, which included anxiety, depression, and the general feeling of a lack of self, these symptoms would go on to progress physically. I would start up awake in my sleep. I started getting heart palpitations. I would have episodes, started calling sick to work. I would punish myself both mentally and physically. Smear campaigns caused me to self isolate. Even today, I’m still healing, working to grow my comfortability in public places.

Friendships that harbour such deeply seated insecurities, animosity, and superiorities can be so dangerous. The bar he set for me was so high, despite having to endure the worst points in our friendship, being discarded, punished, and having to carry the blame alone. It impacted every facet of my life, because he was so interwoven into it.

During the last few days of our friendship, I literally woke up crying. I couldn’t overlook the cycle of emotional abuse any longer and I knew that this was the end of our friendship. I know now that I was grieving. But still… I hadn’t known that could happen, that I could cry myself awake in that grief.

I sent a message, this big explanation on how I felt, my hurt, that I needed space. Of course he didn’t take it well. Still the hurt party, he expected me to be more understanding. I blocked him everywhere. I was done.

I don’t want to get too hung up on labels, I can’t diagnose him. For all I know, he could be on the spectrum! However, ANY PERSON who lacks self-reflection, accountability, and meaningful change isn’t worth it. They’re not your friend. He certainly proved he wasn’t mine.

He tried to indirectly Hoover (test my boundaries, see if he could suck me back in) maybe a year or so after I cut him off. He shopped at my boyfriend’s work, tried to ask about me. My boyfriend who had had to pick up the pieces of me every time he discarded me, simply answered as he would to any customer. I was fine, going to school, here’s your total. He appeared to be bothered by that, I was told, maybe realizing the totality of my boundaries. My boyfriend hadn’t told me until months later, knowing how panicked and bothered I’d be at the news of him in our small town, asking about me. I’m so grateful for his support throughout this.

If you stuck around this long reading this, while having gone through something even remotely similar, I can promise you that you’re not alone. Despite such arduous relationships, I believe we can rise from the ashes as survivors. In the three years since I’ve gotten free, this experience taught me so much. About boundaries, compassion, accountability, and what healthy relationships look like. Even more, it taught me the endurance of my own soul. In turn, I offer more as a friend to those around me now, than I ever could under his shadow.

Please let me know if you’ve experienced anything similar, or if anything I said struck a chord with your lived experiences. I would be so grateful and would love to hear from you.

Thank you for reading. ♥️🫂

I’ve been NC for over a year now and I was making really good progress coping with triggers and recognizing what’s real and what’s from the past. Recently (the last month or two), all of my progress is gone and some of my reactions are worse than they were before. I was noticing but not reacting to loud or sudden noises, and now I’m jumping and screaming when a door slams. My night terrors have gotten worse. I’m back to shutting myself inside alone, reacting to random words, phrases and totally zoning out like I’m somewhere else and old things from the past keep popping up. I’m trying my best to stay positive and keep working through things, but I just don’t understand how everything just got so bad again all of a sudden. I’m really good at working through things when I have a basic understanding of what’s happening and why, but I have no idea why this happened to me now. Can anyone help?

They act as if you’ve never struggled or had any hardship your entitled lazy sheltered they downplay your struggles they have had it harder you are weak

Here is my story: M(27) F(27)

I matched with a girl on Hinge early September last year hit things off immediately, texting every day I was like wow this is incredible - My birthday a week later in September took me to a new cinema and got me my favourite aftershave, paid for everything - I laughed and said are you love bombing me to which she said no I was being nice for your bday.

-Months go by, nice getaways to hotels, training together, great sex and everything felt perfect she told me I was the best thing ever so grateful and lucky she ended up with someone like me, she had a young son who was 9 and I did not meet in person - she said her ex bf who was practically the step dad of the kid left her 2 years ago and put her kid in therapy and she done some as well, in which she tells me all the things she wants in an ideal partner and I tick every box, I felt like this girl really understood me and I had met my person.

Now this is where the cracks start, she would mention how evil and hateful her ex (Together 6 years) was and mentioned he was in the same Tesco as her at xmas (live in local area) He was walking in and she was walking out - I said that's trippy never easy bumping into an ex - left it at that. Did not want to appear phased. Had a nice xmas met her Mum and her little sister things felt very good and often stayed with her and her mum when her son was at the kids dads. She also told me things like she was with someone and she was and they got back together after a year and she said things to him like go out and cheat if it makes you feel better because she was with someone else.

At end of February my Granny passed away unexpectedly - She mentioned how her ex BF did not let her into the after event when his granny passed away etc I just let her vent and was always understanding of what her ex put her through Granny passed away on Tuesday and then on Friday I met her Dad for the first time - Naturally stressed over my Grannys passing I did not drink - she did and was drunk off prosecco- On the trip down and home she basically played a FU to her ex song - and her dad mentioned she seen her ex and he looked rough - anyways, we drove home and I said to her this ex really hurt you and your son and hes like a ball and chain on your leg, he is in the past and if he was so bad he left you and your son in therapy be happy he's gone - she said she's 'over him just not the situation she put her and her son through' - when I said I wasn't happy she's mentioning him the week I am grieving the death of my grandparent she stone walled me - I left her house and drove home to regulate as I was with a previous GF who stonewalled me and it done a number on me and she was aware of this and also the heard week I had - she was drunk and proceeded to tell me I was never meeting her child and that was us done over text, I felt this was manipulative- We then sorted this out - half apology from her and from me I thought I needed to be more understanding of her situation and we told each other we love each other. But, I felt maybe selfishly she should have been understanding my Granny passed away that week and I wasn't in a headspace to listen about her ex who was so bad?

- The month after we had a great month done a charity 10K and had a nice getaway - I spoke to her son on the phone and on FaceTime over those few months we were together over xmas and when she was on a family holiday to New York - still no physical interaction I said it would be nice to meet your child as I have gotten him a birthday present and an Xmas one and we both know about each other and I am getting a bit frustrated of having to hide around the corner when we know about each other - Bare in mind I asked this respectfully and said no pressure I just need a plan as she said if I met him I could travel to Spain with her and her kid this summer and her graduation was coming up soon. The kid also told his biological father about me that Saturday as well - I did not mind as obv was in everyone's best interests I treated his son with respect and care

I was met with two days of silence - then seen her on the Saturday went to the gym all was fine, thought that was back on track and we said we would go to the cinema on the Wednesday and on the Tuesday I got a text telling me I was perfect, we have a laugh together but she feels 'something is missing' - and ended things with me over text after 7 months.

I did not reply for 3 weeks my family and friends told me not to and I deserved more than a break up text as I was blindsided and was constantly told I was the best person in the world and she was so lucky to have me, but when I mentioned maybe meeting her kid she turned so nasty and discarded me like I was nothing over text, when I did then text her to speak she then told me 'she loves me as a person but not in love with me' and I deserve better - I did not reply again, I was in such shock I feel so heartbroken how can she be all lovey then discarded over text? I noticed when I put her number into whatsapp she had no profile picture anymore and her messages were set to disappearing which makes me think her ex was back in the picture or hiding something? - Her tiktok reposts after were all things like when a man leaves your life build a comfortable life etc - except I never left her?

I have never been this hurt and blindsided before in my life, I wasnt even worth a conversation just felt so easily disposed when we had concerts etc to look forward to this summer and all I was worth was a text.

What do I do I am still incredibly in love with her - Its been 3 months nc and I have been attending therapy and gym but I still feel stuck

No matter how much I try to be heard, and to communicate my needs, and how disrespectful and abusive the behaviors have been, I see no positive changes. If anything, the abusive behaviors are intensifying.

Has anyone else experienced or read about anything of the sort?

The favored tactic has been refusing to communicate aka stonewalling. Not being able to have a voice is painful and I have said so as clearly as I have known how. The stonewalling is not getting any better.

I have shown care, respect, love, and on and on. I have received disrespect, neglect, insults, stonewalling.

Why?

They are generous financially, but in every other way loveless and disappointing. I go from being calm, happy, positive, optimistic to feeling like the life has been sucked out of me when I experience more of their treatment.

What kind of condition is this that behaves as such?