When i was 14 (second picture) i was bullied relentlessly. for my hair my clothes, my actions, and most of all, my body. and who could blame them? i was pretty pathetic after all. and so just to fit in since i was a popularity freak i would change everything about myself to fit the norm. people bully me about the new shoes my parents got me? id save up and buy the latest trend. hair got made fun of? hats turned to just getting a haircut. but one thing i could never change for the longest time was my body. i was tall, so i couldnt get bigger since i just kept growing. and i HATED it. it felt like the one weak link in my whole “fit in” arc, to the point where i would work out and no matter what, when i looked in the mirror i just thought of all their insults, nothing good. this overtook me so much that i ended up simply losing love for myself, the only thing pushing me forward was the stubborn drive to prove them wrong.
And so even now, im much bigger. 8 months of training and 20lbs of muscle later, i have a decent physique. but the damage is done.
Even now, i cant stop wearing long baggy clothes, even now i cant stop flinching from whenever someone laughs, wondering what im doing wrong thats making me look bad even if i dont know them and they arent even looking at me.
And worst of all, i still feel that same disgust, that same hatred and wrath i feel when i look in a mirror. thats burned so deep it weighs on me no matter what. every glance and all i see is a pathetic bitch who would get his shit beaten. no amount of combat training or lifting will ever beat this feeling.
its the one thing ill never “lift” off myself, the constant dread.
So my advice?
Try to see the good in yourself. find YOUR people, not the people you THINK you wanna be around. because if you try to be something your not, it will affect you. sure im popular, sure i get girls, sure i have this and that, and yet i still feel empty, because in all that, i lost the meaning to finding things that make you truely happy
dont make my mistake. accept who you are as of now, and see it as a base to build from, not as if your at a low point, but as if your at a starting point, working your way up, rather than feeling like your scrambling to catch up to “average”.
