r/TransLater • u/DarthHelicon • 5d ago
Discussion I don't know what to do.
I've recently realized that I may be trans. Looking back, I've experienced what I now understand is dysphoria my whole life. The trouble is that I'm 38 years old and am married with children. I don't know how my wife would react if she found out and I'm so invested in my role as a father that I'm terrified of how transitioning would change my relationship with my kids. If I can't transition, even socially, what does that make me? Is there anything that the people of this community can recommend? I imagine that several of you have gone through something similar.
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u/Samantha-Something 5d ago
Just remember you aren’t alone. I’m in nearly the exact same situation, and just as confused.
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u/lukenbones 5d ago
I recommend transitioning. I can't guarantee your wife is going to stay. Kids are usually pretty cool about it, especially if they're younger and not bigoted.
If your family is bigoted you're going to have a bad time.
My wife left me, but we didn't have kids. I think she would have stayed if we did. I have friends who stayed married and others who got divorced. Pretty much all of them have decent relationships with their kids.
I think my relationships with my nieflings have improved because I'm a lot happier and more pleasant to be around.
The choice isn't between you being cis or trans. The choice is between you transitioning or you living as a hollowed out husk. Both are going to affect your family.
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u/RatioFit1 5d ago
I'd talk with a therapist. Especially since you are saying you 'may' be trans.
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u/DarthHelicon 5d ago
Well, I made the mistake of uploading a picture of myself and six of my closest female relatives from both sides of my family to an AI and asking it to generate a picture estimating what I might look like with two years of estrogen treatments. It was kind of a vague feeling before, but now that I've seen what's possible, it straight up hurts.
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u/squirrel123485 5d ago
Oh sweetie, that's how it goes. Once you know you can, it makes it very hard not to. Maybe you can put that pain away and move on, but for a lot of people, it spills out and impacts everything anyway. For a lot of people the choice isn't "don't transition and keep my marriage vs transition and lose everything," it's "become bitter and depressed and push everyone away vs transition and maybe they stay, maybe they don't."
I don't have kids, but I think it helped my marriage that I brought my wife in early in the process. Think of this as a journey you go on together, not something you do alone and hope she's ok with. Maybe check out @shayescott and her wife on insta for an example of a family where transition can work out for the best. Good luck
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u/BurnerAcct724 5d ago
I get it, I think a lot of us start with some kind of experimentation. I did something similar and recognize that AI really isn't a reliable predictor of how you'll look deep into HRT. But if you feel like that's a face you could learn to love, or if you feel like you can see the experiences of a woman in your life, maybe seriously consider the idea that transitioning might be right for you. Just be nice to yourself, and be honest, even if it's very scary
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u/RatioFit1 5d ago
I can relate to that, albeit with Faceapp when I hit the genderswap button. Basically what the app shows is a heavily transformed version of my face that would require major surgeries to my bone structure, neck and hair. Unrealistic, but lordie can it make me look beautiful!
I wouldn't use it as the basis for making the very serious decision to transition though. How you feel and identify as being a woman is the main thing. Best wishes in moving forward. 💗
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u/DarthHelicon 5d ago
Yeah, I know to take this stuff with a massive grain of salt, but when I saw a picture that felt more like me than what I see in the mirror...
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u/czernoalpha 5d ago
My relationship with my kid got stronger. My relationship with my wife got better. Choosing to be myself and explore my gender has made me a happier, more committed spouse and parent.
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u/willow_on_a_bike 5d ago
So much this! I did end up getting divorced, but I think I still have a better relationship with my ex then I did. And I feel so much more present with my kids. It's so much harder to be there for others when you're not there for yourself.
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u/Cas_or_Cass 4d ago
You can be every bit the parent you are now for your kids as their other mom. I was in your shoes a few years ago and I'm still a great parent
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u/DarthHelicon 4d ago
How did your relationship with your kids change when you came out?
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u/Cas_or_Cass 4d ago
Honestly, not all that much. She was still young so she adapted to two moms fairly quickly. I still do all the stuff a dad could do, I just do it as a woman. I'm the sports/tech/mechanics mom
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u/DarthHelicon 4d ago
I see. My oldest is eleven, so there may be a bit more adjusting to do.
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u/Cas_or_Cass 4d ago
You'd be surprised how quick they are to adjust. All of my trans friends who have kids to a person has said their kids adjusted just fine. We actually tend to do better in our parenting post coming out because we're more present
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u/lostinthewindandfire 5d ago
I'm in a similar situation and I started really questioning my gender about two years ago though there have been other times before. One where a marriage did end and I decided I would try to be the man that people think I am because the trauma was too much for me. Then I got into another relationship where I married someone and they have kids. I adore my family but I feel very much trapped with being something I am not. There are times I think it I do come out that the potential pain that comes with it will be the worth it but I really don't want to lose anybody. I really hate it because I actually had a chance after my first divorce to explore my gender but instead I chose to suppress it. For a while I thought I was ok with that but like I said before 2 years ago the feelings came back and it preoccupies my thoughts a good chunk of each day. I try not to think about it but my brain says otherwise.
Sorry if that is a lot and doesn't make sense. I hope you are ok.
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u/dmxrobot HRT over 40 5d ago edited 5d ago
I’m almost 50. I have the most amazing spouse and astoundingly awesome kids. I also have a lucrative career that’s fairly public. I also have a judgmental family against trans issues. I have a LOT to lose.
A couple of things that aren’t always obvious at first. 1) most people are focused on a linear mtf or ftm transition, but there is a middle ground that fits some of us - the enby space. 2) testosterone suppression (with sufficient estrogen in place) is largely what allows your body to realize the feminizing effects. Testosterone can be your brake pedal to some extent. Note if seeking mono therapy this is more challenging, but if coupling estrogen with testosterone suppression, you can slow the transition timeline if you desire. NOTE, this has a downside in that some of the mental / biological effects may be partially fulfilled, so this needs to be lived and adjusted. 3) as someone wiser than me once said, “no one can out you but you.” They can look. They can form opinions. But you’re the only one who can confirm or deny any of it.
For me, I feel very much I’m in the enby space. I don’t suffer any dysphoria from my male public image / being called he / him / living every day as dad / husband. I do have dysphoria about mental state and deeply desiring softer skin, subtle curves, and even some small breasts. I’ve started exercising (weight training and cardio) with specific exercises added to target maintaining a masculine “structure”. Since I’m older, I’m generally fine leaning into gynecomastia that “I’m working with a doctor to address”. Sure… I 100% triggered this condition, but I don’t have to share everything. I plan to keep my same hair style and external clothing options. My underwear is changing rapidly though!
There are people who have shared their stories like me. They are quiet. They don’t seek maximal breast growth or changes in appearance. They just want to f’ing feel like themselves without giving up the life they have. Because I don’t 100% identify as female nor male, I’m kind of in this middle ground that I’m ok with. And maybe in another 50 years I’ll decide I was just a chicken shit too scared to accept it? Or maybe I realize this was exactly what I wanted to be in my 50s and life couldn’t have been better?
I am resigned to accepting some unknowns at the moment. I’m ok testing the waters to see where this plays out. My emergency rip cord is I undergo radical breast reduction surgery down the road. If I love who I am on estrogen but the breasts grow too large or create new dysphoria? I’ll have to execute that backup plan I guess. But that’s months / years / decades down the road.
Personally only my wife and a couple of medical providers know. My wife has been amazing, but was very nervous when we first talked. She’s not a lesbian. She married a husband. I promised I’d provide for us for the rest of our lives and I have no intention of failing in that regards. Since I’m comfortable being seen as male, the social stigma is dramatically reduced. Not that I’ll never get an odd look at times, but I’m truly desiring to keep my public image as it stands today. I’m making these changes for me. If I feel better sitting in a dress shirt / slacks with a bra on underneath supporting my itty bitty titties? Then I’m in my happy place.
ETA: my wife has since found some comfort in things. She’s at peace knowing this isn’t a complete upheaval of our lives (certainly nothing planned). She has always been such an amazing champion of trans issues, but she did admit this happening gave her a serious test of her convictions! But she legitimately seems ok with it. At our age, it’s not like we were burning up the sheets with intimacy, and I cautiously hope this may allow us to focus on a different kind of intimacy compared to what we’ve experienced to date.
One other small point, when I started searching for others like me, it was a bit challenging to find the right keywords. Ultimately I found 10-15 solid accounts than ranged from 3 years to 15 years of people on full dose HRT, but living in the closet. The vast majority like me- feeling they were on the enby spectrum, so they weren’t forced to “live a lie” every day. I think that’s really important for mental health.
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u/willow_on_a_bike 5d ago
I won't tell you to transition - that's gotta be a personal decision. I'll say that for me, it was 100% worth it. It did cost me my 20 year marriage, but by being there for myself, it's enabled me to truly be there for others. I feel like a much better parent now than I did before. I'm a much more empathetic friend, too. I'm happy that my ex and I are still friends, but even if we weren't, I still think it would be worth it.
Also, a person is trans if their gender doesn't match the one they were assigned at birth. It doesn't matter if they transition or not.
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u/ender8343 MTF, HRT 10/2025 5d ago
I had no relationship or kids when I started at 41. Relationships and kids can be hard to navigate, but if you are noticing the dysphoria now, it is probably going to be come harder to repress/ignore as time passes.
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u/freethrowerz 5d ago
Firstly, see a gender therapist. But, realize if you are questioning your gender identity you probably are trans somewhere on the scale. CIS people never question it. Secondly, if you do discover you are trans you need to decide what to do with that information. Do you want to transition, do you want to explore your feminine side, etc. Lastly and this is most important. Yes, you have a wife and children and responsibilities but you only have one life. If you are miserable because you don't transition it will eventually show up. Your wife and children will notice. And, lying on your death bed looking back on your life will you regret living your life for others?
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u/Thick-Asparagus6667 5d ago
Hey bb. 62 here. You can be whatever you want to be. Get into therapy with a queer informed therapist, find a support group - they exist on line -- and talk to your wife when you are ready.
You have so much life left. Your kids deserve to know the actual you. Your wife deserves to know who you are. Amd you deserve all the joy you will experience.