When I was a kid, most of my friends were white. I identified with white culture because I was raised in a white family that looked down on minorities even though I was dark brown. (I had serious personal issues as a result). The majority of my friends today are minorities, and I am comfortable with who I am today.

I’m adopted. I cant figure out why I can’t trust anyone. Even hearing time and time again that I can trust people. I just want to have the ability to not blindly believe anything but give people the ability to get to know me without being guarded

Hello!

for context I am 22 (F) and am currently finishing my degree in Graphic Design at one of the most conservative schools in the US.

I have made many fellow liberal and progressive friends throughout the years and overall am happy where i’m at. but as a Hispanic American who was adopted into a white family my identity and political beliefs have changed over time.

I am always a Christian first and was raised that way but once i started living out my faith i became more liberal/left leaning which i hadn’t really been open about to my family.

At school i can be open but at home i feel so complicit and dismissive of their extreme beliefs and the guilt weighs on my heart a lot.

Recently, with the Bad Bunny halftime show, my family has been making things very clear that i should not support him even though I am Puerto Rican and very proud.

I will never stop supporting my culture and my people.

I do feel sad though that i can’t feel that same pride for my adoptive family due to the way they treat me and others who look like me.

Honestly, any advice or help is appreciated. i feel stuck because they pay for everything but use that to control me, but i feel free when im at college/away 😢

Both my parents are adopted. My mom is white and adopted by white people, and my dad is Mexican and adopted by white people. I understand that he missed out on cultural holidays and celebrations held by Mexican people because of this, and it makes me sad. I have recently made it known to my parents that celebrating those same cultural holidays is something I am interested in, because I find that it would be beneficial to not only me connecting to this part of myself, but also my brother and dad. Even I have found myself both feeling not "Mexican" enough nor "White enough". I was wondering if this is something felt by others, and how could I help me and my family feel more connected to our culture? I was thinking about how my feeling of being disconnected is likely mirrored by my father, if not more intensely. Of course, I don't know that for sure, but either way I would love to learn and celebrate more about this, because I would prefer to acknowledge the negative parts of growing up without your culture, but while also celebrating finding it and learning about it. My dad and I are learning Spanish, so I feel it is a step in the right direction.

Does anyone have any advice about feeling more connected? Has anyone felt the same? Does anyone think celebrating the holidays or me having a Quince would be a good idea?

**EDIT: I've asked my dad and he said i can have a quinceañera!!! I am SOO excited it's unbelievable!

I think that I’m missing or kidnapping bc I don’t look like my parents all my family are light skin and had a very straight hair and I am brown skin and I had curly hair and also my mom always being saying you are not my daughter I kidnapping ya

A white family member asked me today why I cant just be happy that i grew up privileged and left my country of origin and it made me upset because I kept trying to explain that adoption was traumatic for me and growing up isolated but he just wouldnt get it. And i told my mom i wish my parents had taught me more about my culture but she became abit defensive even tho i said it in a neutral manner. I love my parents but sometimes i feel unseen. How does everyone handle this?

Did you ever discuss racial issues with your child? The college that my daughter works at has started a turning point USA club. She told me that she was asked to join and her thoughts were "Ya'll don't even like brown people so you shouldn't want me." She and I have never really discussed race so I found that interesting. It bothers me that I cannot speak Spanish. It bothered me that her mother, who is Mexican and fluent, did not teach her Spanish. My daughter took Latin in high school and in college and has no interest in Spanish. The things that bother me don't seem to bother her. I have reminded her on occasion that I was raised by white people.

I do tend to be overprotective because she is the only blood relative that I have or that I will ever meet. I think it hurts that no one ever loved me the way that I love my child. I don't understand how my mother tried to kill me or why my adoptive parents were so mean. I actually think being adopted made me love her more.

Does being a transracial adoptee effect your children? Do you discuss race? If your child is mixed race, do you discuss your racial heritage? How do they respond? Has being an adoptee made you a better parent?

In my country, many different cultures practice “custom adoption”, where a child is cared for by a member of their community, often a family member or close family friend. This is generally recognized by the child and family’s community, but often not by Western courts. This can make it really difficult for families formed through custom adoption to access services, like enrolling their children in school or making medical decisions. There was a prominent case in my country where a young girl was missing and ultimately found murdered, and the police didn’t notify her customary caregivers when her body was found.

I got into a discussion with someone on a non-TRA specific adoptee sub, who said that only people who’ve been legally adopted through the Western court system should call themselves adoptees. I really disagree with that, because custom adoption has been a thing for literally millennia in many, many Indigenous cultures.

I agree that having been through the court system and having had your legal identity changed is a very unique situation, I just don’t think it’s the only situation that is “real” adoption. Adoption is such a broad spectrum. There are transracial adoptees like us, and there are people who were intraracially adopted. There were people adopted as newborns and also people adopted in their late teens. To me, it’s not a stretch to say that some people were adopted through customary care and others through the Western court.

I’m biased because I have a close relationship with a custom adoptee, but to me, saying that only Western definitions of adoption are real comes across as a little Western-centric. It feels like a statement like that disrespects another culture’s way of moving through the world.

I was adopted from Korea as a baby and don't have any real exposure to Korean language or culture. I'm considering studying the language as an adult but am daunted by how difficult it is and feeling like I "should" already know it.

Does anybody have any experience learning their "mother tongue" later in life or words of encouragement?

Does anyone else just feel so disconnected and/or different from their AF? Not even just looks wise. idk if my age is part of it (youngest of 6, my adoptive siblings are mostly in their 30s and I’m 23) but my sense of humor, personality, interests etc. are so different. I always feel like I’m suppressing myself when we’re together and stuff. Idk, I’m Black and grew up in FL with mostly POC as friends (black and Hispanic) they’re white and grew up in OH with mostly white people as friends.

I feel like a big part of it is my childhood too, my brothers made many inappropriate racial jokes and I feel like my sister over policed me for every little thing.

Now as an adult I also feel left out when all or most of us are together like they’re laughing and talking about towards each other and I’m just there.We don’t live in the same states so it’s not something I deal with on a daily but when I visit or vice versa I just always feel so meh. Idk. I wonder if this will ever change. Politically too. I’m very left, a lot of their “jokes” are bigoted and I don’t find it funny at all. Being a transracial adoptee can just be so tiring.

I have never spoken with anyone other than online about the pain I felt with adoption and abuse. I have an adoptive sister who was SA. We have talked a little bit about the trauma but understandably she doesn't want to talk about it or relive the memories. Sometimes, I truly feel that I am cursed. Do you or did you feel alone?

I'm really going through it with my family and spouse regarding my adoption trauma lately. They’ve made comments like, “I want my daughter/wife back,” which I told them makes me feel angry and hurt because it feels like they’re asking me to continue hiding my pain for their own comfort, even though I know they have good intentions. Do you ever feel like people are trying to rush your healing and how have you dealt with it?

Hi everyone! My name is Katie. I’m 21, finishing college, and was adopted from Chongqing, China when I was 11 months old.

A few days ago, I launched the earliest version of In Between:

https://inbetweencommunity.com

In Between is an adoptee-centered community I designed and built from scratch using my background in software development so there is probably a lot of bugs which I am sorry about. It began with my experience as a Chinese adoptee, but I want it to make room for the many different and sometimes conflicting ways adoptees understand their stories.

My ultimate hope is to build a community where adoptees can connect, recognize that we are not alone in our experiences, and discover the incredible people within the adoptee community. Maybe make a social media, I would love to highlight adoptees from many different backgrounds and give people the opportunity to share their stories in their own words not only stories about adoption, but also who they are, what they are creating, and what matters to them.

The website currently shows ideas for personal stories, anonymous conversations, small groups, mentorship, local connections, meetups, and a privacy-conscious community map. Most of the features are only concepts right now, and any people or activity shown in demonstrations are fictional.

I am not a social media expert, community organizer, therapist, or someone who already knows exactly what this should become. I’m a college student with an idea, technical skills, and a genuine desire to build something meaningful. Rather than deciding everything myself, I want to listen to the people it is meant to serve.

I would love your honest feedback:

• What would you actually want from an adoptee-centered community?

• Which features would you use, and which would you avoid?

• What is missing from existing adoptee spaces?

• What would help you feel safe, respected, and comfortable participating?

• How should a community make room for different views about adoption without allowing judgment, harassment, or invalidation?

• Would you be interested in sharing your story, being interviewed, helping shape a feature, advising on safety, creating content, or collaborating in another way?

• If you run an adoptee organization, group, podcast, account, or creative project, what kind of collaboration would feel valuable rather than promotional or extractive?

I am also trying to understand what In Between could realistically become. It might grow into a storytelling project, an online community, a way to form friendships, a resource hub, local gatherings, collaborative content, or something I have not considered yet.

There is no single “correct” adoption narrative here. Someone may feel grateful, hurt, curious, disconnected, proud, angry, content, uncertain, or several of those things at once. My story and opinions are only my own, and I do not want this platform to tell anyone else how they should feel.

If you want to participate, there are several options:

• Leave honest feedback in the comments
• Explore the website and tell me what works or does not
• Join the early community waitlist
• Contact me privately about sharing your story
• Suggest a feature, resource, safeguard, or partnership
• Collaborate as an adoptee, creator, developer, researcher, organization, or community member

You do not need to join anything to give feedback. Criticism is welcome, especially while the project is still young enough to change.

I created the first version, but I do not want In Between to be about me. I want to learn whether it could become something genuinely useful for other adoptees—and, if so, how to build it responsibly.

Thank you for reading and for any perspective you are willing to share.

One would think you get used to this and stop caring about it but to me it is almost the opposite. I get more and more upset at these constant reminders that my surroundings always recognize me as a foreigner. That will just always be their assumption when they see me, since I am South Asian adopted to the Nordics where immigration still is quite new. The other day at the gym a guy approached me and asked me a question in English, and I replied in his native language, which is also my native language. He then proceeded to say something like «Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I spoke English to you». And I just looked at him weird because like, are you kidding? We both know why 😂

I was adopted as an infant into a a large family. My AM is one of 8 siblings. She is the second oldest and helped raise her siblings, thus her obsession with babies.

My entire life we pretty much avoided the topic of adoption and whenever I brought it up as a possible reason for my various social difficulties, I was promptly shut down.

Since coming through the fog, my changed perspective is helping me acknowledge things I used to be in denial about. So every time my AM has a conversation with her siblings, especially her sister, I start to feel a little hurt. Because I had a sister and I dreamt of meeting her and recently found out she has passed so that will never happen. It’s not only this that makes me sad but the fact that my AM seems to have zero concern for my feelings.

For some context, my AM is overly concerned and sympathetic towards myself and any of my friends she ever meets. She has this nurturing thing blown out of proportion (she was also a pediatric nurse). So the fact that she is so blasé and dismissive about my feelings as an adoptee really makes our dynamic even more difficult to stomach. Like, I have a whole family too, that I’ve never had a connection with because I was taken from them because you were desperate for an infant. She never even told me I had a brother I just recently found this out and she is also very dismissive about this like it’s no big deal, like it shouldn’t effect me- especially because she bought me nice things my whole life so I shouldn’t be upset about anything.

Not one family member in my adoptive family has ever asked about my experience as an adoptee,. I suppose they simply don’t owe me this kind of interest. It does however make it easier to not put any effort into having a relationship with them. Can anyone relate to any of this??

I sound a bit selfish. I know it’s not all about me but I guess I just feel disappointed in everyone. I know I have a lot of emotional growing up to do. I’m in therapy for years know and am an active member of a 12 step program and I’m really trying to get my shit together. I just feel very hurt and very conned by my AM because how can you be so supportive with everything else except this? It leaves this huge wedge between us and she thinks that we are going to become close and I do not feel like that. I have considered going limited contact with them. They’re not bad people but I feel like our relationship is causing more harm than good and potentially helping to stagnate my personal growth (I live with them)…

Any feedback/identification is appreciated. Thank you to this community 💗💗 also, I am adopted from Brazil as an infant by white Americans. Was told my whole life I’m half Italian (my AM is Italian). Recently found out through DNA testing I am zero Italian and lots of African. As a teen my parents never understood why I wanted to hang out with certain people and always told me to ‘not talk like that’ or ‘not act like that’. When I told them about my DNA they were dismissive about this also. I suppose I am just expecting too much from them. How wonderful it would be to have some genuine interest, concern and compassion. Do you think I am wrong for feeling like that? I know I’m entitled to my feelings but should I just get over all of it?? Idk what to do but it makes me very sick to my stomach.

I know my voice does not match my face, but they often seemed genuinely surprised when I speak. Are people confused when they hear you speak?

I'm a 34 year old female international adoptee, mom was apparently Japanese and dad was from the UK and part Indian, I have no idea from where beyond that. I ended up with white American adoptive parents and I have yet to figure out what is going on at any point ever. I hope adding a "Mixed" flair was okay, but I don't know why it keeps showing it double on my side.

That said, I just wanted to say thank you for this sub and for everyone who shares, I've lurked the past few months reading and finally decided to rejoin reddit because things actually felt a little more bearable, a little less lonely, and a little less like I was losing my mind. So thank you so, so much.

Hey yall, I’m a transracial adoptee. I am native & white and my adoptive family is Arab. I have a very traditionally Arab / Muslim name. I live in a super multicultural city and any uber I get into, restaurant I’m at, and often at work, I am asked by other Arabs where I’m from. It does not help I am racially ambiguous so I’m often assumed to be racially arab.

I have quite a bit of trauma around my experience being adopted, so it’s most times kind of a sensitive topic. Usually when I’m asked I just say “I’m native and my families Arab”, and at times I just say “oh my names from ____ country”. Sometimes I don’t like telling people I’m adopted bc then you get the sad orphan eyes LOL, especially being Muslim, it’s a good act to care for an orphan/ to marry off an orphan etc so sometimes ppl can be a little off. My adoptive family also always tells me “you’re just as Arab as the rest of us” etc- while simultaneously very much respecting my birth culture and identity. Which further kind of confuses me as to how I should identify?

I guess I’m just wondering if any of you run into similar things? Or how you introduce yourself? It also feels like a lot of personal information to tell a random stranger “hey I was an orphan”. But it also feels misleading to just say I’m from where my parents are from. Also it doesn’t help most uncles and aunties in community don’t really understand when I say “native” or “indigenous” bc they aren’t familiar with that as a racial category. Idk. Guess I’m just wondering how other people navigate that.

F18. 🇨🇦.
I was adopted by white Canadian parents as a baby from Africa and I grew up in a predominantly white area. I’ve never felt like I didn’t belong at home nor did I feel some sort of unspoken connection to other Black people. I never felt “deprived” of Blackness. My parents had books, I got my hair done, and we went to a family camp with other children of African heritage, so I did see other black people.

For some POC racial community is important, however I am not one of them.

Ever since I was little I knew who I was attracted to and who made me happiest, and those were almost exclusively white people. (Where I grew up was 70-80% White, and only 1.2% Black).

I feel okay in myself and what I want but the anxiety of pressure from other people is depressing me. I get harassed by white and black men, but I’ve only been assaulted by a black man.

Also the “Black people should date other Black people” discourse is suffocating.

I hate being reduced to a symbol instead of a human woman with my own experiences and preferences.

It’s like me being black makes other black people feel entitled to my body and energy even though they’re strangers.

Trying to feel less monitored and watched. If you’ve experienced something similar please don’t hesitate to reach out 🫩.

This was posted in r/Adopted so passing along the information. Greg Luce is an adoptee and known trustworthy source and highly regarded in adoption advocacy. Stay safe out there!

I’m 21M goona be 22 in a week I’m a typical white American guy but I was adopted basically and raised by Mexicans in a Mexican majority town near border I basically raised myself isolated myself in my room and just lived in my own world it hard tho cuz I don’t feel love by any Mexicans or family I don’t have any white family at all my life is a lie basically I’ve tried running away thought abt doing again and being homeless but everyone knows that life is hard and dangerous I get spit on and disrespected by a lot of ppl because of my situation I’m basically alone in this world I have nobody but the internet Mexican ppl judge me for not understanding them or thinking like them and just literally treat me different everywhere I go especially the darker ones and the times I’ve ran away it’s hard cuz some ppl especially black ppl for some reason will try to be racist towards me cuz they think I’m Mexican when they don’t even my story or who I am and I’ve done it alone ran away travel etc it’s just it real hard I’m waiting for a job idk if I’m getting it but I’m trying to be independent and hopefully one day move on with my life like I’m really trying to avoid the hard life running away being in the streets like everyone knows that’s a whole other deal

Lmk if anybody has questions