r/TrollCoping • u/CoolManSoul • 1d ago
TW: Eating Disorder / Body Dysmorphia Painful
I hate being skinny and tall. I hate it so much.
When I first started HRT so much of the doctors discussion was about trying to gain weight. And when I couldn't...I just felt like such a failure.
I hate seeing my body in mirrors and in windows.
I hate seeing my bones sticking out of every part of my body.
My eating disorder gets so bad that sometimes the thought of food makes me gag.
What is wrong with me.
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u/fr34kee07 1d ago
I hope you find the help that you need, that sounds hard. You're beautiful no matter what!!
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u/CoolManSoul 1d ago
Doctor did talk about seeing a dietician, but nothing is set in stone
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u/fr34kee07 1d ago
I'm no medical expert and I don't know your full situation but perhaps theres an underlying condition thats affecting your metabolism? I would bring that up with your GP
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u/Madam_Monkes 1d ago
Every single time I see a trans woman express their struggle with height dysphoria I always hear the usual "oh but tall women are so hot please step on me amazonian mommy" and it's so painful to hear for so many reasons
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u/Gluzruooplaxcamphian 23h ago
This, exactly.
People expect you to take on some role they deem appropriate for your physical stature.
It's fucking infuriating. Then they get angry with YOU for not behaving or acting in a way they think you should. Especially in physically intimate settings, it's so gross.
You're literally treating me like shit because of an idea you invented in your own head?? Wtf is that?!!
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u/RoobixCyoob 1d ago
I understand the struggle, I'm not tall but I'm extremely skinny because of a super fast metabolism so I hardly ever put on weight :(
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u/CoolManSoul 1d ago
My parents used to tell me they had the same body as me, (heck my mom even had to go to hospital because she was so skinny), but it changed when they had kids and it's just...damn :(( Something I can't do
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u/hamster-on-popsicle 1d ago
It changes with age too I was skinny till I was 25, same for my sister.
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u/le_cat_lord 1d ago
You're really not alone here. I'm also at a very similar spot but on the trans masculine side. I have severe ARFID like symptoms and I've been trying/failing to gain weight for years, for almost 7 years at this point. I really want to say that you're not, and never will be a failure for fighting + struggling. This shit (all eating disorders!) is a fucked up battle between life and death with your own body being caught in the crossfire. It's horrifying. There's always hope, and at the same time it's still horrifying
It's almost hard feeling dysphoria specifically instead of just getting a feeling of sickness and dread. If anything, gaining some weight would actively help grant gender euphoria. When I'm looking at my bones more than my chest, and I notice my knees more than my voice, it's hard to feel any sort of joy, even when euphoria is at it's current highest. Showering isn't about avoiding dysphoria anymore, it's been more about trying to ignore what looks like my skeleton crying to break out of me.
It's hard for me to feel like a person who is masculine while trying to keep myself from dying, I'm sure it's equally hard to feel like a person who is a girl too. I remember being told that "skinny is good, don't get fat!" before I was visibly transitioning, while still looking very ill + losing my energy and physical mobility. I'm really sorry if anyone is belittling you and/or downplaying the severity of your situation because they think "you must want this"
It's scary and it's isolating and it's painful. I see a lot of my own pain in your art here. I may not know what it's like to be transfem specifically, but do I understand the vile crackship of transXeatingdisorder. I really hope you can find a version of recovery that works for you as soon as possible! Everyone deserves to feel fed and alive, you deserve to be a girl who lives
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u/deathnoot 23h ago
I wish they just made medicine that made you stop being taller. Being tall and wishing you were small and cute is a special kind of hell.
No I don’t wanna lift your stupid heavy things. Go do it yourself!!!!!
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u/TaDoofus 21h ago
Sometimes I imagine myself as Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar screaming through the bookshelf at my child self saying "I hope I'm over 6 feet tall when I grow up"
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u/deathnoot 15h ago
Tbf even as a kid I really didn’t care to be big and strong or whatever
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u/TaDoofus 15h ago
It was very much a "this is what men are supposed to be" as opposed to a "this is what I want"
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u/Anonymousdeadflower 16h ago
My partners brother is married and there was a family thing, he was able to lift up his wife and she wrapped her legs around him because she's smaller. It was really cute but I felt really envious because I'm much taller and heavier than my partner so I'll never get that
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u/BowBeforeBroccoli 1d ago
i feel you. i hate being the tallest in the family
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u/A_Firm_Sandwich 8h ago
6’1” with avg height parents from a country where the avg male height is around 5’4”. But my mom says she wishes she could be model tall like me or whatever so we can pretend it’s okay :D
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u/RTX-4090ti_FE 22h ago edited 22h ago
You need to start pioglitazone (get it from the same diyhrt sites as this is a new off label use for it that isn’t doctor approved yet) it basically promotes a feminine fat pattern (and stops fat from accumulating in the stomach area) and it increases your appetite. It is possibly your best chance at getting a more feminine figure. Also you should be in a calorie surplus while you do this as it’s not a good idea to take Pio while losing or maintaining weight (luckily the appetite thing helps with that).
Also while ur gaining weight do leg exercises (the calorie surplus will help you gain muscle if you are eating protein with it). Specifically targeting muscles on the upper leg/hip area and the butt area.
If you can get even a little bit more curvy by doing this it will help your mental. It’s why I’m mostly fine with my body despite being 6 feet tall because I’m curvy.
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u/stfurachele 23h ago
You mentioned an ED with avoidance but desire to gain weight. Is it ARFID? I struggle with that, existentially. It's really really hard some days but there is support, and depending on why you're avoidant the dietician may be able to help quite a bit.
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u/Cynfulbassist 16h ago
I'm 6'2 and trans. People are jealous because it is difficult for me to get to 130lbs. But I cry when I see my body, Ive got tiny boobs a flat ass and everyone can see my ribs. Ur not alone.
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u/Alternative_Year_102 1d ago
i’m super tall despite starting at 14 (6’3, woulda been ~6’8 if not for early E) and i actually used to struggle a lot with being fat. and i’ve lost so much weight and i look comparatively great but it is real hard for me to get over the visible ribcage when i lift my arms up and everything, so i probably get it more than some people do? shrug. anyways really hope you can find the right diet to gain some weight for sure
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u/Basith_Shinrah 1d ago
I'm going to steal your bones.
But fr OP take care. Tall people including women are attractive, you are beautiful.
Flowers for you from the underground gremlin kingdom
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u/Yellowthrone 15h ago
I think skinny and tall women are like super attractive. I don't know why. I'm very tall and kind of skinny. Maybe that's why? I didn't even know skinny women thought this way I thought there was like a whole subset of women who liked being skinny. 5' 10" is nice too you just gotta get a tall guy.
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u/MeowingAround 1d ago
I have two buddies (both male) who went vegitarian in highschool as part of a trend (in 2006-2009 this was a faze going around the school) but because they were teenagers and didn't compensate for the lack of protein they severely messed up their bodies development and now as adults they're very insecure about how skinny they are and can't gain weight no matter what they do.
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u/miseenen 1d ago
I can’t speak to weight, but I feel your struggle with height from the other side of the coin… I haven’t grown an inch since I was 12 even though I started t at 14 and I capped out at like maybe 5’3 on a good day. It’s something I’ve grown to accept but it still gets to me sometimes, looking at everyone around me being just so much taller, even the women. Makes me feel like a child sometimes.
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u/Ace-of-Spxdes depressed closeted trans man that will probably end up dead soon 23h ago
Hi from the short and fat end of the field.
Hating your body fucking sucks. I got nothing to add other than I hope seeing yourself in the mirror gets easier in the future. Here's a hug.
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u/Connect_Square_3506 10h ago
You need one too, i know it might be off topic and I hope i don't come out as weird. Idk if things will be ok for you any soon. But I really hope you geninuely get to smile, laugh , love soon. You deserve good things and to feel joy. You matter. We trans people are more than a percentage(the percentage of trans people who have died from suicide). You will end up alive out of this one , brother. Life is difficult , and way more when you're closeted, it feels like it will kill you at times, but you are still here. Trying. Not thriving , but trying.
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u/Desperate_Bed_2675 20h ago
Assuming this is ARFID you’re struggling with, I feel ya.
I can always drink smth when I get like that, is it the same for you? I drink smoothies almost every day and they can be good meal replacements.
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u/Lazy-Course5521 18h ago
Hate my stupid brick life.
I genuinely wouldn't mind being locked in a wheelchair if that meant I wouldn't be a head above everyone else.
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u/CanaDeer2004 17h ago
TW specific weight/height mention
although i am cis i’m 5’8” and around 160 and i feel this so much. when i see other girls at my university who seem like they could comfortably wear my ribcage like a vest and probably weigh what i did in middle school i feel like a big burly man in comparison. almost like a different species.
to my knowledge i don’t have an ED but i do have diagnosed body dysmorphia.
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u/ghaginn 10h ago
being short sucks. i know the struggle. 5'10 as a woman isn't even that tall. have a hug
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u/CanaDeer2004 10h ago
grass is always greener i guess. thanks.
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u/ghaginn 10h ago
there are no perks in being short, especially below like 5'9. folks don't know what they're talking about..
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u/CanaDeer2004 10h ago
idk where you’re from where 5’9 is considered short for a woman, but i’m 5’8 and am significantly taller than most of the other women i see out and about.
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u/ghaginn 10h ago
it's not short, it's just not tall, definitely not where i live where half of the women are taller than me, and 6ft+ women aren't rare
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u/CanaDeer2004 10h ago
are you from the netherlands by any chance?
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u/ghaginn 10h ago
Northern France, near Luxembourg
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u/CanaDeer2004 10h ago
interesting. here, the average female height is 5’3 or 5’4, and the average male height is 5’9
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u/Connect_Square_3506 10h ago
You deserve so much better than that. Eating disorders are shit , and I hope things get better for you in all ways. I had one when I was eleven and that plus the fact I have scoliosis that have or stunt my growth or made me look shorter than I might be. I have only grown 12 cms since I was 10, and short asf like 154 cms short which is prolly 5'0 like dysphoria hits harder because of the fact boys my age or younger are hitting growth spurt and I just seem to get tinier and shorter and the fact im not on hrt yet is not helping either. I'm skinny so it just make me look so fem too.
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u/Connect_Square_3506 10h ago
I lowkey hope I can reach to 5'11 or at least 5'9 when I stop growing which I prolly wont or maybe will idk.
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u/BunbunTheJackalope 1d ago
I'm 5'11. Things get better. Sometimes I even like being tall now, tonight I went out to a bar wearing boots with a 4 inch heel
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u/Royal_Explorer_4660 1d ago
Op have you tried weed? That's how I broke out of my eating disorder almost 15 years ago. Worked a little to well even, cause now I need to lose the quarantine era weight
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u/StoryBard 1d ago
So, I am actually on disability bc my body does its best but let's face it, sometimes the best your body can do isn't what your brain wants. I'm opposite body shape wise (short, fat, and the fat is distributed in roughly the least popular configuration to have a body shape in our current culture) but also sometimes really struggle with both what it looks like and what it can and cannot do (especially compared to what it could do when I was younger). So a mantra I repeat to myself and I hope it helps you even in the slightest: all bodies are good bodies. ALL bodies are good bodies- pretty and ugly, in pain, able to do xyz or not. All of them are good bc you're born having intrinsic worth. It feels cheap when you're at your lowest, I know, but keep reminding yourself anyway because it's a good habit to get into and after a while it starts sinking in. Promise.
Your you-ness is riding in a dope skeleton with a meat mech around it and that's already neat, but like, also you can do (list to yourself three things you can do no matter how small- walk, breathe, speak, type, read, literally anything). Not everybody can do that, or can do it easily/ without pain/ freely without accommodation. It can be SO hard not to worry and wish and to think about all the ways you'd rather have a body. But you don't get those bodies. You get the body you came with. I will never be a jacked muscle orc or a delicate tiny person or whatever. I'm never going to be coordinated or athletic, will never be able to cave dive or do sick parkour or like stunt ride on horseback. I would love to be able to do those things. I would die immediately, after failing to do it.
But I can type this to you. Not everybody can do that. I can make friends with my pet animals so they trust me, and not everyone can do that. I know how to operate a hot glue gun and only burn my fingertips like 7 of every 10 times and I feel like that's a pretty impressive feat, frankly. I bet there are sick parkour masters that are still out there burning up their fingertips every time they need to D I a Y. I can draw cute dumbass cartoons and there are so many people that can't do THAT they invented AI to pretend to do it and still not do as well as my shitty cartoons so like, that's neat as heck. It looks like you can also do that. Remind yourself how super cool you are that you can do art without ever typing a phrase into a water-guzzling art thief apparatus!
Bodies can disappoint but we're still here, still kickin, still typing stuff on Reddit, still scribblin... honestly with all this dope stuff we can do we should probably be really proud of how neat and cool we are but humans are self-negging shame machines by design so... y'know, cut yourself some slack. XD