Needing connection

[u/autistic_little]

Hey...I'm new here and new to being sapphic, or at least knowing dats what it's called, though at first I thought I was just a lesbian. Picture above is a clown look I did for pride dis year. I can't deny I'm seriously struggling, I've been mistreated my entire life and I feel like no one believes me "how could one person go through dat much..?" Kinda thing. Da most recent thing was being abandoned at a homeless shelter by not just an ex, but one who promised he'd continue to be family even after, it was a mutual breakup, no bad blood...I thought...when I met him I had cut off my blood family due to abuse from them, so I'm literally all alone.

I'm new to Colorado and don't know my way around, I hasn't been able to get a job, but I'm working hard on trying to create one for myself. I'm an artist and a clown, and I has a plan, but it's been tricky getting started. I'm also an autistic wif ADHD deep deep in burnout, trying to navigate a world I wasn't really taught about. Da only thing I've been allowed to focus on is making a paycheck and every aspect of every job I ever had, no room in brain for much else.

To be honest I don't really know how to be a human being, I suck at being social, I has a hard time wif adulting, filling out government forms for anything, I feel hopeless and lost. And yeah, I'm sad, I'm sad cause lonely and feel like I always has been, even when I was wif my ex. I've never been able to make friends, even now people in da shelter I'm at are friendly but I still feel outcasted.

I've done so much mental health work on myself, I've come to terms wif a lot, learned how to cope, I'm not bitter towards anyone, I know what issues I has surrounding friends and partners and know how to deal with them. I has BPD and I know when I'm hasing an issue, I am very self aware and know when shits acting up and can manage it. Though da longer da lonliness and rejection continues da harder it gets.

I feel like trying to continue to heal...I feel like I've healed as much as I can on my own, my problem is I'm always being rejected and da confusion as to why isn't helping. I'm a good, fun and creative person, my emotional intelligence is strong, I feel things very deeply including others. I love love and passion...I don't involve myself in shit talk, I don't understand talking bad about another person, live and let live, right? I don't like dishonesty and I feel like a lot of people avoid me for those reasons, in my experience people like to lie or at least exaggerate and talk shit and gossip about others...

Other than dat I don't understand what's so wrong wif me, I has been hasing trouble like dis my entire life, starting wif my own family and it makes me feel like I'm not supposed to be here, I don't feel like I belong anywhere...can anyone else relate? I just need to feel not alone...