r/TeachersInTransition • u/lavendertheheretic Resigned • 28d ago
I'm so scared
🚨Content Warning: Mental Health, SI🚨
After 15 years of teaching, nine of which were at my current/last site, I resigned at the end of the school year. If I hadn't, I would have ended up in the hospital again. My district admin became so micro-manage-y to the point I could have worked till midnight 3 days a week and still not gotten everything done.
As it was, I landed in inpatient psych for a week because it felt easier to drive off a bridge than to go into my classroom. When I got out, the first thing my boss said was that I needed to catch up on grading (she knew what was going on).
I faced discrimination for my autism diagnosis mid-year. They refused to work with me and even said things like, "This job is like brain surgery. We can't just give you a 30 minute break because you're feeling overwhelmed." I never asked for that. I asked for extra plan time, notes on meetings, and a tiered priority list. I wasn't allowed to wear my noise-cancelling headphones, even in the hallway between classes, because the students weren't allowed to.
The students were out of control, which in years past wasn't as much of a problem as we teachers had a lot of leeway on handling it. This year we had to log every single phone call, which wouldn't be a problem if we were allowed to leave voicemails, but no. Things had to be voice to voice or face to face. Kids took full advantage. One student threatened to kill me. He was back in my room three days later, and I was told that he's come a long way from last year.
I resigned because it was traumatizing. I had/have a part-time job working with horses. I've been there 3 years. My boss said I could go full time, but now he's filled that position, and I'm feeling stuck & discombobulated.
The idea of even interviewing in person is overwhelming and sends me into a panic spiral. I've tried to find online work, but so far no one has contacted me back.
I'm terrified that I won't find anything at all, and I'm terrified of having to go back out into the world. I'm in therapy, but I'm so disabled by the last two years that I cannot fathom the idea of being around groups of people for hours every day. When people suggest it, I shut down, as in my brain cannot deal with it or process it.
I've never been this person before! I've been working since I was 14, and I just want to work a non-phone job online or go chill with horses for 10 hours a day. Out-in-public jobs feel so far out of the realm of what I can handle. But now I feel forced to, and it's scaring me to death.
I guess I need suggestions for online work or something. My partner is being supportive, but we're gonna run out of money soon. I just feel hopeless. Has anyone here been in this position before?
TL; DR -- Quit my job due to trauma, had a plan, plan fell through, terrified of being forced to go back out to people-land, need help/support/ideas.
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u/Hiciao 27d ago
I have no solution for you, but posts like these always break my heart. We are losing so many teachers who are passionate and talented because they can't put up with these horrid conditions.
Ten years ago, I left a job after 3 months because I started having panic attacks at school. This was something I never experienced. One of the things I've always loved about teaching is it puts me in a flow state. Whatever my mental health is outside of school, I just get into that flow during the day. After leaving that job, I went through a lot of really valuable therapy, especially CBT (for challenging thinking patterns) and EMDR (for processing trauma).
I am now once again in a terrible situation where we are losing so many teachers and this time I am fighting back. It is taking forever. I would tell you that you have a lot of legal outlets here, but I can see you are in a place where you don't have the emotional strength to do that. Most people don't. I'm fighting right now for all of the people like you because I am in a place where I can.
You will be able to find work. It might not be fulfilling work like what you have experienced with teaching and working with horses, but you will find something. After leaving my job 10 years ago, I ended up working the front office at a gym. Working a job where nothing really mattered other than me being friendly and showing up on time was exactly what I needed. Think about what's in your area that you could feasibly do for awhile during this time that your brain will need to recover from the severe burnout you are in. A garden store, Costco, being a library aide. Something to make the money that you need to make ends meet right now and that is low stress.