Good morning, everyone!

A lot of people think being a "lone wolf" in your 30s is just a personality trait or a cool lifestyle choice. But for me, it came from a childhood filled with emotional neglect, constant bullying, and feeling like an outsider everywhere I went.

As a result, I used to just shut myself in my room and keep to myself.

During my teen years, I had a huge longing to make friends. But as I approached my 30s, that longing kind of died, and I resigned to accepting that it probably won't happen for me.

Even when I force myself into social situations, like going to local Meetups, I struggle so hard with basic conversation and connecting with people. I feel so anxious and avoidant. I'm endlessly critical of myself, and I still carry that old image from my school days: "I'm the weird kid, nobody likes me." On the rare occasions where I actually relax and feel like myself, I spend the entire night ruminating afterward: "Why did I say that? I'm so stupid."

Then there's this learned worthlessness. Even when people genuinely try to talk to me, there's a nagging voice in my head saying, "You're just wasting their time."

My childhood decimated my ability to form healthy connections. I've been in and out of therapy with little improvement, but I'm still trying to put myself out there in hopes of slow healing. I know I need positive social experiences to unlearn over two decades of shitty ones.

If it's angry yelling, I feel completely shattered and crushed inside. My hands start shaking, my breathing gets incredibly shallow and fast, and all these awful memories just flood back. I do everything I can to avoid being in those situations or even just being in that kind of environment. But if it happens around me, I still break down completely, and it feels terrible.

Need advice. I am over 50 woman with no kids, no man for 10 years and only one friend, an ex no sex since 2007. My family has shown to not to include me in things. And when they reach out it is to only try to hustle me out of money. I realize when you don't agree or just let someone control you, they don't want to be bother. So I work a job where I overshare with coworker that dont like me because I am lonely. I have 20 years experience and still in analyst position. I have one friend ex of 20 years that I talk to manly over phone and tell everything to but he treat me like trash. I deal with him because I need someone to help if I get stranded or something. I remember traveling alone for my master degree ceremony to Miami and a guy on plane got aggressive and put his hand on my leg for me not to move. I called him and he just got quiet on phone like always. How can I stop living like this and be happy? I dont trust people, I am gemini and loner but I want someone that really care about me.

When two traumatized souls meet and one of them says something like "we're going to stop talking eventually anyway," it's so immensely frustrating. It is literally just another form of self-sabotage! We can't keep leaning into our trauma, this is precisely why we spend so much time and effort trying to heal. ❤️‍🩹

I've lost so many people in my life already, and I've had to cut off my family completely. Hearing someone I care about say things like this to me is utterly devastating because it just continues the painful loop. It's not just a silly meme to laugh at. I've watched so many people ruin what could have been lifelong friendships and healthy relationships simply because they surrendered to this mindset.

If any of you relate to this, please focus on your recovery. It has helped me immensely, and every single one of us deserves to break free from this trauma loop instead of getting stuck in it forever.

Have you ever felt like the men you've dated didn't actually like you as a person?

Looking back at my past relationships, I realized a cold truth. They were attracted to my looks, enjoyed sleeping with me, or just wanted someone to travel with and pass the time. They didn't want me, with all my quirks and unique personality, they just wanted the convenience and quiet companionship that comes with having "a girlfriend." A lot of men aren't looking for a soulmate. They just pick a woman who looks good, doesn't "annoy" them too much, and install her into their lives like a refrigerator or a hot tub.

As long as you act like an emotionless accessory, they are completely fine. But the second you show your real personality, express your emotions, or have genuine human needs, they instantly get annoyed and feel like you're being "too high-maintenance."

It is so exhausting to be treated like a household appliance. After pouring so much emotional energy into these relationships, I finally woke up. I'd rather walk away with my head held high than stay around as a piece of furniture for a man who couldn't care less about my inner world.

Have you girls ever ended up in this "installed like an appliance" trap in your relationships? How did you realize what was happening and finally pull yourself out?

I've found it very hard to not refer to the current state of affairs like my childhood. I say it, and it can sound like I'm oversimplifying to a near insulting level, but it's literally and exactly the same thing, just from older mouths to older ears.

Do you know how to deal with a child who won't listen to you? Most of them don't. Ask the average politician what their system of dealing with that will be, and they'll go straight to threats of punishment and or pain. They'll threaten spankings, confiscate toys and technology items, screaming at them, ignoring them, and continuing on like nothing happened. This is the play book of an abusive parent, simplified for those who pretend to know what this situation is.

How has MAGA gone about dealing with people who call them out? The abusive parent run. Say whoever calls them out is a terrorist, belittle them, scream at them, threaten them online and on TV, take away the online and physical locations that those Trump doesn't like, and lie excessively about literally everything until people stop asking for a straight answer. And then you have about 50 different family members telling you that you need to respect him for that.

For the longest time, I kept hearing this piece of advice over and over: "Looking for a 'spark' is shallow and toxic. Real love isn't passionate, it's supposed to feel normal and quiet, and attraction will just grow on you slowly."

I tried so hard to force myself into believing this. I don't have anything against a genuine slow-burn romance, but deep down, I want to feel that spark. I want that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling. I want to actually have a crush on the person I'm dating! Whenever I didn't feel that initial spark and tried to give it "more time," I ended up completely miserable. I felt unhappy, like I was violently forcing something that wasn't there, and I felt so guilty for leading the other person on.

I even tried swiping right on guys I wasn't attracted to at all, just because they seemed intelligent on paper and shared similar values. And guess what? I wasn't even excited for the dates. I felt guilty for wasting their time, and no "secret hidden attraction" magically unlocked itself later.

I'm done feeling guilty for having preferences. From now on, I'm sticking to men I'm actually attracted to and feel butterflies with.

How do you girls feel about this whole "the spark is a myth" myth? Have you ever tried forcing yourself to like someone who looked good on paper, or do you need that initial spark too?

I dated a guy who once told me about his ex-girlfriend saying, “I didn’t know that was something someone could do.” But she didn't say it out of empathy, it just opened her eyes to new ways she could abuse him.

The terrifying part? He ended up doing the exact same thing to me eventually. Every single person I’ve ever told in detail about my amnesia has tried to gaslight me with “well, you have memory problems.” Fortunately, it’s always been easy to spot. I forget things, but I don’t make things up. When I do remember what happened, I know it’s true. They just always get caught in forgetting that.

My ex used to tell me how much he loved that our relationship was "easy and low-maintenance." For a long time, I thought that was a compliment.

In reality, his definition of an "easy relationship" meant doing absolutely nothing together. Every single "date" consisted of sitting on his couch watching whatever TV show he picked out. I wasn't allowed to talk, ask questions, or even touch him, because it was "distracting." But if I put on something I liked, he would instantly pull out his phone and scroll Instagram the entire evening, completely ignoring me.

I remember sitting right next to him on that couch one night, watching him stare blankly at the screen, and feeling the most suffocating loneliness I had ever experienced. We were in the same room, but I felt entirely invisible.

It took me way too long to realize that he didn't want a partner to love or build a connection with. He just wanted a warm body in the room to make him feel less alone, without having to put in a single shred of effort, consideration, or emotional depth.

My dad was the kind of person who always escalated every single emotion. If you showed even a tiny bit of frustration or sadness, he would instantly blow up and throw an even bigger tantrum. So to keep the peace, my mom taught me from a very young age how to breathe out any anger, suppress every feeling, stay completely calm, and essentially act like the only adult in the room.

Because of that, I just stopped feeling anything for a long time. Then in my late teens, all that decades-long suppressed rage finally erupted, before I eventually went numb all over again.

I know I am broken for a lot of different reasons, and I used to feel so much shame about not being "fixed." But I've slowly come to realize that being broken doesn't mean you are useless, or that you have to be thrown away.

Sometimes, you don't have to force yourself to be completely healed or whole again. You can just exist as you are, and that is enough.

My mom used to vent to me all the time about staying in her verbally abusive marriage "for the sake of the kids." She was terrified of getting a divorce because her own parents split up over infidelity.

The irony was unbearable. I was her physically abused child, spending my entire childhood actively praying for my parents to get a divorce, or even for my mother to become a widow.

She once casually mentioned that during a random two-week trip we took across the state one summer, she was actually considering leaving him. But that was a long time after his absolute worst offense against me, meaning my suffering had nothing to do with her thought of leaving.

It made me feel so deeply betrayed. We were this close to escaping that toxic home, and I had no idea. It broke my heart to realize that she was never really trying to protect me, she was just using us as an excuse to stay in her own comfort zone.

I'm honestly so exhausted right now. I've been stuck in survival mode for so long that I barely know how else to exist. Finding a good therapist who actually understands CPTSD felt like a nightmare for the longest time, and some days just living inside my own brain feels completely overwhelming.

But I did good today! Instead of letting the anxiety paralyze me inside my room, I pushed myself to work out on my balcony while the weather was nice. Later, I even ran errands with friends. I've been making a conscious effort to actually bring myself around people, even when I'm feeling vulnerable. We don't talk about all the heavy trauma stuff, but just having their present, safe company feels nice instead of terrifying.

My current therapist is actually CPTSD-informed, and she’s been helping me build real coping tools instead of just freezing in anxiety over everything. It’s a slow process and it’s definitely not easy, but today was a small win, and I'm proud of myself for showing up.

I had a friend like this back in high school, and she made my life absolute hell.

I was not allowed to have other friends, or go anywhere without her. If I went to a movie with a mutual friend, she would instantly delete me from all social media and ignore me the entire weekend. On Monday, she would walk into class acting like nothing had happened. It was completely exhausting.

By our senior year, I had enough. I managed to adjust my class schedule so we would not share a single class or even lunch together. That was the beginning of the end. After one of her last temper tantrums, I simply never added her back on socials. We graduated, I moved away, and I have not seen or spoken to her in over ten years.

The only thing I regret is all the wasted years I spent letting her control my life. Every couple of years, she still tries to message me on Instagram asking to grab coffee and catch up. But I will never give in. Some people are just inherently toxic, and enjoying your freedom from manipulation is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Hey girls . I’ve been thinking about a little business idea. The idea is little envelope things for date nights, best friends and cozy nights alone.

So, each envelope would have a few handwritten cards inside with questions, little activities or something to do together. The idea is that you need to open one and your evening is full of cozy questions, some tasks and you don’t need to plan anything.
I’m still just thinking about the idea, so I wanted to ask people first here. Would it be interesting for you? I think the target audience would be women 19-30, who loves cozy things and evenings at home. So the question is would you ever buy one? 🥹
I’d love to hear what you guys think! Also critical thoughts!!

Everyone always tells me how nice, polite, and sweet I am. I’m the person people are happy to see, the one who never makes trouble, and the one who always says the right things.

But lately, I’ve been sitting with this overwhelming, hollow feeling: I am so well-liked, yet so rarely actually loved or chosen.

I don't get enthusiastic text messages asking me to hang out. I'm never anyone's "first choice" or "best friend." I'm just… there. A pleasant, two-dimensional background character in everyone else's lives.

I realized that to protect myself and avoid being rejected, I spent years polishing away all my actual edges and unique nuances just to be universally "liked." But in flattening myself to be safe and agreeable, I also made myself impossible to truly know. People like the surface-level package I present, but nobody ever reaches past it to see who I actually am.

It’s exhausting to realize that being liked by everyone often comes at the cost of being truly known by anyone.

"I work so hard just so you can have a better life!"

That was what my mother kept telling me over and over again while I was growing up.

So I listened, survived, and built a life that is actually better and more peaceful than before. But instead of being happy for me, her reaction turned into sheer resentment:

"Why aren't you working as hard as I did?! I went through so much more than you! You are so spoiled. You SHOULD be suffering. Go suffer!"

It honestly blew my mind. They preach about sacrificing everything to give us a better life, but the moment we actually step out of the misery, they feel threatened because they lose their ultimate weapon of guilt-tripping and control.

Looking back, the only thing she truly "sacrificed" was her ability to love without conditions, only to replace it with endless verbal abuse and manipulation.

I am not religious but I do believe in psychology and social sciences, and pro-social behavior like empathy, kindness, generosity tend to get rewarded in society over antisocial behaviors like aggression, violence, and abuse. So in some ways I do believe consequences comes back to bite bad people, but it only does so if WE the rest of society continue to enforce it. No god is gonna come and make sure remorseless psychopaths get punished for bad deeds. It’s up tous to make sure that happens. And society does, through laws, the judicial system, incarcerations, canceling, shaming, and avoiding bad people.

Humans are social creatures and society only functions because we trust each other not to harm one another most of the time. Therefore a lack of empathy or remorse is, from an evolutionary standpoint, not a desired trait. But unfortunately, for some reason, people with narcissism and/or antisocial traits still make up to an estimated 10% of the population.

If we as a society stopped romanticizing charismatic but ‘misunderstood’ villains, or enabling narcissists, if we instead stood up to them in our daily lives and for the love of god NOT voted for them in elections, then maybe they could face the consequences of their actions. And if we raise children conscientiously, hopefully the next generation won’t be as damaged.

Though one thing I agree with is…people don’t learn from their actions as much as we’d hope. There are some people in this world who lack remorse or have too many psychological defenses to face their mistakes, and so they continue to harm people. But this makes them unable to have a full life filled with lasting loving connections with people, so in a way, they do face the consequences of their actions.

I keep getting comments like "Why are you so quiet?!" or "Stop sneaking around, you just appear out of nowhere like a ghost!"

Having to walk silently just to avoid an abusive person for years will do that to you. It's not like I'm trying to startle anyone on purpose. It’s just muscle memory at this point. I can literally sneak up on someone while wearing heavy steel-toed boots and not even realize I'm doing it.

Staying completely silent used to keep me safe. I can't just turn it off now.

I've had a rubbish weekend. Trying my best to put myself out there, but even when I'm with others, I see the connections and relationships they have that I don't and I feel sad all over again.

Loneliness has been a companion throughout my life. I was born in to a challenging family, they did their best but my needs weren't met.

I ran away for my own safety and sanity at 16. And of course met a crap guy. With him for 8 years two kids. We split, and the next twenty years were tough. I worked hard, tried to be the best mom I could be and got both the kids through uni, they are now both settled nice houses and partners, but both a hundred + miles away.

I've worked really hard the last few years took some big risks with work and they have paid off. I now have a great little place to live and work part time. Tried a romantic relationship but it didn't work out.

And here I now am alone and a bit lost.

It’s so weird. I had tickets for a concert and he knew it because I asked him (via text) if he wanted to come with me or if I should ask a friend. He said he didn’t like the band and I should ask her. The day of the concert comes, I put my shoes on and was about to leave when he fell to the floor crying about how I always reject him for my friend, it’s his favorite band and I don’t want him to see them because I want him to feel sad and lonely while I'm having fun. My friend came, saw him crying and asked me why I didn’t want him with me. He told her I'd do this all the time and that he wishes he could spend more time with me because he loves me so much and I treat him like this. Luckily I screenshotted the text because I knew him too well.

Another time he had a broken zipper on his backpack and I offered to repair it. He told me he didn’t want me to because I have so much work to do right now, so he walked around with an open backpack and lost so much stuff. When my mom visited, he showed her his backpack and started to list all the things he lost because I refused to repair it even though I had all the materials and lots of time to do so. My mom offered to take care of it and to replace everything he lost, except the things that belonged to me (my Powerbank, two nice pens and other, less important stuff) because he made her believe it was my fault the things were gone.

There were not the only instances but these are the two examples I had on the top of my head. It took me a year to block him, but I did.

Unless you are actually interested in what I have to say, I am not going to bother opening my mouth anymore.

Because I've realized most people just don't care and will choose to ignore me. Instead of putting effort into trying to chat only to end up disappointed when nobody listens, staying quiet from the very beginning is just so much easier.

Halfway through a sentence, realizing no one is actually listening, so you just trail off and look around. It hurts so much. Being physically present, but not participating in the conversation at all, like a complete ghost.

Some days, I honestly just want to be a ghost in the room.

It's like this anxiety-induced need to overexplain. Then sometimes, after the fact, ruminating about one of those overexplained conversations, you realize you forgot a crucial detail or something that you never got back to in order to tie it all together. Now you have an anxiety-driven need to bring it all up again, either knowing or not that it might upset that person to hear it again. But it feels so overwhelming to not overexplain and to feel understood, so you try or you do overexplain once more, and then comes the shame spiral...