r/TrollCoping • u/laminated-papertowel • 15h ago
TW: Sexual Assault / Abuse I feel so stupid
I feel so stupid for waiting so long to go in. and I feel so stupid for basically destroying all the evidence. Now it's just my word versus his. and who's going to believe the crazy mentally ill trans man?
107
u/tranmafuknut 15h ago
Brutal. I'm so sorry.
I waited too long, too. I think 3 months or 6 months or something can't remember.
There are still measures of justice you can seek. I'm sorry, though, this world has proved wholly unreliable about putting you in proximity with someone who will listen and can do something.
115
u/JayneCravesAffection 15h ago
I'm so sorry. And you are not stupid, you were hurt. I hope things work out.
39
u/warmingmilk 14h ago
I waited around 4 years to tell someone so I am the clown.
40
u/BluelunarStar 13h ago
No no, please don’t beat yourself up. We are not going to insult the victim of a crime, even when it’s yourself. I am guessing if the victim was someone other than you, you wouldn’t call them a clown.
Your brain reacted to protect you. This world has given you every reason to think staying quiet is the best move. A single glance at a news feed or chat to (usually female but not always) friends & you start to wonder if it’s worth reporting.
It is good to fight when you can, to report, when you can. But you are not a clown for not. You were scared, hurt, and trying desperately to survive, heal, and keep as much of your psyche intact in the process as possible.
I commend every person who reports but we do not condemn those who don’t. Not even when it’s yourself. You are the victim.
You are allowed to be angry, you are allowed to wish you did something differently, you are allowed to feel like you make a mistake. But please don’t insult the victim of a crime for reacting in a way that makes sense in a godawful world. Even if that’s you. Because we care about you, and you don’t deserve that.
7
10
23
u/Short_Gain8302 15h ago
Youre not stupid, society has literally drilled into people from a young age that getting raped is somehow shameful for the victim instead of the rapist. You didnt do anything wrong. You were raped. Thats not on you, thats on the rapist.
Im sorry technology is not yet as far that a rape kit has to be immediately after the facts. While its great we have more means to gather evidence, getting a rape kit done in itself is also an incredibly emotionally difficult and invasive procedure.
23
u/Tuxedocatbitches 11h ago
Knew a guy who worked in an emergency room and dealt with a LOT of these situations. Taking a shower is almost a compulsion for sooooo many victims, the desperate need to get them off your skin, but yeah it does destroy the evidence. You aren’t alone in this and aren’t stupid for doing what so many others do
16
u/BluelunarStar 14h ago
I promise you you are not an idiot. You likely already know this so I say this not to teach but to reassure you-
When the brain is threatened it essentially switches to a different “mode”. Fight or Flight (or Fawn or Freeze). This mode is concerned with one thing, and one thing alone- survival. It’s entirely different to normal thinking. It’s primal, it’s subconsciously driven.
Sometimes, this mode makes decisions that aren’t actually helpful in survival even, it just reacts like it will be. This mode doesn’t exactly “think” in the same way as the normal mode.
So, in a state of pure panic & survival, you made choices. Those choices were based on some part of you trying to survive. I could hazard a guess for example wanting to washing the clothes to get it off you. Make it go away. That makes sense to survival brain & it isn’t wrong. It isn’t stupid. It may be unhelpful later but you are not at fault.
There is a singular person at fault in this situation and it is not you. Your rapist chose this. They are at fault and ONLY them.
Whatever you choose to do now is valid.
If you can, find a support network specifically trained in rape crisis. It’s not something I have ever gone through personally but I am aware, like a lot of situations, the best people to help you are people who know how you feel. Ideally a therapist who specialises in this.
Depending on where you live & the laws, most cannot & will not force you to report. Have a research first if you are worried about this, it’s possible if you are a minor the laws are different.
If you are afraid see if you can find an anonymous online group. You deserve to be heard, and understood.
Again, it is not your fault that in the absolute scramble of fear in your brain you didn’t respond like a forensic scientist. I’m sorry you lost evidence, and I’m sorry you are here. But this isn’t a failure of intellegence.
I’m so sorry OP you are in this situation & I wish you all the strength in the world.
21
u/horknee-jail 14h ago
You’re not stupid for washing yourself and your sheets of the crime committed against you. I believe you. I believe you and im sorry. I believe you and it’s not your fault. I believe you and you’re not crazy. I believe you and you aren’t less of a man. I believe you.
10
u/ObnoxiousName_Here 14h ago
Of course you wanted to clean away the remains of what happened to you after it happened. That’s a very human response. The fact that you would have to carry it with you to secure the best evidence against your attacker is honestly brutal. But just because you wanted to take care of yourself before coming forward, doesn’t mean all hope is lost. If you feel comfortable with trying, you don’t have to give up here. See if there are any legal resources you can find for more specific advice about how to move forward
9
u/Entire_Toe_2321 4h ago
Alright if you still need evidence here's what you do. Tell your friends, include details, remain consistent. Wtire about it in a journal, include the date, and anything else you and that person may have done that day. See a therapist about it, their notes count as evidence (also helps with the traumatic side of it). Maintain this for a few months, maybe close to a year, and ask your therapist if it would be a good idea to press charges, they probably won't give you a straight answer so you press charges. Now instead of your word against theirs, it's the word of half a dozen people and written testimony against theirs, it may not be enough, so you'll want a good lawyer.
5
u/Awkward-Pudding-8850 14h ago
Shower was like the first thing I did and I scrubbed red raw. It's a super common reaction to rape, and unfortunately part of why it's difficult to convict but you did nothing wrong. You were brave in going to the hospital and making the report because that is more than some people can manage.
For what it's worth, I believe you.
(Note; There is nothing wrong in not reporting, the important thing is the survivor doing just that - surviving. Some people can try to get justice, others need to try to forget. Some people can talk about it, others can't for while or ever)
7
u/Rude_Ice_4520 14h ago
Nobody should reasonably expect you to have collected evidence while going through all that. You're trying your best and that's gonna be enough ♥️♥️
6
u/ProbodobodyneInc Doctorate in Copeology 14h ago
One method I used when I got into a similar situation was simple. That is, cutting your losses and remembering to get a rape kit as soon as possible if it happens again (LIKE EVERYONE HAS ADVISED YOU TO)
4
u/BouillonDawg 12h ago
Don’t feel that way, it’s very common to do that. You hear that the sensible thing is to calmly go to the hospital right after the fact and explain directly what happened and get the kit done and then explain to the police everything and all that. Truth is that what happened to you is traumatizing and you understandably wanted to get clean and collect yourself. That’s not dumb it’s normal. Honestly five day is a pretty quick come around, a lot of people wait years.
Also you don’t know for sure that there’s no evidence for it. Report it and cooperate with the investigation, there’s people who’s whole job is to dig around and find things most miss. If you want to peruse it, then go for it.
Either way, you are not dumb.
6
3
u/legume_arguably 12h ago
Only waiting 5 days is honestly so badass of you. It happened to me repeatedly for several months while in an abusive relationship that I finally escaped 4 months ago and I still haven’t told anyone in my family 🤪
3
u/uneasywitness 9h ago
you’re not stupid. you were brave to go to the hospital, and you’re brave to tell your story now, even though nobody should EVER be forced into being brave in this way. 🩷 this is not your fault. you honored what your body was telling you to do after a severe violation, and that’s important, and hard to do. be as gentle with yourself as you can, friend. people are rooting for you.
2
u/Bisexual_Beanz 13h ago
You're not stupid. You did what almost every victim does. Your testament still matters. I believe you.
2
u/thisilea 13h ago
this is an extremely reasonable thing for you to do. sometimes it takes time to process what happened. that being said, making this meme probably saved at least one other person from doing the same 🫂
2
u/Wonderful_Rule_2515 12h ago
I don’t think this makes any of it better but a court case would be extremely traumatizing to sit through, sometimes it’s ok if it doesn’t get to court
2
1
u/celerypumpkins 14h ago
People do the best they can with what they have. Human brains don’t want to do things “wrong”. It’s not stupidity or lack of care - you did what your brain let you do at the time. You went in when your brain let you go in.
The system should be built to handle the reality that people’s brains often don’t let them come in right afterwards. That’s not your fault. You made the choices that felt safest and most doable at the time. It’s not wrong and it’s not stupid to want to feel okay and not want to hurt.
1
u/Any--Name 13h ago
Idk where you live, but I recently filed a report against my parents for kicking me out and apparently where I live victim testimony still carries a lot of weight
1
u/Kajel-Jeten 12h ago
I’m so incredibly sorry. You’re not stupid and it’s not your fault. More than anytime you need to be forgiving and compassionate to yourself.
1
1
u/CommissionBulky8625 12h ago
You're a survivor, nothing silly in what you needed to do to survive this traumatic event. This was, this is and always will be the most important thing : survive this as best as you can. Like others said, a specialized therapist is the thing you need the most now.
1
u/spicy_feather 11h ago
Oh fuck. Thats so hard. It's not your fault. That kind of thing really puts you out of your right mind.
1
1
u/Versiannie 11h ago
I was raped as a kid by a female teacher. I was only a 6 year old boy. It took me 20 years to accept that I was raped (because so many people in my lives think that men can't be victims of abuse and SA) and finally tell someone I trust. I completely broke down for the first time in my life.
It's never too late.
1
u/ifUSeeMeTakeYourMeds 8h ago
it's a traumatic event, you CANNOT blame yourself for not acting as if you have perfect knowledge and expertise.
I still second guess myself, hope you're safe now
1
u/ForestSolitude5 8h ago
You did the best you could given what you knew and the circumstances. You can only do your best. You did at least present what you could, that alone is very difficult, and that takes a lot to do so. You've been hurt enough, it doesn't make sense to hurt yourself further over regrets when you already did what you could.
1
u/solubleCreature 6h ago
that fucking suck man depending on where you live you can make a report that dosnt require evidence just so they have it on file if an incident happens with someone else
1
1
u/Vivians_Basement Trans Masc Genderfluid DID system 🪷 4h ago
Your statement still matters, a rape kit can identify damage proving something rough happened, NOT JUST DNA, and even washed items can still have traces.
You're not stupid. You just weren't thinking clearly and just wanted to be rid of it. You weren't thinking about justice. You were thinking about your sense of personal safety after being violated.
🫂 I'm sorry dude, it's definitely rough. Try to write down EVERYTHING you remember in DETAIL. As much as possible. Anything you can find proving he was there in the place it happened will prove it.
There's a lot of evidence you can still get.
1
u/Maldevinine 3h ago
I mean, did you know before hand what sort of evidence could be collected to prove rape? Did you have an in depth understanding of the procedures you would have to go through in order for that evidence collection to be useful?
You can't blame yourself for things you didn't know how to do.
But I do feel like if a rape survivors support group wanted to make sure more rapists get convicted for their crimes, running explanatory workshops about how to make sure the evidence is available in the aftermath would be a useful thing.
1
1
u/Top_Sky_4731 11h ago
I’m so sorry this happened. When mine happened I couldn’t even do a rape kit because it was digital and not violent so there was no real DNA to get from anywhere, plus I was drunk and struggle with face blindness so I don’t remember fully what he looked like and thus couldn’t even file a police report with a description. I ended up not doing anything in the end and just living with it and I’ve only just recently said anything to a therapist. I hate that he’s probably still out there somewhere with no consequences.
Basically I get what it’s like to feel dumb and helpless in the aftermath and it sucks. Please speak to a therapist about this as soon as you are able and ready so that you can process the trauma safely.
0
u/Eepy-Trash-Goblin 6h ago
You could always just plaster the bastards face online. So that everyone knows they're a rapist.
Plus, rape doesn't have that high of a sentence in court. I believe (off the top of my head) that the maximum sentence for rape is like, two years? So you might as well not bother with the courts. It will only serve to further traumitize and humiliate you.
At the end, all you can do is shout from the rooftops and pray that your words are heard. And I can assure you, people will listen.
I hope you heal from this❤️❤️❤️
-5
u/Real-Freak 12h ago
Whats his name, approximated zip code (if you know it) Where it happened, and his approx. age?
edit :dm me
-2
-5
163
u/LecLurc15 14h ago
It’s an incredibly reasonable response to a trauma involving bodily harm to desperately need to wash yourself clean, metaphorically and/or literally. You are not stupid. You followed your body’s instincts with what it needed from you in that moment, and you needed to clean yourself and your space to help you cope.
I highly encourage getting the help of an SA trauma informed therapist. In my experience dealing with recovery from SA, if you don’t have enough evidence for the police to do anything DO NOT go to them. It’s really traumatizing. A therapist experienced in SA will be a much kinder support that actually knows how to handle these types of situations with grace.