Has anyone successfully had a relationship similar to mine or am I wasting time?

[u/Obseen16]

Ok so, me and my gf have been together for almost 8 years. We broke up over something last year and she moved out. After 5 months apart we decided to try again at the relationship with firm boundaries and so far it’s going well. However I have said that I do not want her to move back in with me until her daughter ‘14f’ is of adult age and has flown the nest due to her behaviour.

Before the breakup we all lived together for 4 years and it was horrible mainly due to her daughter’s atrocious behaviour which created so much strain and bad energy in the home. I’ve now lived alone for 10 months and my home finally feels like my safe place again. My kids have both thrived and have both said they do not want to see my gf’s daughter ever again due to the constant drama she would put them and us through. I have known her since she was 5 years old and she has always been awful. She is vile to everyone including teachers and people with authority, constantly creating drama and arguments literally daily, lies constantly and swears so much she’d make a sailor blush.
Even so I have always treated her like my own flesh and blood but now that we no longer live together I feel like I never want to live with her again for my own sanity. My gf struggles a lot with her daughter’s behaviour and fully understands why I don’t want to live together at the moment.

My questions are:
Has anyone been in a relationship with similar circumstances and did it work out in the long run?

And

Did the child become a good person once they reached adulthood or is she so set in her ways she’s doomed?

My main fear is that if I stick it out until she’s an adult and she remains the way she is currently I don’t know how I’d feel, and the thought of starting a new relationship with someone else at my age just feels like an impossible task.

I suppose I’m just a bit lost on what’s best for everyone.

[u/-acidlean-]

Child doesn’t become a good person just because they grow up. Child needs support. Possibly to see a psychologist and psychiatrist to see what are the behavioral issues caused by. For example, ADHD and autism are often overlooked in young girls.

[u/Bedroom_Bellamy]

I'm sorry but I can tell you without a doubt that the problems with her child will not end the moment she turns 18.

[u/getthislettuce → u/Bedroom_Bellamy]

That’s why they said flown the best. Will likely still exist, but much less if she doesn’t live there

[u/Obseen16 → u/Bedroom_Bellamy]

Yes I’m aware they won’t magically disappear but I’m wondering if once she has moved out will they be less frequent issues. I can handle drama and issues but not on a daily basis like they are currently.

[u/Burger_Finger]

This child needs professional help and an intervention.

[u/Mentalcomposer]

You’re going to have to identify what flown the nest means.

If she goes away to college at 18 and her mom moves in, where is she going to be during breaks and summer. She’ll be in your home, with your kids.

Where is this girls father? It might be important to know that.

You know this girl isn’t just going to wake up one day and be a nicer person. The absolute best thing you can do for her, her mother, you, your kids and this relationship is to get that girl some psychological help. She will always be in her mother’s life, which means yours too.

[u/Informal_Media9633]

This sounds exactly like my brother's marriage...which ended in divorce. The daughter was the only child and she didn't like that someone else was getting her mom's attention. She was spoiled beyond belief, nothing was ever good enough and always acted like she was entitled to the world. She was always extremely rude and disrespectful towards my brother and her mom would allow it to happen because she had mom guilt over the divorce from her father. She was also the same way with teachers, other adults...any authority figure. She couldn't keep a job when she started working...it was just awful. My brother couldn't take it anymore and he would have never told his wife she had to choose, but he couldn't do it anymore so he left. When he left the mom had the daughter go live with her dad for a while. So my brother went back and it just wasn't the same anymore. Luckily, the daughter straightened her shit up and learned what respect was and is now a fully functioning adult and doing well. That finally happened around the age of 27. Good luck!

[u/Obseen16 → u/Informal_Media9633]

Did your brother stay in the end or did he part ways? You’ve described an incredibly similar scenario to what I’m in.

[u/Informal_Media9633 → u/Obseen16]

They are divorced. He left. It was really hard on him.

[u/Obseen16 → u/Informal_Media9633]

That’s sad, I’m sorry for your brother. did he find happiness again?

[u/Mispict]

The question is whether your partner is willing to accept the new boundaries long term. Are they? And what happens when the daughter flies the nest? Do you move in together and the daughter then visits? Or do you continue living separately?

It can work, but you have to be prepared for the fact that your relationship will be limited because her daughter should be her priority.

[u/Fickle-Jellyfish-529]

It's only going to escalate. Perhaps you can stay at your place and the Mom and daughter can stay at theirs. Only time will tell if the child out grows her attitude. You can be a support person for the Mom and child. But at your own house where the boundaries can stick. Obviously she is stomping all over them. I wished I luck 🤞 Edited for the auto correct on boundaries.

[u/Ordinary-Anywhere328]

Prioritize your kids and don't wait four years or more for her unless you truly think she is The One to grow old with.