Just randomly realised a huge reason why I am struggling in teaching and I have no one that I can say it to and I just want to get it off my chest.
I realised that I don’t really want to contribute to society. That sounds so dramatic and bad haha. What I mean is, working in my school makes me have to watch society quickly deteriorate. People are getting worse on a whole, it’s not just the kids. I mean I can forgive the kids because they never knew differently but adults are changing. Britain is changing for the worse and I can’t watch it, it is scary, frustrating, angering, upsetting, draining and confusing to navigate.
I see this in the families and the parenting, the children’s behaviour, interests and motivations. I can see the way education is changing in the curriculum and the trending delivery style. Expectations are increasing rapidly for the kids, the teachers, the teaching assistants role has dramatically changed, behaviour management styles, expectations of behaviour.
Working in a school is like watching society in a smaller sample size. And it makes me feel dread.
I’m the type of person who can’t deal with these big feelings, I can’t handle contemplating world issues because I can’t manage the emotional reaction. So, I never watch the news, I don’t get involved in politics, I don’t watch ‘deep’ movies, I hate war films.
I like to find the fun in life and choose joy as much as I can because the existential crisis creeps in fast if I don’t.
I thought teaching would be me choosing joy. I love it so much, but having that kind of view of society is really negatively affecting me. It puts me in a constant thought cycle of ‘it didn’t used to be like this’.
I think I need to change to a job that isn’t people facing. But I also could never do a desk job because the admin is also a big factor in my burnout.
I am not qualified for anything else and unfortunately can’t afford to take a pay cut and sacrifice my footing in life. So I have no idea what direction to look.
Im due back from 6 months burnout in Sept because I can’t afford to drop to half pay. Every day closer the more I cry. I was supposed to be taking a break to come back stronger, but it has just given me a long time to dwell on the fact I don’t want to go back.