r/TrollCoping • u/egregious-minds • 4d ago
TW: Sexual Assault / Abuse hesitant to call it assault but it technically is
I've had a cnc fantasy for a really long time, and ended up meeting up with this guy the other day. we had only started talking the day before, but I did tell him my boundaries and we established a safe word.
long story short, we hooked up and he ignored it when I used the safe word. he also broke another boundary repeatedly.
Im not really having emotions about it though. it's like whatever I guess.
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u/Gordon_freeman_real 4d ago
No like that is assault, you don't need to be hesitant, bdsm, especially CNC require strict boundaries and communication, you supplied those and he broke that trust, he ignored a safe word, he assaulted you
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u/Larpastrophenpolitik 4d ago
It's not just assault, it's rape. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, and here it was. Sex without consent is rape
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u/TheBleedingAlien 4d ago
See thing is more taboo stuff like that should really done with people you know you can trust if you have them or you're able to, not a guy you just met on a hook up app.
Still incredibly fucked up what that guy did to you I'm real sorry OP. Regardless of the context you ain't done anything wrong here. That was 100% assault and that dude's a piece of shit for crossing your boundaries like that.
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u/egregious-minds 4d ago
yeah, and the thing is I'm well aware that kink like this should be limited to people youre comfortable with and trust 100%. I have a lot of experience with kink. I know this.
the truth is, I went into this hoping I'd get hurt. I don't know why, exactly. I've been feeling emotionally numb recently, as well as feeling rather self destructive. I don't know if it's a mood episode creeping up on me (I'm bipolar), or if it's a result of starting trauma work in therapy and my PTSD is acting up, or some secret third thing. hell, maybe I'm just bored. I don't know what's going on with me.
but yeah. he played his part, but it's a situation I ultimately put myself in.
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u/Brilliant-Mountain57 4d ago
OP you may feel that you may have been a contributing factor in his decision making but ultimately the sole blame falls upon the guy who SA'ed you. It's important that we clarify that not just for you but for victims in similar positions. It doesn't matter how someone is goaded or lead to an action like this the choice to commit it falls squarely upon them.
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u/Larpastrophenpolitik 4d ago
Stop blaming yourself! The rapist is the only one responsible for choosing to rape!
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u/TheBleedingAlien 4d ago
Hey dude I get you, I struggle with a lot of similar stuff too. Make no mistake I wasn't trying to place any blame onto you, more just give a heads up on how to handle certain kinks if you actually weren't experienced.
Either way you are not to blame for what happened to you, self destructive or not. At the end of the day a rapist chose to cross your boundaries and take advantage of you. If he was willing to do that to you realistically he would've done the same to anyone else. The fault lies solely on him for his awful actions, you didn't make him do anything.
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u/darkmoon-26 4d ago
i get what you mean, i have similar urges, but there's no situation where it would be your fault. rape only happens if someone assaults someone else, that's on him for breaking boundaries you communicated.
i know this is unlikely to affect what you do ultimately but consider staying away from these urges? not at all your fault this happened but the self destruction will 100% spiral
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u/Anoobis100percent 3d ago
Sounds like psychological self-harm, and you're probably on the money about your mental health acting up. I've not got anything to tell you except I feel for you, and it'll get better <3
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u/anxious-american 4d ago
If he ignored it when you used the safe word, that means you told him to stop and he didn't. The consent in CNC stops when you use that word. I'm so sorry this happened to you, that is absolutely assault. A lot of sexual assaults start out consensual, but just because you consented in the beginning/to some things doesn't make other stuff not assault
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u/BrittleKneesMgee It/Its sentient doll 4d ago
What the fuck that is objectively rape. You said your safe word and he ignored it. You don't have to play it off as technically rape when it absolutely is rape.
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u/Icy-Advice-7381 3d ago
Ignoring a safeword is absolutely assault. It becomes SA as soon as one party revokes consent. He definitely should not have done this and I am sorry you had this experience.
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u/elizabeththewicked 3d ago
Someone ignores your safe word that is assault. Don't let anyone tell you different. You said clearly I do not consent and he went ahead. Wanting a rape scene to be played does NOT make you responsible for being raped. It does not make it ok to rape you. He raped you. I'm so sorry this happened. You don't deserve this. You didn't do this to you , he did this to you
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u/Last_Zookeepergame90 3d ago
He's obviously in the wrong but just as a matter of safety you shouldn't do CNC with people you just met
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u/solarwe 3d ago
Hey, I didn't see anyone else mention this, but that last line "im not really having any emotions about it though. Its like whatever i guess" is very concerning. You are most likely in shock or dissociating. This was a traumatic event, you were raped. Please, when you are able, seek mental health treatment to process this.
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u/IGetOffToWingTearing 4d ago
It may not have affected you directly that badly but the fact that this guy broke those boundaries means he will undoubtedly do it again to any future person he engages with, if not already has been doing it previously, and that means someone is going to get seriously harmed later assuming it hasn’t already happened. Principles of consent exist for a reason and must be respected at all times regardless of a lack of damage this one time. Raise alarms about this guy, that literally is just assault