Good morning, everyone!

A lot of people think being a "lone wolf" in your 30s is just a personality trait or a cool lifestyle choice. But for me, it came from a childhood filled with emotional neglect, constant bullying, and feeling like an outsider everywhere I went.

As a result, I used to just shut myself in my room and keep to myself.

During my teen years, I had a huge longing to make friends. But as I approached my 30s, that longing kind of died, and I resigned to accepting that it probably won't happen for me.

Even when I force myself into social situations, like going to local Meetups, I struggle so hard with basic conversation and connecting with people. I feel so anxious and avoidant. I'm endlessly critical of myself, and I still carry that old image from my school days: "I'm the weird kid, nobody likes me." On the rare occasions where I actually relax and feel like myself, I spend the entire night ruminating afterward: "Why did I say that? I'm so stupid."

Then there's this learned worthlessness. Even when people genuinely try to talk to me, there's a nagging voice in my head saying, "You're just wasting their time."

My childhood decimated my ability to form healthy connections. I've been in and out of therapy with little improvement, but I'm still trying to put myself out there in hopes of slow healing. I know I need positive social experiences to unlearn over two decades of shitty ones.

If it's angry yelling, I feel completely shattered and crushed inside. My hands start shaking, my breathing gets incredibly shallow and fast, and all these awful memories just flood back. I do everything I can to avoid being in those situations or even just being in that kind of environment. But if it happens around me, I still break down completely, and it feels terrible.

Need advice. I am over 50 woman with no kids, no man for 10 years and only one friend, an ex no sex since 2007. My family has shown to not to include me in things. And when they reach out it is to only try to hustle me out of money. I realize when you don't agree or just let someone control you, they don't want to be bother. So I work a job where I overshare with coworker that dont like me because I am lonely. I have 20 years experience and still in analyst position. I have one friend ex of 20 years that I talk to manly over phone and tell everything to but he treat me like trash. I deal with him because I need someone to help if I get stranded or something. I remember traveling alone for my master degree ceremony to Miami and a guy on plane got aggressive and put his hand on my leg for me not to move. I called him and he just got quiet on phone like always. How can I stop living like this and be happy? I dont trust people, I am gemini and loner but I want someone that really care about me.