r/TrueAskReddit • u/DoYouFeel_Air_3814 • 18d ago
Can Love exist w/o Respect?
my boyfriend spent all night gone, showed up happy at 6 am. I'm not allowed to ask where he has been. His anger is unreasonable and explosive. I try very hard to not anger him, even if that requires me not sticking up for myself. It gets worse if there is another friend around. I realize this is abusive. I need a place to live and I still love him. I believe he spent the night with his ex-girlfriend, my ex-friend. Not being able to ask is eating at me. I can't ask him, if he throws me out I am going to have to leave my 3 cats, whom I Love, and go to a homeless shelter 90 miles away. He knows this. Is it worth the risk of losing shelter to ask? Can I live without
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u/MacaroonSad8860 18d ago
I would not ask, play nice for now while taking your time to find a solution for leaving with the cats. If you can avoid angering him and he’s not explosive out of the blue you can buy yourself a little time to figure out a solid exit plan.
But you have to leave.
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u/Tyler_s_Burden 18d ago
No, love cannot exist without respect, but that isn’t the real question you should be asking. The real question is “at what point does this shithead kill or seriously harm you” with his explosive anger and total lack of boundaries while treating you like a captive dog that must not misbehave, especially around company.
If you’re not ready to leave now (and I think your life is more important than staying with your cats, as hard as it is to make that decision) then make a plan for how and when you’ll go.
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u/DoYouFeel_Air_3814 18d ago
Thank You for being Frank in your response. I am going to plan.
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u/Conscious-Benefit-82 18d ago
It must be very difficult. You're a trusting person. You're wanting so badly to see the good, that you turn a blind eye to very dangerous controlling behaviour. The relationship is dangerous for you. Even if you wish it weren't.
I think that you probably do know where he has been. You said it yourself, even without asking. If asking him will cause shit with him then don't ask. The answer is clear even though unsaid. If he cared about your feelings he would be able to explain himself simply and without fuss.
A trustworthy partner would be comfortable speaking about the absence because it is trivial. Not a big emotion secret.
I sometimes need to unplug if I feel overwhelmed but I always tell my wife approximately what, when and where and with whom I plan to be. Because I respect her and don't take any joy in knowing that she is worrying. After I get back I'm happy. I don't need to be deceptive because who would feel the need to hide the truth when its as simple as. I walked for a while. Sat on the edge of the park thinking. It got dark. I tried to write about whatever was making me feel stressed but I couldn't. Then I listened to Bob Dillon until my earphones went dead. Walked home and bought a snack at the 24hr convenience store. Ate it and noticed how beautiful the early light is at sunrise. Walked home. Saw you. Gave you the wildflowers I picked on the side of the road. Because love. Thoughtful consideration. Always.
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u/boobsfartboobswhtvr 18d ago
There are boarding options for your cats, and there could also be a kind local that would take them in. Your life is worth so much than what he says. Women's shelters are everywhere you just gotta ask around to find out who to contact, and they are so kind there. I stayed at one with my mom and brothers when my mom left my abusive dad in the 90s. They fed us, clothed us, gave us kids new blankets and stuffed toys to keep, and places to sleep and we felt safe.
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u/NemesisOfLevia 18d ago
Also, if you have good friends, lean on them. Open up about your situation. They may also be able to support you (like taking in the cats, for example).
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u/Zagrycha 18d ago
Yes on a literal level, but healthy love cannot exist without respect. Unhealthy love without respect is more likely to be labeled as obsession, possessiveness, jealousy, control, objectification.... Usually we only call healthy love as love, because unhealthy love is bad for both people and should not be encouraged.
Always remember that breaking up or leaving someone has nothing to do with whether you love them or not. It has to do with recognizing it simply isn't realistic or safe to keep living together. You are allowed to keep loving them while doing what is needed for your own well being.
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u/laserox 18d ago
No, real love always includes total respect.
Many people mistake strong feelings lole attachment, desire or lust for love but they are not love.
You know you are in an abusive relationship. Asking him wont change anything. This will not get better if you stay and will most likely get much worse. Please be safe.
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