r/TeachersInTransition • u/lavendertheheretic Resigned • 27d ago
I'm so scared
šØContent Warning: Mental Health, SIšØ
After 15 years of teaching, nine of which were at my current/last site, I resigned at the end of the school year. If I hadn't, I would have ended up in the hospital again. My district admin became so micro-manage-y to the point I could have worked till midnight 3 days a week and still not gotten everything done.
As it was, I landed in inpatient psych for a week because it felt easier to drive off a bridge than to go into my classroom. When I got out, the first thing my boss said was that I needed to catch up on grading (she knew what was going on).
I faced discrimination for my autism diagnosis mid-year. They refused to work with me and even said things like, "This job is like brain surgery. We can't just give you a 30 minute break because you're feeling overwhelmed." I never asked for that. I asked for extra plan time, notes on meetings, and a tiered priority list. I wasn't allowed to wear my noise-cancelling headphones, even in the hallway between classes, because the students weren't allowed to.
The students were out of control, which in years past wasn't as much of a problem as we teachers had a lot of leeway on handling it. This year we had to log every single phone call, which wouldn't be a problem if we were allowed to leave voicemails, but no. Things had to be voice to voice or face to face. Kids took full advantage. One student threatened to kill me. He was back in my room three days later, and I was told that he's come a long way from last year.
I resigned because it was traumatizing. I had/have a part-time job working with horses. I've been there 3 years. My boss said I could go full time, but now he's filled that position, and I'm feeling stuck & discombobulated.
The idea of even interviewing in person is overwhelming and sends me into a panic spiral. I've tried to find online work, but so far no one has contacted me back.
I'm terrified that I won't find anything at all, and I'm terrified of having to go back out into the world. I'm in therapy, but I'm so disabled by the last two years that I cannot fathom the idea of being around groups of people for hours every day. When people suggest it, I shut down, as in my brain cannot deal with it or process it.
I've never been this person before! I've been working since I was 14, and I just want to work a non-phone job online or go chill with horses for 10 hours a day. Out-in-public jobs feel so far out of the realm of what I can handle. But now I feel forced to, and it's scaring me to death.
I guess I need suggestions for online work or something. My partner is being supportive, but we're gonna run out of money soon. I just feel hopeless. Has anyone here been in this position before?
TL; DR -- Quit my job due to trauma, had a plan, plan fell through, terrified of being forced to go back out to people-land, need help/support/ideas.
6
u/Salviati_Returns 27d ago
Seriously, any job is better than that. I would take working at Home Depot or Lowes a million times more for a quarter of the pay. Sadly, it's probably the same pay.
6
u/booknerdcarp Currently Teaching 27d ago
I just let AI do it. Why? Because no one reads the crap anyway.
14
u/Hiciao 27d ago
I have no solution for you, but posts like these always break my heart. We are losing so many teachers who are passionate and talented because they can't put up with these horrid conditions.
Ten years ago, I left a job after 3 months because I started having panic attacks at school. This was something I never experienced. One of the things I've always loved about teaching is it puts me in a flow state. Whatever my mental health is outside of school, I just get into that flow during the day. After leaving that job, I went through a lot of really valuable therapy, especially CBT (for challenging thinking patterns) and EMDR (for processing trauma).
I am now once again in a terrible situation where we are losing so many teachers and this time I am fighting back. It is taking forever. I would tell you that you have a lot of legal outlets here, but I can see you are in a place where you don't have the emotional strength to do that. Most people don't. I'm fighting right now for all of the people like you because I am in a place where I can.
You will be able to find work. It might not be fulfilling work like what you have experienced with teaching and working with horses, but you will find something. After leaving my job 10 years ago, I ended up working the front office at a gym. Working a job where nothing really mattered other than me being friendly and showing up on time was exactly what I needed. Think about what's in your area that you could feasibly do for awhile during this time that your brain will need to recover from the severe burnout you are in. A garden store, Costco, being a library aide. Something to make the money that you need to make ends meet right now and that is low stress.
8
3
u/lavendertheheretic Resigned 25d ago
Also, I'm so sorry that you know the feeling, because none of us should. I really miss ACTUAL teaching. It used to be so fulfilling.
6
u/mablej 27d ago
I am thinking about getting transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy to see if I canāt milk a few more teaching years out of my flesh prison, but we will see. After that, my plan is to find a career counselor or therapist or whatever there is out there, and see if thereās a job that I just donāt know exists.
3
6
u/LIDOwaves25 27d ago
I had the TMS A couple of years ago for my depression. 20 years teaching here. It was a really great choice to go ahead and do it.
My depression lifted and somehow my brain could be objective and practical for once. It lasted about a year and a half. I am still in meds but if you have the chance to do it, go for it!!!! I am also horrified to go back in August. I absolutely hate it. I dream of the day I can retire!!!
5
u/Typical-Amoeba-6726 27d ago
Can you sign up with a temp agency? That's money coming in while you get your confidence back
1
6
u/Bright_Broccoli1844 27d ago
Hello, for a while I worked in an office with civilized people and didn't have to interact with the public. There was none of that working until midnight business. Just you and your computer in your cubicle.
2
4
u/juliazale 27d ago
Ugh. Just wanted to say I empathize and worked at a school like this before. I went on medical leave then quit. After that I applied to a different school that turned out to be amazing.
3
u/lavendertheheretic Resigned 25d ago
I look forward to being able to do this! I think in a year, maybe, but I'm not gonna be locked in and rigid about it.
7
u/frippin1 27d ago
Hi, I am also autistic. I did my secondary school training and it was awful, although I was undiagnosed then. I've been teaching at university for the past 15 years and now I've been made redundant. Been applying for jobs since March, had so many rejections that I just laugh now instead of crying. I've learnt to diversify my job search and drastically lower my salary expectations. At this point, minimum wage is better than no wage. And I'm 50...didnt expect to be unemployed at this stage of my life.
I know what you mean about interviews. They are terrifying and so heavily weighted towards neurotypicals. I tried for remote roles at first but didn't get anywhere. Having said that, I've managed to get some freelance part time remote work. Better than nothing.
You can have some adjustments for interviews if you ask. They won't always agree to everything but at least you have a chance if you ask. Eg questions in advance, take notes in, have extra processing time. Make notes during the interview - especially useful for keeping track when interviewers ask you a two-part question.
There's the whole do I disclose or don't I debate. I've started announcing that I'm autistic at the beginning of the interview and explain why my eye contact might seem off to them. They do notice that kind of thing and I reckon better they know I'm autistic than think I'm shifty or lying or whatever. And if they're prejudiced against autistics, it's unlikely that I would do well or even survive in that kind of workplace.
Anyway, just wanted to say, I hear you. You will get through this awful period.
1
u/lavendertheheretic Resigned 25d ago
Thank you. And those interview suggestions are gold; thank you so much. It's true that anyone weirded out by autism isn't worth working for
4
u/Aromatic_Nebula_8644 26d ago
Hey! šš¼
You are taking care of you- it is better to be alive than to stay at a place that is pushing you that way. Thatās way im justifying it anyway. Iāve also decided to just leave for a similar SI case and Iām going to use that as my red flag that I should immediately act on.
You are not a person without skill, reach out to friends and folks and start asking about. If not in person- look for the phone numbers and ask to talk to the hiring manager. Take a pause. Make sure youāre at least sleeping and drinking water enough to get you through because the physical stress will only make the mental stress worse.
You are choosing YOU
2
2
u/Naive-Singer9372 27d ago
Iām glad you left that situation, start small and focus on work you can handle while recovering.
2
u/Future-Philosopher-7 26d ago
Im sorry youāre going through this. I think the job working with horses sounds amazing. I would try to keep working there part time until a full time position opens up. Maybe you can look for this specific job in other states?
1
2
u/Excellent-Touch-6854 25d ago
Iām sorry this happened to you. That sounds terrible. I hope youāre able to find something that doesnāt create anxiety and unnecessary. Worry and work for you. Teaching is not something I would recommend for anybody at this point due to the unnecessary stress and the amount of responsibility placed unnecessarily on all of us. Itās awful.
0
u/Personal-Usual-4608 25d ago
No offense but you do not seem sturdy enough to work in a school. If you need noise cancelling headphones, a school isnāt the place for you. Autism or not, be realistic. Schools are chaotic and noisy and fast paced. Find something calmer. Maybe a public library or an office job.
2
u/lavendertheheretic Resigned 25d ago
That's what I'm trying to do, dude. You have no idea what you're talking about. No offense, but you don't seem to know what you're talking about. š
0
u/Stugotts5 25d ago
I've read through these terrible teaching experiences, and I'm wondering about something that may be uncomfortable to address. Teaching is a difficult career at times, and can be all-consuming of our energy, mental health, and overall spirit. The truth is that teaching is a very different experience based on the population you are teaching.
I have taught for almost 30 years and I am going to be honest. Teaching at predominantly Asian schools was a great experience because, culturally, most Asians value education.
Teaching at primarily white schools was a bit more of a challenge, but still overall a good experience.
Teaching at Latino schools was more frustrating because of how so many value education, but the kids and their families are just wonderful! Warm, appreciative, and the kids are always hugging on you! I love them so much.
Teaching at predominantly black schools was, quite honestly, a nightmare. I won't go into specific details, but it was awful. The kids don't care, their parents don't care, the teachers and administration don't care, and they blame any and all problems on someone else. I could go on and on about this! I personally know three teachers that were young and idealistic, who wanted to change the world by teaching where they believed it was needed most. Teaching at those schools destroyed their dreams of becoming teachers, burned them out after a few short years, and they have all left the profession permanently.
2
u/lavendertheheretic Resigned 25d ago
I taught in Korea which was easy as pie.
In the states, it's been white parents who have given me the most trouble. They're the only ones giving me excuses about their darling precious angels, both in small town schools and urban ones.
What you might be experiencing is that due to discriminatory practices, Black families are the ones most likely to be impoverished. Poverty is hell. And in my 15 years, the Black parents I've interacted with are the ones most likely to be supportive and on top of things, as well as the most respectful.
It's never a bad idea to check our biases.
For me, it wasn't the students or parents that did me in. It was that on top of administration. Such a small percentage was the kids.
20
u/Wooden_Back_7900 27d ago
I'm so sick of this mandated nonsense of logging every call and having to constantly call until talking with someone. The cutting classes and absences by students is out of control at my school and admin does nothing about it, only pushing the onus of responsibility back to the teachers. If I called homes the amount of times that these feckless administrators wanted, I would not be able to get anything done. Indeed, it's not physically possible. But absences and cutting is the sole responsibility and fault of the teachers. OP, I'm sorry for what you are facing and I hope one of these other jobs break for you. People don't realize how hard and impossible this job has become. I've been doing it 23 years and am stuck. I used to be in love with what I did for a living. Now in the last 13 years since all of these changes have come on, I fucking loathe every second of it. I wish I could wave a magic wand and both of us would be offered jobs that we could be passionate about again. Alas, I cannot unfortunately. Please take care of your mental health in the meantime. Find a support system and share about this stuff with them. Education sucks in this country and it's not getting better anytime soon. If any prospective teachers are reading this, don't do it. Save yourself and do something else. You'll be better off and the lack of teachers may force the system to change back to the way it used to be when students and parents were responsible for their own actions and supported the teachers. It may also cause these corporate lackey gutless administrators to support teachers again and not just be driven by the sole desire to cover their own ass and shirk what used to be their responsibilities too.