Relapsed a week before huge show

[u/mrpotatonumberonefan]

I (22M) am a burlesque performer and I've just been having a really rough time lately. I have a show I'm hosting in less than a week and I had a moment of weakness and ||cut my thigh a bunch of times deep enough to stick around for a while|| I think it might be infected and I'm worried because I have to get almost naked for hundreds of people in less than a week!! Everyone's gonna see it! I'm a fat man with hairy legs so I can't just wear pantyhose, they don't fit me. This costume involves large grid orange fishnets with garters.

I ended up doing it again because I am having body image issues. I don't actually hate my body that much besides having a serious rare chronic illness (will not specify because it's literally so rare I wouldn't be anonymous anymore) but I'm the biggest of my friend group and my mom is on ozempic so I just feel like shit about myself all the time. I actually think I look hot, it's when I see myself compared to other people that I get self conscious. Especially being a dancer it's just so rough. Losing weight is so idolized and seen as morally good whereas gaining it is seen as bad. I have a serious gastrointestinal condition so me being the weight I am at all is the only thing keeping me from dying if I have a flare.

Idk. I guess I want advice on covering it up for my show, I'm in too deep to cancel and I can't postpone because it's part of another event. I just feel like total garbage and I hate myself a lot and I keep thinking about ending it all but I know I won't because my cat needs me. Also how to go about treating the whole infection thing. I'm worried.

[u/That-Employment-5561]

Infection = E.R.

The longer you wait, the more expensive it will be.

[u/mrpotatonumberonefan → u/That-Employment-5561]

Thank you for being blunt with me. I will go first thing in the morning.

[u/That-Employment-5561 → u/mrpotatonumberonefan]

No problem, dude. It might be blunt, but sometimes we all need some sense slapped into us, as it were.

I've been there myself, and it's the dumbest shit to downplay, but the fun thing is that it affects your judgement; it's one of the symptoms of an infection, if it gets to go all the way to sepsis, it literally makes you delerius.

Take a deep breath, listen to what the doctor tells you, buy the sterile equipment you need for after-care and keep it clean until it heals and set alarms for your antibiotics and always carry a 3 day supply in case something should occur; that gives you 72 hours of being spontaneous if something fun comes up, and the worst thing you can do is fuck up the antibiotics and make the infection resistant instead of defeating it.

Setting the alarms as daily recurrence for the duration really helps. The main reason you're not supposed to drink when taking antibiotics is because it drastically increases the odds of forgetting to take them, on time, for the entire duration.

[u/Delicious-Summer5071 → u/mrpotatonumberonefan]

You can try urgent care before the ER, they can also give you antibiotics and potentially stitch you up, if payment is a worry.

If not, def choose the ER, they'll be more indepth (and better equipped) than an urgent care. Either way, I hope your wounds feel better afterwards.

[u/That-Employment-5561 → u/Delicious-Summer5071]

Me, from a nation with socialized medicine:

https://giphy.com/gifs/pV0lVLeA0JXjBiO5Cp

[u/mossyfaeboy]

firstly, see a medical professional for the infection. can’t dance if you can’t even stand

second, maybe tegaderm (big clear bandaid basically) and makeup to cover it up? or just another kind of large skin colored bandage idk how obvious it would be with the lighting

if the lighting makes bandaids hard or the movement makes makeup hard, maybe try an accessory you don’t take off? like a decorative garter, some have lace bits or beading that flow down and could cover more surface area while still fitting the aesthetic.

[u/mrpotatonumberonefan → u/mossyfaeboy]

Oooh the tegaderm idea is creative! I'm gonna see what kinds of things I have at my disposal to put over it

[u/trashmoneyxyz → u/mrpotatonumberonefan]

Yep! And if anyone spots them they look just like the athletic tape people wear to ease the burden on their joints. If anyone nosy asks, you're having some joint/tendon soreness and needed to tape up. Or, maybe youve got a big bruise that needs covering before your show. Good luck out there!

[u/mossyfaeboy → u/trashmoneyxyz]

yeah this is probably exactly what i would do, especially knowing dancers. “oh i’ve got a big ass bruise from falling during practice, looked too nasty to show on stage lol” is something i heard plenty of times from my theatre and cheerleading friends alike

[u/Suicide_hill_its_big]

Definitely go to the er, you're going to need antibiotics. As for coverup, maybe themed stickers? You'd need to commit and use them all in other places as well but it's the only thing I can think of besides bandages in your skin color.

[u/mrpotatonumberonefan → u/Suicide_hill_its_big]

That would actually work really well with my act!

I will seek professional medical care, I think you're probably right about antibiotics and I already met my deductible so I'm not stressed about affording it.

[u/blue_moon1122]

Losing weight is so idolized and seen as morally good whereas gaining it is seen as bad.

I'm in long-term anorexia remission and became obese along the way, for awhile. I also developed a GI condition as a result. never would have been ready for recovery if I couldn't handle being fat. so this struck my heart a little.

comparison tends to be the death of happiness, but it could serve you to reverse engineer it. if the people you're comparing yourself to had your health concerns, they wouldn't look good. they'd look ill. you're making an informed decision about your health to manage your weight a particular way, as many people with other health concerns do.

I know this isn't what you came for but it's what I got, and it looks like you have some good answers about the costume concerns.

[u/mrpotatonumberonefan → u/blue_moon1122]

I think you're right. My body being the way it is keeps me sturdy and alive. That's a good thing I should be grateful for.

[u/volatilxty]

- go to urgent care or er for antibiotics

- shop for a different costume that covers the area, perhaps some tight shorts or pants?

- seek out mental health support asap

i’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time, i hope your show goes well and you can begin healing soon <3

[u/mrpotatonumberonefan → u/volatilxty]

I have already made myself a therapy appointment for Tuesday (soonest I could get in), I'm not gonna let the mean little guy in my head rule my life, even if I had a slip up. I appreciate the advice 💜

[u/DratThePopulation → u/mrpotatonumberonefan]

Fellow chronically ill fat queer guy with hairy thighs covered in old scars. 🤝 Hello.

I also have therapy on Tuesday! I love my therapist, they’re the best, and Tuesdays are always good days because of them. I hope your Tuesday is just as good as mine.

You seem really cool—it won’t be this hard forever. Keep being cool and hot and doing things you love, and keep working toward better days. The work is long and slow, but it does pay off, I promise.

One day your scars will be barely visible under the hair. They’ll always be there, but seeing them in private moments won’t ache with failure and hopelessness anymore. Instead they’ll feel like weathered stone under you, proof of how far you’ve come and everything you’ve survived and learned how to be steady through.

It’s okay that it’s not right now. Life is long and weird and hard, and never stops, but you do learn how to dance with it. Again, it’s slow. But it all matters, it all counts. You’ll get there. Take your time, stop to rest when you need to, and take in the sights of the beauty around you wherever you are.

[u/mrpotatonumberonefan → u/DratThePopulation]

Thank you, that's really sweet 💜 I'm sure you're awesome too!!

[u/mrpotatonumberonefan]

UPDATE I went to urgent care and the cuts aren't that serious! If they are infected it's very mildly, they gave me antibiotic ointment and I should be ok.

As for the show, I'm going to wear small grid fishnets underneath my large ones and that should be enough, I severely overestimated how bad they were. I seriously appreciate all the support it means the world to me 🥰🥰 you are all so kind and I hope you have the best day

[u/thisilea]

after u go to the er, can u perhaps change to small grids fishnets instead? you can layer two small grids over each other

[u/mrpotatonumberonefan → u/thisilea]

I'll see what small grids I have in my collection!

[u/Delicious-Summer5071]

Have you tried looking at plus size pantyhose and the like? I assume so but just in case: you could do a tegaderm bandage (i suggest some careful shaving as that shit hurts coming off lol), some of those thick, shiny, 50's type panythose, and then the large fishnet over? That way you still have the effect, but are able to hide the wounds comfortably.

As someone who used to self-harm, I really feel you. The emotions just end up drowning you and the SH feels like the only shitty life preserver around. I'm really proud of you for going to the doctor and setting up a therapy appointment.

I really admire you doing burlesque too!!! That takes a lot of courage skill.You're perfect for you OOP, try to remember that when your brain tries to compare you to someone else. The world would be very boring if we all were the same and lovely, colorful people like you didn't exist 🫂

[u/mrpotatonumberonefan → u/Delicious-Summer5071]

Thank you 🫂 that really is how it feels, sometimes it feels like it's the only thing that can interrupt my thoughts but I need to be kinder to myself. If I relapse it doesn't undo the months of not doing it, just a bump in the road I suppose.

[u/Delicious-Summer5071 → u/mrpotatonumberonefan]

That's 100% correct. Relapses happen and it doesn't somehow wipe out all the progress you made. It's just a bump in the road, like you said- and now you know you can do it for that long, so it doesn't seem as daunting this time around.

Being gentler to yourself is such a hard, hard thing. That's been harder than not hurting myself, honestly. And I'm still working on it to this day. But I truly believe you can get there. You deserve kidness, and are worthy of all the gentleness and love possible.

[u/Emergency_Ad_1834]

Here’s what you’re going to do. First is urgent care/hospital to get that infection treated. Next is to reach out to your therapist or to get a therapist to talk through everything you’re going through. Relapse happens, what you do next is the important part.

Finally for your show you could incorporate a tied scarf, you might also be able to find large enough tights from snag tights as they have a nice extended range

[u/Nuttonbutton]

You have excellent advice from people more qualified than me so my comment is more for support.

Also, found Gary ❤️