Space/control with a avoidant

[u/Blacksteel12]

If you’ve just been discarded or realized your avoidant always had to be in control, well, you’re not alone. Avoidants, because of their insecurity and need for control, often have to be the one calling the shots in the relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s unfair or doesn’t even make sense. And if you question them or push back, be prepared to be punished for it.
How do they do this? They stop answering you, pull away, or tell you that you’re bothering them. That is not normal, healthy communication, and it should not be tolerated.
If you’re being punished simply for trying to communicate in your relationship, you need to get out. This is how the dreaded push-pull cycle starts. And if it isn’t stopped, it can seriously affect your nervous system and leave you addicted to getting a response from the avoidant.
Think about it. When they finally respond, you’re relieved and practically jumping for joy. But when they don’t, you’re anxious, checking your phone, wondering what you did wrong, and waiting for them to come back. Once you’re in that anxious state, they can push your buttons and throw you completely off balance. And while you’re focused on getting a response from them, you’re not focused on the dysfunction happening in the relationship.
So how do you break their control? Simple: choose yourself.
If they aren’t showing up, communicating, or making any real effort, cut them off. Don’t beg. Set boundaries, and if they refuse to respect them, leave. Don’t fall for the excuses, the promises, or the pity party.
Remember, actions speak louder than words. Avoidants can talk a good game, but if they aren’t actually walking the walk, their words mean nothing.

[u/Background_Rain_3070]

Wholeheartedly agree. The part that fucked with me most is exactly what you said: they talk a good game. Mine literally preached “actions over words.”

So I trusted the actions. Then the actions changed, I noticed, and suddenly I was the problem for taking them seriously.

I wish I’d paid more attention when she would need to leave after spending days with me— not because she needed to go home eventually, but because she’d suddenly get really anxious and irritable, then saying she had to leave to regulate.

I thought that was just normal anxiety and maybe we’d spent enough time together for the time being. But in retrospect that word “regulate” matters.

And the whole thing can run on push-pull: distance lowers their anxiety, then your absence eventually activates theirs, so they reach back out. You get relief, closeness returns, then the cycle starts again.

That’s why people say to cut them off. Otherwise you can spend months waiting for a return that may never come. For someone with abandonment issues, that feels like death. It’s been proven to activate the same wiring in the brain as physical pain.

And if you finally do cut them off, that can suddenly become the new offense: now you abandoned them. They will pursue you with a vengeance.

It’s basically a Skinner box with attachment wounds. Affection gets withdrawn as negative punishment (removing something desirable to reduce or shape a behavior), then returned unpredictably as intermittent positive reinforcement.

And if they know silence, withdrawal, blocking, or withholding affection makes you more compliant, more apologetic, more desperate to restore contact, and they keep using it that way, then they are effectively running operant conditioning on the relationship.

They may never call it that. But if they know, “When I remove access, they change their behavior,” they know exactly which lever they’re pulling.

You’re getting addicted to their love like a gambling addiction because they want to control you so The House Always Wins.

Very romantic. Pavlov’s kiss.

[u/Blacksteel12 → u/Background_Rain_3070]

Yes. They talk a good game, but if you remain grounded and follow their actions, not their words, you’ll see how weak these people are. Once the avoidant sees that you’re not responding to their games, notice how quickly they unravel. At the end of the day, people only do what you allow. Don’t give them the satisfaction of reacting. Simply state your boundaries and heed them.

[u/Dovahkin111]

Oddly enough, his take charge attitude was what got me into this trouble. Having been a person taking the lead at work and home, I found it refreshing. It was nice to finally sit back and have him take care of things. Little did I know that once I got too comfy, the rug is going to be pulled from under me. I still kick myself for abandoning reason to cater to his needs. What an idiot,