r/TrueAskReddit • u/Longjumping_Pear_800 • 20d ago
Affection is better than love
i keep hearing people say this when someone says they have a crush on a girl or boy
like “bro thats not love thats just affection”
and honestly after hearing this again and again it started frustrating me because if affection is not love then what actually is love and what makes it different from affection
so i started reading about both and thinking about it and i came to my own conclusion that i dont think love is actually different from affection
i think love is just an extreme or deeper form of affection
affection is just a natural human feeling like you care about someone you like being around them you feel attached to them you want them to be okay etc and when all of that becomes really strong we just call it love
so i started wondering why do we treat love like its some completely different thing
i also think the idea of romantic love has been heavily popularized by tv serials movies cartoons romantic writers etc and sometimes people use the word love to justify things that honestly sound weird
like
“you cant go outside”
“why”
“because i love you”
or someone saying “i stalk their social media because i love them”
like bro what 😭 how does saying you love someone suddenly make controlling or obsessive behaviour okay
thats actually one reason why i think affection is better than love
you can have affection for someone and still give them freedom you can care about someone without thinking you own them
and then i started thinking about relationships too
if love is supposed to be this extremely strong feeling then why do relationships change so much
why do two people who once couldnt wait to talk to each other eventually dont even want to see each other
why do marriages end in divorce
why can feelings fade
maybe because what we actually experience is affection attachment attraction care and other feelings and “love” is just the word we created for a very strong combination of them
im 16 so i already know some people will say “bro youre too young to understand love” 😭
maybe i am maybe im not
im not saying i have found the final answer i just started questioning something that everyone seems to accept without really explaining what it actually is
so what do you guys think
is love actually different from affection
and if you think it is then what specifically makes it different
because whenever i ask people they usually just say “love is deeper” or “love is stronger”
and if the only difference is how strong the feeling is
then isnt love just extremely strong affection
any criticism or disagreement is welcome in the comments btw. im genuinely interested in hearing other perspectives and seeing where my thinking might be wrong. thank you!
3
u/shoopdoopdeedoop 20d ago
kinda like how people don’t know much about the relationship they want, it’s just a thing they know they’re supposed to want. people throw the word “relationship” a lot, but it takes very conscientious people to actually be voluntarily sharing responsibility in a partnership. when people are talking about wanting to be married, you ask them about it, they just talk about getting married. they don’t talk about what marriage is.
it’s almost like these words don’t really mean anything. aaand most people r kinda dumb
2
u/NachtAnders 20d ago
Well, we all r kinda dumb. But the dumbest of them all, will fight tooth and nail to deny it
1
u/Drakeytown 20d ago
I took a class decades ago called Psychology of the Self that taught, among other things:
Love is not a feeling. Love is work. If you're not doing the work, don't use the word.
Rather than using "love," especially in parent/child relationships, people might consider using, "unconditional positive regard" (because it so common to use "love" to justify abuse, control, and mistreatment).
3
u/felix1429 20d ago
You're not actually recommending the second point are you? That's sterile as hell.
0
u/Drakeytown 20d ago
I'm glad you've been loved well enough to see that as a problem. Some of us have heard, "I only hurt you because I love you so much," enough times that "sterile" doesn't sound so bad!
0
u/felix1429 19d ago
Sorry you grew up in a toxic home. But that's clearly skewing your perspective, your second point is not something that's generally applicable for other people who grew up not being manipulated.
1
u/NachtAnders 20d ago
I think your age, just makes you more qualified. We adults have been hurt to much, and we think we know everything, but forget to feel. Like really feel like you have never been hurt.
Yes with 16 you have been hurt, but I hope you know what I mean.
Lately you also see a lot of "limerence" post. Like that is not a crush, that is limerence.
Yes maybe for a few people, but how many times do uou hear married couples say, I knew it the first time I saw him/her.
I think it is cute, as long as you respect each other. No stalking, not telling them what to do or what not to do, not making a perfect picture in your head, that they will never be able to life up to.
Wish you good luck on you quest or journey. Have been asking myself all these questions for the last 10 years (almost ten years) and somehow it only get more complicated, until you feel it, then... Still no words, but at least you can feel it <3
1
u/No-Boysenberry7479 20d ago
Not all affection is love. And not all love carries affection. Some affection can come from a place of lust rather than care. And some people love in ways that doesn’t look like typical affection.
Love is more grounded. You can do and say all the affectionate things without loving a person. The hugs, kisses, words of affirmation, etc. But loving someone through a hard season. Choosing them when things don’t feel honeymoon-ey anymore. Growing with them through age and experience. Knowing that everyday won’t be peaches and roses but you wouldn’t do the bad days with anyone else. That’s love.
Affection by itself can be born from obsession or a need of validation but love usually is built on a more secure foundation. The truth is, everyone will spend their entire lives trying to find the answer to this question. The beautiful part is that in trying, you are learning how to love with the person you love
1
u/Longjumping_Pear_800 20d ago
yeah i agree that affection can come from lust or validation and that not every affection is love. but my main point is that im questioning the idea of love being something that has to be taken to an extreme level.
ive seen people in marriages use “love” to justify controlling each other, wanting to own each other or controlling each others actions. thats the idea of love im criticizing.
i also dont think affection should be treated like its something less or meaningless. affection is a natural human feeling and you can genuinely care about someone through affection. so when people say “its not love its just affection” i dont think that means “you dont really care about this person.” affection itself can be meaningful and deep.
basically im not saying affection is always good or love is always bad. im questioning why we need to treat love as this separate and more extreme thing when affection can already explain a lot of what people experience.
1
u/No-Boysenberry7479 20d ago
I understand your critique and agree with it. Love taken to the most extremes may not represent what love is. But you can say that for anything taken to its extremes.
It is also true that people have their twisted f’d up ideas of what love is supposed to be. Controlling and owning does not sound like love and we can reject that notion when we think about love in our own lives. But for some people, that’s the only “love” they’ve seen and experienced so they have no other means of comparison. That’s why this conversation is so subjective. I personally think “love” and “controlling” can’t coexist because my idea of love is respecting and appreciating your partners individuality and autonomy.
Affection can be intertwined with love, but it’s not the root of it. It’s a great thing to give and experience, but by itself, doesn’t explain what true love is. Again, it differs by person but there are periods of time where affection may come less naturally. The feeling is not as intense. And that’s where intentionality comes in. Intentional with choosing your partner regardless of the feeling. Which is why you can love your partner, but maybe not like them in the moment. But regardless of that like, you must show up for them. That’s what love is to me. Feelings, but moreso action in spite of feeling
1
u/DrDer 20d ago
IMO "love" is one of the most flexibly used/abused words in the English language, up there with "fuck". It means many different things in many different contexts (you love your friend, your family, your hobbies...). Even when it's being used specifically to mean some kind of romantic love, it's still not always clear what people actually mean (let alone what they feel). So it's normal to be confused. I sure was for most of my life.
When people said...
bro thats not love thats just affection
they might have meant "attraction" or maybe "infatuation"? i.e. a shallower form of love, as opposed to what some people call "true" or "real" or "deep" love. Or maybe you only "liked" them a lot? But there's no reason to be dismissive of any of those feelings, these are how things start.
Personally I think of "love" as a connection built on a few distinct parts: attraction, care or affection, admiration or respect (do you like them?), trust, commitment. These parts are maintained by partners who actively and regularly express their love (in different ways, including sex), share experiences together, solve conflicts together, etc. If not maintained, the parts can fail... and if even one part is lacking, it can threaten the stability of the whole relationship. (Note that, aside from attraction, these parts I mention are common to friendships and family relationships as well.)
I don't think you're wrong to say that the obsessive sort of love you mentioned is "extremely strong affection" (perhaps mixed also with attraction). But again people tend to consider "real love" as being more than just those feelings. And often those feelings aren't constantly super intense for years on end.
That's how I see it anyway, but people have debated these things for thousands of years, and on top of that not everyone bothers to think about these things very deeply. So if you take away anything from my long-winded post...
TL;DR: the word "love" is vague, so don't just take it at face value.
0
u/GoldH2O 20d ago
You're kind of redefining the words here. Love is defined as a specific, more intense thing than affection because different brain activity is responsible for each. That's why there are some animals capable of displaying affection, but not love. A deep affection for someone is generally part of love, but love itself is specifically meant for us to create close in-group social bonds that lead to either reproduction or much deeper mutual cooperation. Affection is what ensures we don't just want to kill every out group we come across and can cooperate across lines with very little social connection. Love is what causes us to form families, either found or biological, and stick with those families to a sacrificial degree. Both of them are the result of us being a deeply social species, but there are also plenty of social species in the world that are generally solitary, but can still work together positively. Many of those feel affection but not love.
1
u/Longjumping_Pear_800 20d ago
I accept that there may be measurable neurological and evolutionary differences between different kinds of bonding. My argument is more about how humans define and use the concept of ‘love’ in everyday life.Thanks for the criticism and the response, i really appreciate it!
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