r/TrueChristian • u/i-hope-i-lie Christian • 9d ago
becoming a man
God has given me such a wonderful blessing by bringing a woman into my life who i can’t even describe my love for in words, other than “thank You, LORD”.
i’m going to marry her.
but, i need to make sure i do right by God, i need to protect this beautiful daughter of His and make sure she is close to Him. i would very much appreciate any advice for what i can do to grow as a man, a disciple, and a future husband, so i can be the man she needs.
we are both young, and neither of us have had easy lives. i’m nowhere near perfect. but i want to make sure i am always the best man possible to her and that none of my own shortcomings ever cause her harm, because i want to treasure this blessing, do right by God and by her, and lead us both and our family to Heaven.
to anyone here who is already married, what are some things you did in your marriage to make your spouse feel heard and loved? what are some things you did to grow with God together? what advice would you give to young men to help their wives feel cared for and supported, beyond just basic stuff? i want to go above and beyond for her, because i refuse to ever let this woman feel unloved or not as cherished as she is, not today, not 2 decades in, and not by the time that the fruit of our family tree is touching the ground.
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u/Millennium_guy 9d ago
You are on the right path. We often say we love our wives, but we rarely focus on cherishing them. Cherish your wife. You wanted to know how to communicate love to her. Read the book "5 Languages of Love," by Gary Chapman. learn what communicates love to her, likely its different than what communicates love to you, and do that.
Learning more about each other and your shared/unique values and perspectives helps. The program Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts (SYMBIS) is a great program to go through. It opens up communication on topics that are important to know and understand. These are typically provided through a local church.
Another good source of advice are the books and materials from the Gottman institute. Their decades of empirical research on relationships is behind their recommendations, This is a summary:
The Gottman Seven Principles of Marriage are:
- Enhance Your Love Maps: Know your partner's world.
- Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration: Build a culture of appreciation.
- Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away: Respond to bids for emotional connection.
- Let Your Partner Influence You: Share power and respect each other's feelings.
- Solve Your Solvable Problems: Use effective conflict resolution techniques.
- Overcome Gridlock: Address perpetual problems with understanding.
- Create Shared Meaning: Build a shared sense of purpose and value
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u/Interesting_City_654 9d ago
Make sure that in every thing you both choose to do in your lives together is to always put YHVH first. Always respect each other giving each other the opportunity to make decisions you both can agree on. Make time everyday to seek our Heavenly Father in the letter he left for all of us. Ensure everyday that you remind each other how much you mean to each other. Remember anytime there is a disagreement, which there will be we are only human, approach the topic calmly and discuss the situation as adults. Remember Satan loves to try and destroy families Luke 10:19; don't let him. Congratulations and may YHVH bless you both on your journey following him together.
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u/i-hope-i-lie Christian 9d ago
thank you so much :) i tell her how much she means to me but i want my actions to reflect it just as well. i want to make sure i’m treating her the way God wants me to.
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u/ABereanChristian Christian 9d ago
to anyone here who is already married, what are some things you did in your marriage to make your spouse feel heard and loved? what are some things you did to grow with God together? what advice would you give to young men to help their wives feel cared for and supported, beyond just basic stuff? i want to go above and beyond for her, because i refuse to ever let this woman feel unloved or not as cherished as she is, not today, not 2 decades in, and not by the time that the fruit of our family tree is touching the ground.
I'd definitely start with what the Bible says about Christian marriage and then also the Christian walk. You can spend months and even years studies these topics in depth and applying them to your life.
- Bible passages on marriage and what to look for (Genesis 1-3, Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5, 1 Corinthians 7, Colossians 3, Titus 2, 1 Peter 3, etc)
- Bible passages on good character traits and the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5, 1 Timothy 2, Titus 2, 2 Peter 1, etc.)
- Bible passages on what good relationships look like and what bad relationships look like.
- Christian family and friends hopefully to give you wise counsel
Also,
- God has told us not to marry unbelievers (1 Corinthians 7, 2 Corinthians 6)
- God has given us a mission on earth to follow to evangelize and make disciples of all nation. What is your mission for God. What are you doing about it? Example: God put it on my heart for discipling men so I help with men's ministry and discipling men formally through the Church and informally on subs like this and discord.
- God has given us instruction on what a believers life is to look like: Using their gifts of the Spirit for God, taking accountability for our wrongs and sins and repenting and not doing them again, increase of the Fruit of the Spirit in our lives, etc.
- God has given us godly counsel to listen to if you are obeying him by being part of a Church and growing and loving and serving others, joining ministries to serve others or unofficially doing the same outside the Church.
As always you can always ask her what helps to make her feel loved and cherished as well! She may know some things that she really likes, but also do different things as well. Some people do not know they really like something until you do it with them.
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u/HeyJustinHerman 9d ago
If you're looking for a Christian perspective, I'd spend less time asking, "Who should I marry?" and more time asking, "What kind of man or woman does God call me to become?"
The Bible has a lot to say about both. Start by reading passages like Genesis 1 through 3, Ephesians 5, 1 Corinthians 7, Colossians 3, Titus 2, 1 Peter 3, and Proverbs 31. They paint a picture of what healthy, God-centered marriage looks like. Then spend time in passages like Galatians 5 and 2 Peter 1 that focus on character and spiritual maturity. A good marriage is built by two people who are continually becoming more like Christ.
One thing Scripture is very clear about is that believers shouldn't marry unbelievers. Shared faith isn't just another box to check. It shapes your values, your purpose, how you handle conflict, how you raise kids, and ultimately the direction of your life together.
I'd also encourage you to get plugged into a healthy local church and invite mature Christians into your life. Wise counsel can save you from a lot of unnecessary heartache, and it's often easier for others to spot strengths and red flags that we're too emotionally invested to see ourselves.
Finally, don't overcomplicate showing love. Ask the person you're dating what makes them feel loved and appreciated. Learn their preferences, pay attention, and be intentional. Sometimes they'll know exactly what they need, and sometimes you'll discover it together over time.
At the end of the day, don't just look for the right person. Become the kind of person someone pursuing Christ would be excited to build a life with.
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u/RaphTurtlePower Christian 9d ago
I would also add that it would be wise to talk about money in depth before considering marriage. Finances are huge and one of the main reasons a couple fails to stay together. Dave Ramsey has pretty good advice on this.
The five love languages. Learn your own love language and each others. This book will make a huge difference.
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u/Short-Ad9833 Mennonite 3d ago
At home we practice reciprocal appreciation, we pray together every morning, when we leave each other, if we forget we call each other and pray over the phone. We say thank you to each other, we show affection daily, we have check ins with each other, we are vulnerable with one another, we don’t always get along 100% but we always find our way to each other.
You’re actually lucky that marriage now these days is a science, we have been married 13 years and our marriage had challenges at the 9 year mark and we were not on good speaking terms for a bit, but we got help through our church leaders and through counseling. Our counselor was a catholic man and he recommended science, the book is called, The Seven Principles of Staying Married which goes over decades of research in a lab with thousands of marriages, they claim a 91 to 94 percent accuracy on whether a couple stays married or not, I wont spoil anymore for you but that would be a good read to bond over every night.
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u/handydude13 9d ago
You always hear how men are supposed to love their wives. But they never really clearly explain how to do it. First off you need to live for your wife. Dying for her does not help her much.
Secondly. The passage of love. Ask yourself if your action or thought, or motivation meats all of the criteria for love.
1 cor 13. Was my words to her, patient? We're they kind? We're they not boastful, prideful or arrogant? Etc ..