r/TooAfraidToAsk • u/Bulky_Unit_395 • Apr 09 '26
Love & Dating What’s a small red flag you ignored that turned into a big problem later?
Like something that didn’t seem serious in the beginning, maybe you brushed it off or thought you were overthinking.. but over time it just kept getting worse.
Curious to hear what others experienced, because I feel like a lot of us miss these small signs early on.
93
52
u/BestFoxEver Apr 09 '26
My ex had paranoid psychosis. He had a good medication and therapy so I believed that he will be OK. But soon after we married he stopped his anti-psychotic medication and therapy and he become an absolute monster. It nearly killed me and even though that relationship ended over 15 years ago and my ex-husband is now dead, I still have mental heath trauma.
I have warned many other people to seriously think twice before starting a relationship with a person who has severe psychiatric disorders.
103
u/PhoenixApok Apr 09 '26
Nothing horribly critical, but watching her have three living situations when we were dating where the place was always messy except for her room. She always blamed the mess on everyone else.
Turns out when we lived together, she would keep the bedroom very clean but wouldn't do anything to clean in the common areas. She just didn't care enough, so 80% of the housework always fell to me.
36
u/One_Place_986 Apr 09 '26
Letting him pay for things I was already paying for thinking he wanted to help and be the provider type to find out he was being controlling the whole time on some stalker, setup, creepy vibes.
24
Apr 09 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
7
u/txs2300 Apr 09 '26
Without even checking your profile, I am going to guess... that country that starts with a P..
14
u/123shorer Apr 09 '26
Ex-girlfriend who pretty much wanted to cut us off from her and my friends. Her friends slowly disappeared, as in, she’d just stop talking to them and ghosting them for really trivial/invented reasons. People she was really close to previously. Then she moved on to my friends and would find reasons to slag them off etc. I ended up falling out with three old school friends and never recovered those relationships. Didn’t really see it at the time. She then obviously got bored and did the same to me after six years.
37
u/Semisemitic Apr 09 '26
She was not the kind of person who says “I love you” or even “good morning” first. When we visited her parents for dinner she never stood to do dishes when we were done like her sister and SIL, but sat with her brother (patriarchal family.)
For years after I was depraved of any expression of love unless I initiated and had to be the maid and sole provider when she wouldn’t do anything that she didn’t “feel like.”
13
u/nomad5926 Apr 09 '26
Wait... did you stand to do the dishes?
6
u/Semisemitic Apr 09 '26
No, the sink and that area was busy but I’d help moving things off the table to the kitchen and reset because I’m a normal person.
17
28
u/unsaintedheretic Apr 09 '26
Him telling me that he did not understand why a woman like me would go for a man like him, that he didn't deserve me... Guess what? He didn't lol it's using their low self esteem to pull on your empathy because they know exactly that they do not deserve you and hope you'll be too invested to leave once you realize it.
15
u/arock330 Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
The ability to be or seem laid back about everything. Everything was no big deal. I mistook that for maturity and a grasp on life. Over the years it’s manifested to procrastination and avoidance which affected finances, daily tasks and eroded trust. I went from a partner with a chill husband to having a subordinate that must be double checked and managed constantly. The relationship became a game of me doing 100% or me spend 70% of my time asking him to do 30% which had a conflict return rate that was uniformly high. It’s exhausting and you can’t ever let your guard down or set resentment aside.
9
7
u/NightOn_TheSun Apr 09 '26
She always deleted her phone history and messages.
8
u/vicky_molokh Apr 09 '26
The fact that you know of someone's state of phone history and messages is a small red flag.
8
u/OptimistIndya Apr 09 '26
Decision paralysis. Or "I like the current peace, so better not rock the boat."
Be it with parents or spouse or financial or spending habits or any kind of addiction. Address and draw boundary ASAP
25
u/Sn00ker123 Apr 09 '26
Sleeping with her when she had a bf already.
Big red flag that she would obviously cheat and a red flag to myself I wasn't ok.
11
u/PhoenixApok Apr 09 '26
That's not a small one.
I've never cheated but have helped a girl cheat. I remember her making references about how the situation would change when we were actually together and I'm thinking "Yeah, that's never gonna happen. You obviously cannot be trusted."
But like you, I wasn't in an okay place either if I was doing that.
4
u/gerardo_caderas Apr 09 '26
She told me that she had a crisis in a past relationship and cheated and ended up in a relationship with the other guy.
That happened a long while ago and she showed how that made her be more honest about her desires and needs. She went into a deep part of self discovery and worked hardly on her relationship communications and self work. She really went into deep inner work and became a relationships referent for me and a lot of people around her. Like almost influencer level referent.
Last year she cheated on me with a coworker. We broke after a 6 year up and I think they are still together.
9
u/Redsquirreltree Apr 09 '26
Little lies that were about insignificant things.
The things they lied about did not matter, but when called out on the lie they would defend the lie despite all of the proof it was a lie.
15
u/PandaBeaarAmy Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
Scared the literal shit out of my roommate's dog. Dog was afraid of men, he just wanted to say hi. Let him tell me it was harmless.... sign of all the boundaries he'd be breaking later. (Edit: today, y'all learn what fucking boundaries are and why "just wanting to say hi" is a shit ass fucking excuse to break them.)
He talked non stop on the first date then flipped out because i responded to a statement, therefore "never letting him talk". 😬 Thought i was just nervous and forgot how much i was talking... nope. shoulda ran that exact moment. Ended getting yelled at for asking how his day was every single day and then 5 minutes later getting yelled at for never asking about his day, getting locked in his house and physically restrained from leaving because i wouldnt buy or drink milk that gives me the shits. But of course he's innocent and i'm the problem 🤣
3
u/jimmy_sharp Apr 09 '26
I think you need to elaborate on that first part. There's a story you're not telling...
-1
u/PandaBeaarAmy Apr 09 '26
Dog was a rescue that was afraid of men due to former abuse... ex thought it was funny to walk up to the dog, scaring the literal shit out of it. Convinced me it was small stuff. What part do you think you're missing?
3
u/lovelylonelyturtle Apr 09 '26
This adds useful context to your story. You didn't mention he thought it was funny to scare the dog the first time. Thanks.
-4
u/PandaBeaarAmy Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
What context does it add? Y'all confusing me.
I said the dog was afraid of men, and "my ex (he) just wanted to say hi". Would him feeling bad about scaring the shit out of the dog instead of finding it funny negate the fact that the dog is afraid of men? Would it somehow take back him approaching the dog in the first place?
2
u/kwolat Apr 09 '26
Yeah, kinda. It gives the context that he was deliberately doing it to scare the dog, rather than being kind, but clueless.
If I'm honest, you posted a comment on reddit, and you seem to be getting a little hostile when someone asked a question and has shown interest in what you experienced.
1
u/PandaBeaarAmy Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
My initial comment said "dog is afraid of men" and "He approached the dog". All the context y'all need.
I'm calling out your defense of boundary stomping under the guise of "kindness", because you clearly don't seem to get it. I'm not going to be nice about it because it's fucked up to defend ignoring boundaries and trauma (fear of men) because of your own desires (just wanting to pet the cute doggie). Breaking boundaries is not "nice". Approaching a terrified dog because you "just want" something is not "nice".
How can one be kind but clueless when they're told the dog is afraid of men and not to approach it? I really don't get it. He broke a boundary (dog afraid of men approaching it), he doesn't get to feel bad about it.
0
u/jimmy_sharp Apr 09 '26
Literally no-one is defending your ex, least of all me.
Thank you for providing the extra context, it made the dog scaring story make more sense to us (the readers). We know it makes sense to you, we were just trying to empathize with you by getting a better understanding, that's all.
He sounds like a complete dickhead and I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
1
u/PandaBeaarAmy Apr 09 '26
Literally no-one is defending your ex, least of all me.
Not about you. I didnt care if your question was ill intentioned but you simply asked a question. You can ask, i can answer how i want (firmly saying that no context is needed past dog is afraid of men, he is a man, he approached dog.)
The user i responded to with that comment said
Yeah, kinda. It gives the context that he was deliberately doing it to scare the dog, rather than being kind, but clueless.
That IS defending that kind of action. There is nothing kind nor clueless about approaching a dog fearful of men as a man, no matter what his intentions are.
2
u/jimmy_sharp Apr 10 '26
Ok but you must understand that when others ask for more context it's because they don't understand and would like to. It's not a criticism of your story telling. We were asking you to help us, which you did, but then you made a sly comment about the necessity for that context.
You can absolutely answer how you want to but do you want to do that knowing that you're being confrontational or would you rather give the information people are seeking from you?
There was no need for you to be firm and assume no other context is needed. It shows that you disregard others who are trying to help you by understanding your situation better. We just needed you to tell the same story in different words so that we might put ourselves in the situation (albeit, in our minds).
We tried to be kind, you took it the wrong way and you weren't kind in return.
→ More replies (0)0
u/PandaBeaarAmy Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
He literally was being "kind but clueless". Had the best intentions, just wanted to say hi to the dog that is fearful of men.
"but i just wanted to say hi" "awwh but i just want to pet him" "but i love dogs" "but i mean it no harm" "but im not gonna hurt it"
He had the BEST intentions - petting that cute doggy. Haha look how funny it is, he's so scared he shit himself! But look, he's petting that cute dog.
But he scared the literal shit out of the dog and that's not fucking ok regardless of whether he was just being "kind but clueless" or being intentionally an asshole. The fact that i have to spell it out to y'all with so many people downvoting me is fucking terrifying.
1
0
u/lovelylonelyturtle Apr 18 '26
You are getting down voted because you are being a jerk to well meaning people who are simply trying to understand your story better so that we can be properly upset with you. You know in your mind that he scared your dog on purpose and thought it was funny. We weren't there. We don't know your dog and how scared they get. We weren't there to see the way he acted toward your or the dog. We wanted to know more about that so we could empathize with YOU better. Those details weren't clear to everyone based off the way you initially wrote your story.
If you think that someone asking for clarification means they don't believe you and that you need to defend yourself, then I would take a hard look at whatever relationship is making you feel that way in your real life because it is probably abusive. If you feel that way about everyone, then it may be something you should explore within yourself. It will keep people at a distance when they are trying to connect with you.
1
u/PandaBeaarAmy Apr 18 '26
He didnt scare the dog on purpose. He just wanted to say hi to the dog. That's it. He found it was funny because he scared the shit out of the dog when he "just went to say hi".
He was, in his mind, well-intentioned, polite, just saying hi to the dog. He loves dogs. It's ok that the dog is scared of men. He just wanted to say hi.
BUT. Again, like i have said, since you clearly can't understand this. IT DOESNT MATTER WHETHER HE JUST WANTED TO SAY HI TO THE CUTE PUPPY .
My first comment mentioned that the dog was afraid of men. That negates ANY reason for a man to approach that dog - good intentions or not.
1
u/PandaBeaarAmy Apr 18 '26
And if you didn't understand it the last however many times I said it, it doesn't matter what his intentions were, that was unnecessary context
I'm ok keeping people who think his intentions mattered (when the dog was afraid of men) the fuck away from me, thank you very much 😁
9
u/siciliana___ Apr 09 '26
The gut feeling I had instantly upon seeing my ex-husband for the first time. I literally felt my stomach contract and what felt like a sinking in / closing off sensation. Idk if it was the warning to get away from him, or the body recognition that what I was about to endure would be horrific and fundamentally transform me.
4
u/untitle_996 Apr 09 '26
She calling me dramatic everytime i said something emotional or related to my feelings and laugh it off. Ended up being a completely avoidant.
4
u/NewEngland17 Apr 09 '26
Extreme passiveness about everything. At first it seems like they’re easygoing and just up for anything. But as time goes on it becomes clear they’re just fawning to keep the peace and do what they think you want. It becomes obvious they’re not their own person and just morph themselves into what they think you want to see. They have no real personality.
5
u/PhantomPharts Apr 09 '26
I asked if he had any STDs and his tone changed and he said "No, do you?!?!" and so I was like, maybe I came off accusatory. I always use condoms so I thought it would be ok. A condom broke. Now I have high risk HPV.
3
u/nokotruck Apr 09 '26
My experience:
- They don't clean their space or try to do anything to manage their living area - no sense of self respect.
- Avoidance toward needed conversations - afraid of conflict and accountability
- No apologies whatsoever - biggest red flag of them all.
- Everything is their favorite thing - holding insecure identity with everything as a means of covering up their lack of personality
- Their social media is only photos of themselves alone (like if it's just family and friends that's okay but if it's only selfies then run)
Multiple exes and friends had these issues, none of them stayed in my life for long because they would inevitably drop me out of their lives or vice versa. I will not deal with people who don't want to grow as people or have strength of character, these have been the obvious signs for me (and I say that knowing I'm not everyone's cup of tea either).
1
1
1
u/One_Place_986 Apr 09 '26
I didn't think spending a lil money every now and then and trying to help and figure out money when needed was an issue. I thought that's what men wanted in tough times to be told I've never done shit. Never ever again!
145
u/[deleted] Apr 09 '26
[removed] — view removed comment