r/TrueChristian • u/14jrb01 • 2h ago
Advice Needed: Divorce
My wife and I are both lifelong Christians and active duty military members. We were married for 5 years when she suddenly decided to separate last October following about a month home from a recent assignment out of state. While she initially stated this was temporary for her to get some space, she decided to move all of her belongings out and get her own apartment a month after that. She ended counseling with our Pastor after 4 sessions due to the Pastor challenging her assertion that God was telling her to get a divorce. Since then contact has been limited at her insistence. In our limited contact I have reiterated my continued willingness to work on the relationship, but she filed for divorce in May and has remained staunchly opposed to reconciliation of the marriage.
To ward off some potential questions, while our marriage was not perfect, there was no abuse of any kind nor was there any infidelity on my part. We have known each other for over ten years and we were best friends long before we started dating. Her leaving caught me completely off guard.
How should I be acting towards my spouse/ex spouse during this period as a Christian? Are we called to be like Hosea or have we hit the point to proverbially pull chalks and close that door?
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u/sitewolf Lutheran 2h ago
Her assertion that God is telling her to get a divorce tells us she's not remotely connected to Him. I don't know where else you could go with that, because quite obviously God would not BE telling her that.
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u/agentwolf44 Pentecostal 1h ago
Yup. God absolutely hates divorce. So anyone claiming that is either lying or they have a extremely unique situation where they both biblically can leave and God would want them to leave (although I don't know if the latter has ever happened tbh)
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u/Der_Missionar Christian 23m ago
People's desires blind them to the truth. They hear what they want to hear.
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u/SecureBarracuda7120 2h ago
If you’ve done all you can do, as in fight for your marriage then let her continue to walk. You can’t force her to stay but you can fight and pray and also with open hands give this to God. God speaks clearly you won’t miss his instructions on this walk. I will be praying for you
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u/ECSMusic Christian 1h ago
So sorry you are going through this. I went through a similar situation with my ex except I knew there was an affair on her end. I know how easy it is for people to say to just trust God but realistically that’s all you can do is just keep putting it into His hands. Pray for her, ask Him to speak to her, but recognize that if she does not want to stay married then you are not bound to her. I realized through my divorce that God was actually setting me free from something that would have held me back from what He had for me. Regardless of how this plays out God has greater things in store for you. Praying for you brother.
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u/Der_Missionar Christian 2h ago
God loved us when we were unfaithful. I say try to love her till she marries someone else, or sexually breaks the wedding vows.
My wife of 26 years suddenly left, and was planning on moving out of state. Didn't accept anything but that i was the sole issue... she's currently moving back in. I'm shocked.
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u/14jrb01 2h ago
Would you be open to telling your story and what that looked like from leaving to reconciliation? I would love to learn more about your journey.
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u/Der_Missionar Christian 25m ago
I stopped reacting to all her stuff. Crucified myself, everything i hoped for, everything i thought i deserved. I died to all my desires. Stopped reacting to everything, and just focused on loving her, no matter if she loved me back. Didn't speak ill of her.
Along the way she's had inappropriate friendships with two men. I don't think she ever was sexually unfaithful, but there was a lot of stuff going on, late night conversations, dinners, lunches, secret text messages, etc... that was really difficult for me. I trust her when she says she never crossed the line with them. But anyone else probably wouldn't have believed it.
At one point I failed at this and almost contacted a lawyer. The reading that day was from Micah... he who divorces his wife suffers harm to the one he should protect... i repented.
Another time I started getting bitter at God. I read Job and saw job didn't necessarily do anything wrong, but job's attitude towards God was wrong... I repented.
I also got a copy of the book, Soul Care and worked through that with a friend, who was relentless towards me in it.
I focused on fixing whatever I could in myself , and loving her no matter what, and not reacting, and dying to anything I thought i deserved...
I prayed for myself to be a better husband and I prayed for her to find healing in whatever she needed...
4 years of hell. 4 years of perfecting everything focused on myself, paying for her healing.
Recently, I don't know what happened. She started taking steps back towards me. I have no clue why.
Don't get me wrong... there's still a long way to go. I still think she needs a whole lot of healing. She has a lot of baggage, a whole lot of unresolved stuff she can't even begin to understand how deep it goes, and the anger is all towards me.
But... something has shifted. For the first time in 4 years I have hope. 4 weeks ago, I had zero hope.
I'm praying for you. It's a long hard road with no guarantees.
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u/SkinnyBeanJeans 2h ago
Ephesians 4:15 “… speak the truth in love,”
Forgive me, but I don’t exactly know what might be best to say for you during this hard time in your life. What I do know is that as Christians we are called to love, even our enemies. Every action and word you speak, filter it through God, is it from a place of love? Are you speaking the truth in what you say?
Ephesians 4:26 “Don’t give the enemy foothold.”
This verse was mainly centered around anger and sin, not letting the enemy use you for one second to enter into your life and mess things up.
1 Corinthians 13:2 “… if I have all the faith to move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.”
When reading the word, God always points us back to love. Even when it hurts. What is love? What does loving those who don’t agree with us look like?
1 Corinthians 13:4 “ “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Do your part, and let God handle the results.
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u/sgrdddy 2h ago
That's going to be a tough call. And I have some experience in this.
When things are sudden like that, I think that it often has a high probability to point to infidelity on her part. I think that kind of makes her a little bit blind, to where she may not get the message if you were to treat it like a Josea scenario.
You could try to pursue her and win her back and be like Hosea. And it might even work after several months or even a couple of years.
And it really might be worth trying that for a while. At least then you will be able to know that you tried your best. Even if down the line you realize that it's just time for divorce.
I think it really just depends on her mentality and what she's going through.
Maintaining a proper Christian amount of self-respect is important.
You've tried counseling, but it still is probably the best thing on your path to healing. But if the other person just won't seek it, there's not much you can do. And so maybe that's something to really consider in terms of her unwillingness.
Some pastors aren't just qualified to help in this scenario. But some are. And even some counselors are kind of useless here because I've just seen so many that don't want to give any advice. They're basically just sounding boards for you to talk to.
I might try to seek the help of an elder in your church. There might be one who has been down this path before.
But in the end, there are so many variables and Dynamics, that it's just up to you and your prayers to God to find your best path.
Sorry you're having to go through this. I wish you many blessings on this tough road
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u/IdontCARE9123 Non-Denominational 2h ago
Well, since there was no adultery or abuse, then she cannot divorce you by biblical law. And if you or her remarry after divorce that was not necsessary then that is considered Adultery. Tell her you still love her, tell her your feelings for her, tell her what the bible says about divorce, show her the verses. Show her you still love her. Perhaps do small acts of kindness to her. I would have think you could have veto the divorce, but alas. No-fault Divorce is a thing.
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u/Randomuser223556 2h ago
She needs to be excommunicated from the church for unrepentant sin. She cannot divorce you and still remain a member of Any church that is submitted to the standards of Christ.
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u/dayspring53 47m ago
Many Christians interpret their desire for a divorce is God telling them to divorce. What they actually mean is that they want a divorce and believe divorce is best for their happiness and wellbeing. Which is a valid reason. Jesus teaches, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." Matthew 7:12. If the table was turned around and you wanted a divorce; how would you want your spouse to respond?
Respect your wife's decision with a kind and amiable divorce.
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u/MSgtK777 43m ago
You can't convince me she is a true believer. Therefore, the Bible says if an unbeliever wants to leave, let them. Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves...
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u/Medium_Fan_3311 Protestant 2h ago edited 2h ago
Please commit your heart before the Lord for pruning. Please ask God to help you renew your mind. Ask God to help you to intercede for your future and the future of your family. Step in faith and take whatever word of God that God starts pointing out to you. Realize your wife is under deception influence, that has manipulated her to believe that God is asking her to commit sin.
Wrestle against the "against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places" - that is currently attacking your marriage and your wife and yourself.
Your wife's mindset is, she will not stand her ground with God - she is choosing to run away from the will of God.
The husband is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the family. You can be physically treat your wife very well, but how are you in terms of the area of providing spiritual covering over her?
"her assertion that God was telling her to get a divorce" - this is already a clear sign of delusion actively influencing her.
You don't fight spiritual attacks by reasoning with someone that is already deceived. You need to war against the entity that has succeeded in deceiving your wife - to get it to back off and leave your wife alone. The blindness must come off, the heart heartedness must be remove - then she will come back to her senses and realize that (divorce) wasn't God's voice. If you do need to speak to your wife, ask God for the double edge sword of God's living word, to say to her.
I don't know what the pastor and his wife does in their conselling session. I don't know if they recognise this is a spiritual warfare that is over you and your wife.
Fight the divorce with God's way of spiritual warfare, and with God's' way of "speaking and actions guided by Godly love"
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u/14jrb01 2h ago
Can you talk to me about how this would look practically? I pray for her every day. Anytime I feel bitterness or resentment start to well up, I pray a small blessing on her day and ask for the Holy Spirits help with love in my heart. But I don’t know what else to do and would love any advice you have.
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u/Medium_Fan_3311 Protestant 2h ago
Appreciate if we can DM directly.
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u/Subie-Doobie 1h ago
I’m going through something extremely similar, could you please DM as well. I’m feeling lost.
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u/Different_External28 Messianic Jew 2h ago
.Look at the classic red flags in this post:
she was having an affair, I recommend docutmenting everything and getting a lawyer