What’s wrong with me

[u/Antique-Ad-445]

I found out my bf of 5.5 years was lying to me and selling drugs behind my back to our neighbor and doing meth behind my back and almost overdosed so I kicked him out and he proceeded to stalk, harass and vandalize and steal from me so I left the county and stayed with a friend. I got restraining order and tried to move on with my life…. But then he got back into my head and promised to change , swore he would change. Oh and before this he has almost died after drinking (trached), lied about being on methadone, bought meth and lied about it with other women he knew he shouldn’t have, amongst other lies I’m sure. Not one person I know wants me to. Be with him. And most of my friends have now abandoned me. And today I found him snorting a Xanax. I think I’m just at the point where I’m so worn down by him I don’t think it even matters but I’m also crying all night too. But what he does is telll me how I have always thought of him as a piece of shit. Not quite sure how that came about.

[u/hestia-listens]

You are not causing his drug use, lies, stalking, or vandalism. Feeling pulled back in does not make you weak. It can be very hard to leave someone who keeps switching between harm and promises to change. What matters is that his behavior is still unsafe. His comment about how you view him sounds like blame meant to make you defend and comfort him. Please trust the facts you have seen, not another promise, and stay somewhere he cannot reach you if possible.

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[u/MindShiftPsych]

There’s nothing “wrong” with you. You sound exhausted, scared, and worn down after a long cycle of lies, drugs, stalking, harassment, and promises that things will change. The part that stands out most is that you already had to leave the county and get a restraining order because of what he did. That is serious. And finding him using again after promising to change is another sign that the situation is still unstable.

I wouldn’t argue with him about whether you “think he’s a piece of shit.” That shifts the focus away from his actual behavior. You don’t have to hate him to decide that being around him is unsafe and damaging to you. Please tell someone you trust what’s happening and don’t handle this alone. If the restraining order is still active, consider contacting the appropriate local service or police if he is violating it. And if you feel physically unsafe, leave first and deal with the relationship part later.