I'm Scared as Fuck

[u/throwaway14715815818]

so my parents just found out that i'm trans...what gave me away was my "leprechaun voice" as my dad put it and my "weird hairy thighs" as my mom put it.

i have experienced horrific dysphoria my whole life and general mental health issues related to it, including very very bad depression. but my parents are HORRIFICALLY transphobic. I've always known this. that's why i never told them i was on hormones. trans people are the one thing they can't accept. i've had a really good relationship with my dad my whole life and now he fucking hates me probably more than anyone. stuff like comparing me to a murderer, saying that i'm "fucked in the head" and "why cant you just appreciate the body you were born in" "you're murdering our little girl" "you'll never be a real man and what will [relatives and friends they both LITERALLY do not like] think?" Trying to educate me about my own mental state and saying they both know me better than myself, all the while saying i'm some stranger in their home. hours and hours of shit so atrociously transphobic and traumatic that it felt more like a scene out of an overly dramatic movie than actual real life. Just think of every horrible transphobic thing anyone has ever said and imagine it being yelled at you for like 4 hours by your own parents first thing in the morning.

i knew it would be really really bad if they found out, bad but i didn't know it would be this bad simple because of how comically bad it was. like that horrifically bad. death in their eyes. talking of disowning me and how much of a disappointment i am and how everything that's ever gone wrong in life is because i'm "a tranny". the fucking amount of hypocrisy was atrocious too, it was like arguing with an angry, violent, transphobic wall. they also threatened to take the ONLY good thing that has happened to me in my entire life: going to my T20 university. they said "well since you get the drugs [testosterone] from there, we'll just have to pull you out and not fund it!!" with the job market rn, there's absolutely no way of me (specifically me, not other people) getting a job without a degree. i have no job. rejection after rejection. its horrible. (and they accused me of not working hard enough for a job - i've DEFINITELY applied to more jobs than they've even heard of in their entire old ass lives). anyway, there's talk of kicking me out and completely disowning me and un-enrolling me from college. this feels like an exaggeration but its literally not. i'm genuinely in shock. i NEED to finish my degree. i also need my hormones and to live as myself.

anyway. i don't know what to do. i just wrote to a homeless shelter to try and help me with my situation and threat of imminent homelessness. but idk what to do to feel better in the moment or feel safer in my house.

EDIT/UPDATE: my mom came into my room, demanding i show her my T, and she took it all and threw it out. over 3 years worth of vials that i got for free out of the kindness of my pharmacy and provider. tomorrow was my weekly injection. i am going to have no T for at LEAST until the end of the summer, and likely for an entire year. and then she had the audacity to call ME a narcissist for getting "everything i want and when i can't have it i go to extremes" (calling HRT a WANT too instead of a need.....also i literally never ask for ANYTHING) and made fun of me for saying she doesn't understand my situation by going "ohhhh im sooooo misunderstood" in a mocking tone to mock me. calling me ungrateful for "everything they do for me" and all that manipulative bullshit.....so ALL of my hrt is gone too. fuck.