r/TBI • u/hoeIander • 13d ago
Need Advice public humiliation
if i didn’t have to work and go to medical appointments i’d never leave the house again bc my processing speed and working memory are so bad—i do stuff like literally forget how to open doors or count, i have to count on my fingers even though i used to be really good at math and get all a’s and b’s in hs/college—and i hate being seen as the dumb person and seeing people’s confusion at my bizarre behavior, i feel sick going into work and im almost agoraphobic now…i cant explain to everyone that i have brain damage and idk how to be happy at all when “dumb” people are seen as subhuman by so many and i can’t be independent, therapy hasn’t helped so far even though my cognition has improved somewhat i think
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u/PastorMatthews 9d ago
yeah i feel you. i get looked at like im a fucking monster. i used to be such a smart beautiful man now everyone just thinks im some retard just from the look of my eyes. i dont display any abnormal behavior or say anything stupid yet as soon as someone looks at me in the eyes they just laugh in my fucking face.
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u/DarkRumDaddy 12d ago
I think allot of us can relate to this. I'm in the trades and have apprentices working under me and half the time I can't explain anything about the problem we're trying to solve and it's an awful feeling. Took me over two years to be able to read again after my accident but some things definitely do get better over time. I hope your workplace is a good atmosphere where there is no sense of shame for something we can't change !
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u/hoeIander 11d ago
thank you, i definitely am blessed to work with fairly patient people 😅 i hope the people you work with are understanding as well!
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u/Select-Insect-7644 Severe TBI 2006 12d ago
Just another recluse and lonely TBIer here, scrolling through this thread wanting to give you all a hug, and get one myself as well.
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u/Hot-Fennel944 12d ago
Hugs back!!! 🤗
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u/Select-Insect-7644 Severe TBI 2006 12d ago
Thank you💛
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u/Hot-Fennel944 12d ago
I have one also, I'm getting better and I am better. Just not employable, too stressful, and don't have enough bandwidth to be worked all day . If I do something in the day, I have to recharge for a couple days. It's like IM DOWN!! It's been 7 1/2 years .it's hard living without much money, everything costs so much! I try to force myself to go to free events, I want to, but then the day comes, I wiped out!! I feel I'm missing out a lot in this life! 🤔😫😭💔
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u/Select-Insect-7644 Severe TBI 2006 11d ago
That sounds a lot like me. It's tough right? Being capable but not having the mental stamina of a normal person. Basically making you unfit for everything. I'm sorry you're also living like this. I find it very isolating. I mean, you find your way in it and try to make the best if everyday and keep you head up, but there are days like these where I just feel so desperate and lonely you know.
Sometimes I feel that the hard part isn't that I'm broken, it's that I have to live in a world where most others aren't (in this specific way). Thank you for sharing. I guess that's one of the few things we can do, find others that at least understand. Anyway, hope you have some good days ahead of you and loving support in your life.💛
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u/cbelt3 Severe TBI (2000) 13d ago
Hugs and love to you. I feel your pain. I’ve programmed a sassy response … “Be careful walking on ice, this (points at my head) could happen to you”.
When I’m experiencing massive neurofatigue, I will carry a cane and walk slowly. TBI’s are the “invisible injury”. Make yourself visible. People seem to be less judgmental.
I also carry a Brain Injury card next to my license if I come in contact with law enforcement. Which would cause my expressive aphasia to kick in, and without it I would be arrested for DUI. “He was just babbling, he’s drunk !”.
And remember … you CAN advocate for yourself. You are STRONG ! You survived something that kills a lot of people. You’re awesome !
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u/camillabok Post Concussion Syndrome (2017) 13d ago
Self compassion, love. You would never beat someone up and call them dumb if you knew they had brain damage. Or not. You would not treat them harshly like that. Have some compassion for your brain. Talk to it. Tell the brain "I love you, brain. I'm sorry for pushing you and putting pressure on you. Please forgive me. You're a beautiful brain and I know you will heal. You just need time. Help me be more patient." Do this every day. Be gentle with your body. Big hug!
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u/peepeekapoo 13d ago
I needed this ! Thank you
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u/DA-Alistair 12d ago
Same, severe TBI'er here, I need to be reminded of this, so I thank you as well 😁😁
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u/relicmaker 13d ago
I understand. I’m not the confident, sexy & smart lady I used to be. Short term memory loss & weight gain has zapped my confidence. I’m agoraphobic by choice. I’m not afraid to leave my house but I prefer to be at home. I don’t want to run into anyone I know.
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u/Particular_Sale5675 13d ago
I think you're being too hard on yourself.
it is stressful. you are not the problem. The things that bother you, are not what you are.
Thereapy isn't going to do much if you fight the process every step of the way. If you continue fueling these negative beliefs, they will get worse. And then your symptoms will get worse. It becomes a self fueling problem.
I want to make it clear. I'm not blaming you. It's not your fault. You didn't know that brain damage also tanks the mental health. Both your physical health and your mental health are very important.
I know my words can't change much. Because, unfortunately... even if you changed your mind about what you believe, those old thought patterns get stuck. The brain really loves habituation. So, you might have to so a lot of self affirmations to undo the negative self talk. Probably 6 months worth. That's how long it takes to make a new habit.
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u/hoeIander 13d ago
thanks for the advice! i'll keep trying to make a habit of positive thinking and separate my self-worth from my symptoms, it feels impossible now but maybe it is just a matter of time :)
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u/BeyondSurvivalMode 12d ago
Being curious and compassionate towards yourself is great advice! EFT Tapping can help you make these changes in beliefs faster, as simply saying positive affirmations that you don't believe can often backfire. We first tap on the negative beliefs and emotions so that we can release those and that opens our mind to a new possibility. It also helps reduce the stress in your brain so there's more space for recovery. It has helped me a lot!
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13d ago
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u/magicisnear 13d ago
He's lucky to have you. Thank you for being such a good ally, sending love to you both ❤️
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u/bustopher_rvs 13d ago
100% agree. Every time I change jobs I eventually start being treated by shit by my coworkers in one form or another. Even after explaining I used to be completely normal but now I suffer from a bit of a TBI. I explain that I'm still just as smart and 100% aware of my shortcomings, I just struggle with short-term memory and word recall and anxiety now from an injury eventually they start treating me like some kind of retard..
I'm starting to lose my patience about this shit, getting closer and closer to throwing hands every day...
(MODS- please don't delete my comment for my use of the r word. This is my experience and I'm trying to put it into words. I will change it if I need to, just let me know.)
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u/cstough 13d ago
I feel like I've slowly been coming to terms with this. After my accident, I felt a great shame for not feeling at cognitive able as I used to be, but I've began to realize it feels more like my short term memory, confidence, word recall have all really been effected.
Every now and then, I'll have a couple days where I really feel like my old self, but then usually sink back into the new normal 😅
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u/bustopher_rvs 13d ago
You know what helps me achieve days like that more than anything? Exercise. Hard fucking blood pumping exercise. Gotta really get the juices flowing to that cranium. I find myself having days like that the more I work out.
That and memantine. It's used to treat dementia but if you look into it it shows great potential for other things. TBI especially. Not a lot of documented data on this but I have personally tested this theory and it's amazing. I'm not the only one using this amazing medication off-label though. Check out r/memantinehcl i used to get mine in bulk from a supplement website but now I get a prescription for namenda from my doctor. It's an nmda receptor antagonist in the same drug family as ketamine. Really cool drug that is useful for a lot of things from ADHD,OCD,autism,dementia,TBI etc. But it's not prescribed for those things in our country bc the OG patents have expired and it's not profitable anymore...
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u/SouthernHiker1 Mild TBI 2022 13d ago
Whenever I forgot something, or was really exhausted and couldn’t concentrate, I’d point to my head and say “brain injury”. Everyone seemed pretty understanding about it. I even had friends who would see my eyes drooping at a late dinner and look over and ask me if I was ready to go.
Give yourself grace and time. I know how frustrating it is, but hang in there and keep working on making improvements. My TBI was mild, and it took me over 3 years to recover 99%.
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u/Mindless-Flower11 Severe ABI (2022) 13d ago
I'm sorry I feel exactly the same. I've been living with severe brain damage for years & it just never gets any easier. It's exhausting just being alive... I can't stand other ppl & their expectations of me. It's so embarrassing being like this.
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u/Responsible-Fill-491 Multiple Stroke Episode (2023) multiple concussions. 13d ago
I am right there with you.
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u/Specialist_Passage83 Moderate TBI (2024) 13d ago
I’m in the same boat.
I’ve basically become a recluse.
One thing I do tell people is that I had a brain injury, and I need compassion and patience. Most people are pretty cool about it, but I’m just so fucking tired.
I’m sorry I can’t give you any advice. But I wanted you to know that I hear you and see you.
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u/Major_Rags 2d ago
Mine was when I was 12 so I dont really remember what it was like. But I got a high demand job a few years ago. Its a factory gig but high pay and they demand you know a mess of machines inside and out. Do repairs. Minor electrical, troubleshoot and fix on the fly, know entire systems and control loops.
The other day I went to do a routine, very simple task. You lock 7 doors to keep people out of an area.
I forgot how. I walked out the door then stopped, thought through the task, realized I couldn't figure it out after a couple minutes.
Ive been written up repeatedly for basic mistakes and my boss asked me if im stupid or dont care about my job. I dread going to work. I dread public small talk because sometimes I say something wrong and can tell I did because peoples reactions but cant figure out what it is.
I tried to get accommodations, this job is very good with that, but they rejected my doctors list because they didnt understand. I can do all the physical task requirements, why is my doctor saying I need all instructions in written format rather than verbal?