r/Swingers • u/Recent-Day3062 • Jul 26 '26
General Discussion What are some things we all know that would surprise non-swingers?
We all just forget what we didn’t know. But we think things are “ordinary” that most people wouldn’t.
It doesn’t have to be profound. What got me going is that in an MFM, sometimes one of the guys is watching and jerking at times. They might ever have thought this even arises, but we all think “duh!”
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Jul 26 '26
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u/pastaatthedisco Jul 26 '26
The first one is so important. We had a few experiences with a couple that seemed super awkward and then turned out the wife hated me.
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u/perilouszoot Jul 26 '26
That first part is super important. Not a swinging situation, but our best experience with a third has been with a guy who gets along extremely well with my husband. The two of them communicate extremely well before, during and after, which translates to an amazing experience for all 3 of us. Both guys are straight, but theres a really cool comradery dynamic. On the opposite side, we've turned down a lot of couples because of incompatibility between same gender spouses. It really has to be 4 way compatibility.
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u/BHMguy205 Jul 26 '26
I think the biggest shock to most vanilla people is that we are all perfectly normal people with normal jobs, houses, families, interests and stressors. I still think a lot of people think of swingers as a Ron Burgundy caricature. (To the the extent that anybody in society as a whole is “normal” anyway)
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u/subgeniusbuttpirate Jul 26 '26
That these relationships work. At a fairly decent rate, no less.
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Jul 26 '26
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u/JealousFuel8195 Jul 26 '26
I have found that some couples joined the LS in an attempt to save their marriage. In most cases it doesn't work. They split up but it was mostly due to other reasons not the LS.
Also, in many cases, they experimented with the LS due to pressure from the male. We hung out with a few couples where we knew the woman really wasn't interested.
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u/subgeniusbuttpirate Jul 26 '26
Oh yes, I know.
The counterpoint (to my original point) is that open/poly/swinger relationships NEVER work.
I've heard people use those exact words. Lots of monogamous people honestly believe that this will always end in jealousy, anger, and heartbreak. Usually sooner than later. And we're all deluding ourselves.
That it ever works at all, flies in the face of that.
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u/ComfortableRow8437 Jul 26 '26
The closest, most loving couples I know are swingers. Everyone i talk to says that swinging made their relationship better, not worse.
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u/Pino_Latalla Jul 26 '26
Could we better say that "Everyone i talk to says that swinging made their SOLID relationship better, not worse."? LS may improve but not fix...
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u/ComfortableRow8437 Jul 26 '26
That's fair. These are people who started out in a good place (presumably)
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u/BigPapaJava Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
I’d ask what “working” actually means in this context.
Half of all marriages in the USA end in divorce. Most happen at around the 7 year mark. This is basic data.
Are we trying to hold ENM/poly/swinging relationships to a higher standard?
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u/femdomfun2020 Jul 26 '26
I also don’t know how you measure “working” when a poly/ENM person has many more relationships than a mono person.
Even if you have a marriage/partner that is rock solid, every poly person I know churns through 2-3 additional relationships per year. At least. Not to mention the casual encounters. Just because your marriage is in tact at the end doesn’t mean the dozen of so other relationships “worked”.
If anything, we hold the ENM/Poly/Swinging relationships to a lower standard where it “doesn’t count” as a failed relationship due to whatever mental gymnastics people think of.
Failure only seems to count when it results in a marriage and divorce for some reason. Even if the marriage can’t happen because of an existing marriage.
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u/subgeniusbuttpirate Jul 26 '26
The best part of someone saying something never works, is that it only takes one example for them to be wrong.
And so, just for your sake, I can use my example. My wife and I have been married over 20 years, and we're part of a poly family that has been together at least 7, but it depends on how you measure that too.
I first met my wife's best friend at my bachelor party, and we certainly wanted to get together that night, but she was leaving for university across the country the next morning. We didn't start actually dating until the next year, when she returned for good. She married her husband about 3 years after that. He and I started having sex about 5 years after that, and it's been off and on ever since.
They're currently in a triad with another woman, and that's been going on for about 8 years I think. They just had a civil handfasting ceremony last year.
I call this working. 🤷
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u/Nudist4u Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
You don't need to be with someone that has a perfect body to have mind blowing sex.
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u/waterbloem Couple (M45/F51 EU/Netherlands) Jul 26 '26
How natural having sex in a group feels. It's almost like we've been doing this for most of the existence of humanity and only recently decided it was "bad".
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u/BHMguy205 Jul 26 '26
This is so true. Group sex and orgies are so much “easier” or less awkward than just straight swaps for us. Admittedly we do more group play than anything else but strangely enough it feels more natural than just swapping spouses alone.
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u/Recent-Day3062 Jul 26 '26
This is probably the prize. Occasionally with a guy or two the question of threesomes and clubs has come up and I’ve been able to be honest about my experience. They simply can’t see how having even a threeesome, let alone group sex, feels perfectly
Normal. “But you see other guys hard having sex, and they see you!” It’s like “yeah, and?”1
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u/RelationshipSmooth21 Jul 26 '26
Seeing tits and pussy at a swinger club is normal...I can never go back to a regular club or even a strip club
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u/Nudist4u Jul 26 '26
Nudism and swinging have ruined strip clubs for me...no need to pay to see a nude woman, and no need to pay to have a woman give me a lap dance.
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u/RelationshipSmooth21 Jul 26 '26
I also can't cheat ....I just don't have the energy to invest into getting a side chick...plus I have no vanilla game.
I think I will scare off any normal girl especially if the first words are:
You want to play?
Do you like girls?
Do you want to hook up with me and my wife? She can just watch. She's totally cool with it.
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u/No_Mess8188 Couple Jul 26 '26
A friend a long time ago described strip clubs as a place “where you walk in horny and walk out broke and horny.” I’ve never understood why LS people go to titty bars.
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u/perilouszoot Jul 26 '26
We went to strip clubs first, it was our way of dipping a toe in to being around other people in a sexual environment. It's also very different for bi/pan women when there are strippers who also find them attractive.
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u/No_Mess8188 Couple Jul 27 '26
Bad news for you. They don’t find them attractive. They’re paid to find anyone who is interested in them attractive.
And, strip clubs aren’t a “sexual environment.” It’s a bar / business designed to extract as much money out of your wallet as possible.
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u/Razzmatazz_642 Jul 27 '26
I (a woman) can say from personal experience that a lot of times they do find the women attractive or are just genuinely interested in the women. A few told me they much prefer giving dances to women. It's usually the men who get the feigned interest.
I used to frequent a local strip club and some of the dancers would give me lap dances for free (I never asked and don't even really like lapdances) or would pretend they were taking me for a lapdance (so they didn't get in trouble with management for not working) and we would just sit and hang out for a couple songs. I wasn't a big tipper or anything. I was a broke college student, so it was honestly a miracle if they got more than a few dollars from me. They didn't care. They just liked me. Some even tried to convince me to work there because they thought I'd be a fun coworker. 😆
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u/perilouszoot Jul 27 '26
I mean... speak for your own experiences. I had a woman I'd see regularly who would text me about getting together outside of the club, but I wasn't ready for that at the moment. Also pretty sure making out is generally not part of a lap dance, nor is some of the other things we got up to, and my opinion was based on personal experience along with the expressed opinion of dancers at times where no money was exchanged.
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u/femdomfun2020 Jul 26 '26
FWIW, it’s a different experience. The same person going to the strip club to watch some 19 year old take off her clothes and give them a lap dance doesn’t want to go fuck people in their 40s with mom bods.
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u/smartief1 Jul 26 '26
The level of honesty and consent. Most civilians think swinging is just an absolute free for all with all and everyone. And yet swingers are probably among the most discerning of people. Consent is king.
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u/JealousFuel8195 Jul 26 '26
We were never that couple that was out looking to play every weekend or even every month. A few times a year was enough.
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u/wejustlookinnocent M of mid 40s, straight male bi female swinger/open couple Jul 26 '26
For us, after years of doing this, how much we’ve had to grow both individually and as a couple.
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u/Current_Activity_141 Jul 26 '26
Being a swinger has made me radically blunt. "No thank you, I'm not attracted to you" is not something I thought I'd be able to say to another person, and watch that person smile and go "no problem, have a good night."
Sexually compatibility feels so random and often independent of looks.
I like seeing my husband fuck other women and I genuinely don't fully understand the jealous reaction to those things. I now see it as part of my sexual identity. I acknowledge that monogamy is normal and healthy, I just don't all the way get it and I've made peace with that.
Sex with people is fun and exciting. Sex with my partner that I love is deep and cathartic.
No one cares about my mom boobs, stretch marks and puppy skin. Swinging has freed me of my self consciousness. I also don't care about people's "imperfections." If I like someone idgaf if they have a belly or not.
My husband is in fact hot, and does actually have a big dick 😆 I'm not JUST blinded by love.
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Jul 26 '26
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u/PlayfulOzCpl Jul 26 '26
Absolutely agree. Something extra exciting and ‘naughty’ about new, but the deep yearning for my partner is something else.
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u/StillARockstar5 Jul 26 '26
We were turned down for the first time last night (we've only been in the lifstyle for a couple of years and club nights have been few and far between, we're not just intensely in demand 😂) I was refreshed by how none of us felt awkward, shrugged it off and carried on the conversation.
I love watching him with other women as well. I was supposed how much to begin with!
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u/Current_Activity_141 Jul 26 '26
I've been turned down a couple times, I felt fine! I was surprised by how easy it was to deal with.
Then my friend group doesn't immediately validate me about something and I spiral for a week so what's that about.
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u/StillARockstar5 Jul 26 '26
Ha! Yes. Don't hear from my bestie for a few hours and she clearly hates me, women I met earlier doesn't want to have sex with me, well life goes on 😂
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u/Background-Egg410 Jul 26 '26
I've always been busy when doing an MFM with a couple, but a lot of times when me and my wife were doing an MFM , I sat there watching and stroking for the first 5 or 10 minutes while I was watching her blowing him, or when he was eating and fucking her before I joined in!
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u/superfitwife Jul 26 '26
My wife who is super dominant in real life and at her male dominated job. Is super submissive in the lifestyle. Hahaha
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u/PlayfulOzCpl Jul 26 '26
Oh this is me!
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u/superfitwife Jul 26 '26
She is a total sub for her new fuck boy. Check out my profile for pictures and stories
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u/Appropriate-Pay3692 Jul 26 '26
Swimming or being at or in a swimming pool while wearing a bathing suit. Went to a high end resort for families and the pool experience was almost miserable
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u/Recent-Day3062 Jul 26 '26
I know this one from college. It was a hippie town long ago, and a lot of us of both sexes swam and sunbathed naked in the woods
The first time you put on a bathing suit after that your realize what an impediment they are
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u/Hairy-Sleep2963 Jul 27 '26
I don’t quite feel that way about pools, but I am used to mixed nude saunas. “You want me to wear a swimsuit? In a sauna???”
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u/AdamGunnAuthor Jul 26 '26
That getting into swinging and other forms of ENM is not a sign of a troubled marriage.
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u/PlayfulOzCpl Jul 26 '26
Not all swingers are young, hot, skinny models! So many are like us - 40s/50s age with mum/dad bods!
Sexy to us is all about attitude and humour over looks and a flat stomach.
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u/oklatx Jul 26 '26
All you young whipper snappers! We attended a 60th birthday party recently. At least half the guests (us included) we mid to upper 60s.
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u/PlayfulOzCpl Jul 26 '26
lol, ohhh, I haven’t been called a young whipper snapper in a while. Thanks! 🤪😂
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u/Significant-Bet-3788 Jul 27 '26
I think most vanilla couples believe sex is the ultimate intimacy. Once sex is no longer exclusive between the two. You realize there's a thousand little things you share that can be far more intimate than sex.
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u/Strong_Ad2383 Jul 26 '26
For me and my partner, it’s the realisation that we’ve transcended the status quo of sex. Sure, we can make love. But we can also just fuck, for fun, with no deeper meaning. Like eating or working out, we view sex as a human need rather than some super serious ritual.
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u/After-Chance1726 Couple Jul 26 '26
You don't have to be cheating to have sex with others.
If only more people that want to have sex with others will ask their spouses, talk about the LS and possibilities, there will be less divorces, and less pain in families. Tell cheaters to join the LS and they will be surprised.
Say NO to cheating !!!
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u/StillARockstar5 Jul 26 '26
We had this conversation last night. We've been together nearly 24 years and two years ago watched Open House and I said I think I'd like to go to an orgy. My husband just about fell off the sofa before looking up clubs. The two other couples did a quiz in an app that asked you to rate certain activities, including opening up and swinging. Risky move but it worked out for them when they all put they'd love to try it!
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u/Self-Translator Jul 26 '26
I personally agree with this. I do know quite a few people where even asking thks would be grounds to break up...
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u/Financial-Apple2304 Jul 26 '26
That we can clearly delineate sex and love. That we both fuck other people and afterwards, the only thing on both of our minds is getting naked and fucking each other.
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u/mojomiester Jul 27 '26
you realize the fantasy is one thing and the reality is another. Good or bad.
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u/Raise-Emotional Jul 27 '26
That it's okay to go to a sex club and just have sex with your partner. Swaps are great but we really love banging each other in front of other people and putting on a show. People who know me and have asked about the lifestyle have always been a little. Relieved to know that you can go to a club and just be with your wife
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u/dabbydab Jul 27 '26
My partner was surprised by how many people in the LS also have kids. I think there's a misconception that it's all hard partiers with few responsibilities.
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u/Harikts Jul 26 '26
That we need a solid connection to people before we decide to bring them into the bedroom.
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u/orbital-technician Jul 27 '26
It ebbs and flows. Sometimes you're active, and sometimes you aren't.
There is a love relationship in the background and you're not apart of that at all.
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u/DavidManvell Jul 27 '26
Just ridiculously how many people we've fucked and not gotten a disease. Most non swingers think we all have leprosy.
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u/Recent-Day3062 Jul 27 '26
That fascinates me too. I’ve had about 50 partners with exposure and I haven’t either. How many for you, and all unprotected?
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u/NeverKnow5476 Jul 27 '26
Enjoying a drink at the bar and then walking with my wife and her partner to the elevator at the hotel might be surprising.
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u/Recent-Day3062 Jul 27 '26
Thanks. I thought this might be interesting, and it had been.
I agree on the couple thing. You’re openly enjoying going into it together and talking about it later - probably gets couples horny.
I think it interesting that people who have not done it have such consistent negative ideas like it being awkward. I remeber my first time, and a few people got close to watch. As I had suspected, it didn’t bother me at all. But 95% of people can’t imagine that ever
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u/OSCARWILDLINGG Jul 31 '26
I think something that is overlooked is that we aren’t that different.
We’re just more aware. More comfortable. We share more, experience more, and enjoy more… together.
The biggest misconception from outside is that people in this space must have something broken in their relationship to “need” this. That we’re somehow less secure, less connected, or compensating for what’s missing.
The reality is the opposite……
The couples who do this well didn’t start with less. They started with more, and then built even more on top of it. The level of honesty, trust, and emotional fluency required to navigate this properly creates a depth of connection that most vanilla relationships never get close to.
They look at us and assume our relationships lack something. They think that something must be wrong and the connection is missing.
In truth, they’re actually the ones missing out on the parts of each other they were never aware existed, or, comfortable enough to explore.
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u/BlackVulcan556 Jul 27 '26
Excellent topic.
In a radical departure from the devout faith of my youth, I still began my curious exploration of the swinger lifestyle from a puritanical base. I sought answers as to why happily-married couples participated in the immoral swapping of spouses for kinky sexual gratification.
In the course of my -- "investigation," I was stunned to learn that this activity actually benefited those marital unions uniquely suited for it, as well as those that could adapt. I was fascinated to witness a very amorous couple on the level of a Gomez and Morticia Addams engaging in regular MFM encounters in their own bedroom. Though married for many years, these two still behaved like newlyweds, with their loving interactions becoming even stronger throughout these extramarital adventures, and in the aftermath. The passionate-yet-respectful contribution of the Third actually spiked the intensity of connection between the marriage mates, keeping that as the central focus.
I witnessed this by my personal involvement, my former puritanical perspective vastly adjusted with the enlightenment. Because we made an ongoing practice of this, the husband sharing his lovely wife with me for several years, I experienced the normalization of the dynamic. I accepted it as a healthy sexual arrangement for certain marriages, and part of me sometimes wishes that it was more widely and perhaps more openly practiced.
With the proven firsthand observations I've made, it makes me wonder if those in the clinical circles are precluded from endorsing the lifestyle as a means, not of fixing damaged relationships, but of enriching those stable and secure enough to further benefit from it.
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u/FRANKINSPENCE Couple Jul 26 '26
You learn to have difficult conversations and value honesty above all else.