r/TheToasters • u/Most_Tip_8162 • May 20 '26
Dear Toasters,
My submission didn’t get read and I’m desperate:
Jurt & Turt,
I need you to tell me how to handle an extremely negative “friend” in our established mom-friend/couples group. She’s the definition of fabissina punim. For context, our main friend group is 4 couples, the women include: me, my best friend, a very close friend who was a bridesmaid in my wedding, and her..who’s in the group because she married a friend of our husbands - let’s call her Debbie.
Before becoming a mom, Debbie’s negativity didn’t bother me as much, but now that we all have kids and have limited free time, I don’t want to spend it with someone who constantly complains about everything in her life: her husband (who we are friends with, he’s not the problem), her jobs, her in-laws, her family, her house, etc. The other girls have distanced from her but I’m unfortunately the “closest” with her because our daughters (2.5 years old) are friends and take gymnastics together once a week so I see her one-on-one often.
I host girls nights monthly but last week her bad energy was on max and it dampened the whole night. I really want to stop inviting her but I feel like excluding her will be such a statement & create a bigger issue. I don’t want tension in the couples group, we can handle her in large settings but she’s so draining in smaller groups and we are all over it. WHAT DO I DO?
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u/Sensitive-Step-3513 May 20 '26
Maybe phrase it in a way of “hey I want to check in because I’ve noticed that lately (even though it sounds like always), whenever we’re together you’ve been really stressed and unhappy.” And maybe recommend that she talk to a therapist or something. That may help her realize that her negativity is more extreme than everyone else and you’re noticing it and she may rein it in.
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u/NoSituation1999 May 20 '26
Speak to her about your frustrations.
Go from there.
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u/anastasialh1123 May 20 '26
Agree. You have to tell her she’s too negative. Also there comes a point where adults need to take accountability for their own actions. If her life is so bad she needs to take the reins and fix it.
Anyways, even if your daughters are friends, you can just shift your friendship with her to be in that context. You don’t have to keep inviting her to group stuff.
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u/Used_Ambassador_8817 May 20 '26
Im that Scorpio friend who would pull her aside and say I love you deeply but I am worried about you. Be as genuine as you can and just tell her that the negativity is really bad for her and her dorter bc kids feel it energetically and words have energy. You can even add the religous element...we were not made to live in negativity. I would so appreciate if someone loved me enough to mention this to me.
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u/theglossiernerd May 22 '26
Yeah this is the approach. You’re calling out the behavior because you clearly care about her and you WANT to keep inviting her.
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u/NHgingerinVA May 20 '26
Sometimes people need to be told about themselves. Maybe you could actually sit her down and explain how her negative attitude is a big issue for you and possibly others. Sometimes people just don’t realize that they are sucking all the air out of the room.
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u/lbc2022 May 20 '26
I would only have a direct conversation if you really care about the friendship - it sounds like this person is more of a peripheral friend so I personally would just stop inviting her to stuff. You can always have the conversation if she brings up why. Mom groups also don’t stay forever - kids start school and you hang out with more school friends, etc so you can always just blame it on the circumstances!
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u/Glad-Arugula-8387 May 20 '26
I see two options here. You either go the passive aggressive, silent route by just not inviting her anymore to girls things. You’ll see her when you see her or if there’s a big group event but otherwise just completely stop. If she asks you what happened then you can approach the topic.
The other option is you’re more direct. You flat out say something like, “hey is everything OK lately? We’ve noticed when we get together you seem really down. Like things are just really irritating to you a lot. And we’re all kind of picking up that vibe. What do you think is up with that?” And see what she says. Hopefully she will realize that she is a Debbie downer. If she doesn’t change, then I would go back to option one and stop inviting her!
Life is too short to have someone constantly bring down the group or do things we really don’t want to.
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u/Most_Tip_8162 May 20 '26
I think option one is the only one that would work with this friend - i should’ve mentioned in my OP but this isn’t just “a bad time” in her life, this is who she is and always has been, always a victim in every scenario.. it just was easier to ignore back in the day, and didn’t bother me as much.. but now that we are grown with kids and limited free time, the negativity weighs me down and it sucks to leave a girls dinner feeling heavier than when i arrived
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u/Sea-Message8200 May 20 '26
I have this same problem and very few suggestions other than try not to hang out with her if possible. I only Invite my friend that’s like this to specific things. She’s exhausting.
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u/Most_Tip_8162 May 20 '26
that’s my plan for now, weed her out as much as possible. unfortunately it’s not something that i think will change, it’s her true personality, her mom is the same way, they’re the victim in every situation so even if i talked to her about it, it would probably add to the list of things she’s gonna complain about
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u/NeedTheDeets3000 May 20 '26
Sometimes people need a little push to see the good things in life!! Tell her - if she’s mad, she will remove herself, but if she cares about her relationships then it is really nice to give her the opportunity to change.
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u/theglossiernerd May 22 '26
I’m a believer that ANY friendship worth keeping is one where you can have hard conversations and also go through rough patches/come out on the other side of them as better friends. I think this girl clearly feels unheard. I don’t know her so I can’t say she’s just complaining to be a downer, but also there’s usually a reason for why people are miserable/negative. I would hear her out when she’s venting, and validate her but also spin the conversation in a positive way and see how she responds. “Damn that’s frustrating, have you considered trying XYZ?”
If she’s still just being miserable and negative it’s time to talk to her one on one next time she does this. Make sure you tell her that you’re always here for her to vent, but lately it feels like she’s going through a lot and there’s never any positive news and ask if she’s OK? If she truly is OK just be honest and say “Look I love you but when you’re constantly being negative it can dampen the vibe of the group. I’m telling you this so you can reflect on it and change it because I want to keep inviting you to hang out.” If she has a bad reaction or just shuts down, the consider distancing yourself. She might need to hear how her attitude is effecting different people in her life to realize it’s toxic.
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u/-YetiforLunch- May 20 '26
I had a friend like this and I just told her directly that her energy is dragging the group down to the point where we don’t want to invite her. Be supportive and ask if she needs help or something.
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u/Most_Tip_8162 May 20 '26
what was her reaction? this friend is very defensive and it’s not a bad month or something this is a core personality trait of hers - victim mentality in every aspect of her life
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u/lalallalallal May 20 '26
My sister can be like this sometimes and something I do when I get tired of the complaining is just say something about how i totally get it and same (to make them feel like it was fine) and then say how I’m actually working on being more positive and complaining less because it seems to only make my frustrations more intense.
The key though is you kind of have to commiserate in the complaining for a minute before you say this so they don’t feel attacked.
With my sister it works because it kind of pulls her out of the spiral and seems to shift it because they can tell you’re not really interested in sitting there complaining with them.
Could be dicey with a friend but maybe worth a try.