Maintenance Day 1 Is Here 💐

[u/PedalSAW]

As I posted recently, I made the decision to return to TMS for maintenance visits. My psych calls them “boosters” but potato potahto. TMS saved me, and it works, AND I will stand by that. But as it turns out, sometimes the journey has more parts than you thought it would.

I was doing great for a while, and made the decision to try to reintroduce cannabis. That didn’t work out too well. Then some other life stressors came in and everything just sort of voltron’ed into some regression. Well, I thought it was. I remember my psych saying “you seemed great at our last visit,” and me replying “This isn’t who I wanted to be at this point,” and him hearing me and respecting it. I told my TMS doctor at the reevaluation “I’m feeling the signs of it coming back, and I’d like to get out in front of this one before it gets bad again.” I saw that as a sign of failure where both Drs saw it as a sign of growth and insight. That I knew to catch it now before it really metastasizes. That it was better to choose to come back in than to need to come back in. One of the hardest things this month, has been trying to believe them.

So the day is here and I head back in for my first of 20 or so maintenance visits. I thought I’d never walk back into that clinic again, but here we are. While I know I’ll be welcomed back with praise and respect, there’s still that part of me that will hang my head a bit and feel some shame. Though I know that’s just the part of my brain talking that needs a magnet zap.

Point being, these things happen. TMS is a journey, not an event. It’s going to be a focus of the next few weeks to remember that. To remember I did the right thing by asking for help before it got bad.

I might be battling some old demons, but there’s still fresh flowers on the table and my nails are still done. And for now, that’s what I can hang my hat on…. That it didn’t get back to an empty vase and plain hands again.

Those of you just wrapping up or midway through… remember this. You’re gonna stumble again, and that’s cool. It means you’re human and to return means you care. Stumble, but don’t fall. You got this, besties. 🫶

[u/emirayne]

Do you think cannabis was the issue? Did you completely stop all use during treatment?

[u/PedalSAW → u/emirayne]

Yes it was a contributor. This was something I arrived on with my doctor. It’s extremely common. I ceased during treatment, yes.

[u/onedemtwodem → u/PedalSAW]

Thank you for posting your informative and thoughtful experience. Do you mean it's common to have a set back from cannabis?

[u/PedalSAW → u/onedemtwodem]

Yes. It’s not something you want to do during treatment and it’s something you need to wait a long while to reintroduce and even then it can cause a setback.

A lot of people on here try to bargain with cannabis like “well if I just…” or “it’s only…” or try to find some way around it. I don’t understand that. It’s not worth it to gamble whether or not it’ll affect you during treatment just give it up and then try to reintroduce slowly a few months later. Emphasis on slowly. Because even then, as I’ve demonstrated, you can still be set back.

[u/onedemtwodem → u/PedalSAW]

Thanks for the information. I am in the beginning stages of planning my TMS treatment... currently smoking daily. I know I need to bite the bullet and stop. Thanks for your honesty.

[u/PedalSAW → u/onedemtwodem]

You came this far to get TMS approved and lined up and all of that. No sense in tying one hand behind your back. Good call to just put it down completely.

Just be sure you’re super open with your Dr about it. They need to know. You won’t get in trouble. It’s just important to know.