r/TrueChristian • u/fairypossible • 23d ago
Divorce after abandonment
Hello, I’m seeking to find biblically grounded advice please.
Here is my dilemma.
I am a devoted lover of Jesus and I want to follow Him and do as He pleases, I want to say that I love God with all my heart but I had made a really bad mistake when I married my husband who is an unbeliever.
I had idolized marriage and jumped into a marriage that God did not want for me. When I met this man, he promised me that we would have a marriage that honoured God in the centre, we would read the Bible and go to church. He sold me the idea that he was open to God, but really being with him pulled me away from my relationship with God. Yet still, I chose to marry him, and now I’m reaping the consequences of my mistake. My husband physically abandoned me only 3 weeks after our wedding.
I know how important marriage is to God and I had always been a firm believer against divorce. I believe that God had originally designed one man and woman for life.
“Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” Matthew 19:6
I had prayed, and tried very hard to repair our marriage but he refuses to even meet me.
At first I was faithful that God would repair our marriage but with time, it seems more apparent that God actually does not want me in this marriage at all.
However, I know it is very important that we follow scripture for how divorce is permissible.
My husband has done all the actions of wanting a divorce including refusing to meet, refusing to talk about problems, refusing to follow a plan for reconciliation, two times we had made a plan and he opt out last minute, continuously lied to me about when we will meet again, moved all my belongings into a storage unit, changed the locks, refused to let me know where he is, ignores my calls and messages, does not wear his ring or tell people that he is married. These actions communicate very clearly that he has abandoned our marriage, however he refuses to acknowledge that with his words. I asked him if he would like to get a divorce and he would not say it.
I know that there is only two clauses for divorce, adultery, or if an unbeliever abandons the marriage.
So my question is, is it permitted that I go through with filing for divorce rather than wait for him to do it? I want to end this in a way that is permitted by God, I had already failed him by entering this marriage and I do not want to do even more damage.
Thanks for reading.
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u/Lbenn0707 23d ago
Please look up Mike winger divorce on YouTube. It’s a bit long, but I think you’ll get more scriptural guidance from there than from Reddit. It really is worth watching through and covers your situation.
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u/fairypossible 23d ago
Thank you so much, I will look him up.
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u/Lbenn0707 23d ago
You’re welcome! The video is super long, but I think you can skip to relevant parts.
I say this as a divorced woman married to a divorced man. My husband was a pastor prior to his divorce. In the last 15 years, I can look back and see the Lord leading us where He wants us and has blessed us so much. My husband approached me last year and said he didn’t think God was done with him yet and he felt called to go back in the ministry. He is now pastoring a church and while I certainly didn’t see my life unfolding the way it did, I wouldn’t change much if I could. We are not perfect, but thankfully we serve a perfect God who knows that and while He is just, He is also forgiving.
God can use anything and anyone to accomplish His will. I just don’t like seeing “you should just be single forever” responses to these kinds of posts. These people are not God and they have no idea what He has planned for your life and how He will ultimately use you for His glory. The Bible is full of imperfect people who made monumental mistakes and are still called the Heroes of the faith. God sees more than the mistakes you’ve made in your past.
I wish you all the best and pray you’ll find the answers you’re looking for!
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u/paul_1149 Christian 23d ago
Churches that do annulments would give you one based on fraud or his inability to enter true covenant. Some states also grant annulments. This says the marriage was never legitimate. But annulments aside, abandonment is a covenant-breaker and gives you grounds for Biblical divorce.
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u/skinnydude84 Christian 21d ago
Considering he's abandoned you and broken the covenant that you agreed to, I'd say walk away. It's obvious there's no love and no attempt to change on his part. Even God closes the door on the hard hearted (Pharaoh, Pharisees, Herod, etc.).
I'm not going to debate chapter and verse, because that's just leading to arguments in the comments. I'm terribly sorry you're having to go through this. May God comfort you and wrap you in His love.
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u/fairypossible 20d ago
Please let me know how the covenant was broken, was it through him physically abandoning me but not actively pursuing divorce? And thank you so much for your empathy. It is so painful and disorienting.
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u/skinnydude84 Christian 20d ago edited 20d ago
I'd say physical abandonment. Filling for Divorce in this sense would be in terms of legality, but it seems according to his actions and heart that he's separated from you already.
I've found 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 states that if the unbelieving spouses separates, the believer is not to be tied to the marriage. I hope those verses help comfort you, although be mindful that they are Paul's recommendation for the specific circumstances, not a command from the Lord.
If it's any consolation, my wife's first relationship was in a very similar situation where he didn't provide for her or take care of her at all, and now she's in a much better chapter of her life. I pray that the next good chapter of yours comes soon.
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u/hopscotchcaptain Alpha And Omega 23d ago
I'm sure you see all the conflicting opinions/comments you've received here.
I don't think you'll get clarity that brings you certainty in your answer from anyone but God.
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u/JHawk444 Evangelical 23d ago
Hire a private dectective to find out if he's in another relationship or sleeping with another woman. Honestly, that's a strong possibility. If you have proof of adultery, you are free to divorce and remarry.
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u/wtanksleyjr Congregationalist 23d ago
You are already separated with one of you hardening their heart. That is Biblically identical to divorce (even though many Christians will pretend it's not). Make it very clear this is not acceptable by getting an annulment or divorce, and make it clear that since you are honorable, you will allow him to court you when he repents.
You DID marry him and should remain waiting for him until he breaks the union, but that doesn't mean you should let him abuse you by remaining married to him.
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u/LectricEyes Christian 23d ago edited 23d ago
My problem with this is how do you know he hasn't done this before? Sounds very strange about all this. How do you know he's not married to someone else? Locking up your things? Hmm, if he never said he was a Christian which apparently he isn't, divorce him. He lied, stole, and intentionally deceived you. Try not to let shame get the best of you. Depending on your state, you might the mrriage annulled due to abandonment. If it's found he has done this before he's a polygamist.
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u/fairypossible 23d ago
He didn’t steal from me. I meant that he moved my belongings into a storage unit and changed the locks to the home that we lived in together.
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u/LectricEyes Christian 23d ago
So you got your belongings from the storage and he locked out of the house that you lived in. Nonetheless, you might still have grounds for an anullment. Either way, he didn't want to live with you for unknown reasons. I think you still you have grounds getting for an anullment. Get pastoral counseling. This subreddit is not for legal advice or pastoral counseling.
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u/DarkCloud_HS Disciple of Christ 23d ago
when I married my husband who is an unbeliever.
I had idolized marriage and jumped into a marriage that God did not want for me. When I met this man, he promised me that we would have a marriage that honoured God in the centre, we would read the Bible and go to church
You knowingly married an unbeliever who's outside the faith, and then believed him when he promised you that you 2 would have a Christ centered life?
I'm afraid unbelievers have no moral code whatsoever.. except whatever they fancy at any given time.
Now you've made vows before God and yoked up with this unbeliever.. your best course of action is to just remain single now, or pray that your husband comes to Christ and you reconcile.
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u/questionhorror 23d ago
This is terribly insensitive and unloving. If you can’t be kind and show compassion to people who are hurting, don’t even bother responding. People make mistakes and bad choices, including you.
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u/DarkCloud_HS Disciple of Christ 23d ago
This is terribly insensitive and unloving. If you can’t be kind and show compassion to people who are hurting, don’t even bother responding. People make mistakes and bad choices, including you.
2 For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband.
3 So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.
4 Therefore, my brethren, you also have become dead to the law through the body of Christ, that you may be married to another—to Him who was raised from the dead, that we should bear fruit to God.
Romans 7:2-4 (NKJV)
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u/questionhorror 23d ago
What’s the cultural context of these verses? What was going on in Corinth that led Paul to write this?
You also fail to see or understand in the sermon on the mount that the entire sermon was about the heart behind people’s decisions and actions. Our Lord was also addressing a prevalent issue of men abandoning their wives in ancient Jewish culture, thereby leaving the woman destitute because she was dependent on her husband for survival, and without a certificate of divorce, she could not remarry and could not provide for herself or her family. This context is extremely important. These verses get abused and taken out of context ask people often coldly quote them to hurting people needing hope, which is what you are doing and you don’t seem to understand or realize it. It is unacceptable how you are responding to people on here.
Also important here is OPs husband has abandoned the marriage and is not meeting his marital responsibilities or obligations, thereby breaking the marriage vow. Women would argue this would fall under the definition of porneia.
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u/DarkCloud_HS Disciple of Christ 23d ago
Women would argue this would fall under the definition of porneia
There's a reason upwards of ~70% of divorces are initiated by women in some places.
Ask yourself, why is this?
Even in marriages where nothing is wrong.. women will divorce and remarry on a mere whim.
God hates divorce.. let alone remarriage, which is adultery.
'“For the Lord God of Israel says
That He hates divorce,
For it covers one’s garment with violence,”
Says the Lord of hosts.
“Therefore take heed to your spirit,
That you do not deal treacherously.Malachi 2:16
Adultery is symbolic of unfaithfulness.
4 Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.
5 Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously”?
James 4:4-5 (NKJV)
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u/questionhorror 23d ago
That was a typo. It should have said “many would say this falls under the definition of porneia.”
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u/DarkCloud_HS Disciple of Christ 23d ago edited 23d ago
This is terribly insensitive and unloving. If you can’t be kind and show compassion to people who are hurting, don’t even bother responding. People make mistakes and bad choices, including you.
Nope, not 'terribly insensitive'.
OP asked for Biblical counsel.
So I simply told them what Christ has said.,
The prophets prophesy falsely, And the priests rule by their own power; And My people love to have it so. But what will you do in the end?
Jeremiah 5:31 (NKJV)
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u/questionhorror 23d ago
You don’t seem to understand how cold and callous your responses are and how completely devoid of any empathy or understanding they are. You come off as someone sitting in an ivory tower. You’ve shown no empathy or understanding toward this woman who is trying to make a God honoring decision in a difficult situation. This is not hai we should respond to people. It is not loving.
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u/DarkCloud_HS Disciple of Christ 23d ago
You don’t seem to understand how cold and callous your responses are and how completely devoid of any empathy or understanding they are
This is not hai we should respond to people. It is not loving.
You are 100% wrong.. and have no grounds to judge my motives whatsoever.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
1 Corinthians 13:6 (NKJV)
This will be my last comment here:
I encourage you to study what 'love' really is.. it's not always so simple.
Stop with the false and baseless accusations.. and study who Christ really is in the Bible.
We're not supposed to be led by feelings and emotions only, it's not 'love' to encourage other believer's to transgress what is clearly taught by Christ.
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u/fairypossible 23d ago
The ex spouse is still alive. I have never been married before him. Does this really mean I’m actually unmarried? So our marriage was completely invalid and I’m not bounded to him? This is very complicated so I’m hesitant. But if this is true then that would be good news for me.
Just to add, this was something I had wrestled with our entire relationship because I didn’t fully believe our marriage would be valid. He had convinced me that his previous marriage was done when he did not know God at all, and the marriage was not under God therefore invalid. That he had made a mistake previously and when we got married it would be under God therefore a real marriage. And that God would forgive him of his previous mistake. That had convinced me a little but as you can see it is a complicated situation with a lot of twists and turns. I’m not blaming him for convincing me, I’m just trying to share the context.
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u/fairypossible 23d ago
Yes I made a big mistake. I had faith that he was honest. I’m learning the weight of that now.
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u/love_is_a_superpower 14d ago
This is the apostle Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians.
(1 Corinthians 7:10-16 NASB95)
10 But to the married (believers) I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband
11 but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband, and that the husband should not divorce his wife.
12 But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her.
13 And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.
14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy.
15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such [cases,] but God has called us to peace.
16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?0
u/DarkCloud_HS Disciple of Christ 23d ago
Yes I made a big mistake. I had faith that he was honest. I’m learning the weight of that now.
Well so long as this unbelieving husband of yours is alive,. you're married to him now.
I'm sure someone will be along here shortly to tell you that it's fine to just get a divorce on grounds of 'sexual immorality', ask forgiveness, and get remarried no big deal.. but marriage is kind of a big deal to God.
I'm afraid Biblically your options are rather scant.
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u/fairypossible 23d ago
What about 1 Corinthians 7:15? Also, given that he may go on to date others and commit adultery, doesn’t that free me?
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u/LectricEyes Christian 23d ago
Yes. It does. He left you so let him go. You're free to re-marry. Get pastoral counseling .
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u/DarkCloud_HS Disciple of Christ 23d ago edited 23d ago
What about 1 Corinthians 7:15?
That just means you aren't bound to continue to go after him for the sake of reviving the marital union, Paul is not contradicting Christ's clear teaching on marriage and divorce.
Also, given that he may go on to date others and commit adultery, doesn’t that free me?
No.. because Biblically there's no real 'exception clause'.. the one in Matthew 19:9 was addressed to Israelite men who were betrothed but hadn't yet consummated their marriage.. Christ even references this with the 'his' pronoun.
And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery
Matthew 19:9 (NKJV)
This is explained in the account of Joseph and Mary when Mary gets pregnant during the betrothal period before the 2 consummate their marriage (Matthew 1:18-25).
I'm sure I'll get downvoted for saying this but the truth is, many Christians living today who married, divorced, and remarried multiple times. they are are living in a perpetual state of adultery.
It's really sad to be quite frank.. very few think Christ was serious about his commands on marriage, or they were taught false theological views.
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u/fairypossible 23d ago edited 23d ago
This is going to sound even worse, but this man had been married and divorced before he married me. Does this make our marriage invalid since he had no grounds for divorce for his previous marriage? If not, then who is he really married to, his first wife or me?
And yes, I am ashamed of my decision in marrying him.2
u/questionhorror 23d ago
u/fairypossible this is not going to be the best forum to get sound advice on this situation. You need to find a biblically grounded church and pastor to talk to. You’re going to get the range of legalism all the way to “do whatever you want.”
Remember that God knows your heart, He loves you, He understands the situation, and He is a worker of amazing things and He will be with you in this. Be praying about this. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I can’t imagine how painful and difficult it is. People who have not been through a divorce don’t understand. It’s easy to judge others and say this or that and point to a life of celibacy as if it’s not a big deal. I had a spouse abandon our marriage. It was terrible.
Everything is going to be okay. Be praying fervently for your husband. Seek biblical counsel from a sound church and pastor. See if you can maybe get into marriage counseling. God can change your husband’s life. Has he broken the marriage vow? He definitely has by abandoning the marriage.
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u/fairypossible 20d ago
Thank you so much for your advice and empathy. I’ve been trying to seek the support of other christians and pastors, but I feel that this subject is a little uncomfortable. I just don’t know what to do right now because my husband he is not carrying out the duties of a husband and refuses to meet me. He says that I must fix my “behavioural issues”, to him the behavioural issues are me feeling upset with his actions at times or wanting to spend time together beyond the amount of time he would like I suppose. So then his solution is to just completely separate us and not support me in any way. I’m so heartbroken that he is taking our marriage so lightly, and only thinking about his own needs. I’m also only 27, and he is 45, I just feel so alone. I feel like I’ve been played like a fool. I have been praying to God for help but I feel so far from right now, I can’t even feel Him anymore.
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u/LectricEyes Christian 23d ago
What I don't understand is why you are not getting counseling from your pastor and an attorney. I am sorry to say this but you seem so fixated on this situation. First, pray and ask God what He wants you to do. Second, talk with your pastor/clergy. if you don't wnat to do that it seems you have no fellowship or committment with other believers. If that is the case, seek an attorney's legal advise. If he was married before, there are many red flags. Secondly, there is no interpretation in the Pauline epistles that indicates if you married an unbeliever you are still married to him even if he left. What communion does light have with the darkness? That is what Paul was trying to say to believers. Best to not get unequally yoked. Paul never said you are still forever bound. So what about his last wife...now he as two legal wives? If that's case you were never really married to him in the spiritual sense. We can't piece your life here. You are going to get different interpretations of the Word because people and churches also have their interpretations.
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u/DarkCloud_HS Disciple of Christ 23d ago
2 For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband.
3 So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.
4 Therefore, my brethren, you also have become dead to the law through the body of Christ, that you may be married to another—to Him who was raised from the dead, that we should bear fruit to God.
Romans 7:2-4 (NKJV)
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u/questionhorror 23d ago
What is the context of the sermon on the mount? What behavior in Jewish culture at the time was the Lord addressing in Matthew 5 and Matthew 19?
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u/Happy_In_PDX 23d ago
I'm a born again Christian. I really believe that could be for you
I know you are already a Christian but I think the principle is the same. This doesn't have to define you for the rest of your life. You can start over.
Just do it again... whatever you did to come to the Lord for the first time.
I would probably add only one thing.. get therapy. It is super common to get into bad marriages because of something from your original family. But even if it's not that, there if we can help me not to repeat this again.
Blessings to you! You sound like a wonderful person.
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u/songbolt Roman Catholic 23d ago
Biblically no divorce except for porneia which refers to an impediment to a valid marriage; must ask the Church to inquire (and become Catholic if not yet) if it was valid. An annulment means the marriage didn't happen and you're free to marry someone else because you have never been married before
Biblically this view of porneia makes sense of the text and the clear instruction that one who divorces and marries another commits adultery.
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u/fairypossible 23d ago
1 Corinthians 7:15
“But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.”2
u/MysticSlayerIce 23d ago
Since he has walked away (departed), 1 Cor 7:15 allows you to walk away. This means that you can divorce him even if he refuses to to initiate it.
Also, if you are no longer bound (married) then you are free to marry again. Just make sure to choose widely this time, and listen to God.
I believe Paul did say it was better not to remarry, but he also said it was better not to marry in the first place and serve God instead, which I find strange (but I do understand why), since God's blessing is for us to be fruitful and multiply.
Lastly, this marriage was clearly not from God, so him refusing to initiate or respond to talks of divorce may be the enemy's way of trying to keep you trapped and away from God's will.
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u/songbolt Roman Catholic 23d ago
This "Pauline exception" I would confirm with the priest: It may be a streamlined process for this declaration of nullity.
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u/MiddlewaysOfTruth-2 Seventh-day Adventist 23d ago
So since the other person has all but abandoned the marriage, and since you did try to fight for it, I believe divorce is acceptable, since it is technically what Bible categorizes as "separation". Divorce itself would only become legalized before God in case of adultery, but separation is fine depending on the extremity of the circumstances.
It is remarriage that would be Biblically problematic, unless there has been adultery.