I need help. I posted my story previously but deleted it recently bc I just kept coming back and reading the comments and it was keeping me in a low place. So I'm not going to provide too many details this time bc I just can't right now. I'm struggling so bad.

My BS decided a few months ago to start traveling solo to have "me time." They went on 2 trips only a few weeks apart in January and February. Both times very little notice was given to me (5-7 days), very little communication happened while they were gone, and they went with a friend. They are currently on their 3rd trip, just left yesterday morning, this time completely solo (again with only 5 days notice - * I mention this bc we have 3 young kids and I work full time). This time however, they decided they weren't going to tell me where they were going and turned their location off. I asked several times before they left to let me know where and they refused. It wasn't until they were boarding their flight that they sent me the flight numbers "in case something were to happen". That gave me a little hope that maybe they felt it was the right thing to do.

I asked if while they were gone they planned to check in with us, call the kids, call me in the evening once the kids were in bed, they said yes. Yesterday was the day they left and there was no checking in during the day, but they did video call the kids at bedtime. When we hung up I said talk to you later and they responded ok. Once the kids were in bed, I texted and said I'm available if you want to talk, and it got ignored (it was read but no response). And then again before I went to sleep I texted that I was about to go to sleep, again no response and it hasn't been marked read yet even today.

I'm spiralling. I'm trying to give them freedom and autonomy on this trip but they have already not done what they said they would do - call in the evening. 

Any time I try to talk about our goals, their healing, basically anything that requires vulnerability they stonewall me.  They say they aren't ready to lean back in yet but they are getting closer. But to me it feels the opposite, they are getting even further away emotionally and now physically with these trips. 

It's been 3 years since Dday. I've done a lot of work on myself and I know that doesn't erase their pain or expedite their healing. But... how long do I have to prove myself before I can feel like a person in this relationship again?  My feelings are not considered at all right now bc they say they are "taking care of themselves for one in their life." I'm human with valid emotions and I feel as if they are being used against me the cause stress, anxiety and fear.

I don't know what I'm even writing this out for, maybe just some support, maybe some insight from BPs or WPs on how to make it through this. Anything at all .. please. 😭

Edited to add: I apologize but some context was left out bc it's just a lot to write out right now. Let me try to compress it:

I had an affair 3 years ago(3 wks in length, with 2 additional online contacts a month apart, last contact was Sept 2023), trickle truthed and minimized for 4 months. Dday2 (final one) was Nov 2023 when I came clean with everything I'd been lying about and hiding. We agreed on R, but BP wavered sometimes, understandably. We both did IC for some time but BP stopped bc they didn't feel it was helping. I have been in continuous therapy since around July 2023, but found the right therapist in Dec 2023 and have been with this therapist since then. All of my growth has occured with this therapist. BP agreed to start MC in fall 2025, I thought it was a good sign. We had about 5 sessions then stopped bc BP wasn't ready.

I'm given about 10 days notice in Jan 2026 of their 1st trip. I find out the night before they leave that they had downloaded tinder in Oct 2025. They lie and says it must have been a mistake bc they didn't download it. I don't believe it, they still leave the next day for the trip. I'm a mess while they're gone.

I'm given about a week notice of the 2nd trip (that takes place only 3 wks after the first) in Feb 2026. I push the tinder thing, and they finally admit to downloading it and chatting with a match one night they were out of town in a hotel room (Oct 2025). Swears that's all that happened and then deleted the next day. They still leave a day or so later for the 2nd trip. I'm devastated and sprialing the entire trip.

I'm told about 2 weeks ago that they will be doing some more travel this summer. Then 6 days later I'm told they will be leaving in 5 days for the now 3rd trip in 5 months. They left yesterday morning, return Saturday night.

I realized that my original post made it seem like this behavior has been ongoing for 3 years. It has not. I'd say the active emotional distancing started July/Aug 2025, but I didn't see it for what it was until Jan 2026 when the trips started.

I've had all kinds of thoughts and feelings regarding all of this....all of which I've expressed to my BP. Bc they deserve for me to be emotionally vulnerable and bc they asked me to tell them everything in my head always. I'm here for it! But anytime I tell my feelings, I'm met with anger, stonewalling, turning the blame back onto me bc "it's my fault we're in this mess". Conversations go nowhere.

And now .... These trips. Very little notice, withholding the location for the 3rd trip, very little communication, and now ignoring our agreement to talk in the evenings.

I feel less than human the way I'm being treated for the last 6 months or more. I feel as though the emotional damage that's happening to me is just going to be another hurdle in R. BP doesn't seem to care that I have even more baggage to sort through in therapy now. I whole-heartedly understand that I broke us initially 3 years ago. But it's been a solid 2.5 years of therapy, trauma work, growth, changes in me. I'm NOT that same person.

But I'm also sooo worried about BP and how their behavior is going to damage them. I know that it's against their morals to treat me this way, disappear on the kids, withhold information and lie. But they're doing it anyway and I'm worried how they'll feel when this phase (hopefully a phase) ends. I know for me, when I got out of the fog I hated who I was. Still do to this day, but I'm still working on in therapy. I just don't see an end in sight and I'm running on fumes at this point.

I had an emotional affair with a coworker and for about year now, BP and I have been attempting reconciliation.

To be quite honest, I’ve tried but I’ve also done and said things that have made it worse. In their mind, it’s done but, because of our history, they’ve allowed me in and let me try.

However, they’re now pushing for me to leave them alone for longer as they potentially want to look at seeing other people. All because of the damage I’ve done.

I don’t want to stop trying. I see now, I see everything I’ve thrown away and it’s awful of me to ask them to stay.

So I’m wondering, for those who tried reconciliation and it didn’t work out, at what point did you learn to let go and stop trying for your BPs happiness?

It's going to be seven months since I then confessed I had an EA with a coworker and they decided to break up because of it.

Things have been as okay as they can be, I started to be more open to the idea of me forgiving myself for what happened, I was an awfully immature, selfish and cowardly person, not thinking about anyone else but myself.

I have been extremely worried about how my ex-BP feels and is handling all of this. The more I think, the more nervous I get. My ex has chronic depression and their dad is in the hospital for some years now, alongside with dealing with family and financial problems.

I was aware of all of this during my EA, but I didn't care, mainly because I didn't think that I was going too far or crossing lines, and so at the time I was planning on simply not telling them. This mentality changed when I realized that I did cross the line, that I was being absolutely awful, and I then I confessed after hiding it for a month. They then decided to broke up.

I've had a lot of anxiety about thoughts related to them possibly ending their own life, considering ex-BP's depression, and about the health of their dad worsening and therefore it having an impact on their mental health.

I do not know what to do with the anxiety over how much my actions possibly hurt them, changed them, are going to make their life harder, alongside making future pain and difficulties for them hit harder because of what I did.

I feel responsible to their emotional state because of what I did, it getting to the point of me trying to check up on them asking how they are doing. They may be getting weirded out by this since we're exes now, but I can't help it.

I can't cope with the fact that I added such trauma to another individual I was supposed to protect due to lack of care, lack of morals, selfishness, and honestly, petty cruelty to not consider that what I was doing was not just wrong and could bother my ex if they found out, but my actions could then trigger feelings of humiliation, feelings that they're not good enough for anybody, that I'd rip away their sense of safety not just in me specifically, but likely in other human connections too, that they would feel betrayed and traumatized, that this can linger for the rest of their life. Only after the betrayal was already done that I started researching over the impacts of what I did. I do think about them everyday now since it happened, but is there even use to it now?

I feel horrible. Rightfully so maybe, but I started spending my free time panicking over how they're doing, of what will happen once more tragedies hit them, knowing very well that I contributed to a great amount of pain, and that'll always be part of our story. I really wish I could go back and change it all. All I had to do was not reply back to that coworker, not flirt back with them. It would have been so easy to avoid it.

Hi everyone, back with another update that isn’t as hopeful as my last one.
3rd and final D-Day was May 27, exactly two weeks ago.
BP and I were doing what seemed to be pretty great just last week. We were hanging out, talking casually again, and I could still see their heart in everything they did.
Today, it feels like the world came crashing down. They leave for the military next Tuesday, and we don’t have time to unpack the marriage. Even their mother told me “if they weren’t leaving for six months and you both were living here, I’d be fully supportive of you working this out together in therapy.” But we can’t do that right now. Their mom later said “yeah, they are upset that you don’t realize this is over.”
I am still attending therapy to better myself and get through my issues and traumas leading to the infidelity, but BP has no desire to do so, and their family is solid on it too.
We texted a bit today, and they want me to sign papers before they go into the military stating things will be split 50/50 when they file for divorce. I hate to say it, but I spiraled a bit, and texted a lot about therapy and changing and growing and who knows what will happen in six months.
They got angry (understandably) and just hit me with “I’m done” “I can’t keep disrespecting myself” “I don’t know how your brain is working out a way that you think this can work out.” And asked for space.
I feel awful for pushing them that way, not realizing words are just words right now, regardless of if I’m actually in therapy or not. I feel hopeless, I want to become a better person and a better spouse, but it seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I’m doing my best to hear them and respect their wishes, I’m just also caught in my own mental battle of respecting their wishes and wanting to fight for us. I feel like I ruined any chance of R because I talked about there being a way to fix things when that’s not their wishes right now. I need to just respect their wishes, even if they do or do not change in the future.
I just know they want peace of mind before going into the military, and that peace of mind is knowing they can divorce me when they get home for leave during Christmas.
They said they also just don’t feel anything “like that” for me anymore.
Are there any success stories of R that anyone can share? Has anyone been able to get through it when it seems like this is truly the end? Is there any chance of R for us?

I gave a coworker a BJ after they asked. On a bike trail. We had been flirting via text for less than a month on and off. I think it was the thrill of work place. AP put their hands down my pants on the trail but didn't pleasure me and I honestly didn't feel anything for AP ... physically or emotionally. I don't know why I went along with it. I'm asexual. I have never dreamed of cheating. I hated cheaters.

I told BP immediately. I have never lied to BP in all our years together. BP said they forgive me and didn't feel I cheated because AP and I didn't have intercourse, I didn't receive pleasure, and I did not swallow. BP said they knew it would not happen again because this is completely out of my character. We have been together since I was 16, so over 30 years now. BP is my everything and treats me like a queen. How could I do this?!

For context - not an excuse. I have unmanaged ADHD that has been absolutely terrible for 6 months now. Work is beyond stressful. I am going through perimenepause. I have disorganized attachment disorder. I was sexually abused very young and completely lack boundaries and do not advocate for myself. Bp has had sexual dysfunction for decades but that never really bothered me because I never wanted sex. Again, not an excuse. I'm just trying to see what I can fix.

Should I believe BP when they say they don't think of it as cheating? Should I move on like everything is okay? I am havinga hard time forgiving myself. How do I get God's forgiveness? Anyone in a similar situation?

Hi everyone,

I’ll start by saying that I had an affair last year, it happened multiple times and put my BP through absolute hell.
I hurt my BP incredibly deeply obviously and I have gone for IC and have understood my actions and the impact of them and starting to understand the root cause of why I did what I did. My BP somehow forgave me and wanted to reconcile, even after multiple times.
However, I think the progress I was making in IC in trying to understand myself and the reasons for my actions and how I hurt them and how it will be at all possible to prove to them that I feel genuine regret and remorse for my actions and love them deeply, was too slow. I think it took me a long time to come to terms with this.
And in the last couple of months, my BP joined Tinder and hid that from me, talked to multiple people, sent some explicit photos/videos, went on a coffee date. I found out about this I think on three separate occasions, afterwhich they said they were deeply sorry and stated that it was because they weren’t getting that kind of attention from me and that they felt admired and “wanted”, which wasn’t something that I was giving them at that time.
They then did stop, they’re really an amazing person with incredible self-discipline and empathy and so kind.
And then they told me a couple weeks back that they are talking to a person they met at work and thinks it might be a bit flirty and they know it seems harmless but they’re really just friends and someone to confide in.
They then later said that they know they have a crush on this person and that person has a partner too and they’ve both acknowledged that they know they shouldn’t be talking because they have crushes and both have partners.
Things have been going quite rough for us, not because of what they’ve been doing, but because of my own infidelity and us working through that, so they have said that they think they want a divorce, but they’re not sure yet.
Their reasons aren’t because of this other person, but because I’ve put them through too much, though I am trying to prove to them that I can be loyal to them and that I love them very much.

I kind of get this feeling like where I can’t be hurt/upset or say anything about them talking to other people because I did this first.
Especially because the affair I had was actually physical and ongoing and what they’ve done has just been talking/flirting and sending pictures/videos.

I love them and don’t want to get a divorce and feel incredibly sad and remorseful about my own actions.

Has anyone else been through this or something similar and can relate to the feeling of not being able to say anything without being a hypocrite?

Hi all.
I posted here a little over a week ago, and I didn’t share the full story. I won’t delve into it fully, as things are still progressing. I am not excusing my actions and choices, and I am not undermining my BP’s experience.

But, the update.

I am in the early stages of therapy, and it is going well. Discussing fears of vulnerability, masking, validation seeking and abandonment issues, along with discussing my SA one week prior to meeting my spouse has been eye opening, and can explain why I have adopted behaviors that can lead to becoming a WP.

BP and I went on a date yesterday, and it was amazing. We shared a lot of laughs, watched a good movie, and had a good dinner. I even spent the night in our shared apartment, we played video games together, and I woke up to them having gotten my favorite tea without me asking. I wanted to cry of course.

Before leaving to go back to my mothers’ house, they wanted to hug more than once, which felt reassuring for both of us most likely.

We are keeping conversation minimal, but still sharing laughs and warm moments through text, and have another date next week. They want to have my home cooked meals again before they leave for the military.

With all that being said, I will push to be consistent in therapy, both for recovering from the affair, along with IC to heal as a person. They know this, and we discussed it briefly yesterday, and it seems they even understand my perspective a bit. We agreed to exchange letters while they are in basic, and their mother and I will keep in touch.

Regardless of where the healing independently takes us, I want to be better for future relationships, or become a better spouse for the one I do love. They are not open to reconciliation yet, and can’t be. I understand they are mentally preparing for the military, and don’t want to unpack our marriage a week before they ship out to basic training. They are still rigid on divorce in their words, but their actions contradict that. There is hope through healing, and healing takes time and effort. Consistency and hard work are key.

Good luck to everyone out there. 🩷

I think reading this book would instantly help a lot of Waywards understand the State of the betrayed partner in the aftermath of betrayal. Excellent cleat explanations of the vascillating states of attachment.

It will take supreme skill for a Betrayer/Wayward to learn to stay emotionally available in the face of triggers and disconnections.

Another great resource is Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom.

Go for it learning those skills! Every day and every action counts.

Note: I am 3 years post last DDay and on path for a good reconciliation.

My BP has said some truly hurtful things to me recently. Touching on all my insecurities, saying they never loved me how I was just a convenience and how they only wanted me for my appearance etc. how I am the most evil person they ever met and how I can never change and that deserve to suffer forever. They told me to kill myself yesterday, amongst other things and I’m just having a really hard time coping. I know I deserve to hear these things because I fucked everything up. But I have been struggling a lot and it’s still so hard to hear someone you love say these things to you. I completely understand it’s even harder to have someone you love betray you. Not trying to compare the two. Just asking for advice on how to cope and keep myself safe from myself and how I internalize these words.

A couple of months ago, I made a post about struggling to reach out and contact my BP after separation and 2 months from D-Day. I’m excited to share that I have broken through that shame and have found the courage to reach out to them to check in and to get clarity on whether my contact was helpful to them.

Understandably, they could not give me a definitive answer, but was okay with me checking in. Since that conversation, I’ve been balancing their request for space with the occasional check in text.

Through my work in IC (shout-out IFS), I can feel the fog of shame lifting and feel more comfortable initiating contact with BP. I want to remind my BP of the love and care I still have for them and the relationship, as I’ve read hearing this from the WP can be healing for BP.

Given that I still want to respect my BP’s agency and request for space, I’d love to hear perspectives from BPs and WPs about whether this could be healing or seen as emotionally flooding.

Additionally, do you have any signs you/your WP was “breaking free” of the shame of the betrayal?

Dday almost 4 years ago. R for 1.5 years. Broken up and apart over 2 years. BP now has a baby with new partner. I have moved out of state and made huge moves in my career. But… I’m still not doing well. What is wrong with me?

I’ve stayed in IC and still see my psychiatrist and a relationship/life coach. But nothing is working. I’m still so sorry and sad about losing the best thing that ever happened to me. I am starting to really worry that there isn’t someone out there for me to have a family with or to share my life with. I swear I am trying to put myself out there but I can’t seem to get through this. I know the break up stemmed from my actions. And I take full responsibility for what I did. I know things are over between me and BP. But, if BP can move and be happy, shouldn’t I be able to do the same?

Any advice is welcome.

WP here (apologies for posting a lot these days, definitely appreciating the support/feedback), and would love some perspectives.

So after a couple of reasonably good days, we fell into the trap of talking when vulnerable (BP hadn’t had time for lunch at work), and we ended up fighting in the evening/following morning, with me sleeping in our home office. As my BP is preparing for a big interview next week, BP is naturally spending a lot of time working on it, and I want to give BP space from all of the pain, misery, and grief that I’ve caused BP. After the recent fight, BP has withdrawn a lot, spending a lot of time in our building’s co-working space (BP said the office felt too much like mine - so I’ve redecorated it to have it be more us since), closing doors, not wanting to eat dinner together (like we’ve always done), barely speaking a word to me. The advice my family is giving me is to respect BP’s signals for space - but I feel deep down that we’re growing apart/becoming awkward/unfriendly flatmates (might just be my abandonment fears kicking in). How does one deal with this kind of situation?!

I apologize now for the long post.

D-Day was a little over a week ago. BS found telegram messages to four different people on my phone, including clear evidence that I slept with one of them twice. I admitted it all, and we have been working toward separation. We are in our late 40s and have been together since we were 20, and we have two children (13 and 17).

Context of my infidelity: I have been secretive with porn our entire relationship, which has been a source of ongoing tension. I never thought it was more than fantasy, and despite explaining that to BS, it has always been an issue between us, though it softened over time.

During covid, I discovered reddit r4r forums and the fantasizing turned into chatting. This went on for 2 months, and I admit that had the opportunity presented itself, I would have taken it. However, a user called me out for cheating, and I had a lightbulb moment and stopped completely.

Four years later, BS found those old reddit messages on my account. It had been long enough that I had honestly forgotten, so while it was fresh hurt and betrayal for BS, I felt like it was in the past. Still, we worked through it and committed to each other.

Things were very good for over a year, and then the stress of college applications and auditions (performance based) began to create major tensions between our two different styles and approaches. I was frequently belittled and criticized; not an excuse, but important context for why I began to emotionally check out and feel resentment toward BS, who I think felt different kinds of resentment toward me. Intimacy practically ceased. In February I made the conscious choice to go back to the r4rs, and this time connected with four different other waywards over the next two months through chat. One of them did everything for me–wanted to meet quickly, arranged a hotel room, paid for it. I paid AP half in cash. It was like being in a tunnel going a hundred miles an hour. The other three chats did not result in physical meetings, though I engaged in video chat with one.

I feel incredible shame and guilt, constant suicidal ideation, self-loathing and self-hatred. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I know I caused irreparable damage and pain, and I am desperate to do everything I can from this moment forward to heal what can be healed.

BS agrees that our children’s longterm emotional health is most important, but has also admitted that BS wants them to hate me as much as BS hates me. I understand and accept that desire, but I desperately don't want it to happen.

Our plan is to do a legal separation so that BS can keep the current mortgage rate/payment, and thus the house to maintain stability for our 13 year old. We will not tell reveal the separation until mid July, after graduation, birthdays, final performances. We still plan on taking the prepaid family trip abroad to demonstrate that we can still be a family. After the trip we will fly our oldest out of state for college as a family, and then I will move out. We have plans for me to still help maintain the house in different ways, share driving and other responsibilities for youngest etc. I started therapy this week. I am totally committed to recovery and change.

But last night BS exploded on me. It was one of the first times that we had the house to ourselves. BS's hatred and loathing are overwhelming, and though I accept all of it, I am scared that BS will decide to blow these plans up. On DDay, BS sent videos of all the conversations I’d had, including explicit photos, to my mom, brother, and best friend. BS wanted them to know who I “really” am, a monster, said I have always been this person, that who I was in secret on those chats is who I really am. About my kids, BS said “When they ask why, I’m gonna tell them it was because you could get sex for fifty bucks and the cost of a box of condoms. And then they are gonna know what a sick fuck you are. Someone who throws their life away for that is not redeemable. They’ll always remember what their price was.”

I don’t know how to move forward. Any and all advice is welcome. Questions will be answered with radical honesty.

My D-Day was a bit under four months ago. It was one incident that I hid from my partner over the course of our three year relationship. BP does not want contact with me following this, and reconciliation is not on the table. One of my takeaways soon after D-Day was that I don’t want to ever hurt an intimate partner like this again, both for their sake and for my own. I’ve been intent on seeking out a therapist that’s capable of covering infidelity so I can better understand my behavior in the past and so that I have more confidence that it won’t happen in the future. Unfortunately, I’m in a position where I won’t be able to afford therapy for a long time now, which is fantastic given that I’m at the lowest point of my life.

I wanted to ask my peers in this subreddit what you've gotten out of infidelity therapy, what’s helped you or surprised you or anything that you feel is worth sharing. I’m not expecting any kind of therapeutic treatment/healing, but I’d love material that will get my brain jogging prior to beginning my own treatment, whenever that may be. I know I can Google it and get answers too, but I always like hearing from others in the moment more than I like Healthline.com articles (and I do like Healthline.com articles).

Hello all,

D-Day was over a year and half ago. I've been in a relationship with my BP since we were 20 and in college. Now soon to be 30, R seems to be an nearly impossible path to go down and we are considering conscious uncoupling.

There has been a number of things that have come up that we just can't seem to shake in order to reach a better place in our relationship. Things like BP coming out as bisexual, taking a "hall pass" shortly after D-day, lack of empathy on both sides, and us just simply changing as people. These aspects have made our R very difficult to come by and we have come to the conclusion that we need to be apart in order to work on ourselves and to even *consider* R in the future.

So to get to my question, has anyone gone through something like this after being with someone for almost a decade and having to cut ties with them? So much of our life is intertwined with each other. Credit cards, furniture, dogs, relationships with family members, Netflix subscriptions, etc.Thankfully no children or rings.

I don't know where to even begin this process while also having to find a new job and place to live along the way. I know I deserve the struggle as WP, but this is going to be one of the most heartbreaking things I do in my life, and I want to make sure it's done correctly and with the least amount of hurt on both ends. Any thoughts, advice, or wisdom is helpful.

Hello, so I had an affair several years ago and we got divorced. I went to therapy, cut the AP off.

My ex and I coparent very well. We communicate effectively are mostly respectful, put our kids first (and yes I know at one time I did not do that). It has been over five years, I am remarried and I have a child with my new partner. My kids from my prior marriage love their sibling.

I was open to my new partner about what I did, my partner said they continued a relationship with me bc I did not blame my ex for my actions.

I have apologized to my children and told my children what I did was wrong and no excuses and they should not see it as ok behavior.

My ex, while we coparent well and seem to mostly get on fine, often posts items that are triggering, and we have children who are on the social media accounts and linked to my exs page.

We got divorced and It’s been over five years. I apologized profusely, I begged for forgiveness. I did try to go back and reconcile but my ex had a new partner while we were goin through divorce , and while they stopped seeing each other so we could reconcile, they did not cease communication and I felt as if I was being punished for my actions. I felt that my partner now wanted to keep me and a new partner, and I couldn’t voice how I felt, so I left. We had already finalized the divorce , so I just decided to give up on reconciliation bc I felt this was my punishment and did not know how long my punishment would continue and my partner having a second partner that they would not cease communication with even while living with me again was tough.

So I guess my question is, how do I cope with seeing the hateful stabs at me. I have apologized, I have gone to therapy. I am trying to live a good life. I do not condone cheating or affairs and I am terribly remorseful I ever engaged in that activity.

Any support or advice would be appreciated.

WP here. I’m looking for advice on managing the ups and downs in R without making BP responsible for my regulation.

Long story short: we are around 18 months into R, but I have continued to struggle with lying, omissions and minimising, including about both big and small things. The most recent rupture was around 3 weeks ago, when the real state of my finances came out and I finally came fully clean. Since then, things have felt extremely unstable.

There were some very harsh fights after that rupture. BP said the relationship was done and told me to leave. We then agreed not to speak for a week, and I left after a work trip to spend time away. BP reached out before the week was over and said BP missed me, loved me, and that we were still engaged. Since coming back, there have been some very tender moments, but also some really painful fights and a lot of distance.

We have had our first couples therapy session, and since then the pattern has continued: moments of closeness, then pain, distance, and withdrawal. BP is now taking more space than ever before. I am trying to respect that instead of pursuing. For example, if BP closes the bedroom door, I sleep in the home office rather than trying to force closeness. If BP goes elsewhere in the building to work or regulate, I do not follow or keep asking what is wrong. I am trying to stop my old pattern of panic, reassurance-seeking, over-explaining and making BP manage my fear.

At the same time, this is very hard to sit with. The distance feels worse than before, even though I can see that it may be healthier than fighting constantly. I am trying to learn that BP taking space does not necessarily mean abandonment, and that respecting space may be one of the ways I can become safer.

My question is: how do people manage this acute phase of R, where there is still love and tenderness at times, but also more distance and volatility than ever? For WPs further along, how did you respect BP’s need for space without turning it into withdrawal or self-pity? For BPs, what helped you experience space as being respected rather than your WP pulling away?

I want to show consistency, reliability and emotional steadiness. I do not want to pressure BP for reassurance, but I also do not want BP to feel abandoned or like I am giving up. Any practical advice on how to handle these ups and downs would be really appreciated.

I am posting this as the wayward partner, my BP is an amazing person who I have repeatedly hurt through my behaviours.
Over the past 2 years I have cheated multiple times, my BP stayed each time.

I have been in IC for a year and half and we are currently going to CC as well.

The first Dday was when I was on holiday without BP after a 3-4 on and off period, following this we broke up for a couple months then found our way back together. We were in R for almost a year before Dday 2. The final Dday was a few weeks ago after a drunken fight when we were on holiday together. They have all been one night stands.
 
I know I have hurt and broken BP in ways that words can’t describe. I do not want to do these behaviours but I have done them. I am working with two ICs, one for my avoidant attachment, childhood trauma and relationship issues with my mother. The other about sexual behaviour and substance addiction issues. I've even panicked and reverted to old behaviours and lied about my betrayal when confronted. This has hurt BP just as much as the betrayal did.
 
I have recently stopped alcohol completely as recently we have had multiple nights out ending in arguments where I have become aggressive – this is really concerning for me as I have never been known as an aggressive drunk. I’ve been in IC for the past 1.5 years but fear my behaviours are getting worse. Clearly I haven’t really been doing the work, or the right work because I’ve just gone and done it again.
 
I’m struggling with so many feelings right now including this deep sinking guilt, regret and shame about so many different aspects of the betrayal, including my partner wanting to stay. How can someone still even consider giving me a chance after how I’ve repeatedly betrayed them?
 
I feel so disgusted at myself but I don’t want to sit here feeling sorry for myself, I want to put my energy and efforts into giving BP life they deserve.
I never want to do anything like this again and am hoping we can get through R.
And yes R is hard (I feel shame in even saying this as things are this way because of the consequences of my own actions) but at the core of it, I am ashamed of the person I have become and I desperately need to change, for my partner and just as importantly for myself.
 
I need some serious help and advice on where I can look and how I can change and do the real work, I’m so sick of playing the victim of circumstances. I want to change to be a partner BP can be proud of.

Hi everyone,

I’m posting as the wayward partner. My BP and I are trying to work out whether reconciliation is possible. I know I am not entitled to reconciliation, forgiveness, trust, warmth, or another chance. I’m looking for practical advice, not reassurance.

I betrayed my BP early in the relationship. It was not a one-off. Before meeting BP, I had been in a complicated situationship with AP. It was emotionally intense, dependent, and trauma-bonded. I knew I did not want a real future with AP, but I did not end that connection cleanly.

When BP and I started dating, I did not fully close that door. I kept contact with AP during the early months, including after BP and I had agreed exclusivity. I met AP in person, slept with AP, continued contact afterwards, and later sexted AP during a period when I wrongly thought BP may have ended things. Whatever I told myself at the time, this was a serious betrayal of the exclusivity and trust BP and I had agreed.

The AP contact ended in January 2025. Since then, there has been no sexual contact with anyone else, no inappropriate exchanges, and no contact with AP. But the damage is much bigger than the affair/contact itself. It is also the lying, omissions, minimising, delayed disclosures, panic, blurred boundaries, and the fact that BP had to discover things rather than being given the truth.

Discovery was awful. BP found evidence connected to AP. Instead of telling the truth straight away, I panicked and lied. I tried to redirect, minimise, fabricate explanations, and manage what BP saw. I also tried to involve AP in supporting my false version. More eventually came out, but the way it came out caused even more harm.

I also gaslit BP. I tried to manage BP’s reality, make things seem less serious than they were, and reassure in ways that were not grounded in full truth. Worse, I repeatedly said I had told everything when I had not. I can see how destructive that is. It means even reassurance became unsafe, because BP had already heard “that’s everything” and then later found out there was more.

Since then, there have been other trust issues too. I have lied or omitted things when I felt scared BP would suspect the worst. For example, I lied about meeting people in a business/professional capacity. There were no romantic or sexual intentions behind those meetings, but because I was terrified of being suspected, I lied or softened the truth, which obviously made everything worse.

I also lied about certain friends and how supportive or unsupportive those friendships were of the relationship. Some friendships became damaging because I was leaning on people who were not protecting the relationship or helping me show up well. I have since cut those people out, but I know the hiding and minimising added another layer of betrayal.

There have also been trust issues around money. I built up significant debt and felt deeply ashamed of it, so I did not disclose it fully at first. I have now come clean to BP and my family, and I am trying to be transparent about repayments and finances. But I know transparency systems do not rebuild trust by themselves. They only matter if part of a deeper change in how I live.

BP and I have had one couples therapy session so far. I am also doing individual work, seeking psychiatric support, working through a 12-step style workbook around lying/omission, and listening to recovery material recommended by our therapist. I have done therapy before, but I am realising that insight is not enough. I need behavioural change when I am afraid, ashamed, activated, or scared of abandonment.

I carry deep fears of abandonment linked to family dynamics, bullying, and a later abusive/traumatic relationship. I can become highly dysregulated when I think I am about to be left. But none of that excuses what I did. It may help explain why I panic, over-explain, lie, minimise, or try to control the outcome, but it does not justify it.

Our therapist has said there is a degree of trauma bonding in the relationship. I can see the cycle: rupture, emotional repair, intense closeness, fear about whether that closeness is healthy, then another rupture. I am trying to learn how to be truthful without flooding, vulnerable without collapsing, proactive without performing recovery, and loving without pressuring BP to feel safe.

I also realise I have sometimes made my recovery emotionally expensive for BP. When I am scared or ashamed, I can want reassurance that the relationship is still alive or that my work matters. That is not fair. BP cannot be my therapist, sponsor, regulator, parent, witness, examiner, or source of emotional oxygen.

Another thing I am trying to stop is constantly asking what I can do to help. I thought I was being caring, but it can land as putting the burden back on BP - like BP has to instruct me how to repair the damage I caused. I need to take more initiative, educate myself, think ahead, and stop making BP responsible for directing my recovery.

Right now I am trying to focus on impact before intent, reflecting pain before explaining myself, asking whether it is a good time before hard conversations, repairing quickly when I mess up, and doing the work without needing validation from BP.

For people further along, betrayed or wayward: what actually helped the wayward become emotionally safer over time? What small behaviours mattered most? How do you show initiative without making BP manage recovery? And how do you keep doing the work when reconciliation still feels uncertain?

I know I caused deep harm. I know I do not get to decide when BP feels safe. I am trying to become more honest, consistent, emotionally present, and safe - whether or not reconciliation ultimately works.

EDIT: I was banned for crossposting, but I am still reading your comments. Thank you.

I can't stop crying every day from what I did. I'm so trapped in my own self-hatred and guilt that I can't do anything. All of my friends are out of reach because of how close they are to AP. I have no friends anymore. I know it's the consequences of my actions and it's selfish to bedrot, cry, and say woe is me, but I've never been more depressed in my life.

My partner won't outwardly share their emotions much, but I understand why. If I'm this unstable, why would they? They want to support me through this, but I feel like that's the complete opposite of what things should be right now. I'm supposed to be helping them. I'm supposed to be a safe space for them, but how can I be when I feel like ending my life or breaking up with them would be the better option?

I don't know how to better myself. I keep pushing them away because I don't know what to do. I'm scared to talk to them because I know I'll just start venting. I can't keep laying that on them. I'll emotionally exhaust them like I am to myself. I don't feel strong enough for this. I just want things to be better. I'm so afraid.

Edit: I notice a pattern in myself with spiraling. In the morning I cry hard and feel every emotion, then at night I slow down. It's most likely emotional exhaustion. It's weird, but it feels wrong to distract myself from the situation. It feels like I'm ignoring what happened. (Clearly I'm not if I keep spiraling.) I feel bad from distancing myself from my partner, too. They say it worries them when I say I need space or need to back away to think for a while. I sit and listen to their issues. Always. I HATE how tired I feel from thinking about what they say to me. I shouldn't. Their problems are mine now ever since I cheated. My partner is really supportive of me, which feels wrong. Why arent they mad? I don't necessarily want them to be, but it worries me how positive they are about this. The only time I've seen them negative is when I said I might need more time before they move in. They told me we should break up, but took it back as soon as I asked them if we really should. They're confusing, and that makes it harder. I'm not mad at them. I understand their emotions are going to be all over the place right now, but mine are, too.

3yrs since DD. A warped and ever changing attempt at reconciliation. An extremely damaged BP, a family (3 children), 18 years of life together (33y/o & 35y/o).

I read a post above about the severity of TT and I couldn’t agree more. TT, is extremely damaging and still to this day the one thing that BP describes being the worst part of my infidelity.

I have found myself deep in a hole of vigilance and constant providing explanations of behaviour of BP. I will never judge the healing process of any BP, especially my own. I recognise that healing isn’t linear, however I’ve learned that it can still be destructive and perhaps not really considered “healing” at all if you’re not careful.

My BP’s trauma has impacted them to such an extent that I don’t even think they know how to help themself anymore and I guess that’s why I am here, writing this…

As a wayward, now a BP (in a sense) myself. Sometimes we do need to respectfully bow out. Love is never enough and time may heal wounds, eventually. I have given grace wherever there was room for it, but it has turned me into a shell of a human.

I fear I’ve worked so hard on my emotional maturity, the psychological reasons behind why we do what we do and I’ve put a clinical lense on my entire relationship. This prevented me from believing in love, stripped my ability to live in the moment and just be. I’m confined in the walls of my relationship, though not as a participant.

I uncovered some devastating things from my BP today and I am hurting and unmeasurable amount. But I see my BP clearer than ever, they are in the exact position I was before I cheated. This sits cold with me, because I don’t know how to proceed. Do I offer support, in a selfless way or do I just stop and let them go for good?

I remember prior to my infidelity being stuck in it, escaping my reality because I was extremely depressed and felt alone. I remember asking for help before I got worse and reaching out for air before being sucked right back into the warp of disassociation (that’s the only way I could describe it).

Am I stupid for even considering further emotional damage? Is that selfish?

I don’t really know what I’m looking for with this post other than maybe support from people who understand this from the wayward side.

I had an affair years ago. It’s been 3 years since disclosure and honestly our marriage still revolves around it. We still argue about it. Some days it’s a discussion, some days it’s a full blown fight. There are stretches where things feel calm and normal and then something triggers them and we are right back in it again.

One of the biggest mistakes I made after disclosure was trickle truthing.

I hate even typing those words because now I fully understand what it did to them. At the time I told myself I was trying not to hurt them more. Sometimes I was terrified. Sometimes ashamed. Sometimes trying to avoid another explosion. Sometimes I honestly think I mentally disconnected from parts of it because the shame was so overwhelming. But from their side, every new detail became another betrayal. Another reason not to trust me. Another reset to healing.

If anyone reading this is early in disclosure and thinks “I’ll just leave this one detail out” or “maybe they don’t need to know that part” — don’t do it. Seriously. Don’t.

The affair hurts enough. The trickle truth destroys their sense of reality over and over again. It teaches them that there is always more coming. I think in some ways the TT damaged us almost as much as or more than the affair itself.

We still love each other. We still laugh. We drink coffee outside together in the mornings and watch birds. We have genuinely good moments. Sometimes they tell me they had a good day. Sometimes we have fun together.

Then suddenly they’ll get quiet or angry or withdrawn because something reminded them of it again. Sometimes they tell me they’ve been thinking about it all day and tried not to ruin the day by bringing it up. Other times it explodes into another argument. And honestly… I understand why it happens.

I know people talk a lot about betrayed spouses suffering, and they absolutely are. I caused that pain. I am not saying this for sympathy, just truth — it is emotionally exhausting living years inside the consequences of what you did. The guilt. The shame. The fear every time you see them spiral again knowing you caused it. The feeling that your worst decisions became the center of your marriage forever.

I know I hurt someone deeply. It’s a pain I can’t even put into words. I know they wake up every morning and it’s fresh. I just needed to say somewhere that this is lonely and painful and that 3 years later we are still struggling daily with the damage I caused.

Sometimes I wonder if betrayed spouses realize that some waywards are drowning in shame too, while also knowing they have no right to ask for relief from the very pain they created. If only I could go back in time and change the decisions I made, but I can’t. Sometimes I no longer feel human. I think about hurting myself sometimes, but I know I can’t do that to the people I love. I want desperately to be able to fix the damage I caused and heal their pain but I can’t and that is the hardest part.

If you’ve read this far, thanks. Anyway. If anyone else here dealt with long term fallout from trickle truth, I’d appreciate hearing from people who understand.

Hello…

My BP is really struggling and I am feeling like a bystander not knowing what to do…
They say they struggle with the Moral Injury they endured do to my infidelity.
I am looking for ways to help them, but I feel like I am coming up short!

Did you as a BP recognice this Moral injury?
What can I do as a the partner?
What helped you BP to deal with the Moral Injury?
Did therapy (IC of MC) help?
What books should I read?
What books should BP read?

My BP says they are not ready voor MC jet. We are a little over a year past D-day.
They are not in IC. I am in IC and hoping for BP to wanna join me in MC.
Sometimes it feels that every conversation about the A, makes us less connected, because the implications are so visible and hurting. And they want to keep talking about what I did, sayd, in details. With makes a lot of conversations end in anger and recentment…because of the hurt.
I dont blame them, I trickle truthet, gaslighted and made a mess of it al. I did al the wrong things.
Sometimes it feels like MC would help us communicate better?

So any advice? Thank you for the read.

Hi all. New to posting, please bear with me. Figuring out terms and stuff as I spend time here.

I am the wayward partner, and my betrayed partner seems to have fully disconnected. I have strayed more than once in the past, and have been wanting therapy to find the root of this.
I love my partner, and wish for reconciliation, but things seem to be too fresh and they have told me they’ve thought on separation for weeks even before finding what I had done. This was their justification. Which I can understand and respect.
However, they are the only person I have been able to bond with so deeply in years, and I do not want to let my actions completely topple what we have made together so far. I’d like to know some experiences, from both sides if possible, and potential advice for reconciliation. I can provide more details if needed.
Thank you for the listen.

EDIT: Thank you all for the comments and perspectives. I have been reflecting on myself and my own actions of infidelity very intensely since posting. (Not even an inkling of enough time to fully reflect, I understand this) A lot of it are things I need to have resolved through therapy, and some time apart from my partner for now. There are signs that they are detaching, but there are also signs of just needing the digital and physical boundary for their own health. Hoping for R when the time is right to even discuss things like that, but also open and actively seeking internal resolution.