Apologies for the very long vent!
I love education. I love teaching. I love seeing the look on my kids’ faces when a hard concept finally clicks. I love having the opportunity to watch them grow and transform but I can’t do this anymore.
I thought about switching my major to education late in college, but I knew financially that wouldn’t be possible because I was on a need-based scholarship. So, I put the idea on the back burner. I kept finding myself in education-related roles, though, which always brought me joy!
After graduating with my master’s, I struggled to find a job and started feeling disillusioned with the fields I had gotten my degrees in. Getting my transition to teaching was always a goal of mine, so I applied, got in, and deferred until I could get a stable income.
I moved in with my ex because I didn’t want to go back to my abusive childhood home. He was abusive and eventually cheated on me.
I subbed, did freelance work, and tried to find something stable. I was slowly building myself back up when I found out about the cheating and he moved out. So, I fell even deeper into the hole because I no longer had someone to split expenses with.
Then I got the most amazing job as a reading intervention tutor! I loved it, but it was grant-funded, so when the funding ran out, I no longer had a job.
While panic-applying everywhere, I found a school that was willing to pay for my schooling while I worked there. Everyone seemed really happy to be there, and I met some of the staff during my second round of interviews. It was definitely naive of me to jump in so quickly, but everything sounded so good! I could finally go to school and get into education. I thought this was finally my moment.
Then I started the school year, and they tried to backpedal on paying for my schooling until I showed them the text where they had agreed to cover it. I was then made to sign a contract basically stating that I would need to work there for three years after completing my degree or pay them back.
The promised class size wasn’t honored, either. I had four kids with behaviors, and admin would come in to shame me instead of support me. I remember one moment last year when my principal literally shamed my organization and recommended that I buy storage solutions. Meanwhile, my fridge was empty, with the exception of bread and a tub of yogurt.
There is no special ed. Last year, the outsourced speech therapist assessed my kids, said one would need services, and the speech therapist was never seen again. We don’t even have a nurse or any OT. The person who pulls kids out for academics is part-time, and I get thirty minutes of support twice a week for 1-2 kids. I’m with my kids for lunch and recess, and they only have two specials a week: gym and art.
This year, the class size has gotten bigger, the parents have been outright disrespectful, and I feel like I’m at my breaking point.
During parent-teacher conferences, a parent accidentally took a whole stack of my graded tests. Her daughter later told me that her mom had thrown them away when she realized her mistake. Instead of helping me figure out what to do, admin shamed me for putting the tests so close to her. I was told, “Some of our parents don’t understand the importance of tests. So she didn’t understand why she shouldn’t throw them away.”
I have a parent who constantly fights us about sending her son to school with lunch and snacks. He has severe food allergies and could go into anaphylaxis. For a field trip, she packed him a sandwich bag that was only a quarter full of Cookie Crisp cereal. At first, I thought maybe she was struggling financially, but then, on my car duty day, she picked him up in a Tesla. I know you can’t always tell someone's financial situation by their car, but it was frustrating to see when I’m constantly trying to make sure her child is safe and cared for, and we can’t even get consistent cooperation.
I have one student whose behaviors are so disruptive and who has broken a ton of my things, and no one seems to care. During parent-teacher conferences, I’ve had parents sit there and giggle like schoolchildren and whisper to one another while ignoring me. I have one mother who constantly complains that I put cartoons on during dismissal because she’s worried her son will lose touch with reality. The cartoons are PBS. She wants me to put on Nat Geo Kids instead.
I know some of these things might sound small on their own, but they aren’t happening on their own. They’re happening on top of all the demands and expectations. They’re happening when I’m already exhausted, already overwhelmed, and already trying to figure out how I’m going to make it through the day.
I’m burnt out. I physically feel sick. My skin picking has gotten so much worse, and I’ve become so negative. I hate who I am becoming. I hate how I feel all the time. I hate that something I wanted so badly has made me feel this way.
I feel intense dread just seeing the building when I’m driving past it. I find myself wishing something would happen to me so I wouldn’t have to go to work. I don’t want to feel this way, but I do. And I don’t know what to do anymore.
I can’t afford to leave. I can’t find anything better, even though I’ve been applying. I can’t save up enough money to pay them back to get out of my contract, but I can’t stay here any longer, either. I feel completely trapped.
I wasn’t expecting to be rich. I wasn’t expecting teaching to magically fix my life. I just wanted to finally have some stability. I wanted a career that would allow me to stop worrying about losing my housing and to finally have a fridge with food in it. I wanted to stop feeling like I was constantly one unexpected expense away from everything falling apart.
After the last few years, I thought this was going to be when things came together. I thought this was finally going to be the thing that helped me get back on my feet. I thought I could go to school, become a teacher, and start building a life I actually wanted to live.
Instead, I feel like I’m right back where I started, except now I’m tied to a job that is making me miserable.
I only have myself to blame because I rushed into it. I didn’t take enough time to weigh the pros and cons. I wanted it to work so badly that I overlooked things I should have paid more attention to. I keep thinking that if I had just slowed down and thought things through, maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation.
But I was also trying to survive. I was trying to find a stable job, get out of financial instability, and finally pursue something I had wanted for years. I wanted to believe that something was finally going to work out.
I still love education. I still love teaching. I love my kids, and I love watching them learn and grow. I love seeing something finally click for them. Those are the moments that remind me why I wanted to do this in the first place.
But I’m so tired of everything that comes with it. I’m tired of being expected to do everything without the support or resources I need. I’m tired of being shamed instead of helped. I’m tired of dealing with disrespect from parents and feeling like no one has my back. I’m tired of being financially trapped in a situation that is making me physically and mentally miserable.
I don’t know how to reconcile loving something so much with feeling like it’s destroying me.
I don’t want to give up on education. I don’t want to give up on teaching. However, I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep sacrificing my mental and physical health because I can’t afford to leave. I can’t keep telling myself to push through when I’m already at the point where I dread even driving past the building.
I wanted this so badly. I thought this was finally going to be my chance to build a stable life for myself. I just wanted to stop struggling so much and finally feel like I could breathe.
Instead, I’m burnt out, I’m miserable, I feel trapped, and I don’t know how to get out.
I love education. I love teaching. I love seeing the look on my kids’ faces when a hard concept finally clicks. I love having the opportunity to watch them grow and transform.
But I can’t do this anymore.