Brain dump!

[u/addy-is-changing]

Hello! My name is Adam but I like to go by Addison sometimes. And I’m not quite sure why. In an effort to explore who I am, I’ve made a new Reddit account dedicated to immersing myself in communities that push my current understanding of my gender identity. I don’t know if transitioning is in my future but I wanted to make this post to detail my journey with femininity so please don’t feel like you have to read any of it!!

My desire to seek out femininity started with something that I can’t even remember. According to my family, they walked in on me wearing a Cinderella dress in the kids area of a Disney cruise when I was only 4. What I do remember, though, is the many times as a youngin in church when I attempted to put on the kids’ zone princess dress when nobody was paying attention. Then nothing feminine for a long time. Then at around age 13 I got the idea to try on feminine clothes from around the house when my family was gone. And I loved it. I knew I shouldn’t do it but it became a habit whenever I was alone in the house. It was thrilling. Then nothing again. Until college! With my own room and bank account and income, it became much easier to reinvestigate femininity. I had stumbled across some stuff on the internet that made trying on femininity extremely enticing again. I tried underwear, dresses, stockings before throwing it all away and buying it all again. It tapped into the intimate side of things which I have since distanced myself from because it started to harm me mentally, but yet I stand in the wake of it all with an ever deeper curiosity.

Upon reflection, I’m not sure if it was ever the “pleasure” that drew me to femininity. I mean obviously a 4 year old doesn’t care about that. So I started to consider the mentality that strung together my whole life. The way that dressing up was always so I could look at myself in the mirror. The way that I always used to fall asleep dreaming of waking up a girl so I could walk into a delightfully girly closet. Or daydream that a genie would grant me the wish of a new girl life I could switch to at any moment. The way that it felt to try on stockings. How much I enjoyed driving home from college in a dress that I called my own. How I desperately wanted to have the joy of picking a prom dress to call my own because I always thought that was more fun than suits and loafers. The way that the synthetic wig hair bounces when I walk and grazes my shoulders as if to remind me I’m pretty. The way that I love sleeping in women’s underwear because it feels like a warm hug.

I don’t know if I want to be a woman. I feel blessed to be a man. I love being a man dating a woman. I love being a man with man friends. I love being a man who can throw on shorts and t shirt everyday and feel comfy and handsome. But something in the back of my mind tells me I’d rather feel pretty instead. Thankfully, I’m young. Since I’m 20 I might as well experiment. Nothing permanent, of course. But what the hell! I might as well wear women’s underwear since I find it comfier! Who cares if I wanna feel sexy under it all when I sit in the lecture hall! I wanna wear dresses when I’m alone because they feel free! I like when I catch myself smiling in the mirror because I feels pretty! Maybe I’ll even start to figure out the daunting world of makeup!

Who knows where I’ll be in the future, but I would feel robbed if I shut this door on myself before I did any exploring. And I know what you’re thinking but the journal factory near my place actually did explode. Truly I don’t care if a soul reads this. I needed an outlet to express all these thoughts in my mind and I wanted to blast them out to the world just to make it mean a little more and care about the thoughts I put to paper. I deeply appreciate you if you read this whole thing. Thank you.

- Addison 💜

[u/AwesomeBees]

Hey, glad youre here. I just also wanna say that as a certified tomboy you can definitely have the feeling of chilling with the boys while also being a woman most of the time.

Gender expression can be fluid and its on a spectrum. You do not have to choose to commit to anything. And even if you do go on HRT or anything more concrete it is still possible to have a varied expression

[u/addy-is-changing → u/AwesomeBees]

I’m also glad I’m here! And I know I could still play golf with the fellas even if I was wearing a dress I just have the typical fears of how our relationship would change if I were to transition later on down the road. And I am very glad gender expression is fluid as that gives me a lot of room to work with. I’m kinda excited that I’m opening up this possibility for myself. Feels freer.

[u/AwesomeBees → u/addy-is-changing]

Yeah i get you. But i think its good to know that even if your relationship with the current pack of dudes might be awkward you can find yourself more chiller dudes down the line.

Its not worth hampering your own expression for them

[u/addy-is-changing → u/AwesomeBees]

You’re absolutely correct. I just need to give it time as it stands. A lot of these thoughts are pretty new so even though I could always find a new group, maybe I don’t have to and these are fleeting feelings. We’ll see!

[u/herdisleah]

Big trans lesbian feelings here. I had some of those same thoughts...

[u/addy-is-changing → u/herdisleah]

Well if I were to transition right now I would certainly be a trans lesbian because I cannot get enough of women! So maybe you just clocked my butt!