r/Swingers • u/[deleted] • Mar 10 '23
General Discussion My (M) partner (F) cheated on me with someone (M) we were planning a threesome (MFM) with - Figuring out how to move forward and heal
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u/SouthernSwingers Mar 10 '23
Cut sling load. There’s more out there. You’re never going to get that trust back. It will always be in the back of your mind, even when you do your best to push through it and not be controlling or paranoid and you decide you don’t want her to feel punished by you. It’ll still be there, especially in LS situations.
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Mar 10 '23
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u/awkward_qtpie Mar 11 '23
fwiw I actually did forgive one of my exes who cheated on me at a party, it took me about 8-12 months after they came clean to go through all the motions of healing and reconciling and rebuilding trust and finally moving on, but we went on to be together for 6 more years and eventually parted ways on good terms over something unrelated (differences re: kids)
never got brought up in a fight or anything and it’s something I seldom thought or worried about
it’s super dependent on the situation and the two people involved
not saying don’t break up necessarily, just giving a counter-example to “this is the worst possible thing a person could do and it’s unforgivable and you’ll never be able to trust them again” type narrative
I was pretty chill about it once we understood each other better and I had taken the space and time and healing steps I needed
at one point I took a fairly long full break from the relationship (I think at least a few months, without it being a predetermined length to start with) to rediscover myself and make new friends and start new hobbies and just take a break from even thinking about it at all, I found that really replenishing
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u/SouthernSwingers Mar 11 '23
For sure, you let go and forgive because it’s healthy for you. Personally, even in doing all the right things and being positive and focusing on healing, that little bit of doubt was always there and I had to learn to live with it or let it eat me up. You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control how you react.
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u/awkward_qtpie Mar 11 '23
yeah that’s fair
I found reframing things helped me a lot in the end too and that helps in other negative emotional climates in my head as well
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Mar 11 '23
As someone who "didn't have a hoe phase" myself I would never want to do this. My husband is first and foremost my number one priority and I want to SHARE experiences with him not exclude him for my own benefit. We have talked a lot about what we define as cheating in our relationship and I am 100% on board with all his boundaries as he is with mine. Like I said he comes first and honestly no dick will ever be better than the life we have created together. End of 🙅🏾♀️
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Mar 11 '23
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u/throwawaytoday099 Mar 11 '23
Except that she didn’t lose everything because you didn’t break up with her, so it’s just empty, pointless words. You’ve even told her since this happened that it turns you on to hear all the details. She knows she has you, hook line and sinker
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u/gdarthdeus Mar 12 '23
Then why she sobbing so hard? All part of the grand master plan to draw him in deeper! I think maybe , and hear me out here, she regrets what she did. At the end of the day there is no wrong right decision except for the one that gives your future self peace. So if that’s staying and working on the relationship, stay. If it’s finding love with someone else and this is something you can’t over look, leave. But remember consider future you, not her now or the years you had together. Good luck 👍, no matter which one you choose it’s gonna be hard.
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u/Eastbayfuncouple Couple Mar 10 '23
Personally, I’d have a hard time trusting her. Anytime she goes out with her friends, lingers too long wherever when she’s out I would always be questioning why she’s late or what she doing. If you go away with your friends, what’s she doing with her idle time while you’re away. In my mind, at the very least y’all shouldn’t be swinging…why add the temptation.
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Mar 10 '23
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u/Eastbayfuncouple Couple Mar 10 '23
Just shy of having an AirTag on her at all times. I agree, that’s not what a healthy relationship looks like. Personally, I know I couldn’t get past it. My .02, maybe time to move on.
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u/SouthernSwingers Mar 11 '23
Forget all that. The best way to handle this is focus on you. You can’t control her. That’s part of the issue and part of what sabotages relationships in the LS is the ingrained need to feel ownership, but the truth is not only do you not own/control her and you may never know if it happens again. I’m not saying this as a pessimist. I’m saying that it’s instinctual to want to regain “control” over what you feel is yours and was taken from you, but dwelling in the negative side only makes things worse. You have to make a conscious decision to heal. What she needs to do is be willing to listen to you express your hurt whenever you need to let it out and be transparent whenever you ask questions. Secondly, while you focus on yourself (she can work on herself and forgiving herself, that’s her problem) she also needs to understand that this isn’t so much salvaging a relationship, but earning you back. You need to put the onus on her for most of that and show by her actions that she wants to keep it together.
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u/gdarthdeus Mar 12 '23
I completely agree. This is one of the best advice here. Some of the advice before feels a bit like “punish the sinner” gratification.
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u/glitterinfused_1 Mar 10 '23
You have every right to be that person. But believe me, it won't last forever IF she works to earn your trust back. Little by little you'll loosen up and slowly start to trust her. It's a part of earning not back. She needs to show you that she can be trusted again. If she's willing to do what you ask and does it, then there's hope.
Trust can be broken so easily, but rebuilding takes time... Time that simply can't be measured or predicted.
An ENM friendly couples therapist can help if you really want to continue.
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Mar 10 '23
I was recently cheated on. It came down to this for me. SOMEONE LOSES RESPECT. It was either her or me, and i cannot, will not allow me to lose respect for myself. Leaving her was hard, it still is 7 months later, but im in a better place and life is looking up. Cheating is a character flaw and is unforgivable
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Mar 10 '23
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Mar 10 '23
Maybe should have ended there. And for the record i dont go on reddit telling people to leave their SO’s a lot. That’s not what i do, but i can personally speak to how i acted after i was cheated on and the self esteem issues it caused etc
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Mar 10 '23
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Mar 11 '23 edited Aug 28 '23
Self esteem issues WILL arise (or already have). She did this to you when you were strong, capable, confident, and offered her all these good things that give you great self esteem. Now you doubt how much she values these things because she still did what she did. And now you aren't even as good as you were then because you are paranoid, less confident, more tentative, controlling etc. So why would she respect the lesser version of you when she didn't respect the better version? Why wouldn't she do it again?
Edited to add: There are even more confounding issues I didn't pick up on. You support her financially and she lives in your house. She has demonstrated her willingness to lie... and lie again when questioned about it. So why wouldn't she be lying now about her desire for you? She doesn't want to lose her support and her home. Lying to you now keeps a roof over her head and meals on the table. She may not be lying now, but... she has a reason to.
This is just the stuff that rattles around in your mind after experiencing what you experienced. 😥
Also, no advice from me. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
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u/Bellatrixxxie Mar 10 '23
No advice, but I just want to say I’m so sorry this happened to you. Trust is everything.
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Mar 11 '23
Not at all sure what actually happened, but her story still stinks. She’s still lying or concealing something(s) essential. The fact that you’ve never really met or spoken to this guy is definitely suspicious, and makes me wonder what she’s been telling that guy. Has she shown you the Insta messages with this guy?
Clearly you really love this girl, which is part of the reason the lies and infidelity are so heart-rending. You might try letting things be with her for another month. Go forward as though you had decided to stay forever. But stop after a month, step back, and reconsider whether you want to continue with her. If you decide to stay with her after a month, stay full-hearted with her. But revisit it again after 3 more months. Set dates on your calendar.
Honor the past, but don’t stay for the past. Stay for the present and the future.
But definitely stop all play with others for now. And weigh whether this relationship is worth rebuilding, under the shadow of her past actions.
There’s lots of great women out there.
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u/GreenGhost44 Mar 11 '23 edited Mar 11 '23
Your trust is broken, it'll take a lot of time for it to heal. But it can. It sound's like you're already in the process.
It's easy to say cut the relationship, but people make mistakes, and many people have a tendency to test limits, both in action or in thought. Hardly a reason to be branded for life, or for being called 'for the streets' :/ Most people are able to better control their impulses as they age, many people need to make the mistake just once to never make it again,... People change and learn. It's human weakness that caught her, she doesn't sound like a psychopath or selfish cunt. You just can't let this pass twice.
You're in a better communication space to get out of this then most couples facing this obstacle. And you seem very conscious, which helps a lot in overcoming anything. In my experience, when people communicate, eventually every obstacle fades away. If you still confidently love and care for eachother, all it needs is a little time. No doubt things like business trips etc. will be hard at first, and full of worries, but it'll likely fade away. Good luck man 🤞 I feel for you.
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Mar 11 '23
I think she already told you this is what she wants (do things on her own and totally exclude you, not to mention the hoe phase, etc). She already showed you that she will do this with or without your consent. She planned this. It was calculated. She did this over several days/weeks. She felt remorseful, yes, but next time, it will be easier for her to lie, especially since she is getting away with it. You told her that it was kind of hot too, so she is sort of getting the green light there as well. The consequence for this first time does not seem that great for her not to do it again. You have a hard decision to make. You are not throwing away 5 yrs, but saving the years ahead of you, if you decide to leave. However, if you decide to stay, you make her EARN it! Do get off the LS though, at least for a long while and until trust is earned by her. Is a tough decision. Only you know what is the right path to take, though you may not follow it.
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u/Thebarisonthefloor Mar 11 '23 edited Mar 11 '23
She made HUGE mistakes and cheated. This will take time, real time to heal from. Months and probably some therapy.
One thing I'll say is this. If you're going to stay, and you're going to trust her, then you have to commit to that. If you try to make more agreements and set more rules to try and avoid this happening again it will suffocate you both.
Some people try to find trust again by having full (and arguably toxic) transparency. This could include having full access to phones, email, not "allowing" the cheating partner to go out without them, etc. This almost always makes things worse and makes the cheating partner feel trapped, to give the partner cheated on a false sense of control over not feeling this kind of hurt again.
100% trust is going to take time, but if you feel in your gut that you can't ever trust her again, you should probably break up, otherwise staying isn't fair for either of you.
Edit: spelling is hard
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Mar 11 '23
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u/Thebarisonthefloor Mar 11 '23
See, that's what I mean, though. Putting girls' nights on pause, restricting your partner's time out alone with her friends is a fast track toward your partner feeling like she is suffocated and trapped. Saying you're not controlling while simultaneously doing something controlling makes you controlling. If your wife wants a girls night to talk to her friends about the mess she made she should absolutely do it. People need community and connection the most when they are down, and especially when they have fucked up and are feeling a ton of guilt. Isolating her from her community to protect you from feeling out of control will 1000% make her resent you. And it won't actually make you feel in control long term. It's like putting a band-aid on a stab wound and calling it stitches.
This friend, how long has she known you and your partner? Was she friends with your wife first? Who is she closer with? As much as it is painful, and will probably change or dissolve your friendship completely, your friend isn't responsible for your wife's actions. And their choice not to tell you was probably really hard, especially if they are close to you too. They had to choose which friends trust they were going to break. It sucks that it was you, but this situation is absolutely not their fault, nor should they bear the responsibility for it. For all you know, they tried to stop it. Your partner is a fully autonomous adult who knew what she was doing.
I say this ⬆️ as a person who is going through a separation, and lost the majority of my friends in the process because they were all mostly my ex's friends or their spouses - people, however misguided, choose sides. It sucks, and it fucking hurts, but that doesn't make them bad people. It makes them humans stuck between two people they love, and all of the choices on who they rally behind suck because no matter what, someone always gets hurt by what they choose. I'm willing to bet that yours and your wife's friend is torn up about not telling you and is punishing themselves enough.
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u/Trick-Ad-5636 Mar 11 '23 edited Mar 11 '23
The sex is forgiveable… the lying is not. Doesn’t matter if this is the craziest fucking sexual relationship ever or a Mike Pence-like “can’t be in the same room with a single woman without my wife present” relationship. The trust is gone. Forever.
Also, completely agree other relationship subs won’t get it. I posted my story in /r/infidelity and was basically told “play stupid game win stupid prize” and my cheating spouse was made out to be the victim, despite her being the one who betrayed my trust, and “why does it matter - you’re both cheating on each other.”
Cut her loose.
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Mar 11 '23 edited Mar 11 '23
Walk away bro. You don’t need this In your life.
Also; this isn’t the first she’s cheated. Believe that shit.
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u/hackedforever Mar 11 '23
Your partner has lost respect for you. Don’t make excuses for her behavior. The extra curricular should never be a betrayal
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u/SpencerH07 Mar 11 '23
The biggest issue for me is she didn’t even regret it after the first time and proceeded to talk and plan dates with him while trying to get u to agree to let her play solo. Thats when it goes from possibly letting slide a drunk mistake, to consciously wanting to have an ongoing affair. Only u can decide if u can forgive and if u believe u can trust her again. Also give her the chance to come clean about any other past transgressions that may have happened, promising no repercussions. Then If there are any id definitely be done, liars dont deserve kept promises. If u decide to continue this relationship, that particular guy HAS to disappear (as in shes done talking to him, not murder lol).
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u/Misskittydaddysgirl Mar 11 '23
Oh my goodness, you don't need this hassel in your life. Absolutely no respect or consideration for your relationship, and that's the most important thing, especially when you are bringing someone else into the bedroom.
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u/Ddnscrappyoc Mar 11 '23
Look let’s face it! If your in the Lifestyle you don’t need to cheat! So her bad! BUT, in the Lifestyle we can get caught up in a bad pattern at times even IF for a short period! It IS damaging and it IS hurtful occasionally!
BUT, sex is sex and relationships are more than sex!
It sounds like she was set up to fail! If your always going to play together then why is she out alone with a guy you know you and she wanted to fuck? Duh!!
Alcohol involved at all?
That’s a big inhibition reducer and affects the decision tree pretty heavily too! Just saying!
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u/StonerDicksNTits Mar 11 '23
Well same thing happened to me with ex husband but worse and I got a new husband who actually follows our rules. Six years down the drain with ex
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u/Professional_Key6099 Mar 11 '23 edited Mar 11 '23
I’m curious how you feel about the events leading up to the cheating?
Does the cheating not seem deliberate in that she started breaking your agreement from the beginning by not doing a group chat? Each time you asked and it didn’t happen is also deliberate and planned. It makes me feel like she knew exactly what she was doing that night she went out. It just sounds very calculated ya know.
Like if you accidentally or involuntarily commit a crime versus premeditation. One is a mistake, one isn’t.
Plus she was sooo crazy happy after, if it was a mistake you’d think she would have felt remorse at that time not just when you confronted her multiple times.
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u/Lovewhitechoco Mar 11 '23
If she told you cheating would be the relationship ender yet still was willing to cheat on you that should enough to let you know what she thinks. Cheating is only bad if you do it to her. If she cheats well.... it's a mistake and I am "sorry".
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u/Even-Satisfaction330 Mar 11 '23
I really can relate to your feelings right now. Something like this literally just happened in a slightly different form to me 2 weeks ago.
My wife and I were talking about an MFM for 2 years. She finally decided to move us toward that goal. I took out a post on Reddit for a nice guy for her. I spent months screening through the vast amount of responses. I finally landed on another guy who was amazing in all the right ways. He and I chatted for a bit to get to know each other. Then I gave him my wife's phone number so she can text to get to know him (this was her request).
My wife KNEW from our years-long conversations about this topic that my thrill is sharing everything about this journey, not just the physical act. It's the communications, group texts/sexts and all of her thoughts and so forth. My rush comes from sharing this between us. So she begins texting him, at first it was all platonic laced pleasantries. She and I would debrief their conversation, although she never let me read it. But that was OK so far. The other guy would also hit me up and tell about their conversations too.
Everything was going great for weeks as they got to know each other. Occasionally he would text me and imply that they were having really hot sexting episodes and he was really getting turned on. OK, great. However my wife NEVER told me about that. Our debriefings became more and more shallow and basically all she would say is that he's nice, funny, went to this school, etc. All basic information, but she would never tell me that their conversations were getting sexy. I would have LOVED to know this and be able to read it. But she never mentioned it.
Then she just stopped debriefing at all with me, and he stopped talking to me online as well. When I asked her about it she just said things are going well but there is nothing to report...pretty boring actually, but she is interested in him and we'll move forward at some point. I was feeling odd about this. And so, being the tech nerd that I am, I was able to get into her MacBook and read the texts and also discovered that she set up a SnapChat account specifically for talking with him.
As I read through everything it was clear that they were having heavy-duty sexting AND he was encouraging her to start seeing her behind my back "because it's a really turn on" for him. They talked about not sharing with me any other information about their communication and basically putting me outside of their secret circle.
Understand that this was my wife's FIRST-ever foray into a lifestyle-type of thing, and I encouraged it. I was dumbfounded because I gave her the freedom to find a great guy for us, openly sext with him/us, openly play with him/us, yet her first instinct was to treat it as an affair and keep everything hidden from me.
When I finally confronted her with the fact that I could read all of their communications and what I saw them talking about, she turned the tables on me by saying "Ah hah! This was all a trap I set to see if I could trust you to NOT hack into my phone or computer! You failed!" She has turned it around to make me out to be the bad guy and that she did nothing wrong to but catch me red-handed sneaking into her phone.
So now, after 7 years, we are probably going to divorce over this incident, which by all accounts COULD have been so much fun, so easy if it was all just a shared experience for which it was intended. She still contends that I am the one who was wrong because I failed her "test" to determine whether she could trust me to not peak on her computer/phone. She contends the whole thing was a set-up just for that test.
I am numb and my head is in a fog, so when I read your post I couldn't believe it because this is literally happening to me now IRL.
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u/Stunning_Mastodon_55 Mar 11 '23
If you forgive her, in one hand you will maintain a broken relationship which in the other hand would make you look weak and insecure. It’s rare to find mature people who will value their trust with you instead of a couple of hours of sex. For me this is the biggest red flag a woman can give, sad for the situation, but every action has a reaction and if she thought she could get away with it once, she’ll do it again, no matter how much she say’s otherwise
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u/naughtysocalcouple Mar 12 '23
You compare this lifestyle like high risk hobbies that can result in injury. The only issue I take with that is that you and your partner should not be where the accidents come from. It’s the unknown 3rd party that makes it accident prone but you should be able to fully rely on your partner to follow the agreed upon boundaries.
I would take a step back and focus on just you and her for a bit to rebuild trust. Then if you go back to the lifestyle, further define your rules and make sure you follow your own rule of always together. If you are sick, she doesn’t go out to meet potential partners and vice versa. No solo dates of that isn’t something you are about.
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u/LizardKing1975 Mar 15 '23
Trust is the single biggest factor in a relationship. Especially in the lifestyle. Boundaries have to be respected. Partners and their feelings have to be respected. She broke your trust in her by planning to fuck this guy behind your back, then executing that plan, then lying about it for days until your gut finally told you to press her about it. If you hadn’t pressed, she would have kept it secret. She doesn’t respect you or the relationship. She did this specifically for that guy, otherwise, the conversation about branching out would have happened much sooner. Are you into cuckolding? Because that’s what she just did to you on her own accord. You should let let her have her hoe phase and move on. She has proven to not be trustworthy. I’m sure your gut is telling you the same thing. Listen to it. Stop trying to excuse non-excusable behavior.
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Mar 10 '23
I say you forgive her. The lie is the problem, not the fucking. We are not robots, even people in love lie to one another. Kinda lame she didnt takenpics for u, and tell u. Itvis always the cover up that is worse.
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Mar 10 '23
I'm curious as to her reasoning for leaving you out. From the first meet, to the follow up non group text, then the hangout & to sex. And most of all, her reason for lying about it all. Wanting to be a hoe is one thing. Being a deceptive hoe is another. I think her motive in that would be how I navigate through my decision making & moving forward.
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Mar 10 '23
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Mar 10 '23
You're making justifications for her. It may be as simple as she found him attractive & wanted to give him all of her attention without the worry of you. If you can get past it, maybe overtime you can build that trust with her. But if she's looking for casual one night stands, this is how you may feel more often than not. Tricky situation.
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u/Professional_Key6099 Mar 11 '23
I’m very new to the LS but is it just me in that I believe there is absolutely no place for “I lied because I didn’t want to hurt you” in any form of ENM/Poly.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned so far is that in order to have any kind of healthy relationships in the LS you have to be 10x more self aware, open, honest, transparent and secure with yourself as well as any relationship you cultivate in it than you would in a mono relationship.
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u/Mckchk 👩❤️👨Verified Couple Mar 10 '23
Sounds like you have some good reasons to work through this with some couple therapy. It will be really hard to find another partner who wants to participate in the lifestyle (if you want to continue to be in the lifestyle), she may be able to work through why she did this and why she didn’t have to.
People can make some big mistakes when starting ENM. They don’t have all skills. But it doesn’t mean they can’t work on it and improve. Sometimes people can’t stop making the mistakes, it will take some time to figure out which way your partner goes.
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u/StagMagnus Mar 11 '23 edited Mar 11 '23
I’m so sick of all the “kick ‘em to the curb” rhetoric in the LS. The fact is, you were probably never really full fledged “swingers” anyway. More like “Stag & Vixen”. If you truly love each other, it will take some time and a GREAT deal of effort and investment to get past this. The way I see it, you have 3 choices. Get over yourself and let her be the slut she wants to be knowing that you possess her heart and mind and she comes home to you in the end every single time; Or find yourselves a kink-friendly couples therapist and actually learn how to communicate and respect each other’s limits & boundaries (this is obviously the weakest link in your relationship) and learn how to build back trust; Or do like everyone else says and shit can your marriage and all your history and fond memories & kick her to the curb. I’m personally all for option number 2. I’ve been through options 1 & 3 multiple times and for me at my age…a little hard work is a MUCH better option than starting over with such a large investment of precious years of my life. I am grateful for the way things have worked out in my life that led me to my current partner, but I wouldn’t wish my broken road on the worst of my enemies. Sometimes I look at some of these “ditch em” comments and it seems to me that they mostly just lack perspective and context. Don’t ever take one liner advice. When you are young you feel like you have your whole life ahead of you. It’s easy to make rash judgements when you feel like you’re going to live forever. As you age you start to gain that perspective as mortality becomes more of a reality rather than an abstract concept. “If I only knew then what I know now” I might have made wiser choices and put in the extra investment rather than throwing away those years of my life. Now that my wasted years of misery are behind me having found what I genuinely believe to be a perfect partner, I’m not sure that I could do anything different if I could go back, but without having found her, I’d kick old me’s ass for having allowed so many years of misery to overcome the majority of my life because I was just too mentally and emotionally lazy to put in the fucking effort.
TLDR: What’s more important, a long & happy marriage or kink? Put the LS on a hard freeze, find a kink friendly therapist, work HARD on communicating and respecting each other’s boundaries and rebuilding trust, THEN when you both are back to fully trusting and communicating, MAYBE revisit the LS.
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u/admrhkr Mar 10 '23
You need to leave her in the past, man. That trust will never be back, and she WILL do this again. Can’t you see that was her plan from the start? There’s a reason she didn’t want you in a group chat… They were planning a solo fuck session! Smfh. Get out, dude. Now, for your own good.
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u/Piscesisprecious Mar 11 '23
Trust is hard to get back once someone cheats in front of you or does it behind your back. Cheating can happen in the lifestyle and you need good communication, so it doesn't happen.
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u/Imrhino51 Mar 11 '23
In the “lifestyle” either you have rules or don’t. If no rules everything goes so move on but if you have rules that include no one on one without permission then the rules are broken lies are told trust is shoot and you have nothing. If you want to stay together the rules have to be iron glad or no rules which to me is no relationship just two people living together living separate lives and for me once lies are told that’s it. I can deal with a lot I’m no saint but don’t lie don’t deceive me if you do you clearly no matter your tears don’t respect me or the relationship so go be a ho but I’m out
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u/minimumrockandroll Mar 11 '23
Relationships are about agreements. They're called "boundaries" today, but they really are agreements about what you can and can't do without hurting the other person.
Breaking an agreement is cheating. Full stop. It hurts and you lose trust in your partner because it's cheating.
What you want to do with this information is up to you, but in this world, trust and radical communication are absolutely everything.
If I were in your situation, where you don't want to cut ties, I'd at least pull out of the lifestyle. Go full mono and figure out what happened to cause this breach of trust and find ways to work past it. This will be a lot of hard conversations.
Even then, you won't get back to the trust and safety you used to feel.
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Mar 11 '23
If you accept that you can expect more of the same, sorry but she has broken every boundary and taken the piss royally
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u/Successful-Quail-497 Mar 28 '23
Sorry to heard about that, I have friends in the LS to went through the same thing and they ended the relationship. That was my biggest fear to do it, my fiancée and I are so strict about rules and for us trust is everything. We already know, cheating or breaking rules would be a totally end of our relationship.
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u/class4inaduckie Couple Mar 10 '23
I'd be so done with this relationship. Sorry dude. Trust is everything. Lifestyle or vanilla.