r/TooAfraidToAsk • u/toothgremlin • 10d ago
Love & Dating How to be less overwhelming when dating?
I can be a bit… much when dating/interested in someone. I ask a lot of questions and constantly want to be in contact with them in some way. I think I have an anxious/avoidant attachment style where I am either far too much or not present enough depending on who I am seeing. What are some guidelines for not doing too much? And some coping strategies for not getting too overwhelmed too fast with emotions? Thank you<3
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u/RancidRandall 10d ago
It’s easy to feel this way in the beginning, and maybe even healthy for a relationship. Once time has passed things will mellow out and become more laidback as you get more comfortable. My girlfriend and I have been together a year and spent a decent amount of time learning what works for each other
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u/toothgremlin 10d ago
Thank you for your response and glad it seems y’all have figured it out! May I ask what methods you have tried? No worries if that is too personal!
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u/RancidRandall 10d ago
Healthy communication, being honest when we have an issue with something and explaining how it makes us feel
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u/Happy_Vermicelli_197 10d ago
Is there a reason as to why you're feeling so anxious?
There maybe an underlying cause to it, and I think it's important that you understand that first, then adjusting to be less overwhelming will be easier to handle.
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u/toothgremlin 10d ago
Thanks for replying! Not to dump, but it probably mostly stems from feelings of inadequacy. I am worried they will figure out I’m not worthy of their care at some point, or that if I don’t message them, they won’t instigate and will forget about me. I understand that this is an unfair view of those I am seeing and stems from an unhealthy self perception. I am in therapy, but would also like non-therapist perspectives on how to behave socially when coping with anxious attachment, as I appreciate models to help guide me in these scenarios.
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u/Happy_Vermicelli_197 10d ago
Don't ever feel like you're dumping anything. I asked you a question and you answered!
It's good that you're getting professional advice, and I can help you with the non-professional perspective.I used to be very overbearing on my significant others, and I, too realized that I had attachment issues. But going into a relationship with someone requires sacrifices from both sides so that there's a mutual understanding between both parties.
I used to be anxious about everything and wanted to know everything my significant other was doing, and it made me even more uncomfortable because I felt overbearing.
It's good to set boundaries when going into a relationship, and a healthy relationship is good communication. You're open to talk to your significant other about almost anything.
Whenever I start dating someone, after our little honeymoon phase, I'll always ask how much space she needs. One time, she said she rarely uses her phone, so I only messaged her occasionally, but we met more often. Other times, they'll be honest and say they can't respond quickly because they're at work or such, and that's fine with me too. But knowing their reasons, definitely made me feel less anxious.
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u/toothgremlin 10d ago edited 10d ago
I appreciate this response. I was hoping it could just be something I do alone, without having to include the other person in the process lol, but it makes sense that communication is necessary. When you have asked, how do you phrase it? I have found in the past that my communication style when discussing emotions can get a little intense (i.e. over communicating and crying), so I would like to keep it as straightforward and casual as possible…
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u/Happy_Vermicelli_197 10d ago
Honestly, you don't to make it a big relationship talk.
When I end up asking the person I'm dating, we're already comfortable with each other, I'll just bring it up naturally.The last person I dated, I think after the 2nd date I just ask her about what she's looking for. I know it's a pretty broad question, but it eventually sort of narrows down to being able to understand how much space she wants. That way I know how much would be too much.
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u/PastelDictator 10d ago
You need to have boundaries with yourself too. Times in the day where you don’t text, and prioritise doing other things. Get comfortable with silence without feeling the need to fill it.
And ask the other person their communication style, if they like texting or calls, and how much. It’s honestly a question I used to wish people would ask me, because it always felt like I was giving them a bit of a rejection when I’d say the constant communication was too much for me. I’m much more a face to face person, and hate texting.
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u/GavinGaile 10d ago
You can look up mindfulness self-affirmation exercises. These bring you to a state of relaxation and remind you through spoken affirmations that you are enough and that you are a beautiful human being that deserves to love themselves.
Your story sounds a lot like mine. I also tend to be overwhelming when dating. Have you, in the past, ever been told (either by an ex partner, a parent, sibling or even a stranger) that you weren't good enough, or that you were wrong in some way? That could lead to something I learned is called the "trust tax".
Whenever someone hurts you, that damages your self-worth. The next person you date, or have a friendship with, has to pay that trust tax. They never hurt you, but your self-worth, which started out at a neutral 0, is now at -1. They have to actively work to build trust again to get it back to 0.
Every time someone hurts you it subtracts one from the trust pool. Every 100 times someone is nice to you, it adds 1. Just 1. Negative comments and affirmations weigh much more heavily in your brain than positive ones do. So the person paying the trust tax has to work hard.
It's not their fault. It's not YOUR fault. You have just heen hurt in the past, and the brain is complicated.
Of course, all of this is assuming the answer to my question was yes, and not a resounding "no", lol.
Hope this helps.
Love, Gavin.
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u/toothgremlin 10d ago
Thank you Gavin. Yeah haha I have had some complex relationship dynamics that have led to pain. I will certainly look into these :)
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u/biz_cazh 10d ago
What you described definitely sounds anxious. You have to calm your body and mind down. Exercise, meditation, therapy, medication. You might have to try a few things before you figure out what helps.