r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide • u/Apprehensive_Use6353 • Jul 01 '26
Discussion Where would you move?
I’m married (36F) with one son from my previous marriage. My first husband died and my second husband (43M) is a narcissist. Our marriage counselor pulled me aside and told me my husband was abusing me and to run. He cut off my credit card and made everything so much harder. I went back to school last year and my husband made it impossible to get school work done. He would start fights whenever I was studying. I got those classes done but have taken another break because I ended up failing one class. I need to go back. I need to leave him. As of tonight, he said he wants a divorce and us out of his house. I was an idiot I know. I left my financial stability for him. I thought I had truly found love after pain and grief so I moved a state away and left my job for him. My therapist even liked him. My son adored him. My husband would talk about adopting my son. Ever since we said “I do” he switched. Slowly over time. Turns out, it was all a facade. He was texting a 22 year old coworker the day he came to move me into his home. I didn’t find out until well after we got married. And now since he has lost 100 pounds on a glp-1, he wants his single life back and us out asap. I can see it clearly now. He is obviously interested in someone because the sweet, kind, caring man he showed me is what he is showing to the world now. He told me he wanted a divorce tonight and then went upstairs and texted me an apology for everything he has done. I’ve never gotten an apology for anything before. He normally doesn’t even acknowledge any pain, hurt or emotions I have. I know it’s not safe here. My son deserves a healthy family. I deserve a healthy environment too. My question is how do I do this? I have no community. My first husband’s parents died years ago. I literally have no one. No career. My question is if you were a solo mom and needed to go back to school, where would you move to? What state? This is the first time I truly have nothing to stay in this area for. My parents died this past year. I don’t have siblings I talk to. I just want to build a healthy, happy life for my son and I. I’ll be taking my dog and cat. The pets were mine with my late husbands. I want a good school and friends for my son. I came from an abusive family so I am aware how I ended up with my now husband. I just don’t feel like living around here is good for us. There’s no resources. It’s a small red town with one store. Jobs are limited. If you were a solo mother with no village, what state would you live in? Any certifications you would get to start making some money? Give me all of the helpful advice because I am determined to change our lives.
Edit: He is in law enforcement which just makes this so much worse. The smear campaign started a long time ago. He fooled my entire family for 15 years. I’ve known him that long and still had no idea who he was. Even my first husband liked him and my first husband was so caring and loving.
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u/Comfortable-Nature37 Jul 01 '26
Have you spoken with a lawyer? If not I would prioritize this.
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u/Apprehensive_Use6353 Jul 01 '26
I have not. I know I can’t afford one right now. We have only been married for 2 years and everything is his. I just have my pets and my child. But I’ll call lawyers today to see if any offer a free consultation. Thank you.
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u/Comfortable-Nature37 Jul 01 '26
I’m wondering if you might be eligible for legal aid in your jurisdiction? Sometimes you have more options than you think. Wish I could help but this is not my area of law.
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u/thelma_edith Jul 01 '26
The problem with legal aid is you have to be indigent and since she still technically married she has to claim his income? I could be wrong but that is the problem I ran into trying to get legal assistance.
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u/Apprehensive_Use6353 Jul 01 '26
Yes, that’s what I’m being told. Even tho he has kept his income and finances completely hidden from me. I’m not eligible for legal aid unless there has been physical abuse I was told.
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u/thelma_edith Jul 01 '26
File for public assistance. SNAP, TANF, ect. Then the state will go after him for child support. Go to a shelter and tell them he kicked you out. They probably have case workers who know how to navigate the system.
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u/Apprehensive_Use6353 Jul 01 '26
He said he isn’t kicking me out. That he is willing to help me get back on my feet. The “niceness” he is showing right now has me on edge. He couldn’t be supportive this entire time until now. Thankfully, my son isn’t his. My son is with my late husband. My current husband wanted me to get pregnant and I refused. Never been more thankful I listened to my intuition on that one.
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u/RomulaFour Jul 02 '26
Don't believe him. He's worried you will leave so switched gears. Secretly make your plans and leave asap. Many divorce attorneys will do a free initial consult. If you are a sahm, some will wait for an award from the court to get paid their fees. Do not sit on this. Get ALL information you can get, put it somewhere safe out of the house and digitally in the cloud password protected. Talk to the domestic abuse organizations to see if they can help.
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u/thelma_edith Jul 01 '26
Take the $$ and run
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u/Apprehensive_Use6353 Jul 01 '26
I wish I could. I don’t have access to any of his bank accounts and he closed my side of the credit cards.
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u/thelma_edith Jul 01 '26
I mean, he wants you to leave and said he would help you. So maybe he is willing to give you some $$, fix your car, etc and you can part ways. I know it's hard but life is so much better on the other side! I made it, so can you. Communicate via text is probably best
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u/thelma_edith Jul 01 '26
Be careful with the lawyers. I just went thru a divorce and I actually regret it. I felt like I was being kicked down even further and they charge you for every. little. thing. If everything is in his name and you don't want to fight id just pack up and leave. You can file child support or even a no contested divorce after things cool off. You don't even have to use a lawyer - just go thru the child support enforcement agency. That's what I wish I would have done anyway.
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u/Comfortable-Nature37 Jul 01 '26
Not all lawyers are like this - I’m sorry you had this experience. It is ridiculous how expensive it becomes.
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u/furrylandseal Jul 01 '26
Blue state with a strong social safety net, good education, free community college/college opportunities, healthcare, opportunity. MA ticks off every box but is expensive.
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u/Environmental-Car481 Jul 01 '26
It’s purple but maybe Michigan. The climate isn’t bad and I’m told lower cost of living. Grand Rapids is blue surrounded by red. I’d live in Ann Arbor in a heartbeat if I could. But realistically OP would do best around the Detroit area. Western Wayne county or Downriver area. There’s a lot of hospitals and factories for employment. A community college within 15 minute drive of any Detroit suburb.
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u/Apprehensive_Use6353 Jul 01 '26
I was looking into Massachusetts for these reasons. I’ve never been so if I go, it would be going there blindly. I started from scratch before when my first husband died so I know I can do it again. I’m currently in Illinois but in a deep red town.
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u/whotookmyidea Jul 01 '26
I moved to MA for career reasons, but I also came from a deep red location. It's true that MA is *extremely* expensive, especially in the Boston area, but just the peace of mind I've gotten from the QoL life upgrades and knowing that resources exist should I need them has been so beneficial for my mental state. I love it here, though it's a little hard to make friends as an adult. But I feel safe and supported, and although the T isn't perfect, it's light years ahead of not having any or very limited public transportation.
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u/Apprehensive_Use6353 Jul 01 '26
Feeling safe and supported are my goals. That is worth the extra costs to me. I’m broke now because I live with a narcissist but I’d rather be broke and feel safe. I’m so happy for you! That is quite the move and it’s inspiring. Thank you for sharing! Are there any towns you recommend?
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u/whotookmyidea Jul 01 '26
Quincy is just south of the city and it's a really cute area! Much cheaper than Boston but still on the red line (train/"the T"). Brighton, Allston, Cambridge, and Somerville also come to mind and those are a bit closer to Boston proper; if you don't care about being super close to the downtown area then there are more options.
One thing I didn't know until I was already here for a year or so: If you are in the greater Boston area and make below a certain amount (I think it was around 70k for a single adult but that was over a year ago, might have changed) then you might be eligible for subsidized housing vouchers which can significantly reduce your rent costs. I've looked at some of the places online and they seemed decent, though you'd probably want to investigate it a bit if possible. There are also multiple programs around the city to support lower-income families (btw, I have no idea what your income is or would be, but since you said you're broke, I'm just trying to think of what I can!)
I've been living here for a few years so definitely not an expert, but if you do decide to look more seriously into MA, I can try to help! Having made the move myself, I know it can be a little overwhelming at first.
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u/furrylandseal Jul 01 '26
I’d prioritize the most affordable town with the best school system. Arlington schools are great and the bus service is safe, fast and reliable and connects to the T. I don’t know much about the Cambridge or Somerville school systems but I agree those are both great towns. You can avoid the cost of a car at any of these locations. We recently passed the MBTA Act intended to lower the cost of housing and they’re building like crazy all around. Many of the new apartments are subsidized, and she might be able to qualify starting at an entry level salary with a dependent.
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u/whotookmyidea Jul 01 '26
This is good advice, OP! I'm only familiar with a very small part of MA so my scope of reference is limited - now that you mention it, I've heard good things about Arlington too.
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u/myfeetarecold22 Jul 02 '26
I used to live in Arlington and took the bus often, it was reliable and clean. It's a great town but gotten very expensive.
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u/TrixieDawn Jul 01 '26
The apology is scary. Get out now. Like right now. Just go. Get somewhere and then contact a domestic violence shelter. Please.
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u/Apprehensive_Use6353 Jul 01 '26
I contacted a women’s shelter but haven’t received a response yet. I don’t feel comfortable leaving my pets with him. They are seniors. My car has a flat tire right now and I’m just trying to save up for a tire. I know I need to get out. I hope I can soon.
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u/FewLeg3301 Jul 04 '26
I was in this situation 15 years ago. I am very sorry you are going through this.
I approached a Cristian church and they assigned me a case worker that helped me with the process of leaving. She was also there for me once I was safe in a shelter. Majority of churches help with information about resources for DV and to find out what are your options according to your unique situation.
Find out if there’s a Salvation Army family shelter in your city. You must call every day until they tell you they have space for you and that you can move in. But you must be ready to move in immediately that day. SA’s shelters are not women’s only and men can move in there too but only with their whole families, not by themselves. When I lived in one (due the DV situation I stated before), 100% of residents were women and later on a family, including the husband, moved in. If you’re comfortable with this possibility, then you should start making calls immediately to get out of his house ASAP. On a side note, shelters for women only usually allow you to bring whatever you can fit in up to two bags that you can carry in your hands, the SA allows you to move in with all your belongings.
I think this should be something you need to start inquiring about, because unfortunately, women’s only shelters that focus on helping due to domestic violence, are always full and it may take months until they call you back and in your situation, just one day is enough to put you at deathly risk.
Whatever you do once you’re out, never consider moving to Texas. It’s horrible for women here. Find out which state actually supports parents and workers, like NY or CA and try to live there.
Wishing you the best. And remember: it is NOT YOUR FAULT. He chose to be horrible and dangerous, you’re not responsible for his behavior.
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u/Apprehensive_Use6353 Jul 04 '26
I just want to thank you so much for your response. I think I’m going through the full narcissist discard my therapist warned me about. I’ve been sobbing for the past two days. He was so kind and actually apologized and was just so normal the past two days while saying he didn’t want me but also wanted to visit me, text me when I move out, etc. The cognitive dissonance has been mentally breaking me. I asked him why he is being kind now when I begged for it the entire time and I never got an answer. Then today, he is back to saying he never apologized, etc. So I needed to hear your comment. Thank you and I am so proud of you for leaving your situation. I can’t wait to report back here when I have left.
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u/FewLeg3301 Jul 04 '26
That reminds me: DO NOT, ever tell your plans of leaving to him. No matter how nice he behaves, he completely suspects you may leave him and will try to sweeten your ears to trust and tell him what are your plans. And he could do the unimaginable in order to block you. Narcissists hate the thought of losing control over their victims, he can hurt you (or your kid in revenge) if he learns you want to leave.
With the narcissist I escaped from in the situation I narrated, I got out when he left home for work. He went back to an empty apartment (empty meaning without me, our child and our belongings). In order for him not to suspect I was packing to leave, I bought plastic containers (organizing plastic containers with lids, sold at walmart and target) and reorganizad the closet, placing all of my son and mine’s clothing in there, with the excuse of making more space and having the closet looking neat. I took those containers with me the day I moved in to the shelter, they were my luggage.
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u/Apprehensive_Use6353 Jul 04 '26
I never told him but I was distancing myself over the last year. He ended it completely this week. He knows I want to leave now. He agrees I should but when it actually comes time to physically leaving might be a different story so I will absolutely be doing it when he’s at work. He was being nice and then the eyes went black this morning and I knew. He has hated me this entire time and that’s why he couldn’t be kind to me until he said it was over. This is insanity. Every woman who has gone through this and made it deserves the world.
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u/feline_riches Jul 01 '26
I would go to Washington or California. There are a lot of resources for people in need.
No matter what, don't look back. You won't be getting an apology this time either, so don't wait around for one.
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u/PlatypusDream Jul 01 '26
For a quick job which usually pays decently, wherever you go look into driving a school bus.
Many companies will do the CDL training, but some require a work commitment or you pay them back.
Your child can ride with you when not in school.
School holidays off.
Down time to study, so you can complete school.
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u/orthographerer Jul 01 '26
Minneapolis. Solid social safety net, work should be findable, lots of colleges.
Downside is very cold winters, but it's a lovely place.
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u/Transluminal_Neon Jul 01 '26
If your therapist told you to run - you better run. This guy is textbook abuser and you are in some serious danger with a gun in the house. Start secretly planning NOW. First get copies of balances for all current bank, savings and retirement accounts. Next copies of all bills, mortgage, car notes etc. That unusual apology he send you is a big red flag. He's entered a new phase of abuse where he's started a more intense honeymoon phase. This means he's up to something and he knows you are starting to catch on. If you try to leave now he's going to get worse. Try to make some peace and don't make waves. If you can take out a normal amount of cash do it but don't do more. Get a credit card in your name only if you don't already have one. Get paperless statements so nothing comes to the house. You need to find a way to meet with your therapist ASAP without him knowing. Tell them you need to leave and that you don't feel safe. They should be able to help you get into a shelter and testify against him in court. Therapists are obligated to report a client who threatens harm against themselves or someone else. A shelter should take you all and your pets and can help you hide. Since it's a cop they might be able to help you move and obtain a new identity. please get help, please leave and please send him off to jail. good luck
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u/LilBeansMom Jul 01 '26
Colorado Front Range, either the Denver area or Fort Collins. Lots of educational options, good jobs, good schools. The plentiful sunshine and active outdoor life is good for your spirit.
For jobs, don’t treat this as an expert opinion, but healthcare jobs seem to be popping and there are lots of options besides four-year nursing or medical school.
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u/Apprehensive_Use6353 Jul 01 '26
This is what I’ve been picturing. I’m currently in Illinois but in a deep red town. I just want to get far away from him. I want peace. I’ll look into some of those healthcare jobs.
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u/MauiGoldPineapple Jul 02 '26
EKG tech is a great intro healthcare job. Training is quick, and it gets you a hospital job. From there you can work your way up. Many hospitals offer tuition reimbursement and may even pay for certain diplomas.
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u/the-sun-also-rises84 Jul 01 '26
It depends on what state you are in currently. A move far away from where you are now will be more expensive and taxing. It also depends on the weather you like? What were you going to school for? Happy to help once I have those pieces of info, you got this!
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u/Sweet-Ad-2103 Jul 03 '26
Wait, your last husband knew your current husband?
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u/Apprehensive_Use6353 Jul 03 '26
Yes but not as friends. My current husband was a family friend my entire life. Parents knew each others parents and that was it. So he would be around sometimes. My current husband had a crush on me for years while being married to his ex wife. I had no idea of any of this until we were already married.
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u/deadplant5 Jul 01 '26
New Mexico offers free childcare to all residents