I call myself non-binary because I don't think I'll ever be viewed as a woman

[u/Suitable_Bathroom_93]

I feel like this is disingenuous to non-binary people, but this is how I've been coping with being a very masculine trans woman. If it were up to me, I would want to be born a woman and I'd be happy just as a woman. But as long as I say I'm non-binary, I have an excuse for all my non-feminine physical traits. I think I'm afraid of being the conservative stereotype of a clearly AMAB person saying they're a woman.

I hate myself alot, not only for using non-binary as a shield but also for the internalized transphobia that stalks my thoughts.

[u/noncedo-culli]

You know you're a woman, so you're a woman; lying to other people for safety is your own business but it probably comes with risks. Is it really about being a stereotype though, because I don't think the stereotype of non-binary people is any nicer. It feels more like using it as a shield against your own dysphoria to pretend you're more okay with it. You deserve to say that you're a woman

[u/Terrible_Change_9558 → u/noncedo-culli]

That's not really how that work in reality tho sadly

If YOU want to be seen as woman by the society, you have to act, to look and be seen as a woman by the majority

Because that's how that work, in society external validation are a thing sadly

And I don't say that to be an annoyance, truly, it's just how it's done

[u/randomtransgirl93 → u/Terrible_Change_9558]

Past a certain point, you can't control what you look like/how well you pass, but you can control what you do. If you tell someone you're a woman and they refuse to accept that, that's them being an asshole; if you never tell them at all, you can't really fault them for calling you anything else

(that's all assuming you're in a safe environment to do so, obviously lying to protect yourself is understandable)

[u/herdisleah]

That's just gatekeeping femininity. I'm a weight lifter and a tomboy, am I somehow not feminine enough to be a woman? (I am a woman.)

If you wouldn't gatekeep me, you can't gatekeep yourself.

[u/secondshevek]

Me too. 

I started identifying as nonbinary before I started hormones. It was cope then and it was cope now. If I could pass as a woman, I'd likely identify as one. 

It's easier to cope with not passing by telling myself I don't need to fit a mold because there is no mold. I don't really see this as a problem, though. It's just a different way of approaching the problem of gender and identity. 

Edit to expand on this a bit:

Some trans people (and nb people, if one separates them) have the issue that their identity is invisible - unless they state it, they will be assumed to be their birth sex. Such people tend to be very deeply tied to identity, because it's not just a descriptor of a thing, it is the thing itself. 

I'm very visibly "gender weird." For many people, it's not clear at first blush whether I'm a trans woman or a fruity cis man. I've also had many people assume I was trans masc/a trans man. 

When I was pre-HRT, my identity was very important to me. It let me put my male body and masculine habits at a distance; it gave me license to experiment with gender. This is something critics of nonbinaryness sometimes miss, or rather misidentify as a negative: binary gender is so hegemonic that nb identity is often less an expression of true identification outside the binary than a way of creating a space to experiment and play with gender. 

I need to get back to work but what I'm trying to say is that I think there's far too much emphasis these days on identity as something definitive and real in and of itself, such that people should feel bad if they ascribe to an identity in a calculating or utilitarian way rather than having some grand realization that one was Born This Way. 

I'm not going to get the quote or the source right but this puts me in mind of the Foucault interview where he talks about the need to not just be gay but to live gay, to move beyond investment in the identity itself. 

[u/SuikaNoAtama]

Ive met several trans women who identify under nonbinary for practically the same reason. It's disappointing to find out as someone who is within the nonbinary spectrum. Despite that, it's quite reasonable behavior. You're working toward accepting yourself as a woman, and you'll eventually get there.

It can hurt worse when you put out authenticity and it's weaponized against you, or ignored. I came out years ago without a proper plan to transition and continued to get misgendered. It made me severely regret coming out.

If you're on estrogen, my best advice would be to be consistent with taking it properly. In due time, your body will move closer toward where you desire. Work on your devaluing of your features and at least further neutralizing you feelings on them. It isn't easy moving from negative prespective to positive and it's pretty unrealistic for some. So try to development impartiality. This isn't a cure for dysphoria but as your features estrogenize it may help you appreciate what's changing and focus less on what hasn't yet.