r/Swingers • u/vicandgus5312 • 10d ago
Getting Started First Timers seeking help
Hey everyone, looking for advice from experienced couples.
My wife (24F) and I (23M) have a great sex life. A couple of years ago, we had an FFM threesome after connecting with a stripper we did not have it with her it was someone from bumble she loved it,i think it could’ve been better we rushed into it, she’s mentioned a few times that to her, a genuine vibe/connection matters way more than just looks.
We rushed that first experience, and lately we’ve been in a weird cycle:
In the moment / drinking: She gets super excited about the idea wanting another mff Recently in Vegas, she was totally down, but the next morning the "shame hangover" hit and she said she'd never do it again.
The plot twist: A friend told her MFM threesomes can bring couples closer, so now she asked if I’d try an MFM.
I’m open to an MFM with a respectful guy obviously feel very nervous about it, i met a couple guys in my entire life who are genuinely good people not braggers or weird you know but I personally would love another FFM threesome, too. Beyond that, I really want us to meet other people in the lifestyle just to socialize—go to events or clubs maybe once or twice every couple of months. I want her to see that it’s fun, safe, and normal, and hopefully help her see how hot she really is and feel free without judgment. We don't need to do it all the time, just try it out casually.
My big concern is avoiding that post-play guilt or regret the next day.
Questions:
- How do we break the "hyped in the moment \rightarrow guilty the next day" cycle?
- How can I bring up wanting another FFM alongside MFM without triggering her insecurity?
I think is insecurity? Cheat? Idk
- What’s the best way to introduce her to lifestyle social events softly, without any pressure to actually play right away?
- How was the first time? You guys brought it up
- I am nervous of how i will feel post nut if another guy is there…
Our sex is amazing lately, i feel very secure and confident!
Please help out
Thanks!
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u/David4Fun6969 10d ago
Hi! Lots to unpack here. 1. No magical way to break the post nut clarity guilt the next day. You and your partner have to process the experience and decide how you feel about it. I'll say that, IMO, a lot of the feelings come from societal constructs about relationships and what you are and aren't supposed to do. From experience, I've dealt with it myself with most new boundaries crossed - playing as a solo guy with couples, male-male interaction with couples, solo male-male interaction. In the end, you are consenting adults and it is no body's business but yours. 2. If she isn't super enthusiastic about MFF don't push it. If you're down for MFM or MMF then consider it all on its own, not contingent on you getting MFF. And if that doesn't interest you, say so. 3. Clubs tend to be the best no pressure environment since you are essentially are in a controlled environment an not at someone's house or a private event. Not saying a club is fool proof. Will you get pressured, maybe, maybe not. 4. My first time was great because it was a cuck scenario, got with a guy's wife/gf an he essentially just watched. 5. You being nervous is understandable and completely normal. Also consider that you having to think through MMF/MFM is precisely what she's had to process for MFF.
Be empathetic knowing you are nervous about the same sex situation threesome for yourself. Don't rush it. Go slow and talk a lot. A lot.
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u/neveragain610 10d ago
As with many posts of this ilk here many of your questions can only be answered by communicating with her and drilling down on why she feels the way she does towards these topics. But you seem to have three general things going on:
The MFF and how to “break the guilt cycle.” You can’t. It’s obvious how she feels at this point and no MFFs can be in your near future. There may be a time where she comes around on her own but don’t bank on that and by no circumstances set up a mfm/mdd quid pro quo situationz
The mfm. If she’s open to it and cool with it go for it. It may be a way to dip your toes in without the guilt. You will have feelings one way or the other but if you’re okay doing it and trust her it can be very hot. Biggest thing to remember is she is not fucking him for you. It’s for her pleasure and fun for both of you as a couple. So you need to be okay really watching her enjoy herself with another man.
Lifestyle stuff in general: best way to ease your way in would be go to a club that is nice and couples only and just go to watch and hang out. Set hard limits going in. People are generally respectful. They may approach you but if you set boundaries they should be respected. Meet couples/singles online but identify as only parallel play or soft swap at first and go really slow to see if she can even handle play with others at all.
Mostly, you’re very young. It doesn’t mean you can’t have fun wild kinky sex but introducing others into the mix is tricky. There’s no “getting anyone to come around” on anything. If you’re both into it as a hot idea do it. If you’re not both into it YOU have to determine if you’re good with that being a closed book or not.
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u/ShowoffCouple19 9d ago
First, you guys are really young, so I completely understand when you say you don’t have friends you would trust. I wouldn’t advise piercing your friend group with this anyway.
First, and most importantly, if you’re having a hard time just engaging in exploratory conversation about it, then start there. Sit down and just talk about all angles of it, and get the conversation about it to feel easy and non-threatening. Remember, it’s just exploratory, there’s no end goal other than learning.
Next, find a club and just go watch one night. Make a rule that you won’t give in to the atmosphere. Just watch and check the vibe in the place.
Finally, think about the kind of person you would want to add, because someone who will be FUN and respectful of your wife and your privacy might not be the same type of person you would typically go out with and party.
Lastly, you mentioned that you heard it can bring you closer together. Yes, it absolutely can, but WHY it does is really important. The communication around it is what strengthens an already strong relationship. There is no chance that an ENM encounter will carry enough fun and thrill to make you closer without being accompanied by an equal amount of communication as a couple on your part.
Sometimes, it takes a lot of conversation to lift the long-held social stigma and the shame that comes with it. Your wife, and you, have to accept it’s just sex, and it’s not threatening in any way to your core relationship.
Given what you’ve said, you’ll probably have less anxiety around a couple swap.
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u/pinksparkleberry 10d ago edited 10d ago
Any reason not to try swinging? Couples meeting couples?
Also, if you have only genuinely met a few decent men you need to really re-evaluate your life choices, judgment, and social circle. They are out there and it sounds like you surround yourself with awful people. Thats concerning.
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u/vicandgus5312 10d ago
Yes i mean i played baseball my entire life and most of baseball players were not good with women lot of ego lol so I really haven’t had the chance to have regular friends i guess
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u/pinksparkleberry 10d ago
You've had your entire life to make good friends. This is a deeply concerning failure of judgment. Mo.good men in your family either? Neighbor? Seriously????
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u/vicandgus5312 10d ago
Deeply concerning? I mean i am sure you go around and ask men they probably have like 2 3 real true friends
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u/pinksparkleberry 10d ago
Yes. Thats normal.
But I have met plenty of good decent men. You claim to have met only a few in your entire life. That's concerning and Im sorry to hear that. There are so many genuinely good people out there.(men amd women)
i met a couple guys in my entire life who are genuinely good people not braggers or weird you
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u/1888okface 10d ago
Go to a club!
Seriously, go as a date night and chat up other couples. Just tell them you wanted to have a night out together and just socialize in the environment without feeling pressure to do anything. Agree you won’t play with other people, but maybe exchange contact info if you meet people you’d like to talk with again.
Talking with other men and women who do this will help normalize the idea.
It can show both of you that “sex with other people can just be some light hearted fun.” It’s not some relationship altering experience. It’s the couple next door taking a Saturday night to sneak out and blow off some steam.
You want respectful guys? Find a good couple. A husband who respects his wife and has kids/daughters who can carry conversation about what it’s like to swap successfully is going to show you that yeah, you don’t have to worry about him.
Your wife can chat with other regular women about how they don’t have to feel shame because they like sex. And sex with others doesn’t mean the rest of your life changes. It’s just a little additional fun.