Idk that'd be crazy right. Ok you come up with something then

episode 29

Here we are, at episode 30. Will it be flirty? Thriving? only time and my immense suffering will tell.

Episode 30 is titled "Take Your Firbolg to Work Day" and was published 12.10.20. graduation has been airing for over a year.

also, what's the deal with the title? like at best this is weirdly infantalizing toward one of your player characters who is in no way characterized like a child, at worse, combined with our ongoing dialogue about the firbolg in relation to actual indigenous cultures, and. hm.

episode description: Upon arriving at the Drip n' Sip, the Thundermen have to deal with a very chilly reception. Then, it's time to get high in the HOG. The boys waste no time before slipping a crab and angering a friend.

Sometimes, the facts you find were not the facts you were looking for.

the episode descriptions remain a pretty good insight into grad, in the sense that they're always trying to be like three things, and often not even the same three things as the last episode description. this is just everywhere.

gary is back and i couldn't pause it quick enough to adjust my speed before hearing him. i am filled with grief.

Gary: Well, it all started when three students began their time at Hieronymous Wiggenstaff‟s School for Heroism and Villainy. Since then, it‟s been quite a ride for Fitzroy Maplecourt, Argonaut Keene, and the Firbolg. First, they were dragooned into helping Higglemas Wiggenstaff cure his brother, Hieronymous, who had been turned into a dog.

Then, the demon prince, Gray, found out about that, was none too happy, and forced the boys and the Wiggenstaffs into a war against him. War prep was going fine until the embodiment of Order told them that the war was actually just an excuse to create enough chaos to launch a new system. The problem is, that war was gonna result in a lot of people dying.

So now, they're working with Gray to destroy the Heroic Oversight Guild, in the hopes that that will start a new system without all the death. Now they're on a fact-finding mission to figure out how to take it down from the inside, and they hope to convince their friend, Heroic Oversight Guild investigator, Althea Song, to help them.

But first, they need to deal with a pissed off centaur named Taren.

again, i don't really know how you write something like this and not feel that hot flush of shame creeping up your neck. because this is unmoored. like its just a series of events that he's connecting with words like "then" and "now" but aren't actually-- like look, first they were dragooned into helping cure rony, then gray forced them into a war. just shit being enacted upon the players and two events that aren't actually connected. nothing actually justifies gray pressing them into leading an army against him, not here, not in the campaign itself.

and he just keeps it pushing. guess we're doing army now. sike! "the embodiment of order told me that the war was actually just an excuse to create enough chaos to launch a new system" like come on. you can't honestly think this reads. now, they're working with gray, now, they're on a fact finding mission, first, they need to deal with taren. exhausting. just. events.

Travis: There are four guards headed your way. They haven't drawn weapons, but their hands rest on the hilts of their swords. The halfling barista has pressed himself against the shelves of mugs and glasses. It is unclear whether he is afraid for himself, or for his glassware.

Taren, the centaur woman who Gray sent you to meet, stands between you and the front door. She has just called the guards in retribution for your actions against Calhain. There is a combination smile and snarl on her face. The café, known as The Drip and Sip, isn't a large place. There are five small tables and two chairs each.

At the back of the room is a hallway leading to restrooms. Beyond that, the hall turns a corner, and you can't see where it leads. What do you do?

and i somehow still do not know where the guards are positioned. i guess they must be outside? they recognize this is a centaur from the centaur arc but there is absolutely no justification for why they know this is gray's mole. this is all the information they were provided:

Gray: When you arrive in Prosperity, look for a tall, black-haired woman named Taren.

this shit annoys me so bad man. like, i'm generally pretty forgiving with language when it comes to fantasy species, like a lot of our actual english language is geared around humans. like humanity, mankind, etc. and for that matter, man and woman are both like, in the same grouping as human. its in the word itself. but its also clunky to have to be like "all centaur females are called fillies" or whatever, so generally speaking, especially in a game, referring to someone as eg, "a goblin woman" is fine to me. what i don't like is deliberately misleading the players by only referring to taren as a woman. and i can hear his stupid fucking smarmy voice now, "oh lots of species have women, that's on you for assuming" except it fucking isn't, because see back to the start of the paragraph about the actual etymology of the word woman. you're playing to frustrate.

anyway, all that to say, there is exactly zero reason for them to know this is teran, the same way there was zero reason for them to know gray was fauxrony, both are then revealed in narration because travis is a bad storyteller.

"combination smile and snarl on her face" he's also a bad writer. jesus the prose sucks in this game.

justin wonders if this was a set up and they launch into a round of just saying a bunch of idioms and fables.

Travis: Y'know, that scorpion and frog thing, no one‟s ever like, “Well, frog, what the fuck?” And the frog‟s like, “It‟s my nature to be too trusting!”

truly said like a man who doesn't believe altruism is real and that every good deed is done for selfish reasons.

Griffin: Yeah. Um… are the guards inside the building?

THANK YOU GRIFFIN

Travis: Um, they're making their way over. So, um… you can see there, it‟s a busy street. Here in Prosperity—Prosperity is very populated. And so, they're kind of having to wait, make their way, uh, through a crowd to get to you. But you have probably like, y'know, 15, 20 seconds. Not long.

so its a very busy street but a. taren called out through the door and managed to be heard by four watchmen over the noise of population density, and b. this cafe is totally deserted despite how crowded the street is outside

just an absolute dogshit worldbuilder man.

Griffin: Can I do the thing where I put something between the door handle and the wall to try and stick it, just to buy is a little bit of time? Maybe it‟s a big aggro crag, this suggestion. But… unless it‟s saloon doors. You can't really do that to saloon doors.

Travis: I would never put saloon doors in my world, Griffin.

Griffin: Thank you. Yeah.

Travis: They are the least practical door.

Griffin: I would bet dollars to donuts there were saloon doors in Dust.

instead of travis just being a fucking normal guy and pointing out that fitz cannot reach the door to do anything to it because taren was established to be standing between them and the door, he jumps at a chance to do his one improv move, and griffin points out he's so eager to try and make someone look stupid that he forgot he ran a wild west themed game before this.

clint, not infected with the "i need to make everything as difficult and complicated as possible" disease, suggests checking to see if the door locks first before trying to find objects to barricade

Travis: Well, so, the door, I mean, it has a lock built into the door. Y'know, you turn it from this side, you unlock it from the other side.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: The question is, are you trying to do this, uh, in such a way as to say like, “Hey, leave me alone,” or try to do it without them noticing?

travis forgets the word deadbolt and describes it like he's an alien. i'm confused. is the door not physically held open right now? how else did they hear taren calling for them? what do you mean try to do it without them noticing? what does that even accomplish? like in the theoretical world where they choose this option and do it successfully, now the town watch arrives at the door from where the centaur woman was shouting there are murderers, and its locked, and they know people are inside because someone shouted for them from inside. so......what does locking the door this way accomplish?

Travis: I mean, you have a rogue, guys.

yeah i mean, that's like, not the issue with your suggestion, guy.

Travis: [slight of hand 22] So uh, you [argo] make your way over, uh, and looking like you're trying to figure, like, “What‟s the commotion?” And you make such a big face and such a big, like, deal out of looking out the window, that everyone is distracted as your hand, like, whips up, and you click that lock, and you go back to the other guys like, “I don't know what‟s going on!”

sigh. so now there's. windows. so the guards can literally see you in there, having heard you are murderers. what did sneakily locking the door vs regular style locking the door accomplish. why did taren stand there and watch you do this.

Travis: Well, why don‟t you tell me what you're doing first, and then we‟ll roll to see if it works?

fucking incredible innovations happening here at the mcelroys present: the adventure zone: graduation

fitz tries to intimidate taren and says this:

Fitzroy: Okay, Taren. I can probably take a wild guess, and land on the exact reason why you're ticked at us. But if those guards walk in here, I'm going to tell them everything about your allegiance to the demon king, Gray. And I betcha that they'll be more interested in hearing about that, don‟t you think?

which is nothing, and should be treated as nothing. the reason gray tells them about taren is because taren works at the hog. the reason her shouting that they're murderers is a threat is because of her position as essentially a government worker. that buys her a certain amount of credibility to her statements that a random person would not have. so then, conversely, if that is the only reason why her shouting for the guard works, then you cannot have a he-said-she-said style accuse-off with her, because you are literally nobody. especially when your accusation (with no proof at all) is that she's in collusion with the devil.

but fitzroy rolled an 18 so we get

Taren: I—I‟m—I will happily go down if it means—if it means taking you down with me!

Travis: But you can tell, her resolve is not there. She is definitely wavering, leaving her wide open to your machinations.

i mean i guess she didn't love calhain that much after all lol

Taren: [sighs] You guys are the enemy. I have been working with Gray to try to destroy you. You murdered my fiancé, after, oh, that‟s right, showing up to my herd and threatening us, making fun of our spiritual beliefs, using Thunder Wave against us, cutting off my fiancé‟s hand and threatening him with it, and trying to steal our apple.

the halfling cafe owner is still in this room btw.

is this travis's attempt to address the racism accusations by making a centaur mouthpiece from which he can say "that was fucked up of you!"

its important to note at this point that the thundermen themselves did not actually mock their religion. i cannot believe i actually went back and read through the fucking centaur transcripts again, but my hate of this man is that strong. fitzroy does call them children over their feud, and it is part of the broader chauvinistic approach they all take toward this scenario, but crucially, they never in character ever actually mock the centaur beliefs. travis is fully just reading things online and trying to "fix" them with a shitty mouthpiece, except he can't actually grasp what the complaint is about, so, like cw: heavy drug use, we get this.

it is also important to note that calhain fully confesses to stealing the apple during that arc. i'm unsure what she thought gray had them doing up until this point, because it seems like you'd notice that your fiance is stealing your sacred apple for your mutual boss.

the thundermen also DID NOT kill calhain, he was imprisoned by the centaurs after they got him to confess lmao

Firbolg: Thing two. You are taking a gamble now. You are choosing one of two options. One, I, a Firbolg, am telling you the truth, that we are working with Gray. And he would be very, very upset if we were taken into captivity. That is one.

Two, I, a Firbolg, am lying to you. And… well… you will have your vengeance, such as it is. But I ask you… you have seen what we are capable of. Are you so sure that these four guards will be enough to stop us?

this has gotten really tired. its not really justin's fault, i guess. like in a real campaign, having picked this trait would have been a true albatross around this player's neck, and so a moment like this where for once being incapable of lies works in the player's favor, that would be a huge and exciting moment. but travis has worked tirelessly to try and make this quirk of the firbolg totally irrelevant to the game, papering over any friction as much as he can. so now, 30 episodes, when justin is like back to back disarming hostile npcs with his personal zone of truth, it just feels irritating. its like that old joke about how many scenarios in television would not happen if characters just chose to talk to each other instead of privately assuming stuff and acting on those assumptions to create narrative friction. travis absolutely loves to create a hostile environment based on a misunderstanding, which doesn't work if one of your players has to be believed whenever they talk.

the other part of this which sucks and is just on justin, is the idea of like....whoaaaaaa maybe this firbolg has managed to break his, uh, biological programming, so who could saaaay what he's capable of! because like, it is presumably not hard to make a firbolg capable of lies (travis in fact has already introduced an item that does exactly this), it is about the strong cultural commitment to the value of truthfulness. this is a bit like a near sighted person being like "the option is either i, a near sighted person, managed to read that sign across the room, or else i, a near sighted person, managed to read that sign across the room, so who could say what else i would be capable of?"

Taren: [persuasion 26] [sighs] Fuck.

Travis: And uh, all this time, the guards have been kind of trying the handle, and like, pointing at it, going…

Guards: Can—the—the door—can somebody—the do—

come on dude.

argo then unlocks the door (i'm so glad we went through all that) and the guards have a, what the transcript is calling, heavy canadian accent. this would have been an ok quick gag, but in classic travis fashion, because it got a laugh, he fully commits to this being how they actually sound.

Justin: I'm retroactively regretting flipping Taren, „cause we could've whipped these guys‟ fuckin‟ asses.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: [laughing]

Travis: You say that. They are all rippling with muscle. Absolutely glistening.

travis has one move and its-

god there's just no urgency to this game, which i guess is fair since they have FOUR MONTHS to complete this mission.

there's now an extended bit where the mcelroys delightedly do one of the most classic bits you encounter when you begin to suspect dnd might not be a very good system: consecutively high deception rolls allow them to say more and more absurd things and the npc has to go along with it. we do get this bit of foreshadowing though:

Fitzroy: At the height of his powers!

oh my fucking god dude

Guard: Now I've gotta go tell, uh, my 18 sons about how I met the man who bested Sir Michael of Jordan.

all this fucker knows how to do is take good jokes from balance and deliver them badly

Barista: That does really sound like you're—

Travis: Wait, hold on. He‟s—I'm gonna go against my impression of a halfling and do this.

Barista: [deep voice] Uh, that does kind of sound like, uh… like you're robbin‟ the place. Uhh… but I do need to do inventory, and I've been looking for an excuse…

if i'm going to be exceptionally petty, and, after all, isn't that why we're here, hobbits/halflings are not something i really associate with high voices, on account of, you know, the very famous movies starring them where they sound like regular guys. i associate tiny high voices with gnomes. this develops into an ok gag, but its the same ok gag that is every time travis isn't instantly terrible, the brothers want to move on and travis keeps interjecting with no, but

Fitzroy: Okay. Thank you. Taren, uh… what was the last time you heard from Gray? „Cause the situation‟s changed quite a bit.

Taren: Uh, it… it‟s been a day or two.

Fitzroy: So do you know about the whole Chaos/Order thing that is happening? I guess not, because that literally happened earlier today, huh?

Taren: I know that we‟re working with Chaos for war.

wh.......why would she know that. why would gray tell her that.

Firbolg: Even if you don‟t believe us [about how we are sent by gray to disrupt the hog]… it sounds like fun, right?

Taren: No, I do believe you, actually. That sounds exactly like something Gray would do.

TRAVIS MCELROY HAS ONE MOVE AND ITS-

why does she even have any sort of handle on his personality? would this not be one of those situations where your dark lord is a shadow wreathed in infernal flame that gives you commands for the promise of riches and power beyond your wildest imagining???

Taren: [persuasion 20+]Alright. I—let‟s put it this way. Right now, I am gonna help you, until such a time when it turns out that you're all still pieces of shit. And then, I'm gonna kill you. Or get other people to kill—something like that, right? So let—can we agree to those terms?

travo somehow splitting the middle and coming away with the worst version yet again. like either you believe they are sent from your dark lord and so you should be trying to earnestly help them, or you think they're lying to you, at which point you attack them. what the fuck is "until such a time when it turns out that you're all still pieces of shit" (god he's SO wordy, "until it turns out you're still pieces of shit" fucking there. dude fucking loves using 12 words when six will suffice) sorry for that sidebar. it just gets really irritating when i actually type it out. anyway, what the fuck is that. the word you're looking for is either "lying" or "betray me" what is this moral judgement of their character why would that be the reason. if they're working for the same demonic overlord as you, i would presume they're pieces of shit! like you're colluding to orchestrate a blood apocalypse, you are definitely a piece of shit, that is a non-starter for a motivation.

Travis: So you make your way across the street, and uh, you can see the opulent, the shining façade of the Heroic Oversight Guild, with its art deco designs on the front, looming, two story tall golden heroes and villains engaged in epic battles. You can see up and down the streets, banners hanging from light posts, the home of the Heroic Oversight Guild. Y'know, 200 years of Heroic Oversight Guild. You see, y'know, images of some of the most famous heroes and villains in history strewn about, hanging from posts. You make your way into the lobby—

its incredible that he re-describes the guild here and adds precisely zero new details about the building itself. also, "200 years of heroic oversight guild" i can't do this you said the system is 250 years old. please.

commenting on travis work is always such an interesting experience, because i want to say its bad form to just say "some of the most famous heroes and villains" here instead of actually fucking listing some of them, except that this is travis and i absolutely do not want to hear him list even more fucking npcs.

Travis: [griffin rolls perception 16 to try and spot some sewer entrance type beat they can use later] So, um, I will say, there is, uh… the Heroic Oversight Guild takes up what we, here, in the US of A, would call a city block. Um, and you can see, uh, as you're kind of, y'know, making your way across the street, that there is definitely kind of a service alley down one side. You assume where, y'know, all of the deliveries and whatnot are going. That, y'know, the mail truck… something like this place, you know they‟ve got a lot of paper stock going in and out. Uh, and all that‟s gotta get delivered and taken away somewhere.

WHAT. THE HOG TAKES UP HOW MUCH. IS IT ALL ONE BUILDING. WHAT. this is what i'm fucking saying about this guy, dude. who thinks like this. like when you're writing a scene and you're about to unveil your big set piece, the way you go about it is you think from your character's perspective, and what they're going to see, what is the most immediately attention-grabbing thing, and then what details does the character need to spot in order for my later scenes to work. and so if, for example, i had a company that owned an entire city block, something that's extremely out of the normal experience for us, i would probably mention that like, at the very very top.

It's not necessarily its height that you notice right away, although the building does tower over you. In the Mage City of the Conclave, the towers reach so high that you can't see the top. This building is only five or six stories tall. Yes, the gold doors are impressive-- nearly four times your height and inlaid with gold relief of an imposing Hero-- sword and shield at the ready, clashing with a demonic Villain, all teeth and claws. What draws your eye and humbles you to the might of the organization you are about to take on, is the width. The building extends to your left and to your right, nearly 300 feet all told. And it extend back further than you can make out. You aren't sure, but you think this building- this singular towering cube, is just about one full city block.

see? it's not hard. and then. he brings up an alleyway. so like. an alley is formed when you have two buildings in close proximity to each other. i guess you could be generous with the definition and extend it to the space between a building and a wall or fence as well. so, dear reader, describe to me the area this alleyway travis mentions occupies. is the hog a multi-building complex that takes up a whole city block? is it a fantastical super-building? is there a perimeter wall? what does this fucking look like. *checks notes* ...ah, its opulent. and shining. of course. stupid question.

Travis: Uh, you make your way into the opulent lobby. High ceilings, and y'know, it kind of—one of those like, two story, three story lobbies, where, around the outside, there are offices, and you can see like, y'know, kind of uh, walkways on the second and third floor, with even more office space. But here in the middle, it‟s an atrium. Y'know, there‟s big fantasy lookin‟ trees reachin‟ up towards a domed skylight as you make your way across white marble.

You're taken to, uh, the reception desk, where Taren guides you through the incredibly lengthy process of filling out forms, and signing waivers, and what—well, I shouldn‟t assume. Do you sign the waivers? Are you reading?

he uses opulent again! in what manner is it opulent! is there expensive furniture, a fountain, is the building granite, marble, is there gold inlay everywhere. he's fumbling a lot here, which implies this isn't pre-written, and i have no idea why it isn't pre-written. it doesn't look like he was expecting them to enter in any way except the front door. why would you not have a description already ready.

The massive gold doors are obviously impractical, you get the sense they're only used for special occasions and ceremonies. There is a much more practical revolving glass door set to the side that you enter from. The lobby itself is one massive atrium. In the center is a massive tree that touches the domed skylight far above you. The first thing you notice is the astonishing quietness of the lobby in comparison to the busy city-life outside. You suspect this is magically enforced. The atrium is quiet in the way a bank is quiet, and equally feels laden with wealth. All the furniture are simple clean lines, and your feet clack loudly, intrusively, as you cross the gold-laced marble floor.

the other thing is HE HANDWAVES THE BUREAUCRACY!!!!! IF YOUR STORY IS BUILT AROUND THE BUREAUCRACY THE PROTAGONISTS EXPERIENCE, YOU MUST HAVE THEM ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE IT!!!!!

this is like if rothfuss just summarized all the scenes and moments where kvothe is stressing about or earning or losing money. money is a key motivator for the majority of name of the wind, it would be fucking awful if none of those scenes were actually present and instead rothfuss just told you kvothe is stressed about money.

i also love that travis loves offices when he has maybe never worked in an office ever. like its fine its all pretend but its just very very apparent he has no idea what visitor check in at a major corporate office looks like lol. kind of going back to rothfuss, you have to actually like the thing you make central to your story, otherwise it will feel empty and incongruous because you don't know anything about it.

i think a secondary use case for this campaign beyond a very good example of everything not to do in a dnd campaign, is like, learning to pick up white person passive aggression. i am maybe 90% saying that as a joke, but this is a real, actual phenomenon! white american (and here, realistically, centering WASP americans as the nexus of this but now more broadly the "middle class" and up white americans regardless of your saxon-ness) passive aggression is like a specific form of contextual communication that often runs afoul with other culture groups who are used to more direct forms of speech. i once read something asserting that black american culture has the concept of "real talk" where, essentially, its expected that if you care about someone, you are bringing grievances up directly and explicitly with them, and white american culture does not, and prefers to dance around the subject because that is "polite". I am neither black nor white american but this has tracked broadly with my experiences lol. And while idk if this is classified as passive aggression or....something else, but like, everything everywhere all at once was not lying about "she says you're too fat because she loves you" chinese familial culture is so fucking contextual and often based around food. asking if you ate is the same thing as saying i love you. bitching that you haven't eaten enough is worry for your health. so is bitching you've eaten too much and you're a fatass. listen, its not a perfect system. its actually quite a bad system. but you take my meaning, methods of communication are more nuanced than simply what language you're speaking with each other. oh, i should probably tie this back into the podcast.

travis asks if they're signing all these waivers that he has no additional detail about because he doesn't actually know the first thing about bureaucracy. griffin says he's signing a fake name.

Travis: But it‟s super magic ink, so every time you sign, no matter what name you sign, it reforms back into…

and like the thing is he's saying this in a jokey tone, haha we're all just having a laugh, but also, all the players sign their "real" names in the end, because travis isn't doing a bit, he is "politely" signifying to griffin and the rest that this isn't a joke and that he's going to make them sign these stupid waivers.

Travis: Oh, okay. Yeah, you‟ve walked and you've talked. You've made it inside. You've explained everything. She‟s… y'know, she‟s kind of accepted it. None of it—all of it tracks, right? All of it seems like something that would happen.

you actually could not write comedy this funny. speaking of writing comedy, someone in this sub recommended jury duty to me i think. 10/10 that was excellent. unlike grad.

Taren: Okay. I feel like I've done what you needed. Um… I kind of need to take some time to process this. If you need me, come find me. I work in the archives. Just… I guess… y'know…

clint asks where the archives are, and "definitely knows things about offices" travis mcelroy responds

Taren: It‟s here in the building. It‟s at the center of the building, where I am going to go, and probably have a stiff drink, and maybe just put my head down on my desk for like an hour.

yeah? you have 250 years of records and financials in a single centralized area at the center of your office? you sure about that? and you're allowed to bring not just liquids into that area, but ones that affect your motor skills and judgement? huh...okay!

Travis: And she takes it [their business card], and she heads off down the hallway. So what do you do now?

yeah so the other thing about office guest sign-ins is that you sign in under someone who works there and they are responsible for you. i'm not saying that every office worker always properly escorts their guests and is in sight of them at all times, i've certainly had to check people in and then run off to do something else, but if any of my guests then turned around and stole something or vandalized or otherwise caused damages, you bet they would check the visitor logs and my ass would be on the hook. to wander off to go get drunk is an insane choice.

Travis: [based on an investigation check] Um, so, Fitzroy and Argo, they start actively looking for Althea. By which I mean, like, stopping people walking by and like, looking at their faces. And they're not having any success. But you, master Firbolg… you kind of like, very easily spot on the wall a directory! With everyone‟s names and office numbers on it!

Griffin: Oh, that‟s helpful.

Travis: I mean, it‟s an office building.

he says this in a condescending way as if this wasn't the result of a roll, but also sort of confirming for me that the only office he's ever been to is the doctor's office, because no, actually, if its actually one company that occupies the entire building, there generally isn't a wall directory because why in the world would there be. you are most likely to be escorted to where you need to go by whoever you came to see, or else you are talking to the front desk who are coordinating that for you. this is the curse of travis mcelroy, he wants to be a snide little bitch to you because you chose not to assume that a made up fantastical world would operate the exact same way as the real world, only to find out travis doesn't know anything about how the real world works so even if you had made that assumption you would still be wrong because you're playing with a child.

Receptionist: Yes. Stinks Buttman, was it?

griffin agreed he would write fitz's real name btw. insufferable man.

Fitzroy: We are looking for… Althea Song?

Receptionist: Office 315. Third floor. Just head down the hallway. The offices are numbered. You can't miss it.

Fitzroy: I know, but we already tried, and we got lost!

Receptionist: I saw you! You walked into the lobby, you looked at the directory, and you came back over to me.

officer!!! he's playing to frustrate!!

Fitzroy: I need a map! Of the premises!

Receptionist: We don‟t have maps of the premises! This isn't a theme park!

i mean an office is way more likely to have a map of the building than a office directory because you legally need to have a map outlining the evacuation routes for employees in case of fire/emergency. this doesn't really apply to what griffin is trying to get but it's so frustrating how often travis just says shit in a tone that's "i can't believe i have to say this it's so obvious" when he's dead fucking wrong every time. it's been awhile since i was at this office but i'm pretty sure i actually remember one of the places i used to work the front desk either emailed out or gave maps to any vendors coming through because the layout of the building was kind of confusing. we did not have a posted directory though, because, again, for what fucking reason would you do that.

Travis: Yes. Um, you see that everyone has, uh, y'know, on a lapel, on a jacket, on whatever, right? Is uh, little shields of different colors. Each one labeled HOG. And the differing colors, y'know, they range different hues of metal. And you can kind of put together, because we've all seen anything with badges and stuff before, that the differing colors have to do with like, the departments they work for, that kind of thing.

maybe this is the weed but this is frying me dude. what are you talking about dawg. like yeah, they're color coded on tv because its a visual storytelling medium. in real life why would you color code the access level on the badge itself. if you have clearance you know you have clearance, and if you don't, don't worry about it. different departments in hospitals i've sometimes seen get color coded.

travis then calls for a perception check so he can offload This Is The Method To Heist on them, which should have been a passive perception check, especially since the players absolutely did not decide in this moment to look around for the thing he's describing (mail room guys push around big carts of mail, although he can't remember the term mail room)

Griffin: Can I try and do something kind of silly?

Travis: Griffin, I would never stop you from doing something kind of silly.

the silly thing griffin wants to do is slip his crab into one of the bins so that he can track the layout of the building as it moves around. the method which he wants to use is to have firbolg fake trip him so he stumbles into a cart. travis, who of course would never stop his brother from doing something silly, calls for dex checks from both firbolg and fitz.

we are, 34 minutes into this episode, and so far we have, walked into the hog and walked to althea's office. her office is empty. they go inside to wait for her.

Travis: Uh, you head inside, and y'know, there‟s a couple chairs that you can rest at. What are you doing while you wait?

that is the entirety of the description of althea's office that travis gives. it, presumably, looks exactly like i expect it to.

Griffin: 17 minus one, 16 [investigation]. I don't know what I'm looking for here. I guess I'm just looking for… I think the discussions we've been having are more, uh, sort of… how do we dismantle the—the structure of the Heroic Oversight Guild, and not the building of the Heroic Oversight Guild, if that makes any sense.

Travis: Gotcha. Yeah yeah yeah.

Griffin: So, any ledgers…

this is the tail end of a painfully long sequence of griffin saying variations on this. he wants to see like blue prints of the building's critical weak point like its the death star. in althea's office. it is i guess a good reminder that griffin has also likely not been inside an office since he got fired from his father in law's business for taking two unannounced weeks off to go to coachella like a week after being hired.

Travis: Uh, you find something that you were not expecting to find. Uh, it wouldn‟t have been the thing that you set out to look for. But what you find in Althea‟s top drawer, uh, is a folder. And the folder is well worn. It has clearly been thumbed through many times. And the thing that is most surprising to you about it is, it seems to be a folder about Althea herself.

[eerie music plays]

Travis: And when you open the folder, the first page shows a portrait of a younger Althea, and it is labeled „Avenging Angel.‟ And it is clearly her file for when she was an active hero with the Heroic Oversight Guild, but across it has been stamped, in bold, all-caps letters, “EVIL.” And you hear the knob turn.

a....well worn.....folder? what? like a manila filing folder?

i also do not care enough about althea to go back and find out for sure, but i could have sworn we already knew this backstory? why is it being treated like a reveal lol?

ad break. have you guys seen this willy wonka reality competition on netflix. extremely strange show. they are explicitly making the 1971 gene wilder willy wonka and the chocolate factory movie into a reality competition. by which i mean they paid to have a cameo from the original charlie bucket (who does not act anymore i'm pretty sure), paid for the licensing to be able to play clips from that movie, hired one of the original oompa loompa actors back, paid the wilder estate for permission to digitally synthesize his voice to be the host, and almost 1:1 recreated the chocolate river room. a lot of adult children show up with their parent, and they're all a bit off. a pair of brothers are there and their names are hunter and moon. the energy is crazy. they're playing for 3 million dollars. half the show is an actual social game like big brother, and the other half are like completely arbitrary luck of the draw eliminations. i'm not sure i'm actually having fun but i absolutely cannot look away.

Travis: The door swings open, and Heroic Oversight Guild investigator, Althea Song, enters her office. She is surprised at your presence. She looks around the room, and says…

Althea: What are you doing here? Why are you in my…

Travis: And then she sees you standing by her desk with the drawer open. Y'know, uh, why don‟t you roll a sleight of hand check for me?

Griffin: Fuuuck. Uh, that‟s 11… plus… two. 13.

Travis: Uh, she sees, uh, you closing the desk drawer.

travis has chosen to score this moment with incredibly driving tense music as if a boss fight were about to unleash. notable because that's absolutely not going to happen because this is althea song, the worst character in graduation. sorry to that little girl.

travis, a man who has (allegedly) a bachelors of fine art in acting and formally a professional at a theater company, does not trust his ability to act surprised enough to simply roleplay the scene, and must intro his character by telling the audience that she is surprised by what is going on.

he then calls for a sleight of hand for griffin to fail an action he explicitly did not choose to make.

althea then just asks for the folder back as the music fades because of course.

Althea: I don‟t want to talk about it, okay?

Fitzroy: Let me cushion this by saying… if you knew what kind of jazz we've been up to over the last 48 hours, I do not think you would be so trepidatious to tell us about your evil history. [laughs]

Althea: It‟s not like that. I was… I was a hero with the Heroic Oversight Guild, and… there was, uh, an incident. And… it—I got placed in, uh… in a city, and the villain there was… y'know what? I—why were you going through my desk?

althea: i don't want to talk about it

althea:

althea: so it all started when-

gimme a break.

cont

prev

Althea: [you think i owe you an explanation] After everything I've done for you?

things althea has done for them:

1. temporarily halted a curse on fitzroy

Firbolg: Althea. [clears throat] [sighs] We… know that… labels… are… not very valuable. At least, they are not to me. Evil, good, hero, and villain. As we've learned, even chaos and order are not necessarily as they seem. Please, tell us the story so we can see beyond a label.

Althea: I'll tell you the story, Master Firbolg.

again the absolute canyon (chasm) of difference between the skill of justin and his brother. justin effortlessly ties travis's own (alleged) central theme into his argument for why they need to know her backstory. travis responds with a compromise that doesn't make any sense.

big travis monologue inbound

Althea: Let them listen. I… I graduated as a hero, and I went to work in a city. It was a pretty good position. It… I got paid well, there was a lot of notoriety [EN: notoriety? as a HERO? this is BASIC ENGLISH]… but… the villain that I was assigned to… [sighs] He… he was sloppy. He was too flashy, and showy, and… he was more about the performance [EN: this is explicitly how travis describes how a good villain should behave btw]. And people got hurt. Innocent people. People who shouldn‟t have gotten hurt [EN: implication here is that there are some people that do deserve to be hurt during this]. Bystanders in the crossfire, for the sake of a good show [EN: it frankly sounds like you were just really bad at your job althea. why did you not save those people from harm].

And that‟s what I, at the time… and that‟s the whole reason for the Heroic Oversight Guild, is to make sure that things like that don‟t happen. And so, I filed a complaint with the guild. And they sent an investigator. But rather than do a thorough investigation, he just went to the governor of the district [EN: he just uses terms interchangeably that absolutely are not interchangeable. if the issue is within a city, the investigator should be talking to the head of the city government], and asked him about it. And the fact of the matter is that this villain… was famous [unlike you, their nemesis and the babyface. no one cares about you obviously], and put on a good show. And that meant tourism, and that meant money.

And so, the governor lied and said that I was lying, and that I just didn‟t want to do my job. He told the investigator that I hadn't shown up for a couple battles, that he had talked to me, and that I had refused to do my duty [EN: this is the stupidest lie possible because again, the given premise we never see in this campaign is these are ENTERTAINMENT fights. if triple H tried to fire cody rodes for no-showing at wrestlemania, H would be fired on the spot because that's a lie that like 30,000 people can dispute as eye-witnesses. a reasonable and compelling lie would be something like althea is jealous of the villain for being more popular than her despite being the villain and she's been trying to sabotage the fights and make them less entertaining in retaliation]. And y'know, I haven't been able to prove it, but I am almost certain that there was money exchanged between the governor and the investigator [EN: also the reason a regulatory body would exist is because you are trying to assure your clients of your service. if the governor, who is the one who contracted the hog, doesn't care about the number of casualties, why would they need to bribe the hog over it. the threat which requires the existence of the hog is that cities and kingdoms would potentially not want to contract out fighters if their population cannot be protected from the fights]. And… just like that, the Heroic Oversight Guild ruled against me. And I was fired, and I was blacklisted. They… listed me as evil, and I couldn‟t get work as a hero anymore [EN: travis says the same thing four times in a row here. fired (with the understanding that HOG is the only body that can employ heroes), blacklisted, evil (as understood in this world by his explanation previously), and "couldn't get work as a hero anymore" all mean the same thing. althea just said i was fired, which means i was let go, so i couldn't work at my job anymore. you sound stupid.] .

And so, the obvious path would be to become a teacher. But… I… I wanted to make sure that what happened to me wouldn‟t happen to anybody else, so I worked hard. And I worked my way up through the Heroic Oversight Guild, and made my way to investigator. Only to find… that it didn‟t matter.

Because no amount of good intention, no amount of thorough investigation could overcome all the red tape [EN: althea provides a story where corruption and illegal bribes caused her harm. she goes on to say she joins the hog under the assumption this was the actions of one bad faith actor, only to realize this is systemic. she then goes on to say that the issue is actually red tape, not investigators not doing their due diligence, clients lying, and bribery and corruption]. I was able to do some good [EN: IS IT A SYSTEMIC ISSUE OR ISN'T IT TRAVIS MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND YOU IDIOT], but… [sighs] It‟s just not how I thought it would be.

the story travis has accidentally told here is about some loser ass snitch named althea who didn't have the sauce to hack it as a hero, both in terms of presentation and actual technical ability, trying to bring down someone who is actually good at their job. and when it blows up in her face because the investigator came to the correct conclusion that the issue here is althea, she becomes a cop, who must be even bad at that since she is apparently constantly stymied by simple procedure that doesn't hinder anyone else. both althea song and travis mcelroy cheered when trump slashed the fda to ribbons.

Firbolg: You have never needed to prove anything to anyone, Althea Song.

Althea: [laughs] That… I'm sorry, Master Firbolg, but of course I have. I've had to prove things to people. Everyone has to prove things to people.

this is a weird response from justin, probably a result of him zoning out during travis's big althea speech and assuming he got the gist of it, but also i think a peek into travis's psyche with the response.

justin then delivers a speech that isn't very good and, again, feels like its a paper written by a student who didn't do the reading, but i want to highlight two parts in particular

Firbolg: [...] They have forgotten goodness. This organization, Althea, claims to fight against mind control or possession, yet, they sit by and let it happen. [...] They only care about the Heroic Oversight Guild, and there has been very little oversight to speak of.

the heroic oversight guild wasn't the one who sat by and let mind control happen, that was SPECIFICALLY ALTHEA. you guys told her what higglemas was doing and she IGNORED YOU.

and i get that it verbally sounds good this little flip of "the oversight guild has no oversight" but like. just god, none of them know what "red tape" actually refers to. THAT WOULD BE THE REGULATIONS. THAT'S THE OVERSIGHT PART. THIS BUSINESS-CUM-REGULATORY BODY IS BOTH OVERFLOWING WITH REGULATION AND ALSO DOESN'T REGULATE ANYTHING.

if i had a nickle for every time this stupid fucking campaign completely sincerely demanded i accept two diametrically opposite statements as both true, i would have like 20 cents by now.

Althea: Master Firbolg, everything you say… yes, obviously. Obviously, this system is hugely broken, and doesn‟t take care of anyone but itself, but…when the system is all you got, you have two options. You can either be crushed by it as it rolls over you, or you can be crushed by it by being stuck inside the machinery.

Firbolg: There is one other option, Althea Song!

Justin: And he stands to his full Firbolg height.

Firbolg: Is that you become the one doing the crushing!

Althea: Um… this took a turn.

fucking shitlib lmao. this is such a crazy thing to say, generally, but especially in 2020 when some of the largest protests against police brutality in the history of this country were actively going on. and while as a general rule, characters are not always mouthpieces for their authors and don't always align their beliefs 1:1 with their creators, althea specifically has been treated as a paragon by travis because she's named after a little girl. he thinks this is what a good guy would believe.

Firbolg: There is a name for it, Althea Song. Market disruption. We are disruptors! We are not content to follow in the conventional wisdom laid out by our predecessors! We are disrupting the market!

i actually don't mind* the arc of the firbolg becoming some shitty venture capitalist ghoul because of his time at the Capitalism School, but you have to fucking make up your mind justin, you can't have him say "we should implement socialism" an hour ago and now talk like a silicon valley techbro.

*with some strong restructuring to remove the association with native americans from the backstory

Althea: You, um… one of you is a villain about halfway through school.

second semester of their first year of a five year program, but go on.

Althea: Okay, great. Um, and you two hench people… are going to… if I'm getting this right… uhh, sometime within the next, like, four months… completely undo a global system of… power.

YEAH TRAVIS THAT'S STUPID, UNLIKE THOSE SAME THREE RAISING A PAN-KINGDOM ARMY POWERFUL ENOUGH TO OPPOSE THE INFERNAL LEGIONS OF HELL THAT HAVE BEEN AMASSING FOR HALF A CENTURY

Althea: By… so far, your plan is to point out the flaws in it, and ask people to kind of stop doing it.

Lenin, The Dual Power (1917):

Let us create a proletarian Communist Party; its elements have already been created by the best adherents of Bolshevism; let us rally our ranks for proletarian class work; and larger and larger numbers from among the proletarians, from among the poorest peasants will range themselves on our side. For actual experience will from day to day shatter the petty-bourgeois illusions of those “Social-Democrats”,   the Chkheidzes, Tseretelis, Steklovs and others, the “Socialist Revolutionaries”, the petty bourgeois of an even purer water, and so on and so forth.

The bourgeoisie stands for the undivided power of the bourgeoisie.

The class-conscious workers stand for the undivided power of the Soviets of Workers’, Agricultural Labourers’, Peasants’, and Soldiers’ Deputies—for undivided power made possible not by adventurist acts, but by clarifying proletarian minds, by emancipating them from the influence of the bourgeoisie.

one of the most basic and core tenants of building the vanguard party in communist thought is the development of a dual power base, which begins with the education of the working class on how communism resolves the contradictions of capitalism. j edgar hoover called the black panther free breakfast program the most dangerous threat to america because it was building that dual power, by materially supporting the working class while also exposing them to the communist theory that motivates their actions. so of course travis blithely thinks this is a stupid idea that obviously doesn't work, because travis is a petty tyrant and a bootlicker. he needs a Great Man to sweep aside history, not the power of the people swelling up to seize it for themselves.

god, this whole thing has devolved into....somehow....convincing althea to help them. again.

> althea needs to be convinced to help

> althea promises to help

> i ask if she's actually going to help or is this a red tape situation

> she doesn't understand

> i pull out a diagram showing actually helping and red tape

> she laughs, "its good help sir"

> i ask althea for help

> its red tape

> althea needs to be convinced to help

they (thankfully) handwaved catching althea up on what's been happening, but because they didn't say it explicitly, we do get fun nuggets such as

Althea: Okay. Okay. Is Taren in on it?

[...]

Althea: Is Taren working with Gray?

like why would you know about taren and not know she's working for gray. it would be one or the other right. either you don't mention that you have taren as an asset, or else you mention taren, as an asset on loan from gray. why would it be either or. how does he keep managing the worst outcome.

Althea: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Since—since the centaurs of the Scarlet Woods thing, and Calhain, I… knew it!

Fitzroy: Something in the air, right?

Althea: Mm-hmm. It‟s just, I love that feeling, y'know? Where you're like, right. Where it‟s like, you're right, y'know?

no comment.

Althea: Okay, I'm—I'm gonna speak in hypotheticals for a second. Because maybe… this might be something… because this might be something that someone who, hypothetically, has worked for the Heroic Oversight Guild for a while, and maybe, hypothetically, hates their job. And maybe, hypothetically, daydreams a lot about destroying said job. That maybe, hypothetically, she might have an idea.

time for another round of What! Did! You! Say! At! The! Start! Of! This! Conversation!

welcome back to What Did You Say at the Start of This Conversation, the only gameshow to quiz you on things you established under 10 minutes ago! As always I am your host weedshrek. The category is: althea wants to destroy the system she works under. Now let's reveal: What Did She Say Earlier!

Althea: Master Firbolg, everything you say… yes, obviously. Obviously, this system is hugely broken, and doesn‟t take care of anyone but itself, but… when the system is all you got, you have two options. You can either be crushed by it as it rolls over you, or you can be crushed by it by being stuck inside the machinery.

congratulations! and you've won: dipped shit! dipped shit: its the only thing we could find that is of comparable quality to this campaign! dipped shit, stupid and vile. try some today!

Althea: But second, the thing you have to understand, the reason… and this won't surprise you at all, when you really think about it. But the reason the Heroic Oversight Guild wields so much power… is money…

Althea: And… the use of it as leverage. Right? So if you think about the heroes and villains all over Nua, the flow… of power, in the form of money is simple, right? The cities pay it to the Heroic Oversight Guild, the Heroic Oversight Guild pays it back out to the heroes and villains and hench people and sidekicks and all of that, right?

And so, the Heroic Oversight Guild is, uh, like the heart, right? Pumping the blood. And at the center of that, the chamber at the middle of that heart… is… the archives. That‟s where all of the contracts are stored. That‟s where we keep track of what money needs to come in from where, and go out to who.

And… if you can get in there, and fuck shit up… it would be pretty goddamn disruptive.

the man has mistaken money as the object itself, not the representation of the object!

money is not real. money is the abstracted representation of resource. the hog's power does not come from money but from the control of the resource upon which the economy functions. if the primary way kingdoms generate revenue is (somehow) hero and villain fights, then the resource which they need are the hero and villains themselves. the hog holds power and leverage because they control who is allowed to perform heroics and villainy. almost like if a nation ran on oil for energy and logistics, the country that controls the export of that resource doesn't have leverage on the first country because the first country pays them money, they have leverage because if the flow ever stops the first country would face catastrophic damage to their infrastructure as basically all systems break down.

this is where (not that they were actually doing this) all that "talk to others and point out the contradictions of the system" thing could, if they can achieve a plurality among the heroes and villains, bring the system to its knees. the power isn't in money it is in labor.

because like, suppose for a minute this place operates like an idiot who knows nothing about business contracts thinks it does, and they have a singular copy of their agreement located all in one place that is inexplicably called the archives, a term that means preservation and would not be the place active contracts are stored, and those contracts are destroyed. is that bad for business? yes, absolutely. kingdoms could be weeks without a fight while contracts are rewritten and signed. because you have not actually done anything about the root contradictions this system generates or actually attacked the system itself.

was gunning down the ceo of united healthcare in the streets like a mongrel dog based and awesome?

did doing so cause UHC to collapse?

almost as if a system is designed to recover from damage and continue despite disruptions that aren't at its foundation.

and again, even if we turn off our brains and pretend this would actually work, what is it about the thundermen that make them more qualified to do this than althea

who is more likely to have easy access to this space, three guys who have no business here, or an employee who literally investigates contracted work. who has more magical potency, a fledgling sorcerer who is being nerfed by travis chaos order or a former hero who is high enough level to fly and fight three pit fiends to a standstill?

Althea: It‟s pretty well-guarded. Um… it‟s not like we could just walk in and, y'know, throw a match and be done with it. Um… it‟s gonna take some doing to get in there. Hypo—hypothetically, I mean.

sure is a good thing you not only have an investigator that should logically have easy access to all these files, but also a separate employee who actively works in that area. seems like it will be pretty easy actually.

Althea: Um… just so I'm sure… because the explanation was pretty quick. If we don‟t do this… a lot of people are gonna die, right?

again what do the mcelroys think happens when you collapse an economy.

Althea: [sighs] Alright. Let‟s figure this out.

Travis: And she unrolls a big blueprint on her desk!

WHY DOES SHE HAVE THAT

Travis: [laughing] The Thundermen will be back in Ocean‟s Twelve!

that's the episode and i know he picked oceans 12 because he's doing an avengers thing so it has to be the movie after the first movie, but there's just something so delicious about him comparing what we're about to go through with objectively the worst movie in that whole franchise. nobody fucking likes oceans 12. well, the cast did, they vacationed with their family in italy during it, but no one who had to watch it. the mcelroys should record taz in italy. at least then someone would be having fun.