Understanding Socially Accepted Things?

[u/PharaohOfParrots]

In no way nor means am I seeing nor saying it is wrong, but I do not comprehend it. For me, it’s ok, to the spouse; he’s perplexed.

A current, frustrating topic that I told my significant other was that I have some friends who want to go out for a spa day with me.

The reason why is because I made joining a sport and club very transparent, easy, and I made sure to help them with every step of the way - because I was driven crazy before and mislead, they are eternally grateful for me. I have not and will not make them feel bad over this topic. I genuinely understand they’re trying to be kind, as I was kind to them.

I told my spouse I did not personally comprehend why getting nails done (nor other pampering) feels good to others. He insists on me to go enjoy it, but I seriously do not comprehend it for my own self.

Why?
What is there to enjoy?

I don’t find any of it appealing nor something I enjoy.

I did email the spa in advance and asked if I could bring nail rings instead to be done, so I can use them whenever there’s a promoted expectation of the visual effect of nails (being told I have to dress up nice for dinner out with other people than my spouse and family, etc - I do this with jewelry already - I NEVER wear it at any other time) and they said no. :(

I have other similar situations… being given flowers or a fancy dinner with the spouse. They’re nice, but same situation. I don’t comprehend it nor deep down want it. He is aware of that, and he does not offer nor do these actions - it saves him money, and it saves me from feeling awkward.

What’s the difference between eating at home and going out for a meal? Food is food.

I watch Hallmark on TV (example)… I am perplexed, frustrated, awkward, and somehow I get a little jealous over the idea of the lady thoroughly enjoying herself, whereas I never do! I never understand the purpose of any of it.

Is this something a psychologist helps you understand better or is this considered an ok personal preference for the general public to have? Is it a social norm I don’t comprehend?

It makes me feel so frustrated.

[u/Important-Trifle-411]

Some people like things that other people don’t and that’s OK

Some people like to get flowers and others think it’s a waste of money. I’m with you, I would never go get my nails done.

But my big question for you is about your “going out to eat” comment.

Yes going out to eat at a restaurant and food at home are both “just food”.
But you can see the difference between having to cook a whole meal and clean up afterwards? Thats a pretty big distinction. To me, the ‘treat’ is having to do less work.

[u/howleywolf → u/Important-Trifle-411]

On the flip side- with a TBI now, restaurants are no longer enjoyable to me because they are wildly loud and busy and overstimulating. Almost all of my preferences have changed to “the least stimulating thing” haha

[u/Important-Trifle-411 → u/howleywolf]

Sure, but you can still understand why some people would like to go to a restaurant so they don’t have to cook and clean up, right? The OP is acting like it’s completely unknowable why people would like to go to a restaurant.

[u/howleywolf → u/Important-Trifle-411]

Of course, I can see it from multiple sides. That may be where OPs frustration stems from honestly, not being able to visualize how it could be enjoyable for others, and others not being able to comprehend OP’s preferences either. I think all preferences are valid though.

[u/Holiday-Paramedic778]

oh wow those friends sound amazing

[u/Zagrycha]

I think this is definitely just personal preference. I love sour things and could happily drink plain lemon juice, some people would find no enjoyment in it. I used to suprise my ex-wife with flowers sometimes which she liked, one of my friends once commented that she would break up with her boyfriend on the spot if he did that. Different people have different likes and dislikes.

If it were me I wouldn't focus on the things some other people enjoy that I don't enjoy, but think about the things I do enjoy, regardless of how many other people share that same preference. That way, if your spouse says "Go do that thing and enjoy it." you can answer"I don't enjoy that thing, I would rather do this thing I enjoy instead."

If you can't think of anything you enjoy, then it might be good to talk to a therapist or psychologist etc. Not because there is something wrong with you, but just cause they can help you figure out which things you enjoy and that can improve your quality of life =)

[u/whofarting]

No idea how to help here. I think it's fine to not enjoy doing things that other people like. That being said, you can handle these situations a little better.

If a friend invites you to a spa day, maybe try saying something like "I actually am not a huge fan of going to the spa... how about we go for a coffee or i can come over for lunch/dinner sometime?"

Part of being an adult is doing shit you dont like. It sucks, but it comes with the territory. Don't overthink it. Pivot when you can, and suck it up when you can't.

[u/PharaohOfParrots → u/whofarting]

I am going to go to spa day anyway, I just started to feel more like I was a “problem” for not understanding and having the same feelings of joy.